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Letters to Sara


Dear Sara

I recently met a lovely guy after chatting for a few weeks. We met and all went really well. Both of us wanted to see each other again and agreed that we would stop looking for anyone else as we had both found what we wanted - or so I thought!

Curiosity got the better of me and I have logged on intermittently to see he is always online!

I don’t have a right or claim over this man, and therefore have not asked him outright why he still here. I’ve asked if he is sure I’m what he wants and he confirms every time I’ve ticked every box blah blah blah.

Is this just something I need to accept? I don’t want to feel jealous that he is ‘cheating on me’ but bizarrely I do! He is lying to his wife so it shouldn’t be a surprise he can lie to me!

It’s made me question whether this is the right thing for me and would be interested to know how other people have felt or dealt with a similar situation?

Do we ever find that someone who is genuinely only looking for 1 other or is that a romantic view of the whole thing?

27 members like this.

Comments (38)

passionesensuale - 15 Feb, 2020 - 08:54PM

Hello, from my point of view, I would never solicit further contacts once I have met and clicked with someone. However while talking to someone, trying to make an arrangement I will still talk to other ladies. I have had to explain this on a few occasions and it's generally accepted. If someone can't accept that, they need to pick up their toys and stomp off home, someone that clingy is not for me.

Secondhand Rose - 24 Jan, 2020 - 01:46PM

@ Oceane 1,

Sadly, anyone who really NEEDS to know where where they stand, is on the wrong site, I'm sorry to say.

If I'm seeing someone, all I ask is that when we're together, we're together 100%, what they (or I, for that matter), do when we're apart, is no-ones business, but our own.

1 member likes this comment.

345sarah - 23 Jan, 2020 - 05:57PM

the site is interesting and it 's fun to chat to people most of whom you will almost certainly never meet. you soon see reasons why you wont meet some people but if they go on chatting it is very interesting -- you have said why you think it wont work (eg sorry ducks youre half my age) but they keep talking -- ad the chat can de-stress you and possibly help them. you 'meet' all sorts on here, people who just want a good time with various partners, people who are cheating, people who have genuinely come to the end of a sexual relationship with their spouses but they have good friendships and family life -- and they have made their decisions and are not on guilt trips. If I get stable with someone I'm meeting then I could leave, but (since I havent had to pay so far) I might just want to chat to a few of these people in a friendly way, it's like facebook with a lot more iintimacy and honesty. and it can be VERY interesting

LiteraryLady900 - 22 Jan, 2020 - 01:25PM

And once you say that to a man Oceane1, it raises a red flag. They think it's all too serious ... unless of course the man really does want one lady at a time, and he won't mind the open discussion. There's a real fear of being open, authentic. And actually an affair is the one place you can be just that.

2 members like this comment.

Oceane1 - 19 Jan, 2020 - 11:04PM

Its a pity there is no function on the site that shows if people are still 'chatting' to others...
but failing that, the obvious thing to do is just ask in a non confrontational or accusatory way...

" I've popped on the site a couple of times as I was curious, and have seen you online, are you still chatting with a view to meeting other women? as I need to know where i stand" ... x

2 members like this comment.

CHRISinnit - 19 Jan, 2020 - 02:39AM

I had a number of long affairs when I was younger but made a conscious effort to stop 10 years ago when my wife found out, realising I was perhaps getting out of control. I found I was making too many excuses to those around me and realised the only person I was really lying to, was myself. Part of the lie was telling myself I wasn't a player, when in fact I probably was. Multiple relationships are complex and full of lies, telling yourself that you lie to protect others when the reality is, we lie to protect ourselves. This doesn't help ones state of mind with having to manage the complexity of lies around us. My marriage is finally coming to an end. The last 10 years I've felt nothing but guilt, a small price to pay for the damage I caused. If you enter into an affair as a married man or woman, with a married man or woman, you can't help but lie to someone and you'll do anything to protect the lie. The rules are simple, an affair is full of lies and excuses, big and small.

1 member likes this comment.

rex999 - 19 Jan, 2020 - 01:32AM

Karma perhaps

2 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 18 Jan, 2020 - 02:32PM

Be gracious, let it pass by and pass yourself, yet instantly, cf. Puskin's last 2 lines --difficult to accept to let go, do I ever know, but let it be (and whether love is just care or commitment or more is irrelevant):
"I loved you; and perhaps I love you still,
The flame, perhaps, is not extinguished; yet
It burns so quietly within my soul,
No longer should you feel distressed by it.

Silently and hopelessly I loved you,
At times too jealous and at times too shy.
God grant you find another who will love you
As tenderly and truthfully as I."
(BD's translation I liked best sofar)

3 members like this comment.

LiteraryLady900 - 17 Jan, 2020 - 11:08PM

You're not the only one ... Secret Lover 79
Open and honest is best I find. If you're chatting, seeing other women, just say. Why hide it ......

1 member likes this comment.

Sexyannie2 - 16 Jan, 2020 - 11:03PM

complicated complicated complicated... what tangled WEBS we weave.....

2 members like this comment.

trickydicky - 15 Jan, 2020 - 05:35PM

Always ask, "are you just after sex, tell the truth cos If I want that you can have it but shall we tell our partners". That will fuck them off, if fuck is on if they want you as a Fwb anything can happen. ..

1 member likes this comment.

Secret Lover 79 - 15 Jan, 2020 - 05:02PM

Its seems like I'm the only one that knows how to see if someone is online without actually logging on myself. It does help to check who is serious.. or not!

2 members like this comment.

Loki1977 - 08 Jan, 2020 - 09:35PM

So many assumptions! And that’s the problem... assuming things.

Everyone has different motives... understand their motives you will connect better. However in response to the letter and further comments, it seems people are very quick to move on, especially women. Without any courtesy I may add, and that’s what lacks a lot of the time. But who can blame you you’re inundated, constantly! I’ve twice been here.... this is my third time... and I am that kind of person to know when it’s right and leave... but that’s because it gets complicated otherwise. But equally it’s tough when you’re sure about something and it backfires... especially with affairs. Maybe he’s been there before

3 members like this comment.

Loki1977 - 08 Jan, 2020 - 09:35PM

So many assumptions! And that’s the problem... assuming things.

Everyone has different motives... understand their motives you will connect better. However in response to the letter and further comments, it seems people are very quick to move on, especially women. Without any courtesy I may add, and that’s what lacks a lot of the time. But who can blame you you’re inundated, constantly! I’ve twice been here.... this is my third time... and I am that kind of person to know when it’s right and leave... but that’s because it gets complicated otherwise. But equally it’s tough when you’re sure about something and it backfires... especially with affairs. Maybe he’s been there before

s3xytim35 - 07 Jan, 2020 - 12:21PM

I don’t think you can say “he’s cheating on you”. We’re all cheating being on this site. Find out when his membership ends & then see what happens, but keep an open mind. I would say have fun when you’re together, messages when you’re not, but don’t expect much more. If it’s meant to evolve into more it will.

4 members like this comment.

Sweet proposal - 06 Jan, 2020 - 08:51PM

You’re kidding me right? This is not the right thing for you, and I think it’s best you just leave. People on here lie through their teeth.

5 members like this comment.

Legs x - 06 Jan, 2020 - 08:25PM

Look love he will be playing around!! He already has a wife he has lied to !! So do you really want him .. I wouldn’t he’s a Rat 🐀 No actually rats are nicer .

5 members like this comment.

Sexyannie2 - 31 Dec, 2019 - 02:40PM

Players fakes liars some genuine?? Put on your s@@t detectors ladies and buckle up it’s going to be a bumpy ride....

8 members like this comment.

Caravaggia - 29 Dec, 2019 - 12:25PM

I suppose the answer to this is about time. So if you meet someone and he says all of the above, then as another contributor pointed out, you will know he is genuine if, at the end of his subscription period, he is no longer seen on line. Sometimes guys keep their options open based on their previous experience of other women suddenly going missing or ceasing communication or whatever. Over time you will get to know if he is genuine. If you keep meeting, he has regular contact or points out why he cannot have regular contact, and keeps turning up and (most importantly of all) treats you with respect then only, over a certain period of time will his "honesty" become apparent. The larger question for you to answer for yourself, is what do you want from this site ? The bottom line is that some men are players, and some are not and only time will tell which category he falls into.

8 members like this comment.

monkeytennis - 28 Dec, 2019 - 06:29PM

Honestly, I feel like this is the one and only safe space where you can be perfectly honest, so if you can't do that on here then it's a pretty sad state of affairs. I'm an open book on here, it's in my marriage where the lies start. I haven't the energy or inclination to not tell the truth on here

14 members like this comment.

1326570-Deleted - 27 Dec, 2019 - 10:17PM

Why don't you both discuss like adults and agree to delete profiles whilst you are seeing one another?

2 members like this comment.

Goodkitty - 24 Dec, 2019 - 06:09PM

Please don’t challenge him with this . Unless your relationship is rock solid , the fragility may cause you more sadness than you expect. Ride it out . Don’t take notice of those who say we are all cheaters and deserve what we get and partners are the only victims . We are on here for a reason . .Keep your cool, lovely.

2 members like this comment.

Hunny19 - 23 Dec, 2019 - 11:22PM

Hi , Had the same experience and it dies feel like they are cheating .. the only excuse I’ve had is they pay and want to get there money’s worth ..

My reply was while your too busy counting the stars .. you could have had the moon .

6 members like this comment.

Borderline847 - 20 Dec, 2019 - 09:55PM

I should think he just wants to make the most of his membership and not want all his eggs in one basket at this time. Wait until his months membership is up but get concerned if he renews it.

8 members like this comment.

andytri - 20 Dec, 2019 - 09:03PM

I suspect there are two forces at work here. One is normal and understandable: once you start chatting in here it becomes your social life. You don't want to pull away. Some clubs and websites are appropriate to stay on after you meet someone, this probably isn't. But it can still be hard to drop.
The other one is that the women tend to do the dumping rather readily in here as they have plenty of options. Years ago I was on here, meet the girl of my dreams. We went back to my car together and I was left in no doubt she was the one, and that she felt the same. I told at the others I was chatting to that of found someone and updated my profile to say I wasn't looking.... Add she met someone else that same day and I got dumped. So really I shouldn't have been so hasty.
My advise is: don't be jealous as jealousy is the quickest way to lose someone.

5 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 19 Dec, 2019 - 03:39PM

Standard here even if you have agree 1-2-1. One difference if he is cheating without lying to his wife he is not lying. To you he would be lying if het had promised 1-2-1, as many do and then just openly roam about and meet other people, for protected or unprotected encounters. Standard on here; lying is the new norm. [I disagree but given the reactions I got I belong to a minority. ] Get yourself checked.

1346858-Deleted - 18 Dec, 2019 - 11:55PM

Well, I think you are right to be annoyed by this. It’s no wonder that ladies on here treat all men as players.

The truth is we are not. It is extremely difficult to get to the meeting stage let alone dating and having an affair especially if you are over 50. Personally I can’t see the point of playing the field if you find someone good . You risk loosing what you have found.

10 members like this comment.

affair to remember - 18 Dec, 2019 - 11:37AM

only his partner has any right to be jealous, but remember that safe sex is a must as you have no idea who else he meets , or indeed his partner meets, just play him at his own game.Having had two real none IE affairs I thing this is just a hook-up site.

2 members like this comment.

are you for real - 18 Dec, 2019 - 11:32AM

You are on line too, Ask him when his membership ends , few on here want just one woman , and if he is still there after that then he is still looking.suck it -up or move on.

3 members like this comment.

RumplesBear - 18 Dec, 2019 - 04:36AM

As far as I'm aware, most people wi speak to several people at once, because most of those will just fizzle out. As men have to pay a fair whack to use Ie, its not a surprise if his profile is still active.

If you're both happy you want to progress things, then it's time to leave this place behind.

Maybe he's not quite as sure as you, maybe he doesn't see anything wrong with just talking. Find out, gently lay down some rules (hilarious I know) and take it from there.

He's not the one you're looking for? Dust yourself off and try again.

6 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 17 Dec, 2019 - 11:40AM

A romantic view of the of the whole thing ... cf my reply letter on 'is he a player?'

I have had the, you tick every box. We met, GREAT first meeting. He said he had told others he was chatting with that that had found someone. Things progressed. We saw each other intermittently as he worked around the world. Never any pressure from me, if we could meet, great friendship chat in between. Many times he highlighted there was no one else as he was too busy. A few times he slipped up with stories that did not add up time wise.

I just smiled sweetly and just enjoyed each meeting if and when it happened.
Things just fizzled out, I miss the friendship and conversations as everyone is different, and different connections.

Enjoy what you can, whilst you can. Expect every meeting to be the last, one day it will be, and there may be no advanced warning.

10 members like this comment.

takenononsense - 17 Dec, 2019 - 11:38AM

That's the nature of illicit relationships and it's ok in my view, but I believe that making it clear to one another from the start that they are not going to be the only one is powerful in many ways! You don't have to lie on here. You don't belong together.

2 members like this comment.

funloverkent - 17 Dec, 2019 - 09:47AM

A few helpful comments...
-You "see he's always online", but that's only strictly correct if YOU are online a lot too! He may just be checking on you, as you are on him.
-Have YOU also confirmed to him that he ticks every box?
-Either of you "still online looking" is an insurance policy in case the other backs out, which often happens, but NOT a certainty that either is cheating, or will cheat. Though I don't doubt than many do, but also that many will before long get cold feet, for many reasons.
-Online dating is a minefield, and nothing is certain.

5 members like this comment.

1344577-Deleted - 17 Dec, 2019 - 09:16AM

In answer to your question do we ever find the one who is happy with 1 ....yes but it's rare
I have been lucky twice that they haven't"cheated" on me and it's been a very good affair and lasted years not just months but these were 5+ years ago now it seems to have got worse everyone male and female always looking for something better,moving on to the next conguest.
I think a lot of people like the chase but get bored when they've won the price.

I think if he was on here just reading the new letters it wouldn't take that long and not all the time.
You need to lay down the rules if he doesn't want to follow them then say "ok but I'm looking for lover no 2 so your have to share me and we always play safe" and keep it light like it's what you want to do ,see his reaction!!That should tell you why he's on here.

3 members like this comment.

Shattered_Passion - 17 Dec, 2019 - 08:58AM

Run sweetheart run while you can.There has to be trust in these things however looks to me guy is just simply playing field a few notches on bedpost by sounds of it.
I speak from experience drop all the contact wiyh this toxic guy.
I thought I met someone nice lucky I found out he was a player before was too late x

3 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 17 Dec, 2019 - 07:34AM

You don’t own him. You’re cheating and having an extra marital affair with this man and you’re probably the clingy type. Who are you to be jealous?? What do you then want his wife to be (in addition to hurt and betrayed) if she ever finds out??

8 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 17 Dec, 2019 - 07:31AM

Short answer... NO
Longer answer.... now listen...

This is not the right thing for you. You cannot expect a man who cheats on his wife (maybe mum of his kids even!) to be loyal and honest to you. Let’s face it, to spend time with you, he has told several lies, turned off his location thing on his phone, etc.
what then is promising you and telling you over and over again that he has found what he wants in you only to come back here and look for someone else? If you asked him outright he might just bluntly say you have no right to question him, after all.

IE is like a candy store. People go about ‘tasting’ (some even eating!) after they claim to have found what they want. I met a man once on here. We had agreed to just meet up for a coffee as he found my profile intriguing but he wasn’t my type. We shared ie stories on our date. He told me there was a woman he liked and they had agreed to move things forward. That same evening after their date he was back on here and arranged to meet a woman

10 members like this comment.

SeekingYou77 - 17 Dec, 2019 - 01:08AM

Oh I am affraid so but he is playing a field.He just lies to you about you being "the one"
I have been there myself.

6 members like this comment.

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