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Letters to Sara

Is this how to conduct an affair?

Dear Sara
I'd so appreciate other people's views on the site of my 'predicament'. Maybe it might ring a few bells for some.I met someone on the site a while ago now but I think I am on a hiding to nothing.I don't have an especially romanticised view of having an affair. I don't expect to be wined and dined, with flowers and gifts but I would like to feel a little special before or after the throes of intimacy.The man I am seeing fits me in around his work. Okay, he works hard and I appreciate that. But he simply spends a night away from his home, at a Premier Inn (so, already, so indulgent!) once a month (maybe twice if really lucky!) and he then would like me to spend 3 or 4 hours in his company at said 'posh' hotel.It gets better...the Premier Inn is paid for as expenses by his work. So he picks one that is kind of close to where he has to be for work the next day, but also makes allowances for me so that I don't have to travel too far to get to him.He reckons he is putting himself out by selecting a Premier Inn that is closer to me than where he has to be for work the next day (for these rare 3-4 hours).It goes wrong sometimes. Like the weather can intervene and I can't get to where he is. He then complains about how he has to travel further the next day. So on several occasions I have said that this is rubbish. I have to think up reasons why I am away from home, whereas he doesn't as his partner believes it is for work. But really where it is really bad is that he just fits me in around his work and absolutely no other time. He thinks this is an okay way to conduct an affair, but I just feel used and second best. He won't put himself out for me (though he thinks he does). He never seems to have any other available time and most of our 'affair' is conducted via email!We are now at an impasse where I have said I will not revolve around his work and be used like this to just fit in when it suits him. We have great chemistry but I am thinking of letting him go...for good. What does anyone think?

25 members like this.

Comments (82)

Adam57 - 28 Nov, 2019 - 07:30PM

It’s tricky.
The best affairs have both sex and intimacy- these are really not the same thing. Your guy is after the former alone.

The last lady I met through this site said of our relationship, “I expected sex, but never expected the intimacy we have”. We lasted over 7 years.

Let him go and screen the next guy more carefully would be my advice.

2 members like this comment.

The Gentleman5 - 23 Nov, 2019 - 08:56AM

The lady is on the wrong website!

1 member likes this comment.

HOGinnit - 19 Nov, 2019 - 11:59PM

Must admit, slightly confused - Did you join this site to have a casual fling or a long term meaningful affair? Its pretty rare that the pefect affair can be shared by both parties as one of the partners often wants more, while the other wants less. You pretty much have to agree on terms before you enter these kind of relationships and if the terms cant be agreed, no point continuing as someone is always gonna get hurt. Most affairs by men are based on what they can get away with when they are away on business. The further away from home, often the better. Ive come to learn that most men compartmentalise affairs, not wanting the hassle that can follow the affair, or occur during the affair. I'm a guy, possibly looking for my first affair but it won't be with anyone that's looking for more than I can offer, circumstances prevent me getting too involved plus, I don't want to be a big imapct on someone elses life. I'm in a slightly different situation as I'm in the process of splitting up, but even so....

5 members like this comment.

Hornybitch47 - 19 Nov, 2019 - 09:17PM

Ditch him your worth more

#noname - 16 Nov, 2019 - 05:04PM

This guy just wants sexual gratification. The sex might be good but he doesn't give a shit about you. Some people are happy with that, but it's obvious that you are not. Ditch him. From some of the profiles I have read and messages I have received, there are plenty of men who are on here looking for something a bit more meaningful.

5 members like this comment.

HardBrexiteer - 12 Nov, 2019 - 09:45PM

In my experience there are far worse places than Premier Inns, including some which cost far more and which give you a poky little room and a restaurant with food which certainly isn't haute cuisine. I've stayed in around 40 Premier Inns, both for work and 'pleasure' and have only had cause to complain about one. You know what you are getting and provided you're sensible about where you book (e.g. don't try anywhere near Cheltenham during the racing festival) the cost is reasonable. As regards how the writer is treated, an essential point to discuss before anything gets 'serious' is how your 'diaries' are likely to fit together, always allowing for the fact that life can occasionally get in the way. If it's clear that meetings are not going to be relatively easy to arrange better not to get started.

3 members like this comment.

1332459-Deleted - 04 Nov, 2019 - 08:53PM

It depends on what you were looking for when you signed on this site. I once worked with a girl who got dolled up every night in case her married lover popped by. She wasted her youth on a man who treated her like dirt and was a serial cheater ( I know this because he propositioned me too ) If you're not getting what you want then kick him into touch.

1 member likes this comment.

bluepolecat1960 - 31 Oct, 2019 - 02:54PM

OMG love ditch him he's not your husband. He is so selfish go and get yourself another man for your needs to be met. you will have chemistry with another guy who will know how to treat you right. You did know what you were getting yourself into when you signed up for this site.

8 members like this comment.

Discreetly9 - 30 Oct, 2019 - 06:47PM

Hi I think I in agreement with Teddybear love . I’m yet to have an affair but when and if I do I don’t want it be how you are describing . Your risking your marriage for what ? Thought this was supposed to be fun ?

3 members like this comment.

JumpingJack90 - 29 Oct, 2019 - 04:02PM

I can sympathise both ways ,because I am married to a very nosey wife it means I can only see my lover during the day when I am "working "and absolutely no chance of a night away , We get to spend a few hours in a day use hotel , but as she is a night nurse she has to get home for sleep !!!!!. But as regards to picking a hotel that is convenient for his work just so his firm picks up the tab is totally crass as it's done with no regard for her .

2 members like this comment.

RumplesBear - 28 Oct, 2019 - 10:58AM

Seems like he's a bit "meh" when it comes to effort or if things go a bit sideways. Be a big boy and deal with it. If he's causing that much of an issue for him, ditch him.

Everyone has an idea of what an affair should be like, and usually, the reality blows up all that high end japes some people care so much about

I used to have to travel to deal with client contracts, and things just happened with a lady from accounts who also came. Sure the cheaper places aren't The Ritz, but with what people are here to ultimately do; price of sheets and the ambiance of the light is pretty irrelevant.

5 members like this comment.

Teddybear love - 26 Oct, 2019 - 10:09PM

Wow - if that's what its like having an affair, Im glad I've not had one... yet!
- seems more laden with blame and counter blame than the average marriage.
I thought it was supposed to be fun but it seems both of you see getting time together as 'hard work'.
You say you have 'great chemistry', but sorry to say I have to disagree - if you had great chemistry, 5 minutes over a laté & sausage roll laughing like teenagers (used to) in Greggs with a quick snog afterwards would be mind blowing enough to justify a 100 mile drive.
- ok exaggerating to make a point, but hopefully you see what I mean. xx

10 members like this comment.

David8 - 25 Oct, 2019 - 12:40PM

We are all individuals that operate to our own standards, experience formulates our attitudes and subsequently our behaviour. As we mature our habits become ingrained and we find it difficult to change our expectations. Is it surprising that when we embark upon a new venture our personality with all its fixed expectations prevails. Don't be too hard on your friend he is doing as his past tells him which is to put himself and his issues at the front of his behaviour and actions. Selfish people rarely accommodate another's needs, in fact they tend to be critical of any differing views. The lesson here is that anybody embarking on a new adventure with a person whom they don't know should spell out their standards at the outset and as soon as they are challenged move away regardless of the emotional satisfaction that is left behind. There are more fish in the sea and with an objective eye, a set of standards and a determination not to be dominated you will have a better chance of finding whatever they seek

7 members like this comment.

Ayleen - 23 Oct, 2019 - 11:30PM

Not being funny, what’s wrong with the situation you are describing? Makes perfect sense to me

5 members like this comment.

bmwman525 - 21 Oct, 2019 - 09:30AM

Hi after reading the letter. I feel that Premier inn is a very clean and comfortable place for jogging activity. There are hotels that have 4 poster beds. But are costly. I think the trouble here is that you want more than being a mistress. He has a site etc and work. I also have difficulty in meeting up. I'm retired can meet up during the day. Can take the lady to interesting places and meals. Maybe a afternoon in a hotel. Problem. Ladies have jobs ! So we all have problems one way or another.

6 members like this comment.

are you for real - 21 Oct, 2019 - 07:15AM

LOOKINGFOR EXCITEMENT_why did he end it ?why did he become less intense? looking around for another maybe...when that looked good did he end it with you?Ask yourself back in touch new affair ended?He knew you would let him make next to no effort and you are. Wake up he is using you , move on you can do better, what a nerve anyway to think he can just pick up where HE left it. You wont get more unless you go after it, clearly he never has appreciated you.

3 members like this comment.

ASearchingsoul - 21 Oct, 2019 - 12:07AM

Yeah they promise you everything....just to get what they want ;)

3 members like this comment.

1338466-Deleted - 18 Oct, 2019 - 05:32PM

Well, I've read some of the comments on here and think I must live in a parallel universe. I think some of you need to wake up and live in the real world.

As much as some of you want an affair to remember. Yep that's a reference for those that are film buffs, life in the real world is very different. Let's at least be honest here. Most of us are here for a physical interaction. Yes, it would be great to find someone we get on really well with. But, we all hold something back, for self preservation reasons, and those that don't will rue the day.

Who cares what kind of hotel is booked, as long as it's clean.

You pick a day that mutual for both parties.

You should expect passion, which is why you are here, because it's lacking in your real life.

Everything else is a bonus.

13 members like this comment.

Looking for excitement? - 16 Oct, 2019 - 01:56PM

Good afternoon, I really relate to your letter. I met a man here in 2015, we had quite an intense start and he made lots of effort. We were never ‘regular’ as such. Used to meet up once a month, if that. Mainly due to his shifts with work. He ended it in 2018. I was really upset, as to be honest I had let myself get emotionally involved. However, with some time apart I realised I wanted more from an affair. At the start he promised cinema trips, nights away now and again etc...but they never materialised. He randomly got back in touch at the start of 2019, and we met up again in January. It was great seeing him again, there is still the attraction and he obviously cares about me as I honestly never thought i’d hear from him again. However, things are slipping again...I always message him first. He says he’ll call then doesn’t. I know the boundaries, but like you I feel like he’s just not making the effort again. I just don’t want to end up hurt again, but want to be appreciated.

4 members like this comment.

A_J1358 - 15 Oct, 2019 - 05:59PM

The company I worked for got a bit particular about hotel expenses, putting a limit on what 'was reasonable'. So what do you do? book two hotels? a cheap one for the boss to approve, and a posh one for the girlfriend to appreciate? You might have to eat dinner twice too.

Summerbelle - 14 Oct, 2019 - 11:54PM

Fungirl84 - that's the next best thing to safe sex I've ever heard :-)

6 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 13 Oct, 2019 - 11:16PM

Wow..some of the comments.. i need to leave...

Fungirl84 - 13 Oct, 2019 - 05:18PM

Okay, so I had a 6 month affair and we only conducted through email. Occasionally on WhatsApp. So that is not uncommon with married folk to communicate that way.
But it does sound like he isnt into you that much and if you feel that way ditch him..
As for choice of hotel does it matter? Your only there a few hours right?

2 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 13 Oct, 2019 - 02:52PM

UrbanSin - 09 Oct, 2019 - 09:41AM
"My friend took a bit of exception that I was choosing hotels based on policy, "I should be worth more to you than expenses policy"."

You actually stayed with someone with that kind of attitude, especially "before it really started" … if it bothers her so much, why didn't she pay for another hotel herself then?

5 members like this comment.

1335268-Deleted - 12 Oct, 2019 - 05:59PM

I also think that may be you need to stop thinking too much. A lot of men or women do this when working away as it's easier for them to cover their backs. Work expenses are for work but they have to pay the extras like meals or room service.....You say you want to be treated special - what are you expecting from an affair? You can't go home with a bunch of flowers.

4 members like this comment.

1335268-Deleted - 12 Oct, 2019 - 05:48PM

Just enjoy what time you have together and stop worrying. It's the time you spend together that counts. How do you explain the flowers gift by the way?!

2 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 12 Oct, 2019 - 02:22PM

- PI & work combination does not raise suspicion; if he does not get caught you do not. Complaining of him silly: since he is on job travel he can always work if you miss an appointment.
- Patience: you can only meet if you both have a safe excuses; otherwise patience.
- I have been stood up so many times, paid hotels and travel, that work&taking-care-of-someone-if-it-fits is the only way to avoid that.
- When I complained about being stood up (costing me money & time), threats of harassment & police were made; being a foreigner in a racist country with a hostile home office, that becomes in effect racism since such bullying against a foreigner leave the foreigner against the wall.
- Don't become someone who treats others as unpaid male whores.

1 member likes this comment.

SeekerGuy - 11 Oct, 2019 - 03:56PM

Premier Inn? It's not Lenny Henry is it? The old rogue.....

8 members like this comment.

are you for real - 10 Oct, 2019 - 07:26AM

Everyone has to make the best of things timewise, affairs are an add on to life not your life,but if he feels driving a bit extra is too much then dare I say he is just not that into you .He using you as an unpaid escort. a nice dinner as he is nor paying for the hotel maybe..but then that would eat into the great sex ,you are having great sex right?Because if not why are you bothering with him? but he could treat you in other ways, Premier inn is fine but feeling like you are an afterthought is not

5 members like this comment.

Fun loving girl 2017 - 09 Oct, 2019 - 09:54AM

There's nothing wrong with a Premier Inn, but this sounds to be very one-sided, and not much of an affair - just meeting up for sex when convenient?
I am sure there are many other men on this site who would make you feel more special for the few hours you have to spare. Time to move on ….

2 members like this comment.

UrbanSin - 09 Oct, 2019 - 09:41AM

Just a quick thought on expenses. I've had 3 long-term affairs, however I nearly lost the first one before it really started. Some background, I travel a lot and have some degree of flexibility on booking hotels, e.g. I could book extremely close to where my friend worked. What I have less flexibility over is the brand, we are required to book IHG or Hilton Brand hotels, if not then the accounts department will flag an out of policy booking - ultimately no great shakes but it is sometimes difficult to explain to my CEO (I report into her) why I booked in that part of town. My friend took a bit of exception that I was choosing hotels based on policy, "I should be worth more to you than expenses policy". Whilst that has some truth, if I book outside of policy I get to deal with the CEO, if I book on my own credit card then my wife questions why it hasn't gone on the company credit card. I felt between a rock and a hard place and my friend was left not feeling special - we did move past and ...

4 members like this comment.

Bubbles1965 - 09 Oct, 2019 - 09:32AM

Wow. Sounds like we might have met the same guy! Ditto to the Premier Inn scenario, followed by cyber chat! I gave up on my guy, |There are plenty of much nicer guys out there.

5 members like this comment.

thirdkind - 07 Oct, 2019 - 05:52PM

Oh dear! He sounds a bit high maintenance, I wouldn’t expect a ladyfriend to have to make all the efforts and arrangements just to fit in with me.

1 member likes this comment.

nonsensical - 07 Oct, 2019 - 11:50AM

I doesn't seem like there is "chemistry" as you say. He is obviously not living up to your expectations for an affair. Its your body, mind and soul that will need to live with the situation. If you are finding problems then, move on. There are others out there that will probably treat you better.

5 members like this comment.

A_J1358 - 07 Oct, 2019 - 10:41AM

tell him

adrian_0071 - 07 Oct, 2019 - 06:45AM

Hi there , I have some sympathy with you as I think there is more to an affair than a night in a hotel , I disagree with you in the choice of hotel , If you truly have chemistry then there is nothing wrong with a premier inn , my company only funds a travel lodge! , However I think that you are right he could make more effort .

Steviek - 05 Oct, 2019 - 11:47PM

Surprised he doesn't have a good meal on expenses

2 members like this comment.

Timeowt - 05 Oct, 2019 - 06:47PM

At least you get a choice of pillows and a good night guarantee!! ;-)

5 members like this comment.

Talltotty - 04 Oct, 2019 - 09:56PM

Sounds like a selfish twat! Ditch him! Xx

8 members like this comment.

1332648-Deleted - 04 Oct, 2019 - 06:43PM

I genuinely think you should expect to be wined and dined, and receive gifts and flowers. That's part of having an affair! It certainly is for me.

If I can't treat the lady I'm seeing then there's no point in seeing her. I think this is particularly true when you're both away for the night. Three to four hours is long enough for a meal or drinks out and to have some skin-to-skin time.

As for complaining when you can't get to him, I have nothing nice to say about that because it's never easy to get out and part of having an affair for me is knowing that you have to be open to changes and disappointments. He should be disappointed he didn't get to see you, not disappointed that he had a longer drive the next morning.

All that said, if you're happy in the affair then stick with it, if you're not, then find someone else, because, and this is just my opinion, there are gentleman out there who I think you'd be having a better experience with.

14 members like this comment.

dejavu_again - 02 Oct, 2019 - 01:41PM

There is nothing wrong with this approach providing you are both happy with it - you're clearly not and he seems unlikely to change.

So probably time to move and find someone more suited to your requirements.

1 member likes this comment.

Tantalising - 02 Oct, 2019 - 10:10AM

you say' The man I am seeing fits me in around his work'. Quite frankly when having an affair with someone who is married when exactly are they supposed to find the time to meet up ?

Quite honestly for once I am on the side of the male you have been spending limited time with

4 members like this comment.

takenononsense - 01 Oct, 2019 - 09:13AM

I think there is a middle-ground between ditching the guy and 'put up and shut up.' No one should put up and shut up, as one lady said on here. If you are not happy with something, talk to each other in a sensible way. If there is no compromise, go separate ways. You're not attached to each other. This is not a marriage, so there is no such a thing as 'putting up with it.' You have choices. Well, even and especially in a marriage, no one should put up with all.

The only thing that strikes me is that it seems you're already able to spot some of his pretence. If you don't like him as a person now, it will only get worse.

4 members like this comment.

AAGilfan - 30 Sep, 2019 - 03:00PM

Surely if your IE is making you feel cheap and it is undermining your self-respect then this particular relationship no longer serves its purpose. It might have done at one stage and maybe you ended up having great sex which made it all worthwhile for that time but the doubts seem to be overriding this. Maybe the thrill and excitement of the illicit tryst gives some buzz but it sounds like it is fading. You should be on here to find a partner that understands the relationship must fulfil you (taking into account the rest of how your life currently works) and puts something extra into your life rather than taking something away. This one, I would say, has probably reached the end of the road as it sounds like it has become more of a habit than a meeting of minds as well as bodies Probably time to say thanks but no thanks

6 members like this comment.

Miss Tigg - 29 Sep, 2019 - 04:50PM

That is not the way I would want an affair to operate that's for sure. I am back on here after a period of mourning for my IE who sadly died in January. We met here and our relationship lasted for 8 years due to the friendship which developed - friends with benefits I think it is called these days. I doubt I shall find such a wonderful relationship again, but I live in hope.

15 members like this comment.

Sandy22567 - 29 Sep, 2019 - 02:02PM

it amazes me how men think yhey can get away with this sort of treatment, Tell him to sling his hook, and find someone who treats you nicely.

5 members like this comment.

thereandback - 29 Sep, 2019 - 07:35AM

There’s nothing wrong with what you describe, premier inn, fit around work, keep it discrete...these are just logistics. But you feel you are being used, second best (that’s in someways the nature of an IE)however you feel something is wrong. You say chemistry...is this a euphemism for great sex. So do you get great sex but no other level of connection? So you say a lot about what you don’t like or don’t want....how about what do you want, (I can see nothing in your letter that says what you want) start there, either with him or another...clear boundaries, clear statement of needs and desires. Where do I want to get to with an IE and what will I need to get there. Plenty are happy with ‘chemistry’, experimental or not; others want more time and a better connection.

3 members like this comment.

harryjennings - 28 Sep, 2019 - 05:05PM

All the previous comments add up to the answer.
- yes he is treating you like an unpaid prostitute.
- all affairs are different and the show up, f**k, go approach works for some but not for others.
- the work paying thing is irrelevant. If a smarter hotel is preferred perhaps you could share the cost (otherwise see point 1 above).
- if it is making you feel bad / cheap / unloved then end it. That is definitely not what this is about.

3 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 28 Sep, 2019 - 12:32PM

Mind you, (numerous in my very limited statistics) females also treat men as unpaid prostitutes with iron instructions as how to please them.

Discuss it.

I had a complaint like that, why do we nearly always meet in your city, she asked? Offered to meet in her city but that then was suddenly to dangerous for fear of recognition --so how it such danger suddenly not applicable to me in my city? Again, key is to discuss it and be patient if you value secrecy above quick acts of sex. With patience, you will be able to meet in fancier places but patience is not a virtue in this business, which I start to hate and reject for those reasons. Again, key is to discuss it fairly. Running away is equally childish. On chance.

3 members like this comment.

Candy candy - 27 Sep, 2019 - 10:48PM

Let him go for good and without any more hesitation.
You do not need someone who makes you feel cheap and used.

3 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 27 Sep, 2019 - 10:05PM

No. It absolutely isn't. You're way above behaviour like this so draw a line and move on.

1 member likes this comment.

jessicagirl3 - 27 Sep, 2019 - 08:02PM

A relationship whether illicit or not should be as equal partners. It's about communication too. Have you spoken to him about your concerns? Have you offered to take him out for dinner? Presumably, you only stay 3-4 hours because you have to fit around your commitments. From his point of view, you get up and leave after sex to go home to your family. You may as well leave money on the bedside table on your way out. It must appear to him that he is being used as much as he is using you. Sorry to be so blunt but I'm reading your letter from the mans point of view. I'm sure most men on this site would love to have dinner and drinks with you and treat you like a lady but as I said, it has to be an equal partnership if you want a nice man to play with.

2 members like this comment.

beelle - 27 Sep, 2019 - 09:03AM

He's treating you as an unpaid prostitute. Is that what you want to be?

13 members like this comment.

Borderline847 - 26 Sep, 2019 - 11:26PM

You were lucky!! I only got a Travelodge and never more than 2 hours!!

7 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 26 Sep, 2019 - 11:20PM

Ugh 😑 no that is NOT how to conduct an affair. Nothing wrong with premier inn if he can’t afford something more decent, but why only ‘schedule’ you in when he has the time?
I don’t mean to be mean, but you’re his booty call. When it’s convenient for HIM he puts you in his schedule. Not good enough.
How costly can it be to take your lover for a meal or a cocktail?
The quality of men on here has deteriorated so much in the last few years.
Chin up, finish with him and find someone else.

17 members like this comment.

AdAstral - 26 Sep, 2019 - 01:53PM

You seem to have different wants/needs from this guy and you won't get to feel special or number 1 with him, that's not what he wants from the sound of things. From what you said he appears to be treating your affair as sex only. If you want more than just sex find someone with some emotional intelligence. Good Luck

5 members like this comment.

Musiclover13 - 26 Sep, 2019 - 01:00PM

I think you know the answer to your question...............

8 members like this comment.

Temping - 26 Sep, 2019 - 10:55AM

The only thing wrong with this guy is that he thinks a Premier Inn is posh!!! :-))

If you'd like a real posh hotel, maybe you should pay??? Just a thought.

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 26 Sep, 2019 - 10:45AM

I see your point and can understand how you feel BUT:

- if having an affair with a married man, it's more than likely he will only fit you in around work … as you probably do around your own commitments and you can only spare 3-4 hours … can you not stay the night with him?

- OK so it's a Premier Inn on his expenses … nothing wrong with a PI, nothing wrong that it is paid for by work … perhaps his financial situation is such he cannot afford a hotel on his income … also perhaps he cannot explain the expense to his wife … I assume you are obviously not offering to pay for a more upmarket hotel?

What seems wrong to me is that he is not making an effort to at least take you out for a meal or even just drinks before or even after. This does not sound to me like an "affair" but a mutually convenient/purely physical "interaction" … if you feel this strongly about being "second best" and "used" then you should ditch him.

Otherwise, you'll just have to put up or shut up … no offence!!!

14 members like this comment.

Still Time - 26 Sep, 2019 - 09:55AM

You get what you pay for.

3 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 26 Sep, 2019 - 09:00AM

Every affair is conducted differently, often very differently. It is what works for you BOTH at this TIME.

Personally I would never conduct an affair solely via email, or KIK. A few people have wanted to, however if no phone number how do you say if delayed on route! (No email on my phone.)

In the past the person I have seen has a room paid for by work, sometimes they have even been able to add the meal on expenses too, so that us meeting has cost them zero.
If travel was only a few pounds and I had credit for childcare, not really a problem.

Chemistry is not everything. You do not come across as comfortable to be taken from the shelf when it suits him. Being in an affair is partly that, however ONLY partly!

Personally I prefer to stay in with boring telly and a boring drink than use (limited) funds (or avoid debt) to be treated as you are being, and I have been. Use your travel money for or towards a spa day, and surely your time is of greater value too.

8 members like this comment.

Boots and latte - 26 Sep, 2019 - 07:43AM

Drop him.hun no good feeling second best xx

4 members like this comment.

Tennisstar - 26 Sep, 2019 - 12:32AM

The 'great chemistry' you describe is quite clearly purely sexual..... That's it..... It's good enough for a lot of people but perhaps you want more than just getting knocked up in a cheap motel. From what you have described, you aren't going to get anymore from this chap. Hey! Here's an idea! Why don't you book a real nice hotel near his next day's work. Perhaps one with a Michelin star or two? Then you could do a few lengths in the private pool, have an hour in the sauna have a nice walk in the grounds, maybe catch up with the broadsheet news in the hotel drawing room over a cream tea or a glass of sherry, before your beau turns up for servicing.

4 members like this comment.

Tennisstar - 26 Sep, 2019 - 12:31AM

Thwe 'great chemistry' you describe is quite clearly purely sexual..... That's it..... It's good enough for a lot of people but perhaps you want more than just getting knocked up in a cheap motel. From what you have described, you aren't going to get anymore from this chap. Hey! Here's an idea! Why don't you book a real nice hotel near his next day's work. Perhaps one with a Michelin star or two? Then you could do a few lengths in the private pool, have an hour in the sauna have a nice walk in the grounds, maybe catch up with the broadsheet news in the hotel drawing room over a cream tea or a glass of sherry, before your beau turns up for servicing.

2 members like this comment.

anonymouse-1 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 10:42PM

Your a convenience and you probably don’t rate that highly on his priorities. This is a bit of fun for him. Where as you seem to want more. I’d walk away before you get really hurt. He sounds quite selfish to me.

1 member likes this comment.

Lover1005 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 09:37PM

Yes this is fairly common i am finding! Sadly! I met one man who wanted to only meet for 3 - 4 hours in a travel lodge conveniently located at a time to fit around his work, golf and family. No meals out or anything else as was not prepared to risk being seen out. Neither was he prepared to meet a bit further from home to reduce risk of being seen. He even kept sending me pics of underwear he would like me to wear on the said 'exciting' travel lodge meets. Wanted to dress me up as a Barbie doll. Lol! That one didn't go beyond a second drink date - but he was nice and there could have been good from a chemistry point of view. Another guy i was chatting to on here was quite straight: "I havent got time for walks in the park or long meals out." Basically just sex...such a shame!

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lubby lou - 25 Sep, 2019 - 09:05PM

Let him go he is not worth the hassle.

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Black Gent - 25 Sep, 2019 - 08:31PM


Just a few random ideas here. Please feel free to ignore. I have a tough job so understand the pressures a bit more than some.

What did you originally ask for or indicate to him? If you had indicated that you originally wanted hot sex only were being at a premier inn is fine.

If you both agreed something else well that needs to be addressed. IMHO Premier inn may be fine if he shows appreciation in other ways. It is easy to listen to a woman and to find out what she really likes and get her it. Think something that she really likes i.e. fine dining (really fine dining and not just a chain steak house or perhaps a few sensible gifts over a year like surprise tokens of appreciation. The simple problem is that you feel unappreciated and he does not listen. If he had listened he could have tried other hotels but more upmarket (think Trivago). Can a woman have enough perfume/ jewellery/ scarves/ accessories etc.? There are ways of making a woman feel special. You have settled far too low IM

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Gymfit8 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 08:13PM

I think your gut feeling is right and telling you something, you need to listen to yourself, your not enjoying this and I felt it reading it.

An affair is not all about the sex, it's so much more or can be.

I'm sure you can do better

Good luck, great letter

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589389-Deleted - 25 Sep, 2019 - 07:17PM

You are clearly not happy with the situation so why are you still seeing him? I dumped my IE of 8 years after he told me via email that "the estate agent had been round and the house was on the market". I was gobsmacked as I didn't see it coming. If you're not happy tell him and see what his reaction is and take it from there.

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silverfox64 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 06:37PM

Get rid of him now!! I'm surprised its taken you this long to realise he is using you for sex and nothing more. There are plenty of decent fellas on this site who would treat you with more respect..... and enjoy being in a proper affair which works for both parties.

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luvtastic - 25 Sep, 2019 - 06:24PM

Unfortunately, I think this sounds like an ideal "arrangement" in the eyes of many men. There is the adventure and excitement of an affair without too much expense or inconvenience. Clearly he's not head-over-heels in love and is mainly interested in you for the sex. If the sex is great and that means a lot to you, or if that is just not enough, it's up to you.

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1329847-Deleted - 25 Sep, 2019 - 06:02PM

You are his fun when he is away from home nothing more,convenient and available
There doesn't sound like a lot of thought or interest in you outside those few hours
Not my idea of a mutually beneficial arrangement

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1329847-Deleted - 25 Sep, 2019 - 06:01PM

You are his fun when he is away from home nothing more,convenient and available
There doesn't sound like a lot of thought or interest in you outside those few hours
Not my idea of a mutually beneficial arrangement

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Boudicca - 25 Sep, 2019 - 05:49PM

I think you already know the answer to your question. The whole idea of an affair is that it’s indulgent and decadent and as far removed as possible from one’s home situation. The way you’ve described your affair does not sound as though it’s setting your world on fire. Yes, he has commitments, you have commitments but we all want to feel worth going out of someone’s way for, even in some small way.
Find another man, one who does set your world on fire and one who makes you feel like you’re important, even if it is only for a few hours every month.

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Cerberus 36 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 05:40PM

Well I don’t see why two people can’t invest in this sort of relationship to the extent that their real lives allow. In essence, meeting with a very good friend to have lots of good times with both be that vertical or horizontal..

Men seem reluctant to invest in this emotionally Incase a woman gets too attached but getting attached and adoring someone is so beautiful. The knack is knowing it’s just an add on to our real lives.
The situation you find yourself in to me is like your giving a “service” it cannot be healthy for your self esteem.

1 member likes this comment.

Cokezero - 25 Sep, 2019 - 05:31PM

It does sound very one-sided tbh and you are obviously unhappy with the situation. Surely an IE is about finding something you are missing in your ‘real’ life and ultimately makes you feel good and happy? Are you getting that? Xx

Blossom Reborn - 25 Sep, 2019 - 05:23PM

This certainly IS the way to conduct an affair, if you're a self absorbed, entitled, ***** !

Get out, as fast as you can, and we, who read this column, will all support you. Cry if you must; talk to anyone you might trust, but, please, please, don't let him use you like this.

5 members like this comment.

1330248-Deleted - 25 Sep, 2019 - 05:18PM

You are his booty call! Bin him and find someone who knows how to have a proper, adult affair.
He sounds like a bloody cheapskate.

9 members like this comment.

Robert2490 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 03:19PM

As a man, I'd say let him go. He has set his limits and they are too restricting for you. You have great chemistry but that doesn't compensate for him treating you like his free escort. If he only wants to see someone when it suits him with no consideration for what you want then he should be honest and pay for it.

6 members like this comment.

Lycanthrope77 - 25 Sep, 2019 - 03:05PM

Every relationship is a compromise where availabilities and risks from both sides need to be balanced. My first port of call would be to discuss your worries with him, explaining how this (or your perception) makes you feel. His response will, presumably, tell you an awful lot. It may be that he has very little freedom, huge work stress, desperately wants to spend time with you and this is the most manageable, safest way of doing things. OR he may be casually squeezing you into a few hours of his working week because this is not particularly important to him. The reality needs to be tensioned against your side of things. If a compromise that doesnt make you both feel this relationship gives significant added value to your respective lives then, life is short so.......

1 member likes this comment.

Cliff Booth - 25 Sep, 2019 - 01:11PM

Sounds like he is in middle management !

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