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Letters to Sara

Kissing Fails

I would really like opinions and views on this from other IE’ members. 

I have been on several first meets; coffee’s or even lunch and as we have said goodbye there has usually been a kiss. 

However, that’s often where the problem starts and my question is this... is it ‘normal’ for the man to quite literally shove his tongue in on the first kiss? 

I don’t do it to them, so it’s not like I’m inviting it, but I really am perplexed by this behaviour. 

One man ran his tongue all along the gap between my top lip and my teeth and prodded quite hard at the frenum with the tip of his tongue. 

Another bit the flesh around my mouth, and I don’t mean a nibble, I mean a bite that left red marks - I pushed him away! 

The sloppy slug like insistence of leaving a trail of saliva over a good part of my face seems to be something I cannot escape and I’ve found it incredibly surprising. 

These are men of high calibre on their profiles, they have chatted well, seem intelligent and sophisticated and even state in their profile ‘love kissing’. 

I haven’t been dating in many years and would like to be held and kissed with passion and meaning before I grow too old. 

The question is this; does passion begin or end with the tongue in modern dating?
 

16 members like this.

Comments (50)

Joyoflove - 13 Oct, 2019 - 12:26PM

I'm a hot blooded male, and would find that a bit too forward after a first coffee meet up....at least a bit of build up first, lol

Polite-Gentleman - 04 Oct, 2019 - 06:50PM

I'm just going to add to comments and agree that you're picking the wrong men.

jessicagirl3 - 01 Oct, 2019 - 09:25PM

This did make me laugh out load. Your picking the wrong men.

Doreilly2451 - 13 Sep, 2019 - 05:45PM

Surely this isn’t a man vs woman thing. Maybe it’s not even about kissing.
Sounds to me like it’s just one possible consequence of two people who aren’t communicating well, and therefore shouldn’t continue to see each other.
Such things are rarely (although perhaps occasionally) the fault of just one party.

Also a gentleman should keep his tongue in his own mouth, and only ever let a lady initiate this style of kissing. She will make it obvious if that what she wants. I think.

theartoftouch - 07 Sep, 2019 - 07:24AM

I don't kiss at all at first meets before it is established, discussed and decided, after some thinking a few days later, to meet further. I do not kiss strangers. It is gross and in effect a me-too offence. Nothing old-fashioned, I kiss, without tongue, male and female friends as long as they are friends. And even when a further meeting is agreed, kissing starts slowly in the neck, the cheek, soft, dry and meek, then on the lips, to see whether further development is required. Often interrupted with a smile, a deep look into another's eyes, perhaps with a word or two, to sense whether further progression is in order, as gathered from both sides. Kissing and sex is mutuality, otherwise it is harassment. FTW is all I can say about your experience. My apologies for mankind even though I do not need to apologise per se.

1 member likes this comment.

Chelseaguy12 - 06 Sep, 2019 - 08:14AM

Kissing passionately is hugely important part of sex. It’s the only thing you can do with your clothes on in public! Being bad at it is a red flag that whats to come won’t be any good either. Knowing how to caress a girls lips with yours and how to tease should be the first thing a guy should learn. Tongue shouldn’t be used to recreate a washing machine cycle, should be used sparingly and gently.

To those guys who purposefully go in for a kiss on the cheek....you’re doing it wrong. No girl fantasises about that

Booker1989 - 03 Sep, 2019 - 03:53PM

From a guys perspective a kiss is a good way to part, I would hope I would have an idea of whether or not it will be a quick peck on the cheek or full on the lips from how the date has gone? As for thrusting your tongue in someones mouth, can people not be passionate without that? Its all about whats appropriate, or have I got it all wrong??

2 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 02 Sep, 2019 - 07:02PM

Ah i have been here before...don’t expect bells and whistles. Especially if men make a whole song and dance about being the gift of the gods to women, please take that as a cue to run for the hills. Without being too graphic, a man on here after weeks of singing his Praises about his bedroom acrobatics. Then On the d-day... I felt so disappointed. It was then I realised that a good kiss is always taken for granted.

4 members like this comment.

Iamgoingsupernova - 02 Sep, 2019 - 06:47PM

Is this really just an issue with:
Men?
IE specific?
Or even UK specific?

The art of kissing is certainly a dead art. Blame the pornification of sex, or lack of effort to learn, but nowadays, people (men and women) can think of all kinds of kinks, but lack the basic kissing skills. Sounds like there's a need to go back to the basics! 😂

10 members like this comment.

bringing on back the good times - 01 Sep, 2019 - 06:25PM

Oh no! This is hilarious!....
Are we really discussing the fact that men NEED (I feel the use of capital letters IS appropriate) to be re-educated into the finer elements of how to kiss!
I'm not even surprised - so many men on here don't even know how to converse - or if they do then make a conscious decision not to over invest - Have they notheard they get out what they put in, referencing effort. So why should we expect them to be an expert in the art of kissing?
I do think we need to give men a break - BUT in order for us to do that they need to assist with their behaviour.
Too many men (and possibly Women too) are on here with an air of desparation and believe its the answer to all their prayers. You will be sadly disappointed if you think that.
I'm sad here reviewing what ive written thinking - am i being too harsh ... but what the hell - sending it anyway . Some of it is ...wait for it.... tongue in cheek! (and not tongue in the mouth) :-)
Happy kissing -mwah!

8 members like this comment.

1328681-Deleted - 01 Sep, 2019 - 03:11PM

It seems they're getting a little excited to early. I don't blame you for questioning it. Personally a long lingering kiss on the lips would be better, providing you both felt a good connection

1 member likes this comment.

Thefuturesbright - 01 Sep, 2019 - 09:06AM

You have clearly encountered the worst side of men. At the most a kiss to the side of the cheek on a first meeting . Your report makes me ashamed to be a man. Or is it me that’s out of line with the majority?

3 members like this comment.

Cuteness73 - 31 Aug, 2019 - 12:28PM

I think it's a sign of how disconnected SOME men are.
Unaware, not in tune if you like.

2 members like this comment.

Altostratus - 31 Aug, 2019 - 11:16AM

I would never do that on a first kiss...mind you it would be a miracle just to to have an opportunity in the first place! Another fruitless three months on here is well underway.

4 members like this comment.

silverpear - 29 Aug, 2019 - 05:08PM

I can remember my Dad telling me that if a man sticks his tongue in your mouth, its because he wants to stick something somewhere else ;-) (guess that was right!).
Someone I met on here kissed me so hard with his tongue forcefully in my mouth that he actually loosened my teeth! (bridges). Since had to have them removed.Removed him from my life too...

1 member likes this comment.

amorologY - 28 Aug, 2019 - 10:59PM

These types are totally ignorant and unromantic.... egocentric and NOT worth your time !

Unableand unwilling to learn the lessons of wooing,.......creeps....
can we bothered educating themm......IT;SUP TO US...but I could not beeven interestedin teaching an infant to eat with a knife n fork..
AKIN !!

1 member likes this comment.

1315128-Deleted - 28 Aug, 2019 - 10:21PM

Sounds gross, and I hope these guys are the exception rather than the rule. Some you win, some you lose.
I’m guessing these faux-pas were made during a passionate kiss and after a good date. If not, you need only to smile and say thanks, but no thanks.

1321759-Deleted - 26 Aug, 2019 - 08:30AM

Lots making rules but aren’t we’ all different? The only real rule is it’s mutual, having read the signs.

And i can assure you, plenty of women can’t kiss either, some may be enthusiastic but there’s more to it than that!

Wildeside - 24 Aug, 2019 - 11:17AM

How horrible is that? I once had a man shoved his tongue in my mouth with bad breath... I couldn't breathe. I hate that kind of men with no hygiene manners.

Frankly, very few men after a certain age have - if women were, to be honest. My first reactions always how did the women in their lives put up with it for so long?

5 members like this comment.

1326998-Deleted - 23 Aug, 2019 - 08:01PM

Some people have no restraint, I wouldn’t do it unless reciprocated x

Nodikpiks - 21 Aug, 2019 - 08:46PM

Kiss on the cheek every time. Even then I was not sure that might have overstepped the mark. Fortunately it didn't and I am still in regular messaging contact with the lady in question. Not all men are pigs. Is however the problem with the choices the recipient has made?

Lycanthrope77 - 21 Aug, 2019 - 03:37PM

I think there's got to be a certain degree of sign reading here surely? I dont understand why anyone would meet without significant comms beforehand and these, plus surely some sense of the interaction when you do meet, would mean having a man or woman) suddenly and surprisingly do this is really quite unlikely..... it sounds rather like he needed a firm knee in the knackers...

1 member likes this comment.

1324797-Deleted - 21 Aug, 2019 - 07:39AM

Someone said, "Kissing should be a conversation?" Not a diatribe.
Somewhat like oral sex. That should be a melody played with the tongue! :-)

3 members like this comment.

Rjohnjames 55 - 21 Aug, 2019 - 07:08AM

I think you are right to be appalled at such behaviour. I would never think about using my tongue in such a way at a first meeting. If one has any intelligence (essential for any relationship) at all you would know that a quick kiss on the cheek as you leave can signal much more and leave you both with anticipation as to what will happen the next time you meet.

2 members like this comment.

589389-Deleted - 20 Aug, 2019 - 09:37PM

Tongue kissing and was something we done in our teens. I hate it! Sensual kissing for me please just using our lips.

tea_coffee_me_ - 20 Aug, 2019 - 06:08PM

takenononsense
"Seriously, some men can't kiss. .... The French do not call a tongue kiss French kissing."
(Nor do they call eggie bread french toast, however I digress)

(Had this conversation in my teens with other teens)
Growing up I/we never knew of this type of kissing. If we saw family, parents kiss it was never to that extent.
When we saw kissing on tv, or cinema films, it was ONLY ever a touch of the lips!
We were never exposed to it. Now there is a lot more on screen etc, however it is most definitely a skill.
Some men do kiss well even with just lips, some badly and some well, more passionately.

I am with "Lavender Fields" if they do not kiss how you enjoy, and not willing to learn a different style …bye bye.

I have discovered several different, very pleasant styles, over the years …

1 member likes this comment.

SecretSt - 20 Aug, 2019 - 11:58AM

The consensus is that our hapless gents made ill judgments with regard to timing, location, opportunity, manners etc... and I agree. Lets not even mention the rest of the 'action'!

However in the instance of balance I must say that women do not have a monopoly on the title of champion kisser. I have taught women to kiss, including my wife and a previous IE. Gentleness goes a long way and of course, in the right circumstances, there are other things to kiss other than lips. No dear, I meant in the vicinity ....... really? We shouldn't go down that route; that is an entirely different topic.

1 member likes this comment.

takenononsense - 19 Aug, 2019 - 09:43AM

Continuing- I totally agree with Goodtothelastdrop . You have to read the signals. Please! It's essential!

takenononsense - 19 Aug, 2019 - 09:40AM

Seriously, some men can't kiss. They are middle-aged, they did all the playing the field when young, they got married, procreated, but they can't kiss. By the sounds of it, neither do their wives. There is a reason why tongue kissing is called French kissing in the UK. The French do not call a tongue kiss French kissing. The Italians don't. Many other countries don't, as far as I have been and lived in. Why do the British call a tongue kiss French kissing? Apparently it dates back to the World War II when British soldiers tried French girls and discovered the tongue kiss for the first time. Their kissing was different from their gf's or wives' kisses at home. Shocking! What's wrong with the British? No wonder some men still don't know how to give a proper tongue kiss. They shove their tongues too quickly in, yet no move, or don't use it at all, argh! Get in touch with your sensuality, guys! Explore other areas of your bodies other than just your genitals. Women like foreplay, invest in it!

8 members like this comment.

1326482-Deleted - 18 Aug, 2019 - 10:25PM

It's rude for the man to stick his tongue in a woman's mouth on a first meet, specify on your profile for men not to do this, as it's a big turn off, maybe they do it because they know you won't see them again.

Lavender Fields - 18 Aug, 2019 - 11:42AM

My experience with kissing men is very mixed. Ive found that men in their 40s seem to be better, more relaxed and sensual, once over 60 they tend to want to use their tongue, I did once meet a man well into his 60's who just shoved his tongue in, I told him I do not kiss like that to which he looked perplexed, I offered to show him how to kiss more sensually but he was not willing to learn, so that was the end of him! I think how someone kisses you and how you feel with that first kiss says a lot about whether you want to see them again.

7 members like this comment.

adrian_0071 - 18 Aug, 2019 - 07:56AM

Hi , I have met up with a couple of ladies on here , alas nether of my dates ended in a kiss , However if they had I would have given a polite first kiss leaving the lady wanting more, Maybe this is because I am not a man who has a high calibre profile , being a man of modest means and looks and of average intelligence . Dare I suggest that you try dating a man with a different sort of profile.

1 member likes this comment.

thereandback - 17 Aug, 2019 - 07:36PM

It might be useful to say how you judge ‘high calibre’ or, knowing now that the judgement does not create what you desire, will you be making different judgements, going for a different calibre, or giving guidance by merely offering your cheek on a first date. I understand the idea that some men may have only kissed their wives, be desperate etc, but when did courtesy go out of fashion. I do not know a man or a woman that does not appreciate courtesy, you may of course at times forgo all courtesy in a relationship, but this is usually by mutual agreement.

2 members like this comment.

Secondhand Rose - 16 Aug, 2019 - 02:07PM

I'm with the majority, on this one.
On a recent first date, He grabbed my hand across the table, and tried to hold on to it, as I attempted to stir my coffee. At leaving time he lunged at me, declaring "I must have a kiss", and I was too surprised to evade it! Needless to say, there won't be a second date.
What is it with all this tonsil-mining on a first date? Let's all take things slowly, (unless asked not to), and take the time to get to know one another a little, first.

3 members like this comment.

Dogberry - 16 Aug, 2019 - 01:31PM

Some of the things on here written by ladies make me wonder how other men act, think, or even whether they do think? The behaviour described is completely OTT! I am not surprised you pushed him away, he deserved a slap too!

2 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 15 Aug, 2019 - 07:12PM

My experience has been to kiss at the end of the evening and if there is mutual attraction then the kissing gets more intense but the difference has been mutual. One guy I met, cleaned my teeth with his tongue, it was horrible so I'm guessing that he never kissed his wife passionately for a long time........

2 members like this comment.

SeldomSeen - 15 Aug, 2019 - 03:04PM

On the first date, a gentleman does not kiss a lady - unless invited to do so.

Temping - 14 Aug, 2019 - 06:20PM

Never experienced this after a first meet … always just a peck on the cheek … sometimes on both cheeks … that's it.

5 members like this comment.

1320853-Deleted - 14 Aug, 2019 - 05:26PM

Nicely written .... as a man I can tell you my side. How a woman kisses says more about her than anything else. It is a sensuous act that has to suit the moment.

A first kiss must of course be totally different from one that is a prelude to more. I've always gone on instinct and it hasn't let me down that often - I like to start very gently and then proceed based on response I sense.

So to answer your question, passion begins with mutual attraction. Tongue is simply one expression of it

8 members like this comment.

1324797-Deleted - 14 Aug, 2019 - 04:16PM

Just crass and..no.. it is nothing to do with passion. Simply shows a complete lack of empathy to "try for a response" which is really what they are doing.
My view.. turn and walk without a word. A signal they are not worth knowing.. you just found out what they are about?

1 member likes this comment.

1324901-Deleted - 14 Aug, 2019 - 01:14PM

As a man I think you have to respect the lady you are with. I would always kiss her on the cheek and hug her but never more as that would presume a lot on the first date. I as a man find that kind of behaviour abhorrent to treat a woman with oi much disrespect.. I guess you have to read the signals well to use your tongue and even if the signals were that way inclined again never presume and err on the side of civility.

6 members like this comment.

mickym100 - 14 Aug, 2019 - 12:51PM

Oh dear - that first kiss should most definitely be lips only, soft, tender and full of future promise. A tongue at this stage shows a lack of class in my very humble opinion!

4 members like this comment.

1205300-Deleted - 14 Aug, 2019 - 11:35AM

No. That's not normal at all, that sounds horrible. Kiss on the cheek is fine, but no further if just a normal first coffee/lunch date - after all, you should want to attract your date, not repel them!

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SecretSt - 14 Aug, 2019 - 11:25AM

Unless both parties have a prior agreement around special favours, etiquette determines that French kissing is reserved for private moments, along with intimate embraces. Goodbyes on the street, on the platform or in the carpark etc... warrant a demure peck...no more.

2 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 14 Aug, 2019 - 07:23AM

1 of 2

Kissing is a personal and individual thing.

Depending on the age of the men you are seeing, it may be that they have kissed very few women. Years ago it was not the norm to have so many relationships, people to practice on, and feedback. Some may have only kissed their wives. Same for the wives. Some men in this situation do tend to be quite wet kissers.

First meeting. Many men do not kiss in public for the risk of being seen, even a peck on the cheek or lips. For me it’s rare that a man would continue in public for a more intense kiss.

What you have described is horrible! My guess is that they are older men and are trying too hard. Desperate for a kiss (and reasons for an affair are heart breaking) and or just very inexperienced. They may be having very few first meetings and so taking what they can!

4 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 14 Aug, 2019 - 07:22AM

2 of 2

For me this has not been the norm, if anyone had behaved as such I would not be meeting again!! Part of the skill of kissing is to slightly increase the intensity (when appropriate) and only continue if reciprocated!

a) Position yourself for only a cheek kiss, if any!!
THERE IS NO RULE YOU MUST END THE MEETING WITH A KISS
b) You have found out quickly not a good kisser, are they great enough to teach?
c) Be in a position to end the kiss

For any user of this site, what is described in the letter, is NOT the way to behave!

4 members like this comment.

1325665-Deleted - 13 Aug, 2019 - 10:36PM

Having kissed a LOT of frogs over the last few years I can sympathize.
I have met some very nice men who have completely turned me off with there kissing Technics anyone would think they've never kissed a woman before I just feel sorry for there's wives having to of kissed that for many years.
The tongue doesn't even need to come into play until you are in the throes of passion.
It's the build up of lips touching and caressing.
Gently moving together and feeling that passion building then slowly caressing that tongue over the lips to tease.
NOT shoving it straight in and down as far as it can go.

4 members like this comment.

Cerberus 36 - 13 Aug, 2019 - 07:06PM


For me the first meeting is for maybe a hug or an air kiss nothing more.

1105479-Deleted - 13 Aug, 2019 - 04:20PM

Oh ha! What a mental image.

Poor blokes have likely been out of the game for a while and the back of their hands are not giving the feedback they obviously need.

For me, kissing prowess has always been a barometer of talent in other bedroom activities. And tbh it’s a fair gauge. However, similar to sexual (and desire) compatibility ramping up the satisfaction levels, a good kisser is nothing alone. It takes two.

And kissing a few frogs, or slugs I guess, is a necessary evil in the hunt for the ie Prince. If you’re not inclined, hit up YouTube up for some moves to dodge an incoming pucker.

SecretSt - 13 Aug, 2019 - 01:53PM

Good etiquette determines that a peck on the lips should be more than adequate in the street, on the platform or in the car-park before parting. French kisses, along with intimate embraces, are best reserved for private moments.

3 members like this comment.

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