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Letters to Sara

The 3 day rule...

Hello Sara,

So, been talking to this amazing guy. It has even progressed to us meeting
each other, let's just say recently.

I found him engaging and I feel we had a brilliant time together. I am
painfully aware and sensitive that this is his first time. I respect time
that needs to be taken on both sides, and ultimately we both have to make
the decision. We both have expressed how important it is for us to take
things slow and be patient.

What I am struggling with is I want to desperately tell him how much I
enjoyed his company, without it sounding as though I am pressuring him. I
am an assertive woman, but I am aware he likes to be in control of things
too.

So, I am waiting on tender hooks. My gut instinct is saying wait the 3
days, and if I don't hear anything, then I reach out. I am aware he may be
waiting to see if I am interested too. Equally, I don't want to wait to
long and the interest fades. I am really at a loss for words really.
 

8 members like this.

Comments (51)

CityCat697 - 20 Jun, 2019 - 09:10PM

Yep
Initiative
Don't know about the 3 day rule but sounds like the exception to the rule...tell someone how you feel

meanderloop - 11 Jun, 2019 - 05:34PM

Hate rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

1 member likes this comment.

message in a bottle - 19 May, 2019 - 11:59PM

If you leave it too long
He will conclude your not interested
What have you got to lose
Take the initiative
Tell him you enjoyed the meet/chat
Hopefully he confirms he did too
And off you go
If he doesn’t answer
It’s his loss as you sound fab
And Move onto the next chance for me right x
Good luck

2 members like this comment.

max2000 - 15 May, 2019 - 07:57PM

give it 5 days . if no contact then shut the door :)

2 members like this comment.

PinkyDinky - 12 May, 2019 - 09:28PM

I am vivacious, open and expressive, so would leave no doubt in the other persons mind at the end of a date if I really enjoyed their company, infact, I would have no issues in telling them straight.
But if I didn't get a text from them straight away after, then I would know to close that book. I'm a sensitive soul lol, and hate playing games , but on the other hand, perhaps if I didnt enjoy it...who knows...would it be easier to not contact? Not sure if I could do that to be fair.
I think in this case my advice to you would be to presume he didn't enjoy the date as much as you. Sorry : (

3 members like this comment.

Dinomut65 - 08 May, 2019 - 10:53PM

Never on your own door step best advice I was given. And I never have. Personally I like using hotels. You can have ad much fun as you want and someone else cleans up.

5 members like this comment.

beelle - 29 Apr, 2019 - 02:44PM

More like the 50 mile rule than the 3 day one. As tea_coffee_me_ says the chances of getting spotted locally are horrendous, particularly if you live in a small town or rural area. I don't message people who are within half an hour's drive as a rule.

As an innocent example I was going somewhere perfectly legitimately on Saturday morning and my sister-in-law drove past the other way and spotted me. If I'd had an attractive blonde in the passenger seat.....

6 members like this comment.

ClassyLady77 - 27 Apr, 2019 - 07:22PM

I’m in same situation. Met someone who had amazing chemistry with.. he’s read my messages not replied 😔 but fine...

It’s the weekend and married men go quiet af a weekend..

We will see.. I don’t chase

6 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 24 Apr, 2019 - 01:21PM

"If you are not from around my neck of the wood, then I generally don't reply."

Everyone is different, the people I have had an affair with, have only been here for work, very few want an affair with someone in their area - risks!

I once had a meeting with a local person, locally (their choice), they were on edge the whole time, and used the excuse I was the problem when choosing not to carry on!!

Anyone who does live locally, that contacts me, I do check they are sure they want a local affair, yes logistics may be technically better ... however ...

One of the elements of guidance often given, don't mess on your own doorstep ....

8 members like this comment.

beelle - 24 Apr, 2019 - 10:05AM

re "theartoftouch" the trouble is that this is not a conventional way of meeting people so those rules probably aren't applicable. In a way all dating sites, and particularly those that cater for the married, are what used to be called "cattle markets" but we, the participants, are putting ourselves up for acquisition voluntarily-unlike the heavy pressure to get a partner that used to characterise University discos in the 70s.

In normal life you would meet through work or a social environment and have time to assess potential dates before making any agreement to meet; here we have people who are disillusioned by the domestic experience indulging in the triumph of hope over experience but with neither the time nor the opportunity to go through the normal processes.

Consequently most profiles and "ideal partner" requirements are written as a series of expectations which, per se, objectivises both advertiser and respondent.

Pink and fluffy this type of site, and the activities arising from it, ain't.

7 members like this comment.

FriendlySteve - 23 Apr, 2019 - 12:05PM

One of the people who has replied has this comment on their profile:-


"If you are not from around my neck of the wood, then I generally don't reply."


In my view that is an awful thing to say! Every message should always be replied to! It is so rude and dismissive not to reply.


It is so easy to be kind and considerate. A simple reply to someone 30 miles away could be:-


"I am so sorry but you are 30 miles away and as I don't have a car and public transport here is very poor I think that we will not be able to have a proper relationship. That is such a pity but we must look at the practicalities"

5 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 23 Apr, 2019 - 11:29AM

I love the objectifications in words like "lover material". Does it describe the average mentality on here? Being treated like objects being the norm? I was taught (by feminists) that that is not how you should view people and especially women have objected to such objectification for ages. True, it is [also] feminism (of a kind) that women on here do what the average man supposedly does: objectify women, on the one hand. On the other hand, aren't men supposed to behave less objectifyingly towards women (and men)? Oh my, I better `'move on", as the advice goes, and judge "the available material". Ouch.

1 member likes this comment.

Redd10 - 22 Apr, 2019 - 08:34PM

Tell him, tell him now.

FriendlySteve - 18 Apr, 2019 - 04:32PM

The final reply from her was "You are a very nice man but unfortunately not boyfriend/lover material!"

FriendlySteve - 18 Apr, 2019 - 04:31PM

I once took this lady out for dinner.

No response from her for a day so sent text "Have you recovered from meeting me?"

That got a reply "Yes, no problem thanks for the meal I enjoyed it"

Sent "Glad you enjoyed the meal but pity you did not like me so much!"

4 members like this comment.

1300971-Deleted - 18 Apr, 2019 - 03:35PM

Wow.. It's so nice to see the nastiness that people can exude when someone is generally asking for advice. We are all on here because of personal needs not being met in our home environment. It sounds like this writer is new to the site and wants guidance. Rather than spewing your ignorant, selfish view points, show some compassion and respect. Afterall, we were all new on here once.
It sounds as though it's new for both of them and give them some credit. We are talking about peoples lives who can be destroyed over this decision they have taken.
My advice is if it was left on good terms, give him anywhere between 1-3 days. Even send him a gentle encouraging message between that time. If he doesn't respond, then his loss.
Ignore all the other douches on here. They obviously aren't getting laid yet.

8 members like this comment.

sephira_alithea - 16 Apr, 2019 - 04:12PM

The universal rule with men is this:- if you behave as if you could not give a damn then he will no doubt appear - unless he really did not feel that "spark" in which case why would you want him anyway ?. Frankly, if I'd had a positive date and there wasn't a message within 24 hours then I'd say "The offer to message and arrange meet me again was time sensitive and you have failed to respond!!" "Good Luck".

It's a matter of courtesy to says whether or not you feel a spark. I've only really had a couple of "not my type" messages in two years but my response is always "Nature is kind - I don't fancy you either !"

We cannot all fancy everyone!

I've always messaged on getting home if someone wasn't my type saying "You seem like a really nice guy but I am sorry to say I just did not feel that spark"

The bottom line is if you really liked him and he's not asked you out again then you have to forget him and - as others say - move on.



3 members like this comment.

1302781-Deleted - 15 Apr, 2019 - 04:19PM

I can appreciate this....it's a tough one to call. You want to reach out, but don't want to appear too wanting of the relationship, for fear of scaring him away, or he assumes you want it more than he does and it turns unpleasant.

I think a 3 day rule sounds sensible. Enough time will have passed for both of you to have figured out if it's what you want, and there's honestly no harm in reaching out with a casual "Hi, I'm interested in this, but if you're not, you will have to let me know. No hard feelings either way :)"

3 members like this comment.

Timeowt - 15 Apr, 2019 - 11:15AM

I’d mentally move on, no point holding out for someone you just met for a drink who didn’t send a follow up message, but equally you could have sent one too, so you’re as bad as each other. Send the message and move on. If he comes back after a few days then you can pick up where you left off unless you manage to get a better offer in the meantime. Always possible!! ;)

smooth operator - 12 Apr, 2019 - 09:02PM

Feeling quite nauseous over this letter.
This is 2019
Mills and Boon has had its day
#get real

3 members like this comment.

Minnie2209 - 12 Apr, 2019 - 06:04PM

If after your initial meeting he hadn’t expressed a wish to see you again and you still haven’t heard from him I don’t think he’s that interested in seeing you again.
Think it’ll be wise to move on!

3 members like this comment.

FriendlySteve - 12 Apr, 2019 - 01:15PM

Certainly after meeting both should send a follow up message.



That should clearly set out their feeling about the other person.




But unfortunately many people are not experienced or trained in effective communication. And some can send messages which actually say something opposite to their real feelings.




Although difficult it would help many people if they could discuss what they are going to write to ensure that it really conveys the right ideas!

1 member likes this comment.

1295368-Deleted - 11 Apr, 2019 - 07:03PM

Reading some of the replies here as well as the original letter is mind boggling. I would always message after a date if I wanted to see the lady again. As for wanting to stick my tongue down someone’s throat after drinks etc,
Well, I might want to do it, but am too much of a gent to attempt that on a first date unless it was patently obvious the feelings were reciprocated.

1 member likes this comment.

Passionata22 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 01:32PM

I agree with Exotic Orchid and the Actress.

If he didn't text you immediately after the meeting then he isn't going to.

A newbie is usually extremely nervous and terrified. Not a great prospect.

2 members like this comment.

jan27 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 11:58AM

What have you got to lose by sending him a message? If I don't hear anything from a guy I message him. I end the message with "if you've changed your mind about me please let me know. I won't be offended". If I don't hear back that day I move on.

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 10 Apr, 2019 - 05:34PM

Pintobeans - 09 Apr, 2019 - 01:55PM
"a) need to get advice about something like this and b) especially from an audience of strangers."

It's rather like calling the Samaritans, innit.
Besides, it's not something she can ask her spouse/partner.

5 members like this comment.

Indulgent Escapes - 10 Apr, 2019 - 01:29PM

You don't say how it was left when you parted at your meeting.

There are no rules on here.

Just be straightforward. Tell him that you'd like to meet again. If there's no reply you have your answer.

Is all about being straightforward and clear commununication.

1 member likes this comment.

isabellanecessary - 10 Apr, 2019 - 01:17PM

Get a life

1 member likes this comment.

916777-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:42AM

I have absolutely no idea what the 3 day rule is, but I'd say that if a man hasn't wanted to stick his tongue down my throat by the end of drinks/lunch/dinner and vice versa, I would say it's a non starter. What I find 'interesting' about the letter is there's been chat about taking things slow and patient, open communication was obviously there judging by what the writer has said, but the date was left open ended! Strange. Turn the page, start a new chapter. There can be a happy ending on IE. I don't think this is it.

2 members like this comment.

beelle - 10 Apr, 2019 - 10:27AM

On the topic of not receiving replies I also don't understand why people who are on here don't read their messages. It takes some time to write an icebreaker appropriate to the information on the lady's profile (I would never store a standard icebreaker message for reuse. Everyone is different and deserves a message particular to them) and then to find that they haven't either read it or checked out your profile is both dispiriting and makes you wonder why they're on here at all.

2 members like this comment.

Time.is.right - 10 Apr, 2019 - 07:31AM

Nothing more off putting than not hearing back and seeing them back on here. If you enjoyed meeting, just tell them and in an open and laid back way say you’d be happy to meet again. Doesn’t really matter who says it first

3 members like this comment.

1140862-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 06:20AM

Just get on with it and stop pretending to be what you want to appear as. Life is for enjoying not being cunning . Show your colours.. the word is tenterhooks by the way. . So mistakes are natural and part of life.

2 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 09 Apr, 2019 - 11:19PM

Are you for real..what's the 3 day thing

3 members like this comment.

Smiley-Morticia - 09 Apr, 2019 - 09:29PM

I think if I hadn’t received a follow-up message after 3 days (I’m not aware of the 3 Day Rule) I’d assume he’s either not inclined to continue, he’s been very busy with work or all his typing fingers have tragically been severed in a freak accident.
So you could send a short ‘hope you’re ok, I’d like another meet-up if you’re up for it’ message or you could sit back and wait for him to message you. Or not.
Anyway, overall I’d say, don’t hold your breath. I don’t think he’s committed.

3 members like this comment.

The Actress - 09 Apr, 2019 - 07:55PM

I suggest that you send him this letter---

" I thought you were the most interesting man I've met in a long time.
Unfortunately I got the distinct impression that you DIDN't feel quite the same way about me.
So, I'm going to save you the awkwardness of sending me "THAT" message.
I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you find your ideal lover, without too much more searching.
With greatest appreciation.
Etc.etc."

If he'd actually interested he'll protest, that you're mistaken; that he's......been burgled, and lost his laptop/rushed his son to hospital, with a broken arm/feeling guilty, (quite possibly)/ been kidnapped and only just been ransomed...(maybe not the last one LOL)

If he ISN'T interested, he'll breathe sigh of relief, and might even say "Thanks, and best of luck to you, also"

Simples!!

10 members like this comment.

silverfox64 - 09 Apr, 2019 - 06:37PM

As previously stated by others on here, 'normal' rules of engagement don't apply on a site like this. You need to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your prospective lover, even if the responses are negative instead of the hoped for positive! After all, if you can't talk to each other at this early stage then how on earth do you expect to be able to conduct a full on, open and honest affair?!
Good luck ;-)

2 members like this comment.

what-i-want? - 09 Apr, 2019 - 05:29PM

If a man wants to see you, he'll make the effort and let you know! He'll make time to make it happen. Without that, there's nothing there however 'great' that meeting was.

1 member likes this comment.

Gymfit8 - 09 Apr, 2019 - 05:24PM

Nothing wrong in being assertive, go for it, contact him and see what happens. People male and female are both nervous on here and doing this is not taken lightly. You have to find out one way or another if he is interested or not but not communicating is not going to find that out.

Go for it and hope it works out

Good luck

1 member likes this comment.

1296567-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 05:16PM

Be careful with those "tender hooks"...can be a bit painful if you get one in the wrong place.

1 member likes this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 01:55PM

I cannot understand why anyone would a) need to get advice about something like this and b) especially from an audience of strangers.

1 member likes this comment.

1298611-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 12:13PM

If he hasn't contacted you after a great meeting then that is probably saying something.....
(Nearly) everyone on here is seeking something...in need of something...life is short - I would contact him. He may be desperately hoping that you do

6 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 09 Apr, 2019 - 12:11PM

Personally, after that initial first meet, if I like the person, I don't have a problem with sending them a message to say I enjoyed the meet and that I'm happy to meet again if they too feel the same and leave it at that. The next step is up to them. If they don't reply, then it's obvious they are not interested.

I do agree with those here who say you do have to be somewhat assertive on IE, even if that's not your normal personality.

4 members like this comment.

1284502-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 12:11PM

Please communicate with him.

I find the lack of replies on this site very frustrating, it is a matter of moments to reply to someone.

I'm with earthbound free spirit on this one, the temporary disappointment is preferable to the long term uncertainty

2 members like this comment.

beelle - 09 Apr, 2019 - 11:22AM

I'm not sure that the normal rules of dating apply on this site. Presumably either or both of you are planning on being adulterous so where's the point in observing the niceties of polite society? If you want him then go ahead and say so. He may either be relieved, if he doesn't want to appear too forward but also wants you, or it may force him to make a decision if he is hesitating. The risk of getting involved is much smaller than the risks that you will face once you start interacting so I really think that all of us on here need to seize the moments that present themselves rather than being "wilting violets".

3 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 09 Apr, 2019 - 11:11AM

Hummm hopefully a few others who have been here for a while will reply too.

So your story? ...chatted on here, moveed to chat on phone, then met up?
And since meeting 'recently' neither of you have messaged?!!

I have been here a 'while' and met with 'a few'. After the meeting we often say thank you, enjoyed the meeting, when we have returned home etc!!

The next day even though they at the meeting have expressed interest in meeting again have said they do not wish to continue. Excellent, no game playing.

Some carry on lets meet again, no plans made and then lack of messages - move on

Others go silent - move on

'He likes to be in control of things' this is an affair, in modern times, if you want to play games of not knowing where you stand, that is up to you.

If the other person has not messaged by the next day, it may be time to move on!!

Wonderful first meetings have often not created a second, its normal for here, do not expect an affair with one or two great meetings, they often n

3 members like this comment.

1298341-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 10:58AM

There's nothing wrong with being assertive - in fact you do need to be assertive on IE. But assertive does not imply aggressive or pressurising. Sometimes you do need to take control in order to get anything accomplished on IE. Your main problem is that you are not communicating your feelings to your guy. There's no need at all to wait 3 days! Be assertive - take charge - and tell your guy what you think. If you hang around waiting, you will loose out! The most important rule on IE is COMMUNICATION... never pass up an oppurtuntity to chat!

2 members like this comment.

Bereweeke - 09 Apr, 2019 - 10:45AM

What is "the 3 day rule"? Did I miss out on some chit chat when I was a teenager? Or is it your own personal rule?

You met a gentleman and enjoyed his company. You are interested in meeting up again. Why not tell him this? You will not have lost anything, apart from time, if he does not feel the same way. If he feels the same way you will also have lost time of course..

Good luck!

2 members like this comment.

earthbound free spirit - 09 Apr, 2019 - 10:44AM

I sympathise with your predicament. There is a fine balance. I am not always in a position to write as I would want to - but usually I can at least send a brief message to indicate my ongoing interest. How nice it would be if people were simply grown-up enough to say 'Thanks but no, thanks'. The short lived disappointment of receiving such a message is better than waiting and wondering .......

7 members like this comment.

Martpwpe - 09 Apr, 2019 - 10:34AM

The best relationships are built on communication - probably the reason most of us are on here is because the communication channels with our partners have dried up or are blocked one way or another. So don't be scared to communicate and don't be scared to say that you had a great time and enjoyed his company and look forward to having the opportunity of meeting up again. It sounds like you had good communication before you met up, so don't dry up as regards your own communication now as that sends the wrong message. Just don't gush too much tho as that is a bit off-putting!!! :-) Hopefully that comes later when you get to know each other better

2 members like this comment.

1276157-Deleted - 09 Apr, 2019 - 09:45AM

Sounds more like he has chickened out ,i met a nice guy got on well and arranged another meet ,i wasnt even home when he messaged to thank me for our meet ,and we are both 1st timers on here so !!!!! id message and cross my fingers if nothing move on as on here is a learning curve ..

Per ardua - 09 Apr, 2019 - 09:15AM

'He just not that into you'. That is both a comment and a reading recommendation!

7 members like this comment.

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