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Letters to Sara

Having an IE but still active on the site

Hi all i would be really interested to hear from others their views and
thoughts on this...... ive been reading the letters page over the time
ive been on here and i've always wondered about the men and women who
talk and share stuff about their current IE and relationships, but are
still on IE... does your partner know your still an active member? are
they? Have you mutuallly agreed to this or do you mind if your partner
I realise not everyone wants monogamy even from an IE, I'm just interested
as to how it works in practice. Personally i would be upset if i found out
mine was (when I am lucky enough to find him ;=)).. I would really hope
for a mutually agreed exclusivity to each,obviously other not counting
significant partners, primarily because it gets complicated enough as it
is ....... Am i being naive to expect that in reality.......is it
unrealistic to expect exclusivity...its worked for me in the past but was i
lucky my IE felt the same and wanted the same...
It woyld be great to hear others thoughts and experiences

8 members like this.

Comments (30)

De Ville - 04 Dec, 2018 - 04:17PM

Maybe we shouldn't be so hung up about exclusivity and just enjoy our time we someone and what they do with the rest of their time is up to them

5 members like this comment.

captain883 - 03 Dec, 2018 - 01:31PM

Nice letter, but from a male perspective let me advise that certain "ladies" have tracked my time online after that particular relationship had finished. Only for me to get an unexpected text message - suitably rude.

Is it jealousy or insecurity? I am not a player but relationships do move on. I would welcome some respect please over this fact.

3 members like this comment.

Dejavu452 - 01 Dec, 2018 - 02:55PM

Oh this is such a contentious one and one I feel strongly about.
I started dating a wonderful lady and we agreed on exclusivity. The exclusivity issue reared its head a few times during our year long relationship as I suspected she was on IE again using a different user name. I suspected because her pattern of texting and messaging changed and I was mistakenly sent texts meant for what I suspected was another IE. Of course this was all denied in heated exchanges. Despite a fabulous time together and helping her financially over the course of the year it came to a head when after a lovely lunch date she had logged onto IE within 10 minutes or so of me dropping her off which was of course denied. At the time I was devastated and it was the start of the very end. Shortly after, I finally catfished her on IE and was instantly blocked.
Ironically whilst I was very hurt and angry at the time I do not have any regrets as it was a fabulous year but just wish honesty had prevailed.

10 members like this comment.

Hattie 50 - 25 Nov, 2018 - 07:37AM

You’d agree it between yourselves. Once you are established I’d expect both to leave, but I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who wanted more than one IE.

1 member likes this comment.

leighdelamere - 24 Nov, 2018 - 01:39PM

So I have just fallen foul of this.

I’ve been messaging with a fabulous woman for four weeks, and we met for coffee after a week of messaging. After that meeting I cancelled my Gold membership and told her I had done this.

After a fantastic second date yesterday I get a message from her last night that she has seen that I have viewed her profile a few days ago so must have been lying about my subscription being cancelled. She has gone No Contact without letting me put my side of the story.

2 members like this comment.

1266109-Deleted - 19 Nov, 2018 - 09:26PM

It’s not nice when you find someone you click with and then find out that they are still active online it’s happened to me but then you just never know and you can’t control the actions of others only the actions of yourself..

5 members like this comment.

1193091-Deleted - 19 Nov, 2018 - 08:20PM

I am currently exclusive to an IE guy, he is amazing and everything I ever wanted and more ( I know I hit the jackpot). He deleted his account when we went exclusive and I however did not as I enjoyed reading 'letters to Sara'.(which my IE knew and was ok with)... its nice to hear others accounts of being on here, baring in mind we all have to be so secret.
I read this letter last night and told my IE of it and asked what he thought.... few discussions later it was revealed that he may prefer If I came off. So there you have it.... I thought he didn't mind ( we have a very solid IE relationship) but it seems he would prefer I deleted myself.
My view is ... if someone wants more than one, then they will have more than one, be it on here or other sites. Being deleted doesn't stop that...
Exclusivity is best.... being 'number 2' (wife being No.1) can be hard sometimes, but being number 3,4 or 5 ...NO THANK YOU !!

Anyway off to delete account out of respect for my IE.

7 members like this comment.

MsCristal - 19 Nov, 2018 - 04:22PM

2 ways sincere encounters

For what its worth i think you enjoy tossing the grenade and the watching and waiting for the fallout from people you undoubtedly feel superior too

I have read your comments and then your profile and oh my do you like to write and share your myriad of views on fidelity/infidelity... your subsequent comments in these letters i see were taken from said profile

For me i take the view that as in life there are many different personalities and types with different expectations and needs... all are valid and if we are lucky enough to find someone who largely feels the same.. then we take the chance and work out for ourselves what will work for us ... and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but we are adults who should be able to do that... if not we shouldn't be here

Which begs the question why be on a site like this if you have no wish to build a level of trust or intimacy with an IE... there are other sites much better suited to such "transactional arrang

2 members like this comment.

1275400-Deleted - 18 Nov, 2018 - 10:31AM

Read your profile
Rape by deciet ? Etc
I think you have issues

10 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 15 Nov, 2018 - 10:11PM

Organic Basket of Plums.
Re..:Never trust a woman!"...very insulting to women on here...and begs the question. .why are you an active member on here...? if you can't trust a woman... you are playing with fire...hope you get burnt....:)

7 members like this comment.

Bereweeke - 14 Nov, 2018 - 11:06AM

After your first meeting, and you both want to continue seeing each other,discuss your rules of engagement. If one of you breaks those rules then it is up to either of you to end the affair.

4 members like this comment.

Organic Basket of Plums - 13 Nov, 2018 - 07:39PM

Never trust a woman!!

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 13 Nov, 2018 - 10:19AM

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:17PM

That is one mega brush you are tarring everyone here with honey!

13 members like this comment.

Lasttimecaller? - 12 Nov, 2018 - 01:17PM

It's a tough one.
I think it all depends on how far into the relationship you are.
For example, if you've only met a few times and haven't decided if it's going to progress, then I think it's perfectly okay to remain on the site. But if, on the other hand you have both 'committed to an IE relationship with each other, and it's clear that's what you're doing, then I would suggest that you need to draw a line ( however temporary) under your mutual searches ( unless you both agree otherwise) and put all your efforts into each other.

6 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:17PM

There are no adults on here; only pretend ones. Assume we all lie and that's it.

4 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:15PM

MrsWilliams: no, you have double cheaters, who want more than one man, but only want to see men who want them alone, so they simply lie about it. Suppose happens other way around as well. Indeed very unpleasant. When confronted, they cry harassment, utters threats and display contempt. You loose some you gain some.

tea_coffee_me_ - 11 Nov, 2018 - 02:26PM

angels knickers

I have met a guy and had great sex. He wants to meet more frequently than I am able to ...

- Exactly the reasons for the points I am making!

1 member likes this comment.

Acorn Tree - 10 Nov, 2018 - 03:50PM

Like to put a point across from the male perspective! I came here looking for excitement and fun and a little bit of an adventure. I've done it before, not from IE, and loved everything as did my partner. I would be devastated as was "2waysincerncounter" if my partner stepped outside of our rules.
If you have an illicit encounter the only safe way is with someone you can trust. For a married man or woman with family in the background if you can't trust the person in your IE then it is extraordinarily dangerous. From my point of view trust is the most important ingredient if that is there the good things will follow.

5 members like this comment.

1275525-Deleted - 10 Nov, 2018 - 09:43AM

i am totally fed up with men who claim to be off this site - and then generate a new profile . I have met a guy and had great sex . he wants to meet more frequently than I am able to so I think he has got more than one woman on the go . So much for feeling wanted and exclusive PAH !!

8 members like this comment.

MrsWilliams - 10 Nov, 2018 - 12:51AM

You can be honest, even on a site like this.

If you ask for an exclusive relationship on your profile, offer the same in return. If you want casual sex, say so.

4 members like this comment.

Spicy Asian - 09 Nov, 2018 - 01:27PM

3 years ago i had a wonderful affair with a beautiful lady. We both agreed to come off the site and it was amazing. That ended and i have come back on the site to be so disappointing. I Met this lovely lady and we agreed to come off. After a few weeks chatting on mail she went quiet. So i check on the site and saw her profile again was active. She made no excuse of why she was back on except that she liked men and sex. Maybe because we did not meet regularly. I suppose we all have our hidden agendas. But fair to say be honest and up front. Its the best way. After all we are cheating on our partners and therefore do not need to be cheating again.!!

2 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 08 Nov, 2018 - 11:25PM

It killed me; we had agreed we would eliminate each other's profiles; agreed on exclusivity; had we not, I would not have had a problem; then I found out 6 months down the road that she had not eliminated her profile; somewhat warned by her remarks that if I could not meet her quickly, our agendas did not match for a few weeks, she said she would resort to kikking (I never did that, no plans either) and watching porn-movies. At the time of those remarks I thought she was joking as the remark taken as is, is too rude for words. After all, we had agreed 1-on-1 besides our partners, and on meaningful sex and friends-with-benefits. Again, had we agreed on loose behaviour,anything goes, then I would not have felt so humiliated. All bogus. Expect the worst behaviour here and when it is otherwise count yourself lucky. It did not break my heart, even though I thought it did, which was confusing, worse, it did break my trust, in anyone. Good luck.

1 member likes this comment.

Seductiveyes - 08 Nov, 2018 - 10:44PM

Dear member

There is no such monogamy on this site. If you find somebody with the same opinion as yours it is good for you. We are here (I speak for the ones that agree with me) for sex - just sex. Some like to change their partners frequently and some don't. Some like to keep two or three partners on the go as we are busy and can not meet the same partner when we want to. If you want more than sex there are other sites.

3 members like this comment.

Lasttimecaller? - 08 Nov, 2018 - 04:39PM

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule around exclusivity.
I would assume that both parties are aware of what the other wants either through their profiles, or discussing before or after they've met.
We're all adults here....I think! So if either person is uncomfortable with the arrangement, then clearly it's not going to be a particularly enjoyable experience, and the choices would seem to be obvious.
Why complicate your illicit encounter by introducing jealousy and other negative emotions into the pot, and risk those getting in the way of something that should be fun and fulfilling?

1 member likes this comment.

SecretSt - 08 Nov, 2018 - 03:19PM

In my searches on IE I commonly find women who are looking for one special affair and for whom discretion is of the greatest importance. When I was lucky enough to meet one of them earlier this year I immediately stopped visiting IE, other than to delete my profile. This seemed the obvious next step, in order to assure her of my commitment, as far as that is possible in the circumstances of an affair between two married people, and my discretion. I wouldn't have expected her to have been happy with anything less; indeed I expected and received the same from her.

You can conclude that sadly our affair was short lived and now I am back.

3 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 08 Nov, 2018 - 08:42AM

Some people, both are married and both want to be exclusive, ok in theory, however as both married often its difficult to meet and who knows you may only be able to meet every two months or so!

Some people on here single and looking for non committed, some want just one, others more 'friends', as again if single you may only be able to meet with that married person once a month or less!! (Some its once or twice a year!!)

In an agreed exclusive relationship or not, you have NO RIGHTS over that other person, why not be on here? Why not share experiences and guide others. When you see your ie person due to reasons (beyond their control or their choice) it may be the last time you ever see each other, there are no guarantees and personally I have found very few relationships are able to last OR see each other with the frequency hoped...

4 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 08 Nov, 2018 - 08:26AM

I think this is for each individual IE couple to work out for themselves. You should let your partner know how you feel. If you are really uncomfortable when they say they don't want the same thing then end the relationship.

5 members like this comment.

Time.is.right - 08 Nov, 2018 - 07:18AM

It’s whatever you decide between you.. if you’ve both talked about just one IE then you have to question their seriousness, if you’ve not discussed it, then anything goes. If you find them on IE after a date before they’ve replied/messaged you, then ditch them regardless. Although how you’d know they were on IE kind of implies you’re on there yourself.

3 members like this comment.

Blonde Moment - 08 Nov, 2018 - 02:16AM

If you really like someone and it's definitely mutual then maybe you should discuss the possibility of being exclusive and see if you both want to come off the site .It's not like this site has lots of other features like forums so it's mainly to meet others . Unfortunately for some men any sex is good sex and they like variety , the grass is always greener .I think you have to be pragmatic and also get to know which type of guy or woman you have .My gut instinct is my guide.You can't control partners or insist on exclusivity but it's relatively easy to gauge attitudes. I have a casual friend,a born womaniser who always lies about women and to them .A few years ago I started seeing him but despite him saying he loved me I found he was on several sites .I even catfished him pretending to be someone else .I wanted to know what it was that was lacking in me that made him continue to look .The answer was his need for variety ,some men are wired that way .Exclusivity suits more women than men in my opinion

1 member likes this comment.

1 of life's dreamers - 08 Nov, 2018 - 12:21AM

I think it very much depends on what your IE partner said they were looking for once you clicked. For me, when I found someone on here previously, I stopped coming on because I'd found someone to spend quality time with. Staying on the site would suggest you are looking to chalk up extra notches or that you've settled for the time being for what you can get. Neither of which is particularly desirable or respectful.

5 members like this comment.

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