020 7729 6098 020 7729 6098
uk flag Used by over 1,359,100 genuine UK users since 2003


Letters to Sara

Having an IE but still active on the site

Hi all i would be really interested to hear from others their views and
thoughts on this...... ive been reading the letters page over the time
ive been on here and i've always wondered about the men and women who
talk and share stuff about their current IE and relationships, but are
still on IE... does your partner know your still an active member? are
they? Have you mutuallly agreed to this or do you mind if your partner
I realise not everyone wants monogamy even from an IE, I'm just interested
as to how it works in practice. Personally i would be upset if i found out
mine was (when I am lucky enough to find him ;=)).. I would really hope
for a mutually agreed exclusivity to each,obviously other not counting
significant partners, primarily because it gets complicated enough as it
is ....... Am i being naive to expect that in reality.......is it
unrealistic to expect exclusivity...its worked for me in the past but was i
lucky my IE felt the same and wanted the same...
It woyld be great to hear others thoughts and experiences

16 members like this.

Comments (48)

1319375-Deleted - 06 Jul, 2019 - 04:31AM

You need to find someone who only wants one person like yourself. Make sure they are honest because many men are players and will chat to several women and may be seeing several women. Some will chat and tgen you never hear from them again. It can be pot luck just pick the right one but dont ask me how you can do that its equivelent to picking the lottery number is picking the right person for an affair.

1294579-Deleted - 22 Mar, 2019 - 07:39AM

Interesting question. I find that it’s a bit of an obsession now. Even though I have now got my ie. most of the time I’m just reading letters and chatting. The rest of the time I’m being nosey.
Do I feel a little jealous if I see my ie on here....? Not at all. 🙂

1 member likes this comment.

Serialencounter - 15 Mar, 2019 - 09:25AM

Something you don't realise until you have met someone and an affair is in the making. But both sides need to manage themselves, ideally without resorting to marital dispute tactics. What a hot bed of the seven deadlies this place is.

2 members like this comment.

RealAffair - 20 Feb, 2019 - 06:52PM

DancingLola - 03 Feb, 2019 - 11:54PM

If he's been on in the last week or so, you'd see a time.

You're as safe as you're going to be with that label.

DancingLola - 03 Feb, 2019 - 11:54PM

This is a tricky one isn’t it, I came here for an uncomplicated and fun relationship but a monogamous one (ironic I know - and I’m single too) as I don’t want multiple partners, but I guess by the very nature of this site I’m supposing you would be somewhat naive to expect complete honesty. I have been in a good relationship for a few months but have my suspicions, so have comeback here to have a look at his profile (a self confessed stalker I know clearly by this very action, but we don’t use protection and have been tested - I really don’t want to put my sexual health at risk). Having viewed his profile it just says: “don't just have a look say hello” as opposed to an indication of time, so I’m none the wiser, or does IE just saybid they’re online?

I’m a little

3 members like this comment.

1276157-Deleted - 03 Feb, 2019 - 04:42PM

What do you do if you have agreed to be exclusive to each other ,but you know they are on here even if its just for a nosey ,but that time could be spent chatting with you ?or do they show online as they havent logged off as i never do im confused am i making something out of nothing ???

1276157-Deleted - 25 Jan, 2019 - 02:02PM

If you have talked about this an agreed to be exclusive then its only right to stick to it and should be agreed asap ,but if both are happy go for it ...

1221786-Deleted - 24 Jan, 2019 - 02:44PM

I've been in a similar situation on a different site a few years ago..
I was my first time meeting someone and everything was great, more than I could have hoped for in fact!!
We normally used kik and text when meeting but I noticed she was on the dating site quite late at night quite often after we'd spoken.. I asked her about this and she denied it, I didn't see her on the site again except when she was talking to me.
I did however notice a similar profile to hers which made me suspicious that it might just be her..
Worried that she maybe talking to others I made a false profile and sent her a nice hello message and asked to see her photo.
She responded and It was indeed her!! My heart sank.. She was also keen to meet up! :(
In much anger I told her it was me and she actually denied it and then called me a stalker!!
Needless to say I never bothered responding..

4 members like this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 15 Jan, 2019 - 10:26PM

Having an IE but still active on the site?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

3 members like this comment.

amber57 - 15 Jan, 2019 - 11:49AM

It, is always a surprise, to me if i like some person and the other person is the same . i been on here a while now and yes i made nice guys which do not like to meet but love the conversation and that is not in dirty talk . they happy to enjoy the conversation. i myself had 1 relationship which is still going. but i would not go astray as i like my partner and he would not do the same either.
its up to you and your ie ,u both in the same both and restricting some one u do not belong to,can be abit untrustworthy, who can we trust , we all here looking for something which is missing after many years in a relationship, when we found it , just trust your instinct , enjoy it and make the best out of it so u both can be happy.

theartoftouch - 12 Jan, 2019 - 07:53PM

@MsCrystal; curious as to what are these other sites, can't figure whether you mean left or right, ie two 180-degree options seem possible? I figure IE is the best site there is as far as appearances go.

theartoftouch - 12 Jan, 2019 - 10:45AM

Lucky you & with you on "i would be upset if i found out". Many here actively disagree with you on that one: "being upset", the shallowness of having their fun implying that being upset is not part of their notion of fun. Depends on one's make up. Take good care of yourself. T-da.

1280408-Deleted - 05 Jan, 2019 - 08:34PM

It seems it would depend on what you establish in terms of ground rules & boundaries first with your IE. Some like to keep 2 one IE but some dip in & out with different IEs.
It is important to be open & to be direct from the onset. Better to pull the plug if your ideal IE has variant views & you sort of know by asking direct ?s. The site has no conditions so we need to make our own terms as it suits us.
Hope this helps.

4 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 30 Dec, 2018 - 08:37AM

@Windsweptinteresting: yes, except that ---and apparently, judging from all these comments-- some people's actions do not (at all) agree with their words, even when explicitly asked. On purpose, by being sloppy or by accident?

theartoftouch - 21 Dec, 2018 - 04:46PM

@Bereweek: yes. And my advice then is break-off without any discussion but for confronting him/her with the broken agreed-to rule. Never get back to letting him/her explain matters. There is no explanation.
I am here for our mutual pleasure. Without mutuality there is no pleasure. By default.
That includes avoiding causing anyone pain because that is simply not mutual.
Such a stand has nothing to do with liking someone too much or wanting to wash their underwear,
actually I do want to wash your underwear, no fetish intended, but it simply is a matter of shared fun and shared civilisation. A good aftermath is part of a good journey, for us.

2 members like this comment.

Windsweptandinteresting - 21 Dec, 2018 - 05:25AM

Out of mutual respect maybe that's something that should be agreed before you both decide to start a relationship and then there wouldn't be any surprises down the line ? For me I would only want to see one person but this is not a one size fits all and as long as you are honest with each other about what you want not sure it should be an issue. If you both want different things your probably not suited to start an IE in the first place ?

4 members like this comment.

Windsweptandinteresting - 20 Dec, 2018 - 03:59PM

Wouldn't this out of mutual respect be agreed prior to starting the relationship ? I for example would prefer only to see one person but I am sure there are others out there that would prefer a non exclusive arrangement. If you agree what you both want from the start maybe you won't have an unhappy surprise down the line. Possibly look and ask before you leap !

1 member likes this comment.

theartoftouch - 19 Dec, 2018 - 12:26PM

Interesting mix of comments. If trust levels have become so high that unprotected (incl oral) was undertaken, and deceit follows (or attempts as that is enough), then yes, I can see that matters can get out of hand quickly since it is factually endangering. Am on the side of the person who has been sinned against. [Knowingly deceiving someone and bragging about it as UKs new normal --think Brexit-- is problematic.] Simply say what you want and act accordingly. Has nothing to with high morals or low ones: simply a matter of safety and courtesy. Consensual is giving consent to what is agreed and not something else, for both sexes.

De Ville - 04 Dec, 2018 - 04:17PM

Maybe we shouldn't be so hung up about exclusivity and just enjoy our time we someone and what they do with the rest of their time is up to them

9 members like this comment.

captain883 - 03 Dec, 2018 - 01:31PM

Nice letter, but from a male perspective let me advise that certain "ladies" have tracked my time online after that particular relationship had finished. Only for me to get an unexpected text message - suitably rude.

Is it jealousy or insecurity? I am not a player but relationships do move on. I would welcome some respect please over this fact.

6 members like this comment.

1279614-Deleted - 01 Dec, 2018 - 02:55PM

Oh this is such a contentious one and one I feel strongly about.
I started dating a wonderful lady and we agreed on exclusivity. The exclusivity issue reared its head a few times during our year long relationship as I suspected she was on IE again using a different user name. I suspected because her pattern of texting and messaging changed and I was mistakenly sent texts meant for what I suspected was another IE. Of course this was all denied in heated exchanges. Despite a fabulous time together and helping her financially over the course of the year it came to a head when after a lovely lunch date she had logged onto IE within 10 minutes or so of me dropping her off which was of course denied. At the time I was devastated and it was the start of the very end. Shortly after, I finally catfished her on IE and was instantly blocked.
Ironically whilst I was very hurt and angry at the time I do not have any regrets as it was a fabulous year but just wish honesty had prevailed.

21 members like this comment.

Hattie 50 - 25 Nov, 2018 - 07:37AM

You’d agree it between yourselves. Once you are established I’d expect both to leave, but I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who wanted more than one IE.

4 members like this comment.

1261525-Deleted - 24 Nov, 2018 - 01:39PM

So I have just fallen foul of this.

I’ve been messaging with a fabulous woman for four weeks, and we met for coffee after a week of messaging. After that meeting I cancelled my Gold membership and told her I had done this.

After a fantastic second date yesterday I get a message from her last night that she has seen that I have viewed her profile a few days ago so must have been lying about my subscription being cancelled. She has gone No Contact without letting me put my side of the story.

3 members like this comment.

1266109-Deleted - 19 Nov, 2018 - 09:26PM

It’s not nice when you find someone you click with and then find out that they are still active online it’s happened to me but then you just never know and you can’t control the actions of others only the actions of yourself..

7 members like this comment.

1193091-Deleted - 19 Nov, 2018 - 08:20PM

I am currently exclusive to an IE guy, he is amazing and everything I ever wanted and more ( I know I hit the jackpot). He deleted his account when we went exclusive and I however did not as I enjoyed reading 'letters to Sara'.(which my IE knew and was ok with)... its nice to hear others accounts of being on here, baring in mind we all have to be so secret.
I read this letter last night and told my IE of it and asked what he thought.... few discussions later it was revealed that he may prefer If I came off. So there you have it.... I thought he didn't mind ( we have a very solid IE relationship) but it seems he would prefer I deleted myself.
My view is ... if someone wants more than one, then they will have more than one, be it on here or other sites. Being deleted doesn't stop that...
Exclusivity is best.... being 'number 2' (wife being No.1) can be hard sometimes, but being number 3,4 or 5 ...NO THANK YOU !!

Anyway off to delete account out of respect for my IE.

18 members like this comment.

1250153-Deleted - 19 Nov, 2018 - 04:22PM

2 ways sincere encounters

For what its worth i think you enjoy tossing the grenade and the watching and waiting for the fallout from people you undoubtedly feel superior too

I have read your comments and then your profile and oh my do you like to write and share your myriad of views on fidelity/infidelity... your subsequent comments in these letters i see were taken from said profile

For me i take the view that as in life there are many different personalities and types with different expectations and needs... all are valid and if we are lucky enough to find someone who largely feels the same.. then we take the chance and work out for ourselves what will work for us ... and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but we are adults who should be able to do that... if not we shouldn't be here

Which begs the question why be on a site like this if you have no wish to build a level of trust or intimacy with an IE... there are other sites much better suited to such "transactional arrang

5 members like this comment.

1275400-Deleted - 18 Nov, 2018 - 10:31AM

Read your profile
Rape by deciet ? Etc
I think you have issues

11 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 15 Nov, 2018 - 10:11PM

Organic Basket of Plums.
Re..:Never trust a woman!"...very insulting to women on here...and begs the question. .why are you an active member on here...? if you can't trust a woman... you are playing with fire...hope you get burnt....:)

11 members like this comment.

Bereweeke - 14 Nov, 2018 - 11:06AM

After your first meeting, and you both want to continue seeing each other,discuss your rules of engagement. If one of you breaks those rules then it is up to either of you to end the affair.

5 members like this comment.

Organic Basket of Plums - 13 Nov, 2018 - 07:39PM

Never trust a woman!!

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 13 Nov, 2018 - 10:19AM

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:17PM

That is one mega brush you are tarring everyone here with honey!

13 members like this comment.

1273309-Deleted - 12 Nov, 2018 - 01:17PM

It's a tough one.
I think it all depends on how far into the relationship you are.
For example, if you've only met a few times and haven't decided if it's going to progress, then I think it's perfectly okay to remain on the site. But if, on the other hand you have both 'committed to an IE relationship with each other, and it's clear that's what you're doing, then I would suggest that you need to draw a line ( however temporary) under your mutual searches ( unless you both agree otherwise) and put all your efforts into each other.

7 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:17PM

There are no adults on here; only pretend ones. Assume we all lie and that's it.

5 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 11 Nov, 2018 - 07:15PM

MrsWilliams: no, you have double cheaters, who want more than one man, but only want to see men who want them alone, so they simply lie about it. Suppose happens other way around as well. Indeed very unpleasant. When confronted, they cry harassment, utters threats and display contempt. You loose some you gain some.

tea_coffee_me_ - 11 Nov, 2018 - 02:26PM

angels knickers

I have met a guy and had great sex. He wants to meet more frequently than I am able to ...

- Exactly the reasons for the points I am making!

1 member likes this comment.

Acorn Tree - 10 Nov, 2018 - 03:50PM

Like to put a point across from the male perspective! I came here looking for excitement and fun and a little bit of an adventure. I've done it before, not from IE, and loved everything as did my partner. I would be devastated as was "2waysincerncounter" if my partner stepped outside of our rules.
If you have an illicit encounter the only safe way is with someone you can trust. For a married man or woman with family in the background if you can't trust the person in your IE then it is extraordinarily dangerous. From my point of view trust is the most important ingredient if that is there the good things will follow.

5 members like this comment.

1275525-Deleted - 10 Nov, 2018 - 09:43AM

i am totally fed up with men who claim to be off this site - and then generate a new profile . I have met a guy and had great sex . he wants to meet more frequently than I am able to so I think he has got more than one woman on the go . So much for feeling wanted and exclusive PAH !!

11 members like this comment.

MrsWilliams - 10 Nov, 2018 - 12:51AM

You can be honest, even on a site like this.

If you ask for an exclusive relationship on your profile, offer the same in return. If you want casual sex, say so.

4 members like this comment.

1252972-Deleted - 09 Nov, 2018 - 01:27PM

3 years ago i had a wonderful affair with a beautiful lady. We both agreed to come off the site and it was amazing. That ended and i have come back on the site to be so disappointing. I Met this lovely lady and we agreed to come off. After a few weeks chatting on mail she went quiet. So i check on the site and saw her profile again was active. She made no excuse of why she was back on except that she liked men and sex. Maybe because we did not meet regularly. I suppose we all have our hidden agendas. But fair to say be honest and up front. Its the best way. After all we are cheating on our partners and therefore do not need to be cheating again.!!

4 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 08 Nov, 2018 - 11:25PM

It killed me; we had agreed we would eliminate each other's profiles; agreed on exclusivity; had we not, I would not have had a problem; then I found out 6 months down the road that she had not eliminated her profile; somewhat warned by her remarks that if I could not meet her quickly, our agendas did not match for a few weeks, she said she would resort to kikking (I never did that, no plans either) and watching porn-movies. At the time of those remarks I thought she was joking as the remark taken as is, is too rude for words. After all, we had agreed 1-on-1 besides our partners, and on meaningful sex and friends-with-benefits. Again, had we agreed on loose behaviour,anything goes, then I would not have felt so humiliated. All bogus. Expect the worst behaviour here and when it is otherwise count yourself lucky. It did not break my heart, even though I thought it did, which was confusing, worse, it did break my trust, in anyone. Good luck.

1 member likes this comment.

1274565-Deleted - 08 Nov, 2018 - 10:44PM

Dear member

There is no such monogamy on this site. If you find somebody with the same opinion as yours it is good for you. We are here (I speak for the ones that agree with me) for sex - just sex. Some like to change their partners frequently and some don't. Some like to keep two or three partners on the go as we are busy and can not meet the same partner when we want to. If you want more than sex there are other sites.

4 members like this comment.

1273309-Deleted - 08 Nov, 2018 - 04:39PM

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule around exclusivity.
I would assume that both parties are aware of what the other wants either through their profiles, or discussing before or after they've met.
We're all adults here....I think! So if either person is uncomfortable with the arrangement, then clearly it's not going to be a particularly enjoyable experience, and the choices would seem to be obvious.
Why complicate your illicit encounter by introducing jealousy and other negative emotions into the pot, and risk those getting in the way of something that should be fun and fulfilling?

2 members like this comment.

SecretSt - 08 Nov, 2018 - 03:19PM

In my searches on IE I commonly find women who are looking for one special affair and for whom discretion is of the greatest importance. When I was lucky enough to meet one of them earlier this year I immediately stopped visiting IE, other than to delete my profile. This seemed the obvious next step, in order to assure her of my commitment, as far as that is possible in the circumstances of an affair between two married people, and my discretion. I wouldn't have expected her to have been happy with anything less; indeed I expected and received the same from her.

You can conclude that sadly our affair was short lived and now I am back.

3 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 08 Nov, 2018 - 08:42AM

Some people, both are married and both want to be exclusive, ok in theory, however as both married often its difficult to meet and who knows you may only be able to meet every two months or so!

Some people on here single and looking for non committed, some want just one, others more 'friends', as again if single you may only be able to meet with that married person once a month or less!! (Some its once or twice a year!!)

In an agreed exclusive relationship or not, you have NO RIGHTS over that other person, why not be on here? Why not share experiences and guide others. When you see your ie person due to reasons (beyond their control or their choice) it may be the last time you ever see each other, there are no guarantees and personally I have found very few relationships are able to last OR see each other with the frequency hoped...

5 members like this comment.

1118221-Deleted - 08 Nov, 2018 - 08:26AM

I think this is for each individual IE couple to work out for themselves. You should let your partner know how you feel. If you are really uncomfortable when they say they don't want the same thing then end the relationship.

6 members like this comment.

Time.is.right - 08 Nov, 2018 - 07:18AM

It’s whatever you decide between you.. if you’ve both talked about just one IE then you have to question their seriousness, if you’ve not discussed it, then anything goes. If you find them on IE after a date before they’ve replied/messaged you, then ditch them regardless. Although how you’d know they were on IE kind of implies you’re on there yourself.

5 members like this comment.

1253630-Deleted - 08 Nov, 2018 - 02:16AM

If you really like someone and it's definitely mutual then maybe you should discuss the possibility of being exclusive and see if you both want to come off the site .It's not like this site has lots of other features like forums so it's mainly to meet others . Unfortunately for some men any sex is good sex and they like variety , the grass is always greener .I think you have to be pragmatic and also get to know which type of guy or woman you have .My gut instinct is my guide.You can't control partners or insist on exclusivity but it's relatively easy to gauge attitudes. I have a casual friend,a born womaniser who always lies about women and to them .A few years ago I started seeing him but despite him saying he loved me I found he was on several sites .I even catfished him pretending to be someone else .I wanted to know what it was that was lacking in me that made him continue to look .The answer was his need for variety ,some men are wired that way .Exclusivity suits more women than men in my opinion

1 member likes this comment.

1269507-Deleted - 08 Nov, 2018 - 12:21AM

I think it very much depends on what your IE partner said they were looking for once you clicked. For me, when I found someone on here previously, I stopped coming on because I'd found someone to spend quality time with. Staying on the site would suggest you are looking to chalk up extra notches or that you've settled for the time being for what you can get. Neither of which is particularly desirable or respectful.

6 members like this comment.

Currently online:
Registered Users: 262

Letters to Sara

secure discrete friendly