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Letters to Sara

When the wife knows

This the second time I’ve been on this site .
I’m a Carer 24/7 for my husband so that’s my reason for being on here .
First time around I met and had a lovely affair for two years with a lovely man before I finished it for personal reasons . After take a year out I decided it was time to come back on to see if I could be lucky a second time around .
I’ve met a really nice man and we have met three times and so far the spark is there great I’m thinking I'm going to be as lucky as the first time in finding a genuine man .
there’s only one problem on the horizon due to his personal circumstances his wife has took the very adult decision to allow him to have a mistress , she didn’t want to lose him the house the friends she wanted to protect the children and the grandchildren so they agreed on certain rules that he has agreed happily to follow which of course for him takes away all the guilt , they only decided on this course a year ago so there’s been one other besides me and the first one lasted six months so even she hasn’t had long to deal with how this will make her feel over time I know she was genuinely upset when his first mistress finished with him so the rules are 
his wife is told where he’s staying for the night she also suggested if he has to travel away then two nights are better than one .which he then changed with the First Lady and now thinks we should have 2 nights away once a month as that’s what the wife feels suits her She always packs his case for him . They are both on there second marriage and in there sixties .and have been together 20 years He cannot text from 6 in the evening till 10.30 at night when he retires to the his own bedroom these are the rules or curfew so no secret texts . My biggest worry that Im struggling to get my head around is one of the rules is she had to know my name , which makes me feel vulnerable and add that to that her knowing where we would be staying I feel as a private person it gives her to much power over my life as if I’m doubling the risk for my family and I feel on the site he promised to be discreet and keep my life safe so to tell her anything about me is breaking that trust between him and me . I feel odd that he goes home and talks to his wife about me and had I know this before we met I would have given him a false name but It’to late . He says I don’t have to worry that I can trust her but one of her conditions was they didn’t tell anyone about her allowing him a mistress so why if she insists on that from him why didn’t they think that any mistress would also want it to remain private . I really can’t get my head round is this good or bad as it seems to have removed the magic and excitement and the fun it seems controlled and not by him I’m not asking him to be disloyal to his wife , I just can’t get away from it feels he is being disloyal to me as I hold back sharing anything with him as it feels there are three in this relationship and i don’t know if it’s fair for me to think that but it just feels odd . 
But he’s great to be with which makes it harder to walk away as it could be really really good 
So has any one else been in this position any advice would be welcome .

12 members like this.

Comments (41)

White Sage - 06 Apr, 2018 - 09:09PM

This feels very odd to me and you should absolutely trust your strong female instincts.
Something isn’t right because your potential new man is completely henpecked by his wife and he is not his own man.
Walk away, there are plenty more to choose from who would never ask this from you Xx

4 members like this comment.

Rosyglow282 - 04 Apr, 2018 - 11:11AM

Sounds a weird set up to me...I wouldn't be happy in that situation. I much prefer both being in the same situation...both with the same to lose. Dump him quickly!!!

3 members like this comment.

1186396-Deleted - 04 Apr, 2018 - 08:06AM

More fun and less complication, find someone else ASAP.

captain883 - 03 Apr, 2018 - 12:43PM

There is only one hard rule on this site - discretion!! Nothing, and I mean nothing should compromise this. As already commented here, if that is not respected - run for the hills!

4 members like this comment.

Professor Love8188 - 30 Mar, 2018 - 05:19AM

Are you looking for sex or lasting love?

IEs are about sex. If you want love, try a Dating site after your divorce.

MountainKing73 - 22 Mar, 2018 - 08:58PM

Wow, the level of hypocrisy in your comments is staggering.You say you feel like he is being disloyal to you, who do you think you're being disloyal to?? Accept his conditions willingly, or move onto someone else.

2 members like this comment.

M1o1xxx - 13 Mar, 2018 - 08:13PM

This situation is clearly this man and his wife pulling the strings while you play the puppet.

This man's loyalty clearly lies at home with his wife and the essence of an IE went out the window the minute he gave up your details and left you feeling vulnerable, oh and then let you know how it was going to be.

If it doesn't feel right trust your instincts, worse case scenario she has all the information to compile her case for the divorce if it ends that way and the last thing you would want is to be named as the other party.

It seems that the one thing missing here is that there is no mutual RESPECT between you and this man, he gave you no choice to be named and clearly has the expectation that you will put up with what he and his wife have decided in your affair.

Accept it or reject it but it doesn't seem to sit well with you. Good luck.

8 members like this comment.

1214507-Deleted - 09 Mar, 2018 - 12:30AM


4 members like this comment.

1204272-Deleted - 24 Feb, 2018 - 11:14PM

These type of relationships work very well for some people, It is known as cuckquean in the relationship you describe or cuckold the other way round where the husband is allowing the wife to have another partner.
I myself have had three very successful such relationships spanning 11 years.

4 members like this comment.

1134762-Deleted - 19 Feb, 2018 - 01:49PM

Run for the hills!

5 members like this comment.

SloshPot - 17 Feb, 2018 - 08:19AM

Maybe the wife wants to come along and check he’s doing it right! Some people just can’t let go of the control...

I’ve never liked hen pecked submissive men...

2 members like this comment.

santascoming! - 15 Feb, 2018 - 09:26AM

No, no, no!!! You are very vulnerable here.......
What if she gets your details and tells your husband?
You are also on a different level of risk- his wife knows, it is all agreed.
I assume your partner doesn't know? You have much more to risk here than him!
It seems like you are almost a free prostitute for him here (sorry to be blunt)- maybe a bit 'safer' and less sordid than going to a paid sex worker? What are you getting out of it?
This doesn't seem like an affair- it's an easy bunk up for him....
You deserve better

6 members like this comment.

nottswife - 10 Feb, 2018 - 10:48AM

given what you write ... you are clearly uncomfortable with it , so time to move on .

It is interesting that the clue is in the name of the site , if its not illicit , it's not enjoyable .

My husband found out about one affair and was actually quite supportive and told me if it was what I needed to do etc etc ... totally ruined it as I rather stupidly told lover about husbands reaction and it weirded him out .

I think it may have been a bit of a psycho ploy on hub's part

we are on here to cheat rather than swing !

3 members like this comment.

1185743-Deleted - 09 Feb, 2018 - 10:32AM

Why do you need all of these complications where there are so great men on this site???

4 members like this comment.

WorshipHer - 07 Feb, 2018 - 12:24PM

Some years ago I met a woman for an extra marital affair and during the course of our first night together she mentioned her husband knew everything including where she was and had in fact dropped her off at the hotel.
Part of me felt it was good that they were open and looked out for each other, but another part of me felt slightly betrayed as she had left it so late to say. I think if it had been clear from outset they had an open relationship it would have been less (or no) issue, as it was though finding out so late in the day felt very weird and even a bit creepy.
The relationship did not go much further and although that alone was not the reason for it ending, it was a very large part of it.
My own learning is that with illicit affairs as with any other relationship, there has to be symmetry in things and that especially includes disclosure. If you agree it is to be "discreet" you must agree upfront what that means - and that absolutely includes who might know about what is happening.

7 members like this comment.

1123221-Scheduled For Deletion - 06 Feb, 2018 - 04:53PM

Find someone else far less complicated then this bloke. He has all the control, move on seriously.

9 members like this comment.

Anatano koi hito - 05 Feb, 2018 - 12:09PM

Sounds like there is another story here somewhere? What’s the endgame?

1 member likes this comment.

amber57 - 04 Feb, 2018 - 08:49PM

I, think ,...... its a odd way to carry on. as i said in my profile and to anyone who does not read it , ur marriage has nothing to do with me i do not want to know when we together is just him and me. you should stick to it, u will have a far better time as a friend and lover , than all the garbage u sitting in it now, names don't make any problems fairy tales do. i would never agree to that, nor let it come to this.
my advice, there are real nice guy's out there , get a new friend and lover,
good luck

3 members like this comment.

984721-Deleted - 04 Feb, 2018 - 10:16AM

really ! Are you serious ! Delete and move on .....this is going nowhere but creepyland

11 members like this comment.

Lifes2Short25 - 03 Feb, 2018 - 09:52AM

I did once encounter a very bazaar IE guy - he seemed nice enough via emails, chatting on the phone and when we met for drinks it was great.
A few meets later I went to his house and when in his bedroom on his bed having sex, I heard a ‘creaking’ sound coming from the wardrobe!
His WIFE was actually hiding in there but watching US through the gap in the wardrobe door!! Apparently this really turned them both on, to which they would have great sex afterwards!
I never met up with him again.......

9 members like this comment.

1048753-Deleted - 03 Feb, 2018 - 02:04AM

This is ALL about control. The wife wants complete control over everything. I know this will be monumentally difficult but this will really screw with your head so I feel the best thing would be for you to say bye bye.

I am the wife in this scenario and I never want to know her name, where he is, or anything like that. FFS we have mobile phones. Put it on silent service - there is ABSOLUTELY no good reason for her to need to know your name, ot where he is. She sounds like a first rate cow to me and makes me realise how nice I am! Good luck

4 members like this comment.

Annaverylondon - 03 Feb, 2018 - 12:35AM

Run, run, run! I don't believe the guy has a wife.

2 members like this comment.

1203576-Deleted - 02 Feb, 2018 - 02:49PM

I can see how this is progressing.........in a few weeks time she will suggest that as she knows everything you may as well spend 2 nights with them and save on the hotel costs and all that packing..........and she will promise that she will never come out of her room or listen in on the proceedings ;-)

4 members like this comment.

924200-Deleted - 02 Feb, 2018 - 02:44PM

Just one word CREEPY!

4 members like this comment.

gaspod - 02 Feb, 2018 - 10:41AM

Sounds like a weird film or book where this behavior leads to nasty consequences. I’d get out like a shot before you get too deep, Plenty of “normal” people out there you will like.

3 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 30 Jan, 2018 - 03:50PM

Well, I still think it's a great idea. Give him to me!

3 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 29 Jan, 2018 - 04:35PM

I think that is a very strange arrangement and would make me feel rather uncomfortable.
I would personally walk away from this as it will only end in tears

9 members like this comment.

damask - 28 Jan, 2018 - 10:22PM

oh i forgot to say its nothing to do with divorcing for adultery - fault is not impt in financial settlements unless its extreme violence

damask - 28 Jan, 2018 - 10:21PM

this is definitly wierd and i agree the wife is a control freak - walk away now

5 members like this comment.

1191975-Deleted - 28 Jan, 2018 - 06:28AM

It’s a very strange carry on, do you think they are in an ‘open marriage’ and discus everything. Is it possible the wife wants the husband to go away for two nights as she is seeing a nother man on the quiet. Why did he feel the need to tell her he wanted a mistress better to just do it and tell no one, i dont think its right for him to be discussing everything you do, where you go with his wife, it sounds like she is some kind of control freak. I hope she’s not getting him to talk so she can divorce him for adultery if it goes wrong between them. I would be a little bit wary as to the telling his wife everything. If she was upset when his first mistress finished with him it may be because he stopped in more and she couldn’t see her fellow. Its normally the two lovers who will make and agree the rules weird his wife wants to be involved, maybe talking about what he did with you to his wife excites them both and they then sleep together. Im only on here as sex has dried up i couldn’t sleep with two

6 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 27 Jan, 2018 - 11:30PM

I got to the bit where the wife packs his suitcase........ - NOOOOO!! Get out now - this is peculiar & weird on all sorts of levels & you are being played. You know this - you've said you feel vulnerable. This seems to be all about them so leave them to it, let someone else provide the third leg to their extremely wonky stool.

17 members like this comment.

Teicu - 27 Jan, 2018 - 02:54PM

I would quite happily do this if my husband wanted an affair. I don’t think I would what to know the details though, that’s just a little odd for my liking

2 members like this comment.

1100197-Deleted - 27 Jan, 2018 - 02:35PM

I assume you agreed to this before you began your affair with him. Otherwise naming you ect is bang out of order I'm my book . but you, know what's right for you really , lots of luck

1 member likes this comment.

608-Deleted - 27 Jan, 2018 - 11:30AM

I think the wife is imposing all these conditions to constrain any emotional relationship between you and her husband, so that it will just feel like one of sexual relief. That is treating you as equivalent to a prostitute. We all know that there is far more to sexual pleasure than just the physical sensations so I suspect that if you do start an affair with this guy you will find it unsatisfactory. I advise you to walk away and look again for a lover who will be both discreet and keep the relationship just between the two of you

8 members like this comment.

E. Edward Grey - 27 Jan, 2018 - 11:01AM

I had a relationship with a lady I met here a few years back. I knew she was having some marital difficulties but she eventually told me that her husband knew all about our relationship and even had access to read all our e-mails. Like you, I found that very uncomfortable and felt it added a whole new dimension that was out of my control. Somebody I knew nothing about was privy to a lot of very private information. I didn't need to think about it too much and finished the relationship immediately. You have to follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right then don't carry on.

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 27 Jan, 2018 - 11:01AM

I haven't been in this situation at all but for what it's worth, my advice would be to walk away ... you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I can understand the wife's rules ... being the one in control and setting the boundaries ... probably the only way she can deal with it *for now* BUT what happens should she have a change of heart later ... things could get very difficult for you in all sorts of ways.

4 members like this comment.

E. Edward Grey - 27 Jan, 2018 - 10:59AM

I had a relationship with a lady I met here a few years back. I knew she was having some marital difficulties but she eventually told me that her husband knew all about our relationship and even had access to read all our e-mails. Like you, I found that very uncomfortable and felt it added a whole new dimension that was out of my control. Somebody I knew nothing about was privy to a lot of very private information. I didn't need to think about it too much and finished the relationship immediately. You have to follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right then don't carry on.

1 member likes this comment.

The Actress - 27 Jan, 2018 - 10:18AM

Beware tolerant wives!

Before you know it, she'll be booking the room next to yours, to make sure you're treating him right!!

1 member likes this comment.

Sexybexy - 27 Jan, 2018 - 09:08AM

You get to spend whole nights away and she even packs his bag? What on earth are you moaning about?! It sounds perfect to me. Don't forget that you've every right to ask your man not to discuss certain details of your relationship with his wife. I'm sure she wouldn't want to know them anyway. I just wish that all spouses were as sensible as this one appears to be...

356143-Deleted - 27 Jan, 2018 - 08:33AM

I’ve spoken to someone with this exact set up, maybe even the same person? It wasn’t the right sort of set up for me, as you say going home and talking about the whole trip away, not a good thought at all for you. Sounds to me that for whatever reason this woman can’t/won’t indulge in intimacy but wants to control and manipulate any fun her other half has 🙄 advice would be, if it doesn’t feel right, move on until it does.

1 member likes this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 27 Jan, 2018 - 01:12AM

If you do not feel safe and comfortable, do not do it.

It can work really well, I have known several in this situation (open marriages or be discreet)... however I am single, so 'husband' wise have nothing to loose, yet I have children and I like my privacy also.

The magic being removed by being given permission .... hummm the fun and enjoyment of time together if a partner knows or not should be the same, in my humble opinion.

Yes IF you had known in advance you would be able to use a false name, may be in future use a false name until you are happy to reveal your real one. Many do so as standard.

It is not easy to find the right person, yet given what you write, will you be able to relax and enjoy your time together with all these worries?

4 members like this comment.

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