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Letters to Sara

How Do I Choose?

Some of your members hoping for a new letter, so here's my dilemma!

I joined IE last year and after some conversations and a couple of meetings met a great IE partner. We met up for a few months but then his job became much busier and finding meeting time became stressful. We agreed we couldn't continue and he didn't want me to wait several months until his project was finished, it ended amicably. I know this wasn't just an excuse I knew where he worked and what he was doing to make him so busy.

I joined again and this time it took longer and no one seemed to be right, I was ghosted a couple of times, some of the conversations took an unsavoury turn. However, just as I was about to give up I found a really nice man and we started to meet.

Six months on and my first man has been in touch to ask if we can meet again. I sense that my second friend is no longer quite as attentive but still very much wants to see me, maybe the initial 'omg' has worn off for him but he still seems happy. However, I feel like either could decide this is not for them or still want to see me for some time to come.

These men are very different but I would be happy to date either in real life. They are kind, successful and attractive, I like them both, we have things in common and are friends too but nothing too intense and scary. So I do want to carry on seeing the one that is likely to stick around longest. I found looking for someone a second time quite stressful and am unlikely to try this again.

So ladies and gentlemen - how do I choose? It is an unwritten rule of IE that you simply can't discuss the future or how you feel as it's not part of the deal. So...any clues or suggestions? Is six months or so the time at which these things run their course anyway?Any help or suggestions would be brilliant!

14 members like this.

Comments (62)

1198132-Deleted - 08 Jan, 2018 - 09:02PM

Another thing I have learnt since writing my letter is that relationships with people you meet like this can ebb and flow over time. Even though my second IE has moved on we are planning to meet for lunch in a while. Meanwhile my first IE became a friend while we were not meeting. I think I did the right thing not seeing them at same time and have made two lovely friends as well.

1191975-Deleted - 07 Jan, 2018 - 08:47PM

There is no guarantee that either relationship will last as no one knows what the future holds, people make promises all the time and break them. People do have to work but do you want someone who works to live or lives to work all the time. Theres more to life than the size of your bank balance and how succesful you are at work, people who work too much by choice or being in the emergency services or armed forces spend a lot of time away from family not by choice as i had to and that alone will destroy a relationship as the other person will ultimately feel rejected for whatever reason. You could see them both at the same time but how would you feel if they both had two women they were seeing. My suggestion would be pick the one who’s right for you and go with that one we know the people we meet have husbands and wives and accept that but i think most people would find it hard to accept you are seeing two other men, if you cant choose youve not met tge right one yet so keep looking.

1198132-Deleted - 04 Jan, 2018 - 07:43PM

Thanks to all for your replies, I did write an update to IE that hasn’t been published. Anyway things have moved on again since then. So many advising to see both but I could’t. I thought about advice that I was having to fit round their lives, so I told my first IE that I just wasn’t free to see him and could make no promises for future. Second IE has been lovely but told me with Christmas and a family event in spring he had to bow out. My first man is still free and I am seeing him next month, he’s very keen still. I haven’t told them about each other but not seen them at same time. I guess it’s all worked out in the end. Ps I’m separated and have been for a long time so no husband complications.

2 members like this comment.

The Actress - 02 Jan, 2018 - 08:54PM

How did you get on? Did you continue to see them both? Or did you settle for just one---more importantly, which one?

The saga continues---It's been 4 months since you wrote that letter---do let us all know how things worked out!!

3 members like this comment.

1184851-Deleted - 20 Dec, 2017 - 02:31PM

I assume you are not looking for a marriage partner, so you don't need stability, go with the one that gives you the butterflies, and makes your pulse race. I wish you well : ) xx

2 members like this comment.

1187025-Deleted - 06 Dec, 2017 - 10:58PM

My suggestion is why not be greedy and meet both? After all I wouldn't be looking to have an exclusive playmate nor be exclusive to anyone either. This is not a conventional dating site so I don't have the right to expect that. Having said that I don't wish to be part of a harem of women either. Just enjoy happy times with both and make the most of it. Life is for living remember and this is

2 members like this comment.

santascoming! - 01 Dec, 2017 - 08:10PM

See both of them!!

1068925-Deleted - 15 Nov, 2017 - 11:41PM

I'd choose the first man, it's obvious you prefer him. Most affairs might only last a year at best, after all they're built on just lusty and limited foundations. This dampens naturally in time without the depth that a full relationship has.

MysticalSunlight47 - 03 Nov, 2017 - 02:19PM

Firstly, you are certainly lucky to have two chaps to choose from! I'd say choose the guy who you are most fond of, and that's about it. If that is impossible, perhaps think about not seeing either guy and restarting with somebody else perhaps...This is certainly a dilemma, but putting myself in this position, I'd think about potentially choosing the guy who makes you happiest, and if I could not, I would leave the whole thing alone. I wish you the very best in making such choices, as yes, they are difficult ! best wishes.

1 member likes this comment.

Tease Me! - 28 Oct, 2017 - 05:13PM

As this was originally posted in August, it would be interesting to know if there is now an update!

4 members like this comment.

atwistoffate - 23 Oct, 2017 - 04:50PM

Seems bonkers to me that you think a discussion forum could give you the answer to this question.

8 members like this comment.

Rich928 - 19 Oct, 2017 - 11:59AM

It is lovely to hear someone showing care for another's happiness/welfare, but also your own. If you go back far enough, relationships have often been about choice ie do I commit, finish, see someone else or the "double cross" ie see them both. There is also a risk with every choice you make. The original guy and you seem to have it right, in that you had a conversation and you both made a decision - that seems like the best type of relationship where you actually communicate, as this is key to any relationship you would like to last. Unfortunately no one can make that decision for you and it would not be right if they did. The only thing I can suggest is sit down with a piece of paper and right down what you like/prefer most about each person and perhaps that may help steer your decision. Good luck:).

3 members like this comment.

Paolo54 - 18 Oct, 2017 - 07:36PM

Dilemma , you really ought to be grateful you have a choice !
I think many men here can search for ages just to get a reply, let alone actually meet , or god forbid actually embark an affair. Ladies in this work you hold the reins and get to choose.

3 members like this comment.

1033455-Deleted - 17 Oct, 2017 - 06:07AM

I’d say the second

danab1032 - 11 Oct, 2017 - 10:22PM

Choose both :)

3 members like this comment.

999647-Deleted - 10 Oct, 2017 - 04:51PM

Some encounters can last for years.

5 members like this comment.

The Actress - 09 Oct, 2017 - 05:38AM

@miss sarajevo

If you want to convince your lover that he's your "one and only" it's simple---don't just hide your profile; delete it!!

13 members like this comment.

miss sarajevo - 05 Oct, 2017 - 06:04PM

I am flirty, bubbly, easy company and never really short of male attention. My sex drive and libido is higher than some but in my IE I have found a perfect match for what I was seeking in an IE and am very satisfied. However the longer our relationship goes on the more convinced he becomes I have others on the go too. He does not understand that in spite of my appearance, demeanor and sexual appetite I meant what I said about only wanting one IE. Given the responses on here to 'see both' I now know why.

10 members like this comment.

1171294-Deleted - 01 Oct, 2017 - 12:43AM

I had a relationship for almost 5 years! However I was not prepared to see only him and made this clear. I did meet a few others during the period and I know he met one other lady which I didnt mind about. There are no hard and fast rules - do what suits YOU and surely the nature of this site is not that we commit to monogamy surely? My own idea of a perfect partner on Ie is in fact, a friend with benefits and not a soulmate and just a one to one relationship with him.

1 member likes this comment.

Devereaux - 26 Sep, 2017 - 06:40PM

'It is an unwritten rule of IE ...'

Surely the first rule of IE, is that there are no rules? Be respectful is a good approach; life is too short to not enjoy the moment.

2 members like this comment.

1171308-Deleted - 22 Sep, 2017 - 05:59PM

See both... I see about 4.
Basically none are commiting for a future and can not see you on a regular basis, and you never know when any of them will suddenly dissapear for what ever reason, basically it's called don't put all your eggs in one basket. Have fun, go for it. X

13 members like this comment.

LovelyLady777 - 20 Sep, 2017 - 11:19AM

Do you have to choose? They're in another relationship so why can't you?

6 members like this comment.

sferena - 15 Sep, 2017 - 12:14PM

@ The actress
your comment made me smile: 'Pragmatically, most men here want someone to be the "cream in their coffee" without intruding upon what they have at home...'

Just like a cappuccino- they are usually lovely on the surface and very sweet with all that frothy cream sprinkled with cocoa powder, but underneath it's just plain coffee with the usual bitterness.
That's what any IE is.

So you're right. The OP should just enjoy both while the 'cream' is still there. I always said there should be an Illicit Coffee shop. It seems most here meet first time in one anyway.

14 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 13 Sep, 2017 - 07:27AM

@ Vive la Difference
Your profile has made me laugh and I totally agree with everything you say there. Good luck in your search.

2 members like this comment.

want2fizz - 12 Sep, 2017 - 08:01AM

Obviously you are able to attract the kind of men you want. So why worry enjoy the now.

Vive la Difference! - 11 Sep, 2017 - 03:46PM


My profile is tongue in cheek. Thankfully the men get it! I am far from superficial. Just as well I'm not trying to attract a lady!!!

5 members like this comment.

893607-Deleted - 11 Sep, 2017 - 07:14AM

Hi, I don't think there is a timescale and believe it's who you meet, the chemistry, the things you do together, circumstances at the time, etc. I have had a few affairs ranging from 9 years to 4 months, all very different but I do believe they end at some point. My advice would be to see both (I suspect they would) as one or both will end. Hope it goes well but have fun and enjoy x

5 members like this comment.

ChrissyBi - 11 Sep, 2017 - 07:07AM

Hello....don't choose have both as one or both will "fade" sooner it later 😏
Have fun and don't fair it too seriously 🙂

4 members like this comment.

PR_man - 09 Sep, 2017 - 10:22PM

Sitting on the fence only makes your legs go numb. No risk, no reward.

2 members like this comment.

JessicaRabbit114 - 09 Sep, 2017 - 07:00PM

Go with the one that 'gets' you -go with your gut feeling....x

4 members like this comment.

Borderline847 - 09 Sep, 2017 - 12:21PM

See them both. It's not like you are choosing a future husband 😊

5 members like this comment.

1034755-Deleted - 07 Sep, 2017 - 11:01AM

See them both!

2 members like this comment.

1170630-Deleted - 07 Sep, 2017 - 10:15AM

I would say, as long as you are careful, then enjoy both if you can. They don't need to know, and if you're careful everyone is happy since they both still get to see you, and you enjoy both, and hopefully no-one gets hurt.

4 members like this comment.

ishmael123 - 07 Sep, 2017 - 09:57AM

Why not speak the truth?

I don’t know your suitors’ names so for now, let’s call them say Desperate Dan and Perfect Peter.

You can then have an authentic conversation with each…

‘…Hi Dan, lovely to see you again, well, a bit ‘samey’ but nice all the same. Anyway, thought I’d just mention that Perfect Peter’s coming back to the village and will join our support group sometimes. Just thought I’d mention as that’s three people’s ejaculate you may inadvertently come across when you’re down there. Yes, isn’t that wonderful? Must dash.’

5 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 05 Sep, 2017 - 10:39PM

Talk to the first IE man and see what he has to say, absolutely no written rule as to how long it lasts, if you go on to be friends it can last for years good luck and do what's right for you 😊

1 member likes this comment.

mistinthesea - 03 Sep, 2017 - 12:46PM

Enjoy you have a choice!

2 members like this comment.

The Actress - 02 Sep, 2017 - 07:12PM

I'm in the "See both of them" camp!

It all depends upon what You yourself need; a fling, a friend with benefits, or a full blown red hot affair!

Pragmatically, most men here want someone to be the "cream in their coffee" without intruding upon what they have at home, and since, (as a Mistress) you're necessarily low on the pecking order, there's room for two, especially if you don't see them weekly.

One fine day you're bound to loose one or the other, (or even get bored of one) Leave your options open, see them both, until you (or they) decide otherwise.

Most of all, enjoy your time with each of them, you lucky thing!!

3 members like this comment.

Aphra2015 - 02 Sep, 2017 - 02:01PM

@ExoticOrchid - 25 Aug, 2017 - 08:28PM


@Vive la Difference! - 26 Aug, 2017 - 08:11AM

"There are a million ways to keep a relationship alive if you want it. Wanting it, is the key phrase me thinks."

Your profile says "Your eye colour is irrelevant as long as they're not windows to your soul. I'm very superficial."

Perhaps it depends on what you want and see as satisfying? People here are trying to find a way of meeting a range of different needs.

@The cats whiskers - 27 Aug, 2017 - 04:44PM

Not cynical, just realistic. As indicated, my comments are based on experience. I might also have said that an element of legitimate sexual/romantic relationships that keeps them exciting and viable is planning for a shared future, obviously absent with an affair.

Perhaps the OP has been presented with the perfect antidote to the problem, by having two lovers on offer and should keep both as others here suggest. I can imagine that would keep the excitement going, but it's not an arrangement f

2 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 02 Sep, 2017 - 11:37AM

ExoticOrchid -

Thanks people either love it or hate it, which is great as it can narrow people down and save all our times ;-)

Have liked yours for a while too :-)

... how DID we find our selves here lol!

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 01 Sep, 2017 - 08:41PM

tea_coffee_me_ - 28 Aug, 2017 - 08:43AM

Great comment and incidentally, your profile is fab! ;-)

3 members like this comment.

1169501-Deleted - 01 Sep, 2017 - 08:30PM

Keep both if that feels right for you , protect your sexual health, and bear in mind they too might have more than one lady other than their wife.
I agree with some of the comments that the right affair does not have to have a shelf live of 6 months

2 members like this comment.

cruz1989 - 01 Sep, 2017 - 05:14PM

From what you say you already know the answer and are looking for endorsement. As "Summer Orchid" says why choose?

1 member likes this comment.

politody - 31 Aug, 2017 - 06:31PM

lucky you that you have a choice....

1070702-Deleted - 31 Aug, 2017 - 04:34PM

@ Aphra2015

Just a little off topic but I love your comment at the end of your profile that you never wear high heels and you'd rather eat worms than wear stockings - hilarious and probably true for most ladies on here! x

9 members like this comment.

Chantell1 - 31 Aug, 2017 - 04:32PM

I think your lucky to have two and like the attention that both bring.plus a husband so you really are playing a game. enjoy

Celestial608 - 30 Aug, 2017 - 05:14PM

Ditto Summer Orchid. Why choose? Too much fun is never enuff......

Perfect moments - 30 Aug, 2017 - 03:12PM

There is only you who can make the decision which one you want to carry on seeing. Go with your gut instinct because that is usually right..all the very best for you.

1 member likes this comment.

repeat offender - 29 Aug, 2017 - 11:05AM

Enjoy both, for their differences, then one is bound to have time for you and if things go stale, one is better than non....ENJOY

2 members like this comment.

1042023-Deleted - 29 Aug, 2017 - 09:48AM

"It is an unwritten rule of IE that you simply can't discuss the future or how you feel as it's not part of the deal"

I think you should be able to talk to both your IEs about both your affairs. Neither of these have a right to see you after all; only your husband.

The situation that has arisen is perfectly reasonable and its not your fault. Speaking candidly to both your IEs, given that they are the good men that you describe, could help you solve your dilemma. Such a conversation could lead to greater mutual understanding and a stronger/longer affair with one of them.

If you are so inclined they may be happy that you 'have your cake and eat it'. I don't think that I myself would be happy with that, but I haven't tried it and I certainly can't speak for the two men in question.

Best of luck.

2 members like this comment.

Passionata22 - 28 Aug, 2017 - 09:01AM

This sounds more like a serious relationship dilemma. The very nature of IE is transient whether it be longer or briefer.
Make sure you're not seeking a second marriage as if you are then don't expect IE to be the right site.
However if you're realistic about it being a bit of fun then my advice? See both guys without telling them.
If you're looking for something exclusive then sooner or later it will be over and you'll wonder why you expected more from the relationship than is offered.

2 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 28 Aug, 2017 - 08:43AM

Firstly no one can tell you what to you, you need to make the best informed decision that you can.

For me, I see more than one man, and all knew that when they first contacted me IF they had bothered to read my profile.

When I first started back as a mistress I quickly realised that one married man was just not going to work, how could it?
Married men MUST put their wives, children and work first. Often we are after the dog and feeding the goldfish ;-)
It is the way it MUST be.

Many of the men have planned to see me every week, this has never happened due to the way real life works.
Even though I know many men, some I see a few times a year, due to the above, distance, and where OUR relationship is...
Others a couple of times a month.
Some chatter a lot between meetings other only in contact when meeting up.
If it works and I want to see and be with them, I do, else move on.
... something to consider... ?

6 members like this comment.

The cats whiskers - 27 Aug, 2017 - 04:44PM

I sensed cynicism in your comment
The butterflies ect do still stay long into an affair
My affair only lasted a year but in that even towards the end the butterflies,excitement,sweaty palms,the sexual frisson ect ect you get my drift was all still there in bucket loads for both of us
So I also no for a fact affairs can last and last in there bubbles for longer than six months

4 members like this comment.

jasmina26 - 27 Aug, 2017 - 02:24PM

My IE lasted 6 months before his life became too busy. Time drifted and he kept me hanging on. Eventually I decided to move on to new IE but kept my text friendship. After a year I tried to end all ties with IE number 1. Surprise surprise he got his act together. I agreed to meet and planned to end it face to face. As the night unfolded I changed my mind. I liked both IEs for different reasons. Their availability complemented each other, they satisfied very different needs and for both there was a selfish and self centred approach to affairs that took precedent over anything I sought. I decided to see both. An arrangement that suits me perfectly. That way when one goes off the boil or drifts for a while I still have the other.This is not how I ever imagined it to be but I guess there are no rules on IE.

5 members like this comment.

summer orchid - 27 Aug, 2017 - 12:14PM

Why choose.

8 members like this comment.

North.to.Northeast - 26 Aug, 2017 - 12:50PM

Toss a coin!

Vive la Difference! - 26 Aug, 2017 - 08:11AM


Short and sweet from me, I couldn't disagree more! There are a million ways to keep a relationship alive if you want it. Wanting it, is the key phrase me thinks.

1 member likes this comment.

634072-Deleted - 25 Aug, 2017 - 10:31PM

keep both.

ExoticOrchid - 25 Aug, 2017 - 08:31PM

I've got to agree with "raymond961" ... ultimately only you and you alone can decide which one to choose.

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 25 Aug, 2017 - 08:28PM

Aphra2015 - 25 Aug, 2017 - 03:40PM

"I am always amused by profiles which state that the member is looking for the 'butterflies' and excitement associated with a new relationship,"

Oh yes!

Also, it always makes me wonder if that's the case, then they will have to keep moving on to the next one and the next and the next in order to keep those "butterflies" and "excitement" going ...

Perfect moments - 25 Aug, 2017 - 07:43PM

Only you can make that decision. You got to know both men quite well so way up the pros and the cons. Sometimes it's best to just go with your gut instinct. Good luck with whoever you decide to go.

Aphra2015 - 25 Aug, 2017 - 03:40PM

"Is six months or so the time at which these things run their course anyway?" I, and many others who have responded to letters here in the past, can confirm that it isn't necessarily; I had a relationship with someone I met on IE for over three years. However, there's little doubt that sustaining an illicit relationship over a protracted period is hard and can get harder the longer it continues, because there is no social context to the relationship. There is no shared family and friends and public life, which is what cements and supports most sexual/romantic relationships. There is only the bubble the illicit couple have created and this can be a bit unsatisfying once the initial exhilaration has diminished. I am always amused by profiles which state that the member is looking for the 'butterflies' and excitement associated with a new relationship, because I wonder how they imagine this can possibly be sustained - by their very nature, relationships don't stay 'new'.

12 members like this comment.

raymond961 - 25 Aug, 2017 - 03:27PM

Well, it isn't really up to other people to decide, which one to choose.
You know both these men we don't.
So really only you can decide which one would be more suited.

9 members like this comment.

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