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Letters to Sara


About a month ago I split up with an IE who I had been seeing for about 6
months. About 2 months before we split up he told me he had a face lift 3
years earlier. I don’t know to what extent this led to our split (there
were other issues), but I know I was a bit unsettled by this.

I felt a little conflicted, because I’ve never had a problem with my female
friends having surgical assistance where they felt it would help, but this
was the first man who admitted the same and on one hand I guess I thought
it was a little vain and unmasculine. On the other hand, I don’t know if I
would have found him attractive in the first place, if he had not had it
done. He never lied about his age, but he did look good for it.

I would be interested to know how others feel about this. Are double
standards acceptable? Is it OK for a woman to have a boob job, but not OK
for a guy to have a face lift? Do we have to accept that the heart (or
whatever) wants what it wants, even if it is unreasonable?

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Comments (49)

Snowgoose301 - 04 Mar, 2017 - 01:07PM

Of course cosmetic surgery is fine, it boosts a persons self esteem and makes them better company. I had a dodgy moment when an IE revealed that his wife had an artificial leg. I had visions of them lying next to each other and her getting out to literally hop to the loo. You just have to imagine how it would be for yourself and feelings adjust to a more accepting frame of mind. There but for the grace of God.

1125119-Deleted - 22 Feb, 2017 - 04:05PM

I think you answered your own question 'are double standards acceptable', clearly not because it is double standards!

At least he's proved beauty is only skin deep!

InvStu - 21 Feb, 2017 - 11:59AM

Does it really matter? We are or were with our IE's because we had an instant attraction and chemistry. If you are attracted to that individual on a physical basis then it clearly worked, cosmetic assistance or not. If I found a woman attractive then that is what matters, not how she achieved it. We could argue that by wearing make up we are changing or enhancing our natural appearance for vanity reasons. Surgery is a step forward from a touch of mascara and lippy but is it really that different? So if a fella or a woman wants to make the most of what they have, to make them more attractive and to feel better about themselves then why the hell not!

1 member likes this comment.

Samtoday - 16 Feb, 2017 - 09:10AM

Some men do moisturise their skin and it's ok. At this point, I see no difference, we all have the same skin. It's not vanity, it's self-care.

1 member likes this comment.

Dave1964 - 15 Feb, 2017 - 11:54AM

Blimy, who'd have thought! Next thing you know men will be MOISTURISING lol!

Samtoday - 08 Feb, 2017 - 01:04PM

If boys were brought up to be boys, boys will be boys, especially older boys. Don't get me wrong. I like a man who looks after himself, dresses well and smells great. However, I would have issues with men who have had cosmetic surgery to enhance their appearance. Yes, I have a distorted view about this topic this day and age. Yes, it's double standards! Yes, I'm being judgemental and prejudicial and I know it's wrong, but I can't help it! I don't want a dolly, I want a man! Shoot me now!

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ExoticOrchid - 07 Feb, 2017 - 06:47PM

As far as I am concerned, there is nothing wrong with a man or woman having cosmetic surgery if that's what they want.

However, how I feel about a man who has had cosmetic surgery purely for vanity sake is another matter. That is my personal opinion which I am entitled to, just as EVERYONE else is to theirs.

This was my comment right at the start of this letter:

"To be fair, as someone who has not had any kind of cosmetic surgery, I think the same about my female friends who have had Botox and boob jobs. Personally, the only time cosmetic surgery is necessary is for a medical condition, for example because of disfigurement or mastectomy."

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Discretely Discreet - 07 Feb, 2017 - 09:45AM

What difference does/should it make. Smacks of double standards if it's alright for women but not for men. Women already have the advantage of wearing make up (lots of it for some) to hide or enhance, where with a man what you see is what you generally get. By the way I'm NOT suggesting make up for men but if someone (man or woman) wants to spend the money to "enhance" their looks what's wrong with that.

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allore - 06 Feb, 2017 - 05:34AM

I can normally spot a nip and tuck a mile off.
I'd of got the surgeons number rather than running.

After all, it can't of been in your FACE obvious as he told you of it.

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mistinthesea - 01 Feb, 2017 - 10:32AM

We were raised to believe the word vain is a bad thing. It depends on where the vanity is coming from. That's all I meant, btw.

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Minnie2209 - 31 Jan, 2017 - 09:23PM

I think that if you were attracted to him before he told you that he had a face lift and now you are having doubts, is this not a little shallow on your part? Women have them done and not too much is said ! I feel if it's good enough for the goose then it's good for the gander. Perhaps you will regret ending this friendship!!

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kellysmile - 31 Jan, 2017 - 10:05AM

This man didn't have to tell you - he was being open and honest. It is his body to do with as he pleases- and who is anyone to judge if he is vain or insecure unless they have lived his life. Women and men should have the same options and choices - it is very much double standards to suggest a woman can have surgery but it's not masculine or correct for a man to do so. We are in 2017 for heaven's sakes.

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659961-Deleted - 31 Jan, 2017 - 09:09AM

Seriously ... Does a face lift change the person who you had been seeing for the last 6 months . If he hadn't told you you would have been none the wiser. It all sounds a bit superficial to me .

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Raquel12 - 30 Jan, 2017 - 12:09PM

Everyone trying to be so politically correct here, saying the right things. Some women wouldn't actually be bothered by the fact her guy has had cosmetic surgery. Good on them! But some do and there's nothing wrong with it. I agree, though, this guy was brave enough and trusted her enough to tell the OP he had been under the knife to enhance his appearance. However, if a woman feels disturbed by it -not saying it's an excuse to break up with anyone-I feel it's just something she can't help feeling, depending on how she was raised and how the men in her family behaved towards physical appearance. I have a father and have a husband who will not understand a woman's fat day, bad hair day, the typical female 'I have nothing to wear' or 'does my bum look big in this?' kind of issues, ignoring us. So many of us when facing a man who admits having had cosmetic surgery will almost feel angry for such vanity that has been carefully repressed in us. Even if that man is completely different from the men we know.

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Wishonastar - 29 Jan, 2017 - 10:39PM

Anywaythey split up,obviously it wasn't to be and finished for whatever reasons. I've changed my view as thinking about it,he didn't choose a plastic barbie so in a way that's a compliment to the lady.Perhaps he had surgery for his own valid reasons but if he was a nice enough guy that's what should really matter..his personal qualities X

mistinthesea - 29 Jan, 2017 - 01:26AM

perfect mistress material- lol, I lost internet connection a few times, it's late so I don't know if I'm being posted. Sorry for any repeated stuff. All in all, you missed my point. I was not comparing and I think you realised that later. It's just that you didn't read my post until the very end and it was too late, as you had already fired your opinion, so you wrote another one. I suppose you realised my point eventually but wanted to be consistent to your first post and used words I didn't. I don't mention being for or against cosmetics for disfigurement or beauty enhancement. I agree that a person who has cosmetic surgery just wants to look more attractive. I say in the end: 'it doesn't mean someone who has had cosmetic surgery is in this category....' I have had cosmetic procedures such as Botox and fillers. I only mentioned ego vanity because I know what a narcissist is, which is worse. It's all in the ego. Not in a knife or a needle, although anyone can be vain, with or without cosmetics.

2 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 29 Jan, 2017 - 12:09AM


Not everyone is blessed with wonderful bone structure etc. It sounds as if they have had ONE, A procedure to help them come to terms with time etc

Some people genes, dna, quality of life, etc look younger than they are and others older. Its obviously not been done badly and he didn't look like some horrific celebs, so what is the big deal.

My hair is thin, if I had it short it would look terrible, it looks better long, should I be forced to have it short and accept what it really is like or work around the problem.

As per a previous post, if I am unlucky enough to have bags under my eyes, and the money, they are being removed!

I am guessing you ware makeup, why? Shouldn't you just accept your age, lack of natural colour and go natural.


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1070702-Deleted - 26 Jan, 2017 - 04:39PM

@ LucyLasticReturns

Exactly!! Would it have mattered to the OP if the relationship had continued to be good - I don't think so!!

perfect mistress material - 26 Jan, 2017 - 02:35PM

Mistinthesea ps. I take your point at the end of your letter that you don't think people that have face sugery for improvement (not due to disfigurement) necessarily fall into the negative words you use to describe ,but you do mention that it's better than someone who has a vain personality , at the end of the day a person who has face surgery for looking better is in fact rather vain ,so your negative analysis means you do in fact think a person who has face work just for improvement ,look better etc does have or may show the negative traits you mention.As I said in my previous post all it shows when a person male or female has face work is that they want to look more attractive .

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perfect mistress material - 26 Jan, 2017 - 02:07PM

mistinthesea. Oh,come on ,I agree with the ego bit, but the other points you make are rather judgemental, a man (or a woman ) who has work done on their face or any other part of the body just because they want to look better doesn't necessarily mean they have all or any of the negative traits you mention ,the mans choice to have surgery in order to look better or the desire to improve how he looks (in his eyes) does not mean he is a certain 'type' of guy who may show signs of arrogance,narcissism,emotional blackmail.? (Jeez) and other choice words,tbh your comments reveal a very narrow minded and judgemental mindset that you may have, Please peeps Less of the psychological analysis , all it shows is people want to look better and are prepared to go to great lengths such as surgery to achieve it, shallow maybe,vain maybe , but otherwise don't judge.

3 members like this comment.

EROS8 - 26 Jan, 2017 - 01:23PM

It strikes me you've lost a good-looking man (for whatever reason), and might be regretting it......
It's a straight question: if women can have surgical work to enhance their looks, why can't men?
And the answer is "they can". What difference does your gender make? Men do face packs; teeth whitening; botox; gastric bands etc. Cosmetic surgery is always a gamble but women (generally) don't complain if it makes their man more handsome........

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LucyLasticReturns - 26 Jan, 2017 - 11:00AM


Oh c'mon, same could be said by some about men paying to join this site...horses for courses, don't judge

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The Actress - 26 Jan, 2017 - 10:31AM

@ Lilit

I do so agree! The OP doesn't share whether she ever saw what her IE looked like BEFORE his procedure, so we really shouldn't have an opinion, one way or the other.

I had a 40 year old friend who, (after much encouragement), had huge bags removed from under his eyes! Afterwards? To be honest, he looked exactly the same as before; just not haggard any more!

His family were all delighted for him. His work colleagues? They simply thought he'd been working too hard, and that the 3 week break had done him the world of good!! Don't know if he ever told them!!

My point is that if your looks are beyond the "generally accepted norm", then go for it, if you're not happy. (and you can afford it). Whatever your gender.

Just don't get talked into anything by the media, (or so-called friends).

What was that old one about never judging? I think it was about walking in someone else's shoes, but you know what I mean! LOL

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richard123 - 26 Jan, 2017 - 07:49AM

surely there are better things to spend money on!!!??

vanity or what!?? XX

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1099254-Deleted - 25 Jan, 2017 - 11:51PM

I don't think it's unmasculine. As long he is happy and doesn't look like an monster I don't see the issue. I would love if my husband would look after himself more.

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mistinthesea - 25 Jan, 2017 - 09:14AM

Don't forget vanity is multi-faceted. Vanity of the ego is the worst. It shows insecurity in disguise and it can manifest by showing arrogance, selfishness, narcissism, 'tantrums,' emotional blackmailing, etc., all after the initial charm and seduction. Egoistic vain characters can be deceiving because, of course, they want you to adore them first. After a while, they give you nothing in return.

It doesn't mean someone who has had cosmetic surgery, whether a male or female, is in this characteristic. Much better to meet someone like this than a vain person in personality.

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1106723-Deleted - 25 Jan, 2017 - 07:23AM

judging by the response I have received, so far not good haha, I am in need of that face lift

don't know if I would be happy with outcome let alone anyone else, but appears would not be received well either

rock and a hard place for many I suspect

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Harlot73 - 24 Jan, 2017 - 10:50PM

Amber 57
20th century?!

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Lilit - 24 Jan, 2017 - 10:05PM

Good plastic surgeons are real artists!
You have no idea how many people done it, just cos they keep their mouths shut...

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Ganfor - 24 Jan, 2017 - 04:17PM

I mean, we are all two-faced being on here, so what's the problem? :)

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Perfect moments - 24 Jan, 2017 - 02:49PM

Well I say each to their own. Some people are not happy with growing older and some like myself just grow old gracefully. The lines on your face mean that you have lived. If people don't like me or the way I look then it's their problem and not mine. I haven't lost anything.

perfect mistress material - 24 Jan, 2017 - 02:05PM

Maybe as you mentioned your friendship had run its course, the news of the face lift drew you to a conclusion, unless I had seen a pic before of the face and I did not recognise him at all after the face work I feel I would not feel freaked out by it, it's not just celebs in the male world that have work done these days, sounds like as you said you found it unmasculine and that was off putting for you .

1 member likes this comment.

Littlebird361 - 24 Jan, 2017 - 11:26AM

I guess the fact that, with the exception of teeth whitening, no men have responded saying they have had work done says something of itself. Either they don't have work done because they fear the response or don't admit it for the same reason, or maybe they think its not possible to improve on what they have.

SeldomSeen - 24 Jan, 2017 - 08:46AM

The crane hasn't been built that could lift my face ...

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raymond961 - 24 Jan, 2017 - 06:25AM

If you met a person who looked absolutely drop dead gorgeous, then had an accident that disfigured them, would you go off them? If yes then you only fell for their looks and not the person, so saying looks don't matter is not at all true.
If a woman has cosmetic surgery she is still the same person underneath, it's just the packaging that has changed.

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1079413-Deleted - 24 Jan, 2017 - 04:02AM

Well, myself thinks , it is not important!
It's,the personality, which counts!
and anyway we live in the 20th century, there far more interesting things in a person ,than a face lift , bust enlargements or whatever.
have you ever ask him why?
I think also its a big jump for a guy and he must have trusted you very much to let you know about it!
Never judge the book by the cover.

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sferena - 23 Jan, 2017 - 11:54PM

Why do we have double standards when it comes to men pampering themselves? The last time I dated a metrosexual I was 18. Although it didn't bother me at that age and I liked showing off a good-looking bf to my mates, the minute he told me he used hair rollers to get his straight long hair nice and wavy, I couldn't stop laughing but said good-bye. A few years on we met again in my mid-20s. He had a clean cut short hair, all booted and suited, a career-orientated young lad. We started dating again only for things to fall apart soon. He was more metrosexual than ever, despite his love for hair rollers had faded. Not only was he even more obsessed with his looks but he also wanted to control what I was wearing too.

Now, back on the topic-cosmetic surgery, why not? Like the deceased Joan Rivers said 'whatever helps you get by.' However, I still have a problem with men who do. Oh, why! It's ingrained in our subconscious as something un-masculine. Vain? Well, vanity has different facets to it.

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susan104 - 23 Jan, 2017 - 06:47PM

To be honest it wouldn't make the least bit of difftence to me if a guy had a face lift if it made him feel better about himself then it's all good guys get all kinds of stuff now teeth whitening hair transplants ect if he had got a boob job instead of a facelift now that would un nerve me lol x

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Gymfit8 - 23 Jan, 2017 - 06:37PM

I think it's an individual thing and we are all different, not sure you can slaughter him for having it done, not fair. Yes if he feels happier for having it done then it did the job

Summerbelle - 23 Jan, 2017 - 04:43PM

Each to their own as far as I'm concerned and it's certainly double standards to say that something is 'acceptable' for a woman but not for a man.

It's certainly not my place to judge anyone, male or female, for what they decide to spend their money on or what they do to their own body. That's entirely their choice. Whether or not I would find a man attractive who's had a face lift .. maybe, maybe not. Initial attraction is important of course, but it's the mutual connection on a much deeper level that makes for a lasting relationship, even an IE one.

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Wishonastar - 23 Jan, 2017 - 02:37PM

I think it's more to do with the 'type' of person who would have cosmetic procedures,whether male or female it's no different. I personally find it vain and superficial.I wouldn't be attracted to a man like that because he wouldn't be my type..too metrosexual for me X

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H0twife2016 - 23 Jan, 2017 - 01:53PM

"Are double standards acceptable?" NO
"Is it OK for a woman to have a boob job, but not OK
for a guy to have a face lift?" NO

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1070702-Deleted - 23 Jan, 2017 - 12:25PM

After the initial 'attraction' surely it's the person (not the face) you're having a relationship with? I think it showed how much trust he had in you to confide this.

5 members like this comment.

Classycougar - 23 Jan, 2017 - 12:09PM

I don't agree Sex me Up that it's a case of having more and more work done.
It's fine if you're sensible about what you're having done..and know when to stop. I believe that whatever our age we have a duty to ourselves to be the best we can. Yes I've had a few fillers to tweak the ageing process and it makes me feel great. I imagine that is why this chap had it done.

I agree he was very brave in being honest about it.....I haven't told anyone apart from my best friend, yet people have commented on how 'well' i'm looking. Keep em guessing, I say!

colem56 - 23 Jan, 2017 - 11:21AM

Nice clothes, bras and make-up, all cosmetic. I'm about to have some gaps in my teeth done. Am I vain, insecure, self-conscious, not'a man'. It's purely cosmetic.

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LucyLasticReturns - 23 Jan, 2017 - 10:32AM

Double standards? Yes
A face lift might tighten sagging skin but it doesn't change someone from looking like Andrew Lloyd-Webber to looking like Henry Cavill but when push comes to shove, why should a man having cosmetic surgery matter?
Some ppl think young men are vain and unmasculine because they use gel in their hair, have piercings & wax their nether regions..... you either fancy someone or you don't, warts (or fewer wrinkles) and all...

1 member likes this comment.

1113063-Deleted - 23 Jan, 2017 - 07:14AM

IF YOU WOULD HAVE PLASIC,SURGERY THEN YOU SHOULD OK WITH OTHERS HAVING IT.I would not (unless due to an accident ) to me we shouts vain, self obsessed and fragile ego, however some love fake everything ,ok so as the work ages you need more work, cant move your face and the only emotion you can show is shock lol. But as an IE is not forever, than if you think plastic is fantastic go for it.Alas fake looks cant fake a good person or great sex, looks help but sounds as if he had that. He was truthful with you, rare here, if you had other problems then ok , but if you ended it because he looked good and told the truth...I feel sorry for him.

3 members like this comment.

Sweetslush - 23 Jan, 2017 - 01:05AM

Really can't see how him having a face lift was a problem and unsettling. If it improved his looks and he felt confident for it, is that not good? Each to their own. I don't think anyone should judge what is ok for one and not another and gender shouldn't make a difference.

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ExoticOrchid - 23 Jan, 2017 - 12:15AM

Oh wow ... first of all, it was very "brave" or "honest" of him to tell you ... secondly, I'm afraid I would definitely feel as you do ... yes for sure unsettled and find it a little vain [OK very vain!] and unmasculine.

To be fair, as someone who has not had any kind of cosmetic surgery, I think the same about my female friends who have had Botox and boob jobs. Personally, the only time cosmetic surgery is necessary is for a medical condition, for example because of disfigurement or mastectomy.

That is my view of course. To each their own and all that. I know men have cosmetic surgery now days ... even Robbie Williams has admitted to having had a face lift!!!

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