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Letters to Sara

Does it get easier?

I'm a fairly new and possibly quite naive member of this site but have still managed to see both the positive and negative in here. I've met many members for coffee and things haven't "clicked" sometimes me, sometimes them and sometimes both. I've made new friends and found more with one or two.

I've also had people go from being the most talkative person on the planet to completely disappear without a trace. What I was wondering is, does it get easier to cope when what you considered a promising few dates, building trust, then ends with the other person just disappearing?

I know it's NSA, I totally understand it's the nature of it; I also get that for some people all they want is a booty call/FWB. As this is new to me I suppose I'm finding it difficult to comprehend why things can flip from hot to cold so quickly.

28 members like this.

Comments (45)

Sand_Sun_&_Laughter - 28 Feb, 2017 - 10:03PM

Definitely don't change your nature. We all have a set idea of what we seek, and what our illicit encounter journey kind of entails. There will be all manner of people that crop up in between.

You will encounter those that talk the talk, full on and are quite overwhelming, then falter when there is substance lacking to walk the walk. Manners and integrity are a big one for me. It costs absolutely nothing to be decent to another.

However, IE has definitely been a lot of fun for me, and continues to be. Don't allow anyone who lacks basic decency to marr any experience. Learn from it, and move on. There are definitely some truly awesome members out there. They just take a little bit of finding.

EROS8 - 20 Feb, 2017 - 12:57PM

Sorry but you need to harden up - stark reality.
The disappearing act is famous and forever present.
Not turning up is a bad deal, and a waste of your time. But that does tell you one thing - you got that bit closer but the person wasn't worth it. Not much consolation.
But your second point is THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT on this site. (If you look under comments on Rules of Comm. letter.........) The fact that people cannot just send a ONE WORD message saying "END" or "NO" when they want nothing more to do with you beats the minds of all those that can.
These people should be taken out at dawn and shot. Probability is they don't say please or thank you either

2 members like this comment.

The Actress - 15 Feb, 2017 - 12:34PM

@"Traveler 2k

"My advice, don't change your loving nature, don't get bitter, cynical or jaded and please, don't take any of this too seriously. The ghosts are the problems, not you."

Thankyou! That's so true! I couldn't have put it better!

Abigail (The Actress) 🎬

Squad1E - 13 Feb, 2017 - 04:33PM

Honestly, Im sad to say I think it reflects the way things are today. You would like to think that if there's one thing people can be on here it's honest, for most of us I think that is the case and again for most of us we have a underlying (decent) reason for being on here. Non of us want to hurt anyone which is why there are certain rules that must be followed. Surely just being a decent guy or girl is part of that. Common courtesy seems to evade some people.
I've not been a member for long and im unsure if its for me but what I would say it that if you do have a negative experience during your time on here don't dwell on it. give it the time it deserves(0) and move on ......

5 members like this comment.

traveler2k - 11 Feb, 2017 - 10:28PM

While 'ghosting' can be perplexing and frustrating, I cant agree with @Delightfulbelle more:
"My advice, don't change your loving nature, don't get bitter, cynical or jaded and please, don't take any of this too seriously. The ghosts are the problems, not you."

I think it is important to remain positive and not loose oneself due to a few bad apples.

Some are unable to control the pace in an IE and then suddenly panic and freeze when it becomes real.

3 members like this comment.

Incogneeto - 01 Feb, 2017 - 02:53PM

Does it get easier? Probably not. I joined back in September last year. I quickly identified that there are a myriad of agendas on this site, and quite a few players (I was shocked when I discovered that you need to consider your affair partner might be cheating on you)! In many way "ghosting" can be the least of your issues. IE is (my view) a jungle. My response has been to treat people exactly as they treat you, to invest nothing emotionally into an affair partner, and to move on if it isn't working. It's a sidebar activity not my life. Perhaps a bit hard-nonsed, but I hope it helps.

2 members like this comment.

Wishonastar - 29 Jan, 2017 - 10:41PM

Que sera sera...you can't change it and if it's meant to happen it will. If it doesn't happen then that's fine too X

1 member likes this comment.

1105254-Deleted - 26 Jan, 2017 - 03:18PM

It's not supposed to be easy!
Yes, it's frustrating when a seemingly encouraging thread of conversation with someone turns cold, but if that happens, brush it off and keep chatting.
As much as I'm not known for my patience, I'd make an exception to find the right IE.

3 members like this comment.

golden glow - 24 Jan, 2017 - 01:22PM

Shut and bolt the door on ghosts because as in a bad horror movie some turn up months and months later when you least expect it and try and wheedle their way back in. It's happened to me more than once on here where they rock back up because either the affair they ghosted you for ended, they can't find anyone else, or they're bored. I have given people second chances but if they don't treat you properly once the tone seems to be set.

You have to protect yourself on here as the biggest and most dangerous lies are the ones some people seem to be telling themselves.

27 members like this comment.

perfect mistress material - 24 Jan, 2017 - 12:08PM

it's just the same as a single dating site in that way, people drift away ,ghosting,for no reason you can think of,Ime afraid you are going to have to develop a thicker shell, don't take it so seriously,and just accept this is the way it goes sometimes .

3 members like this comment.

raymond961 - 24 Jan, 2017 - 06:20AM

I'm afraid that is life.
On any kind of site like this there are always people who lead you on then, just seem to jump ship.
You do get used to it. Just say to yourself, ok there goes another one, lets see who's next.

3 members like this comment.

mistinthesea - 24 Jan, 2017 - 12:49AM

What is wrong with these men? Do they lack stamina to chase and get, or are women way too easy these days? Or maybe too unapproachable? I can only see two extremes to explain so much lack of enthusiasm! Poor mites!

1 member likes this comment.

MrsMinxy - 23 Jan, 2017 - 11:35AM

I'm now in an identical situation to the letter writer and I am also feeling hurt and gobsmacked because it seems that everything I was fed was lies... surely on a site like this, telling lies is pointless?

I know I'll recover from this but my wounds are really deep at the moment :'-(

15 members like this comment.

ms-chic - 23 Jan, 2017 - 09:41AM

Welcome to the mad world of IE !

I trust no one until they prove me wrong.. and I think the longer you are on here the more cynical you get sad to say

Hard edged very - but saves the heart ache to come

Good luck x

9 members like this comment.

Lifes2Short25 - 22 Jan, 2017 - 10:34PM

I've been on IE for 4 years now and my very 1st IE I met after a few dates and loads of texting, emailing, phoning etc just completely disappeared! He didn't answer my texts, calls anything anymore, so after a few days I stopped contacting him.
I was confused at the time as to why he did this and made me a little more cautious with my next IE.
About a year later on the train home, who was sitting opposite me with his wife? My 1st IE!! He was bright red and could not look at me - I was tempted to say 'hi' to him, but didn't .!
Over the next 2 years I met some lovely guys, then just recently a new guy did exactly the same as my 1st IE and completely disappeared!
Once again, brush myself down and start again!

5 members like this comment.

fieldoflight - 22 Jan, 2017 - 09:55AM

I thought "911127 - Deleted" comment about disappearing being really immature quite funny considering.

People have many reasons for doing all the things mentioned, disappearing, going cold, whatever. It's often much more about them than you. Understand that, and as disappointing as it feels, know it's not usually personal.

4 members like this comment.

1079413-Deleted - 21 Jan, 2017 - 10:35PM

mein gott, i admire you ladies, wish i had a skin like you , not easy to shake stuff off, i m to sensitive i think , some even make me cry , as i was stupid enough to believe them , than they come bk with apoligy ,than it happend again , my god im to trusty i think
sandelwood

8 members like this comment.

Happy sweet girl - 21 Jan, 2017 - 05:08PM

Sorry south Herts
Spell check not my bestie today
Spelling your profile name wrong xxxx

6 members like this comment.

Happy sweet girl - 21 Jan, 2017 - 05:03PM

South hurts
Thank you for all your sweet words
And kindness you are a truly beautiful person

5 members like this comment.

The Actress - 21 Jan, 2017 - 12:32PM

I'm an actor; I do it for a living, and what I can say without a shadow of doubt, is that on a site like this you HAVE to be honest!

Unless you're Daniel Day-Lewis, it is quite impossible to keep up a façade for any length of time, it's simply too exhausting.....trust me, after I spend a day, playing someone else, all I want to do is be myself again. Same goes for some folks here; they play the game with great imagination; they try to be all things to all people in their quest for whatever they think is the best "turn on". Trouble is; when it all gets too much they switch off, and "ghost" you.

The only thing to do, if you're one of their victims is , well frankly, to be sorry for them---they're never going to be content, they'll just move on to the next one, and the next one.

Be your own honest self, and in the end you'll find someone who will be attracted to you for your real self, and then the fun can begin. Meanwhile know that it's not YOU at fault, pick yourself up, and try again!

4 members like this comment.

Wishonastar - 20 Jan, 2017 - 10:18PM

The fact is if someone disappears they just 'weren't into you' enough or maybe too 'into you'...Who knows. It really is a longshot finding someone suitable on a site like this.Perhaps even more so to find a 'decent' type amongst a myriad of stereotypical,cheater types. Just be prepared for meeting many unsuitable people, I was lucky in that my first IE was good but the second (and hopefully my last),has been the best ever X

5 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 20 Jan, 2017 - 08:35PM

I do agree with those who have also found it difficult to find the person(s) they are looking for.
As this site is specifically for married, I hoped (hahaha) it would be easier.
As the men pay a fee, I hoped (hahaha) it would flow better and people more committed.
No
(I am sure this is for both parties)
Chat well, they may or may not continue the next day etc
Pwd, they may say, yes interested, no thanks, or .... silence....
Phone number, they may message again, they may not or .... silence....
Talk about meeting they may message again, they may not or .... silence....
Organise 2 of the following, date, time, place - they may message again, they may not or .... silence....
Organise 3 of the above, some turn up, others not (even with a message 20 mind before!!) ... others never hear from them again.

For me, the ones where it is working, (not in open marriages) they are more honest with me, why lie? and if they had open marriages they would not lie to their partners and it is the only lie they tel

7 members like this comment.

LucyLasticReturns - 20 Jan, 2017 - 06:47PM

@stevebe500

A gracious response, thank you.

There is many a tale to be told of nightmare scenarios which unfortunately seem to happen way too often (you have only to read back over many letters and the responses from the members here). Maybe the disappearing without a word is just downright rude & done by those who lack a basic decency.

It's all a bit puzzling, a bit frustrating and for some, more than a bit addictive.....the internet dating scene I mean 😁

3 members like this comment.

911127-Deleted - 20 Jan, 2017 - 06:29PM

...as for people disappearing specifically; this is a really immature thing to do.
At times this is for the benefit of the person being "disappeared on" or so some conveniently lead themselves to believe.

Or more telling is that this is their lack of responsibility and one of their failings as a person.

Too many put on a facade and when they lose interest or did not find what they wanted they stop pretending to be nice people.

You see, when people pretend it's hard to maintain as it's not natural and suddenly it seems to go from hero to zero in a blink.

I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to keep those appearances up; pretending to like their superior as it may benefit them, pretend to like a person because they cannot have sex with someone else, pretending to be happy so people will not know otherwise because inside they are broken.

1 member likes this comment.

stevebe500 - 20 Jan, 2017 - 04:20PM

@LucyLasticReturns

I like your profile name by the way. You describe nightmare scenarios which I don't doubt occur regularly. We can only judge people as best we can. Sometimes we are right sometimes we are wrong; I have made incorrect character judgements in business and I have paid the price in money. No doubt I will make such mistakes again from time to time both in business and personal matters. Perhaps the solution is a more gradual introduction to someone; I had omitted to mention that I had known my ex lover intermittently for a year before we had our first date.

nonsensical - 20 Jan, 2017 - 03:49PM

Strange as it may sound, honesty on this site is more often needed than not. As it is the only real way of getting to connect with a potential future friend or lover.
Naturally things can go wrong, but that is the same for any kind of relationship.
Be clear and honest with your intentions at the start then hopefully things will work out. Remember, however, people who want an illicit affair will be nervous and very cautious at first, so do not expect that the bedroom is the next room after the first meet. So hot and cold is to be expected.
Treat people as you hope to be treated, and hopefully you will meet someone that is comfortable and happy to take the risk and develop the relationship further.
BTW, I am sure you do all the right things to ensure the first date goes well ?

6 members like this comment.

LucyLasticReturns - 20 Jan, 2017 - 02:53PM

@ stevebe500

Methinks you're on the wrong site!
I didn't realise dishonesty had different levels.... anyone who can be dishonest (cheat) within their marriage isn't going to have too many qualms about being dishonest here. You've tell us had a long term affair so you've been used to being dishonest for a long time but you state quite strongly that you would expect honesty from someone on here.... cake & eat it sorry to say..... 🤔🤔
I know not every one is out to get a mention in the Guinness Book of Dishonesty and most of us would hope we're not being spun a load of tosh but the internet way of dating can be a harsh, painful experience.
It would be great if everyone was polite, replied to every message, liked our photos, found us charming & irresistible but the reality is very different and for some, very difficult to accept.
Keep a sense of humour, don't be easily offended and most of all, don't compare your previous non-internet affair to any liaison you might find here, a whole different ball

6 members like this comment.

stevebe500 - 20 Jan, 2017 - 01:56PM

As newcomer here I am disappointed to here of instances of disappearances and other forms of dishonesty.

In my experience the very act of deceiving ones spouse is as much dishonesty as I can handle. My previous long term affair (not arranged through a dating site) lasted so long because we respected each other's need for reliability and honesty. The affaire just wouldn't have been sustainable if we hadn't been able to trust each other.

Likewise, from time to time when I have made advances towards other women, but have been declined, I have received a response rather than a silence.

4 members like this comment.

1113063-Deleted - 20 Jan, 2017 - 01:07PM

Lots of people on here are afraid of having or showing real feelings for their IE, SO blow hot and cold and mess about, feelings one of the best part of an affair(others wise its just a booty call)but as grown ups playing a grown up game we have to deal with those and not let them rock each others boat.I WANT TO ACHE FOR MY MAN, HIS LAUGH , HIS TOUCH, but it wont chance my like and yes it does work , been here twice , loved, hurt,missed and cant wait to do it all again.

5 members like this comment.

974274-Deleted - 20 Jan, 2017 - 12:03PM

The traits that the person exhibits on here , the inconsistencies , the unreliability , the insecurity ? Those are the same traits that drove their other half mad too , which is how they end up on here ! But little do they realise they will drive away people away with their ingrained behaviour .
I see this site as an escape pod , but too many bring their preconceptions with them .

3 members like this comment.

1093171-Deleted - 20 Jan, 2017 - 09:32AM

I think you just have to be ware of the fact that people can blow hot & cold for a multitude of reasons much discussed on here and to not get too deep too quickly.

However just because others behave this way doesn't mean its OK. If we each try to be open & honest as far as we can with what we are feeling (even if its that we want to blow cold) IE life would be far easier.

PS If anyone fancies blowing hot with me please say hello x

2 members like this comment.

Dominant Male - 20 Jan, 2017 - 08:15AM

I've thought before that as a means of challenging poor behaviour it would be good if IE had a system of referencing, whereby you could report simply on how people behaved. Nothing complicated, like ebay, or like uber, whose drivers record how their passengers behave, which helps other drivers decide if they want to pick you up next time- it pays to be nice if there will be consequences otherwise.

That apart, ignore those who act badly - refuse the hurt because they are not worth it, and celebrate the good contacts. It takes time to find gold amongst the dross and mud.

6 members like this comment.

Dominant Male - 20 Jan, 2017 - 08:07AM

All wise and valid responses and the comminality of experience should help. The truth is that very few have the common courtesy to act politely as they might be expected to in normal life. Much of it is no doubt due to the fact that we can all hide behind the anonymity of online, where there isno accountability.

Let's face it, to be on here we have shall we say adjusted our moral compass and that seems to give licence to people to act without any consideration for others. Personally, I may have the morals of an alleycat because I am pursuing adultery - for reasons we all know and understand - but I hope I can still act kindly towards others.

The men and women on here are as bad as each other in this respect. Like others I expect little and am therefore pleasantly surprised when someone has the courtesy to say no thank you generously.

5 members like this comment.

jasmina26 - 19 Jan, 2017 - 11:42PM

Normal rules get skewed on here. In order to not get found out details that would normally get shared in an open relationship are kept secret. Surnames, addresses, family details, work place. It makes disappearing easy. Sometimes disappearing can be for genuine reasons because partners get suspicious, jobs change, kids need something. At the start we all know that an IE'S family/children/real world come first. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that particularly when the illicit relationship is more long standing and expectations have risen.

1 member likes this comment.

DelightfulBelle - 19 Jan, 2017 - 11:01PM

It's called ghosting and be rest assured it can happen to anyone...One day, you're on top of the world, in a bubble of joy and excitement with your lover or potential lover, the next minute, he disappears without a word or seemingly care in the world. Even worse, when they come up with silly little excuses like my wife is ill, (another one?) I feel guilty, I'm cheating on my children, (really) my dog died, only to...reappear on IE, still on the haunt.

I don't think that there is ever a good excuse not to be civil enough to say sorry but...However, it's the nature of the beast and the nature of the fickle world of IE. It's not right but if we can't take the heat, we should stay out of the kitchen.

My advice, don't change your loving nature, don't get bitter, cynical or jaded and please, don't take any of this too seriously. The ghosts are the problems, not you. Dealing with the fickle and the coward will make the right one for you, when you both find each other, even more magical. All the best x

14 members like this comment.

Mrsmiller - 19 Jan, 2017 - 10:55PM

I know how you feel. It is easy to get the romantic idea, but not everyone here are interested in romance. I am a person who are struggling to find someone. Sometimes I think I should give up but I am not a loser. Things takes time to workout. I could be the best lover for someone out there, but I don't want to be just for one night stands. We idealise people and situations. And being a woman is even harder because I believe we want the courtship to happen. So that's my opinion.

5 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 19 Jan, 2017 - 09:56PM

Yes we absolutely do find being treated badly sometimes but other times it can be charming and lovely. Affairs are very different in each and every case

1 member likes this comment.

LucyLasticReturns - 19 Jan, 2017 - 07:47PM

After time, you'll develop your own bullshitometer, I've heard most excuses over the years but have had an 8yr affair and a couple of shorter duration in between so there is hope but you do need to take things slowly and protect your emotions.

7 members like this comment.

Happy sweet girl - 19 Jan, 2017 - 06:29PM

I no I sound awful
But I'm glad I'm not the only one it's happened to
I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me

15 members like this comment.

Happy sweet girl - 19 Jan, 2017 - 06:08PM

My IE keeps flipping from burning hot to Antarctic
Going from texting all day telling me he is falling for me
To humping and dumping
Which is exactly what he did to me last night
Blocked and deleted him now
But feeling very raw and hurt

17 members like this comment.

sofarsogood - 19 Jan, 2017 - 06:07PM

ExO and Dalilah

Sadly I have to agree as well, this has been discussed before, despite all being in the same boat to all intents and purposes, the civility between members is lamentably lacking

so frustrating when you think all is going well and then the trap door - silence is harsh and no harm in a brief explanation

whatever the reason for the trap door, one has to be prepared and thus the cynicism, and this becomes a vicious circle - you become more defensive which then affects your behaviour and so on

you have to go in with an open mind and play your cards as best you can, knowing that the chances of success are limited, stacked against you, but when it clicks all the better

9 members like this comment.

1105661-Deleted - 19 Jan, 2017 - 05:59PM

ExoticOrchid -

It's sad when you have so much love to give but there is no other way in the land of adultery. You just can't afford to get hurt.

7 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 19 Jan, 2017 - 05:43PM

Delilah - 19 Jan, 2017 - 05:26PM
"I learned from it and have been very cynical and realistic since, always assuming each meet or message will be the last."

Totally agree ... I am getting more and more like that ... would prefer not to be so but I need to keep myself sane and unhurt.

9 members like this comment.

1105661-Deleted - 19 Jan, 2017 - 05:26PM

My first IE was absolutely crazy about me one day, saying he was toning down what he said so he didn't scare me off, and the next day he sent me a very vague email before cutting me dead. That cut deep at the time but I learned from it and have been very cynical and realistic since, always assuming each meet or message will be the last. That has been difficult for me as I'm an emotional person but that's the nature of the beast. Incidentally, he emailed me 6 months later to apologise and say that his wife found out and he was in the middle of a divorce. Not sure I believed him and he still could have had the decency to tell me at the time. But adultery does slip below the standards we hold ourselves accountable to in daily life so it stands to reason that we may find ourselves treated in ways we find unacceptable. C'est la vie!

13 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 19 Jan, 2017 - 04:39PM

Yes, not easy BUT it does get easier to cope with ... it has happened to most of us at one time or the other here on IE, myself included. I don't mean those who disappeared after the password exchange but the ones who go AWOL after a period of contact and meets. Sometimes it has happened after a few years!

7 members like this comment.

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