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Letters to Sara

Am I the only one he is WhatsApp’s??

Hello IE’s
I’ve recently started seeing someone from here, met a few times first
meeting for coffee and more recently hotel meets.
We keep in contact using WhatsApp several times a day which is great.
However I have been noticing that he has logged on earlier than when he
texted me and most certainly later when I’ve gone to bed. Is he texting
other women?
I realise he has family, a wife, etc.....but I can’t help wondering if
there is someone else he is also seeing?
My question is am I being unreasonable given it is a married dating site
and if so, how do I deal with it?
I want to be the ONLY woman (apart from his wife) in his life and it’s not
a nice feeling, Help and advice please...

1 member likes this.

Comments (15)

Sara Jane - 28 Mar, 2020 - 12:17AM

Using whatsapp is a broadly used communication app. Sure perhaps he’s texting using the app but why jump to conclusions that he has someone else??
I do feel you are being unreasonable! You’re not married to him and you must remember that. Being possessive is going to ruin the relationship

1 member likes this comment.

Ctyolene - 27 Mar, 2020 - 11:24PM

Bluntly? Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Whatsapp is my go-to messaging service, all my family, my friends, my work colleagues message me there. I'm always on it. I assume the same is true for practically anyone I know.

But more to the point, you can't make him want you to be the only one he sees. And the more needy and clingy you are, the more you obsess about him talking to other women, the more attractive those other women will seem.

As far as I am concerned, the great thing about an IE is that don't have to supply emotional labour, you don't have to remind them when to pay the visa bill, or worse, clean their bathroom. If he has other women in his life who will do that, great. You get the fun stuff.

You're the juicy steak with all the trimmings. You don't need to worry if he's eating spag bol during the week.

Fluffgirl - 27 Mar, 2020 - 02:28PM

Nevermind your concern about whom he is messaging on WhatsApp, it seems your true worry here is whether you’re getting enough from your affair partner or not.

Ask yourself what it is that you want, need, and expect of someone you’re in an affair with. Have you communicated that you’d like exclusivity? If you haven’t, how can you expect it? Also, consider he actually has a life outside of your affair, and his life in general ya far more grandiose than your affair in the scale of life itself. Why do you drive yourself mad looking at his activity? Are you questioning or uncertain about other aspects of your affair? Perhaps look at that more than his messaging activity for the answer to what’s really doing your head in.

Caravaggia - 27 Mar, 2020 - 12:49PM

OK - This is how I use whatsapp. I message my children. I message ex IE lovers with whom I am still really good friends. We have no intention to meet again but we shared special time together and still mean something to each other even though I know I probably will never see any of those 4 guys again. One has a wife with dementia and life is hard for him. He knows I totally get it and when he needs to download he goes onto email but we stay in touch via whatsapp. Another has never slept well and has just got over cancer - I care so I stay in touch often late at night. We are adults. Let me point out that being needy is NOT an attractive quality. He may have a mother, he may have daughters, he may have old friends like me. You may well be the only other woman he is "intimate" with but you really do need to calm down, grow up and chill out. Especially at the moment. You deal with it by not making him the centre of your world. He is a valuable enhancement.

2 members like this comment.

Forbidden Fruit Merchant - 26 Mar, 2020 - 01:08PM

It sounds as though you are seeking some reasurance based on a moral stance, which given you are on IE is a difficult concept for me really. In all probability he is chatting with others on IE, possibly just that...chat, but equally WhatsApp is used for a variety of reasons! I use it in my business life as well as for my extramarital shenanigans so it may be unrelated.

Speaking from a guys perspective, most men who are prepared to use IE or actively seek affairs will almost certainly be keeping their options open until they are sure or are getting regular and hassle free intimacy, even to the extent of being a cheat to more than one woman at a time. Not all men are like that and I'm not nowadays but I was when I first joined.
The world of 'fluffy bunnies' is for eharmony and the like....not always for IE.
Harsh maybe, but I'm just saying!!

1 member likes this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 25 Mar, 2020 - 02:06PM

You are having an affair (admittedly most on pause).
You are not married.
You have NO rights over him.
He has NO rights over you.
(roll eyes)
Yes some are affairly exclusive to each other and stick to it. however one can NEVER assume or expect that.
You have NO rights over him.
He has NO rights over you.
... as others have stated having an affair may not be the right thing for you, you need to think on a very different level.
"Enjoy each time you have together as your last, as one day it will be, and with no prior notice."

5 members like this comment.

RumplesBear - 25 Mar, 2020 - 01:15PM

I mean yikes.

Lots of people use WhatsApp as their go to messaging service.

Go for a safe run, stand in your garden with a cup of tea. Relax, no one likes a bunny boiler.

7 members like this comment.

RebelDomina - 25 Mar, 2020 - 01:14PM

I don't think ppl should be "attacking" you, we are all human beings and having affairs is not always a light choice, it's also a learning curve.
I believe trust is paramount, and if you start feeling doubts, know that it is okay to move on.
Yes, you may are being unreasonable, or maybe he did what he had to do to get you and now doesn't need the feel for such effort anymore. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

In my opinion, alongside with trust is communication.
if you talk about how you feel, what you both need, and if it gets in a better place... perfect
If not ... don't stay on something that doesn't make you happy, the right man will be out there :)

And right now... just stay well and stay safe

6 members like this comment.

The Actress - 25 Mar, 2020 - 11:54AM

You deal with it, by enjoying the time that you share with him.

You have NO right to dictate what he does with the rest of his time, but you can (if you're clever) make sure that he'll want you, and no-one else, simply because you're enough!

On the other hand if you really think he's counting the notches in his bed-post, why would you want him anyway? There are lots of honourable men here--keep looking!

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 25 Mar, 2020 - 08:36AM


If I were him, I'd run for the hills pronto!!!

8 members like this comment.

Sweet proposal - 24 Mar, 2020 - 08:26PM

This right here is the reason why he will leave you! Take it easy. You sound so needy right now. It’s only an affair.

3 members like this comment.

Dreamtime - 24 Mar, 2020 - 05:24PM

Firstly we all have dozens on contacts in WhatsApp so it's distinctly odd for you to think he can't speak to family or friends. Secondly you must do something about your own insecurity if you are stalking and monitoring him. Thirdly he is likely as not to talk to other women. If he has promised fidelity to you, then you can walk away if it doesn't suit you. I'm afraid it does sound as if you are taking this extremely seriously and that way means you will get hurt. This site is much more transitory and is not the place to find a husband or bolster flagging self esteem.

5 members like this comment.

Appreciating_Classic - 24 Mar, 2020 - 05:20PM

I use WhatsApp, but I use it more widely than simply for discreet messages. I have work contacts, friends and family members on there and may often be online chatting to one or other of those too.

Just because he’s online it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s texting another lady. It’s also possible that he has just left the app open in the background on his phone but isn’t actually using it.

If exclusivity matters then maybe you ought to have that conversation with him, but I wouldn’t waste a lot of time and effort worrying over something that may have a perfectly innocent explanation.

3 members like this comment.

ComeDanceWithMe - 24 Mar, 2020 - 12:41PM

Well you never know. I have to say I chat with others and obviously my ie and I aren't actually meeting at the moment.

My profile is clear that I am only looking for chat though.

Al I know is that he hasn't been online for ages but whether he has other chattees idk. The amount of time he spends chatting with me it's unlikely but..

I think you need to think why you would be bothered. My ie is my only and in view of my age likely last lover and we have always looked long term. All I have asked him to avoid being clingy and possessive is that he doesn't take risks and keeps me safe.

And yes, I am relatively certain there is just me.

I think you need to ask yourself why 'fidelity' is so important.

1 member likes this comment.

Teicu - 24 Mar, 2020 - 11:35AM

Jesus woman, get a grip! You are sounding very needy

9 members like this comment.

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