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Letters to Sara

It’s said that affairs ruin marriages...I disagree...

My marriage feels stronger than ever...because I’m having an affair.

So my question is, has this been the case for you also fellow IE’s?

8 members like this.

Comments (25)

Sportster1200L - 18 Mar, 2020 - 06:44AM

Whilst having a discreet affair can act like a safety valve and make a marriage more tolerable, it certainly does not make it stronger. That's delusional. Its certainly unlikely to make it stronger if the affair is discovered that's for sure.

An affair can also be a distraction from facing up to what you should really be doing which is, one the one hand, accepting that it is what it is and doing whats necessary to make it work better, which is not always possible of course, and on the other accepting that it can't be fixed and leaving, which is also not always possible either.

2 members like this comment.

CoffeeFirst - 16 Mar, 2020 - 07:45PM

I know what you mean. Just having those special moments make life in other areas so much easier.

3 members like this comment.

MrDark70 - 15 Mar, 2020 - 06:17PM

The answer to this question is the stage of life you have reached, age of children etc.
There is no right answer for everyone!
In my case I was in a 20 year marriage with a couple of short affairs down, then I got sent overseas for work & after the 1st month moping around the apartment, I realised I was free & then all hell let loose.
By the time my wife arrived a year later it was over, I just couldn’t go back into the box!
But I was lucky, my youngest was 14 yo by then and wife and I were able to keep things amicable, we are still good friends to this day, but after that year alone, there was just no way back.

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theartoftouch - 10 Mar, 2020 - 02:09PM

Agree, if one meets the wrong person whose words are opposite to her/his actions.

Gent414 - 08 Mar, 2020 - 02:07PM

Think it's also worth mentioning there's many different flavours of sex.
Not really my cup of tea but I'm sure there are people meeting on her to enjoy stuff they'd never dream of doing with their husbands or wives.
It meets a need but we all know the risks.

4 members like this comment.

Serialencounter - 27 Feb, 2020 - 04:27PM

If it's secure and hits the spot, it's enough to restore the necessary missing elements of life. With which one can better manage a marriage. But it hasn't fixed the marriage. Those damages will stay there as notches on a post.

Better compromises can be made and a more civil atmosphere can be achieved. Because you are getting some loving, albeit from someone else. But that is the glue and the oil of marriage.

The wrong kind of affair can further undermine one's mental and physical health and make you a more difficult person to live with. This would be wrong for a marriage.

9 members like this comment.

345sarah - 27 Feb, 2020 - 12:44PM

yes, even though I havent found the right person yet, I am much more relaxed with my husband because I'm not longer angry with him for not wanting any sex with me. the mere fact that I'm looking round has made me feel much better and I am certain something will work out too. but will never let husband know.

7 members like this comment.

thirdkind - 27 Feb, 2020 - 12:18AM

It kept me sane being with ladies who wanted to be with me if even only for sensual frolics. My wife to be honest was emotionally abusive, so I just switched off, and had (and hopefully gave) lots of pleasure with a few lovely ladies.

2 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 26 Feb, 2020 - 07:59PM

So you think your marriage would not be ruined if your affair is discovered?

As Joelgray3 says, it is stronger because the other person doesn't know. Will it still be strong if your affair is discovered?

5 members like this comment.

ComeDanceWithMe - 26 Feb, 2020 - 01:40PM

Agree with piripiri.

I am in a five year marriage. For the first four I was practically ignored then he decided he wanted to swing which I didn't. No sooner had I come round to his point of view and taken a very nice guy to be he decided he didn't want it and became over attentive.

No way would I leave my husband but it made me realise I wanted something!g more, which I am now getting, but in secret.

3 members like this comment.

open_alternative - 24 Feb, 2020 - 03:34PM

its possible that we are a biased group in our attitudes to this in that people on here are seeking an affair with another married person , rather than letting another relationship develop in the normal way , which carries a great deal more risk as it is not governed by the same rules.
Very few people here want to risk their marriages but have accepted they are looking for something else and getting that satisfaction for want of a better word I think spills over int your day to day 'real' life

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OnedayinMay - 23 Feb, 2020 - 10:24PM

You know the answer already - yes for some and no for others.

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piripiri - 23 Feb, 2020 - 02:58AM

i would say i stopped expecting too much from my husband . he is the only man i can trust and the only man who would not leave me . he flirts with different women and the intimacy is long gone . Now im getting what im missing for 6 yrs from my bf . Good sex that i never felt before ,, care,, attention and most of all i feel more wanted .

4 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 22 Feb, 2020 - 07:26AM

It can make or break a marriage........sometimes it makes it better temporarily but you have to cope with the lies. Sometimes you can see what you have better and you feel more satisfied that it's enough. All men if they don't have sex in their marriage miss it but have other things that are enough to get them through life.....

1 member likes this comment.

SunshineForever - 21 Feb, 2020 - 05:06PM

It really depends on the why and how, and what sort of relationship you are currently in.
One obvious benefit is they’ll be more sex!
Don’t get caught and don’t get over involved and all will be good x

4 members like this comment.

1343650-Scheduled For Deletion - 21 Feb, 2020 - 01:26PM

It only appears strong because he/she doesn’t know.

9 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 20 Feb, 2020 - 12:04PM

tea_coffee_me. thank you for your insight, i see where you are coming from now., you obviously are very content with your liaisons long may they continue for you.🙂

2 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 20 Feb, 2020 - 09:56AM

Midnightincantation - tea_coffee_me.." what is in it for you.."

Over the years I have meet very interesting people, that never would have entered my social circle. Learnt about other lifestyles, different lives and careers.

I have been able to temporarily step into a world that I would not otherwise be able to do. Eaten in restaurants that I would never be able to.

It takes me from my normal life for a few hours and I am able to be a different part of me that would otherwise never be.

I have met some amazing friends (on the level they can be) and even better when the friendship continues ...

12 members like this comment.

Borderline847 - 20 Feb, 2020 - 02:23AM

I can sympathise. I have often felt more like an agony aunt!! To the point they want to stop treating their wife so badly!!
Never mind treating me badly after 6 years!!!

1 member likes this comment.

Midnightincantation - 20 Feb, 2020 - 12:41AM

tea_coffee_me..reading this I am slightly confused..can you tell me what is in it for you..are you satisfied every time..are you a sex therapist..qoute "he paid and invested"...no offence..just curious 🙂.

3 members like this comment.

Dream-seeker - 19 Feb, 2020 - 05:45PM

Its about empathy.....with those that are seeking to fill a hole (stop it) and with those being deceived. To seek something that makes you a little happier, a little more energised, a little more positive, a little more giving... Without hurting anyone.

2 members like this comment.

Sweet proposal - 19 Feb, 2020 - 03:48PM

I think it depends on so many things. In my own experience, my first affair made my marriage suffer. Mainly because the man was out of this world and I felt so lucky to be with him for the 4 years we were together.
I couldn’t believe there was a man out there like that. I started to see my husband as less than and compared him to my lover on every front- even down to his style and the way he dresses!
I’m sure you know the outcome. I started to look down on my husband. Then suddenly he(husband) had a car crash and that jolted me out of my stupidity. I saw that if I lost him my whole life would change and I may not have been able to continue the affair with my lover.
I stopped seeing my lover and focused on my marriage. Things looked up from then on but the bedroom department was suffering.
I love my husband very very much. I have also matured enough to know that an affair is just what it is— an affair and it can end in a twinkling of an eye.

7 members like this comment.

beerisbetterthanwine - 19 Feb, 2020 - 03:43PM

Well, it rather depends on whether your partner finds out or not!

4 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 19 Feb, 2020 - 02:35PM

Not ALL affairs ruin marriages, however they CAN and it is ONE of the RISKS that is taken.

Yes for many it can give time and space to HEAL a marriage.
I have been fortunate many times to HELP HEAL a marriage, that there is a polite conversation of, I no longer need to see you again.
Great, wonderful, a happy out come!! I am delighted for them when it happens.
As I have undertaken support for many many years I can help see other things... and suggest ways to help heal.
Sometimes the affair just takes pressure off the ONE aspect of ALL the elements of a marriage that are otherwise working.
Sometimes it is a missing piece that is lost, and always will be...
However yet again, pressure and attention can then he paid and invested in strengthening all the other areas ...

Some are nasty and are even worse to their other halves before, during and after and affair.

Everyone is different and all situations different.

10 members like this comment.

9229214 - 19 Feb, 2020 - 12:34PM

Yes i concur. I am happier having something for myself and my marriage certainly benefits from it.

2 members like this comment.

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