020 7729 6098 020 7729 6098
uk flag Used by over 1,365,463 genuine UK users since 2003


Letters to Sara

Realistic expectations

Dear Sara,   
I'm told i'm an attractive looking woman for my age, (54) but I'm overweight and i'll be honest, I'm past my prime. But hey ho, I'm more than happy to know there are some great looking guys out there that go for larger ladies...  I've accepted my body and looks are not the same as they once were and I believe my own expectations to be realistic based on how I see myself and others...  based on whether a guy appeals to me or not, i'm more than happy to see where things go... We all have standards, however,  I am absolutely gob smacked at how many guys seem to look at themselves with those 'rose tinted glasses' and expect more than they can possibly hope for ( and i'm sure this must be true of some women also) . 
SO, I'd just like to say to all those people;  I'm not saying lower your standards, just be more realistic about your expectations...  better still take a good look at yourself...   All of us have aged and changed somewhat since our first sexual experience... 
Don't go looking for a 40 - 50 year old,   and expect them to look like a 25 year old, it doesn't happen!  

22 members like this.

Comments (20)

theartoftouch - 21 Feb, 2020 - 08:07PM

Oh hun, but in my eyes you will always be sweet 17.

Poeticman - 09 Feb, 2020 - 09:01PM

Crickey someone who thinks like me.. I quite agree, the number of profiles I read from ladies 50+ who demand tall, dark and handsome. There's so many (and men too) who need a large dose of reality on here. George Clooney or Miss World are not going to fall from the skies. No wonder most can't find anyone as their expectations are for beyond that of anyone normal.

2 members like this comment.

1360412-Scheduled For Deletion - 03 Feb, 2020 - 02:46PM

That difficult moment... you've been chatting away... there is a certain rapport... but then you see the photos... and they are just not what you desire. And that is the key point. It doesn't' matter how well you get on to hit it off intellectually. IF, ultimately, you are seeking a lover, then you have to be attracted to them physically.
That is a matter of horses for courses.

11 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 03 Feb, 2020 - 01:13PM

takenononsense - 01 Feb, 2020 - 11:36AM
" some of us also create false expectations."

No doubt there are women just as bad and both sexes are guilty of creating false impressions thus raising false expectations.

3 members like this comment.

Gilthoniel - 01 Feb, 2020 - 06:02PM

Some years ago I was on a traditional dating website. Women and men had to grade themselves and without fail men always graded themselves as "very attractive" when they clearly were not and often were verging on (sorry to say it) ugly. Women always graded themselves one grade below what they were (saying they were mediocre when they were very pretty). Looking good (grooming, beauty salons etc) takes a lot of money although I always try to make the best of myself. My philosophy has been that they take me as I am and if they don't like what they see then I would nto wish to meet them in any case.

2 members like this comment.

1344577-Deleted - 01 Feb, 2020 - 11:37AM


The fact you "compromise" to see if there's interest,then there isn't is a horrible thing to do to a woman .How do you think she feels after you've taken advantage to see if there's interest?
And you think it's funny...
No wonder you can't buy a date.
Grow up,start treating women with respect and you might have some luck.

4 members like this comment.

takenononsense - 01 Feb, 2020 - 11:36AM

Some men lie about their looks, but hello, let's be realistic, as many ladies also describe themselves as curvy when they are overweight. Nothing wrong with being overweight, thin or whatever, but some of us also create false expectations.

3 members like this comment.

Joelgray3 - 01 Feb, 2020 - 07:21AM

I have a type but I have compromised (I can't buy a date frankly) and have chosen women of all sorts of body types just to see if there is interest. There isn't ha ha

SunshineForever - 31 Jan, 2020 - 04:34PM

Personally speaking I don’t think men do this. If they don’t find you attractive then it’s just never going to happen. Having a great personality is all well and good but if he doesn’t fancy you...then forget it. Men are more visual and that’s just the way it is. Women are perhaps more forgiving and give the (can I say) less good looking blokes a chance and find some common ground which either may or may not lead to a relationship.

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 31 Jan, 2020 - 04:18PM

"We all have standards, however, I am absolutely gob smacked at how many guys seem to look at themselves with those 'rose tinted glasses' and expect more than they can possibly hope for ( and i'm sure this must be true of some women also) ."

Oh my goodness, so very true, hahaha … I sometimes wonder if my grasp of English [which is my second language] is failing me when I meet them in person and they are nothing like their self-descriptions!

6 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 31 Jan, 2020 - 04:12PM

tea_coffee_me_ - 30 Jan, 2020 - 10:18AM
"I felt the letter was talking more about the ageing aspect that we cannot control. Some have great genes and an easy life, others the gods have not been so kind"

Totally agree.

2 members like this comment.

Dreamtime - 31 Jan, 2020 - 12:33PM

I think we are all entitled to our expectations. Sometimes they will be met, sometimes not. People sometimes undersell or oversell themselves or want what they can't have. Each situation is different and I have no intention of being with a man I don't find attractive. Recently a man contacted me who was about 15 to 20years older than my age range. He said age was just a number, but no, it is more than that. His personality may have been great but I'm here to fancy someone and that's a combination of everything including looks. I don't think we have any obligation to settle for someone we don't fancy. And if we don't appeal to people then perhaps we we do have to look at how attractive we are and either do something about it, or alter our expectations. But please, just because we may be over 40, there's no reason to feel desperate.

4 members like this comment.

Goodkitty - 31 Jan, 2020 - 06:58AM

I know what you mean .Have you noticed they are all executives too. ?

Cat walk models are not on here , that’s another site . Gorgeous . Com I think Jennifer Aniston is on there too .

3 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 30 Jan, 2020 - 10:18AM

I do not think it is about lowering your standards.

Yes anyone who cannot be bothered to wash and be presentable, no excuse.
(I had enough of that whilst I was married!!)

I felt the letter was talking more about the ageing aspect that we cannot control. Some have great genes and an easy life, others the gods have not been so kind.... Yet they are lovely people to spend time with.

8 members like this comment.

Sweet proposal - 30 Jan, 2020 - 05:33AM

I’m not lowering my standards- never. The risk we take being on here is too much to just ‘manage’ anything. I look after myself. I’m 41 and I go to the gym 5 days a week, I book regular grooming appointments, so why should I expect anything less.

It’s funny On here when some people describe the sort of IE partner they want, but when you see them, they do not look anything like what they would want in a lover.

9 members like this comment.

Carrol Boyes - 29 Jan, 2020 - 02:34PM

I’m not lowering my expectations or my standards. Why should I? I’ve looked after myself and I’m clean and presentable. I want the same in a man. Proving difficult on here!!

7 members like this comment.

Cwtchy - 29 Jan, 2020 - 10:49AM

Never mind location, location, location ..it's all about :
Confidence, confidence,confidence .
I am like Marmite , love or hate me .
That's fine because I am fussy and if the male does not suit , move along , ruthless ? maybe but always polite and never disrespectful , which on this site is seen rather too much for my liking from some gentlemen, these days .
One thing I have learnt on here , patience and consistentency , I have, eventually always met 'one ' and it's been a successful and long term affair .
Now here for a second time many years later to a very changed environment, but about to meet 'hopefully ' my second lover . Be yourself and good luck x

6 members like this comment.

Black Gent - 29 Jan, 2020 - 04:10AM

Whatever people may say attraction is a combination of many different things, looks, sex appeal, manners, style, Common interests etc. To say you are past your prime does not make any sense at all, apart from a possible negative self image.

What is realistic is to develop some self-confidence as this place has rude idiots as does real life.

Happy hunting.

5 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 28 Jan, 2020 - 12:25PM

Yes many age better than others.

Some claim to be 45, however have had a terrible paper round and time in the mines!

I know what you mean, I know what I was 30 years ago, and still miss that figure I had.
I would just suggest putting on your hidden photos a full length photo that shows your true figure. That way if you are not what someone is looking for, you can both move on.
Some people hide their true shapes and it can just waste time for all.

I generally have thrown size out of the window, and based it on conversation, and other etc, and have been pleasantly surprised :-)

As with any searches, have patience... it is not easy here, any age or shape!

3 members like this comment.

being_human - 28 Jan, 2020 - 11:54AM

The classic evidence on this is by Christian Rudder of OK Cupid, based on real-world use of the OKC system by both men and women. His blog piece "Your Looks and Your Inbox" (it's no longer current, but you can find it on the Wayback Machine) discusses the way men's and women's rating of potential lovers from photos differ drastically.

To cut to the chase, he says:

"[The] chart shows how men have rated women, on a scale from 0 to 5. The curve is symmetric and surprisingly charitable: a woman is as likely to be considered extremely ugly as extremely beautiful, and the majority of women have been rated about 'medium.' The chart looks normalized, even though it’s just the unfiltered opinions of our male users."

By contrast, the ladies (also based on real-world use of OKC):

"...rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh."

From my experience of a variety of online dating sites over the years, I would say these findings are accurate.

8 members like this comment.

Currently online:
Registered Users: 1,049

Letters to Sara

secure discrete friendly