020 7729 6098 020 7729 6098
uk flag Used by over 1,365,272 genuine UK users since 2003


Letters to Sara

Ghosted? letter of the month


I'd like to know what the views of the others on the site is.
I met someone on here in the summer of 2018 and it was all going well until February this year. We used to communicate a bit everyday and this got less and less- if I didn't say hello to him he wouldn't say anything. He lives in Guildford and I in London. He comes to London for work sometimes and I meet him or spend the night with him when he's in London.

I haven't seen him in a month and he says he doesn't have any meetings in London. I feel like he's trying to ghost me. He's just been less communicative since February and now if I don't say hello to him we can go a couple of days before we chat. I have just decided to wait and watch and this is the 3rd day without hearing from him- he left me on read by the way (read my message and hasn't responded).
I think I'm being ghosted. It's not a lovely feeling, but it sure will be nice to talk about things and finish it off if that's what he'd like. I understand that it's the nature of the game, it won't ever last forever. I'm ready to shut it down, take a little while, move on before coming back here again.
I�' just seeking your opinion- shall I say something? Or should I just stay silent, let it die out and keep it moving? Asking for a friend.

30 members like this.

Comments (134)

1332648-Deleted - 12 Oct, 2019 - 12:25AM

If he's not kind enough to be homest with you and end it if that's what he wants then you should end it. From what you've written it sounds like you're ready to move on so free yourself of the pain he's causing you and find someone who's going to treat you as you want to be treated.

1327571-Deleted - 03 Sep, 2019 - 04:10PM

If you're ready to move on, then take control and end it.

lesley561 - 26 Aug, 2019 - 03:48PM

It's a very unkind way to treat someone, and worse if the relationship has been going for a while. I would have hoped for more from a fellow adult but as people say, you either let it upset you or draw a line under it and move on. I've realised an affair is not the answer to what I was seeking - it was not worth the pain.

3 members like this comment.

FoxyMan - 22 Aug, 2019 - 03:23PM

On the whole being ghosted in not nice, if Lady justs Goodbye, that would be nice, otherwise your just left there wondering what is going on, I guess its the nature of IE,

1311977-Deleted - 22 Aug, 2019 - 10:58AM

If you want to get a woman or man back, write: 'Yeah you probably right. See you' . Then dont message for 2 weeks at least. 80% will come back, then play cool but encourage a bit.

Nodikpiks - 21 Aug, 2019 - 08:56PM

My thought would be to contact him and ask. Otherwise you are stuck waiting. He may legitimately have difficulties either contacting you or meeting up.
Wish you all the best

L.SA. - 14 Aug, 2019 - 01:24AM

I am sorry to hear of your situation, however welcome to real times.

I find the way of ie
You will text 10 people
What’s app or kik 5
Meet 2
And take 1 further.

Nobody likes to be left aside, however I really do feel it is what happens now. Please don’t fret,

1 member likes this comment.

L.SA. - 14 Aug, 2019 - 01:24AM

I am sorry to hear of your situation, however welcome to real times.

I find the way of ie
You will text 10 people
What’s app or kik 5
Meet 2
And take 1 further.

Nobody likes to be left aside, however I really do feel it is what happens now. Please don’t fret,

mickym100 - 06 Aug, 2019 - 01:14PM

I wonder if there is a difference between the genders in terms of communication style? Many people note from their childhoods that girls will chat for hours with their friends - on the phone, face to face and online, boys tend to have shorter conversations with their mates. This doesn't change when we grow up and as adults do women expect and need contact every day and men simply don't - it doesn't mean we don't like, love or respect you - we just have different needs and expectations?

2 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 06 Aug, 2019 - 12:55PM

Mmm - not pleasant but it really is up to you whether you allow it to briefly sting you & draw a line or keep going back to chew at it & prolong the discomfort. I've been where you are & your comment about you always having to say hello else you wouldn't communicate is the key to all this. Your self-worth takes a tiny hit every time you boost his ego by rattling the cage. You know the answer to this - if he does get back in touch, stay strong & ignore. Post-mortems are for dead bodies not defunct relationships.

7 members like this comment.

1324212-Deleted - 06 Aug, 2019 - 02:45AM

Sorry it ended this way, that surely hurts.
I guess it depends on how much mutual respect (and perhaps courage). Best relations are built on mutual understanding that it will go on as long as the interest continues. A discussion at the beginning along these lines might help of both parties have enough integrity. This way, people are less likely to take each other for granted.
It seems that he is not interested anymore and chose easy way out. I would say lick your wounds and move on. What does not kill you give you a clearer vision for the future affairs x

2 members like this comment.

CoKo21 - 02 Aug, 2019 - 09:42PM

Forgive me, this is nothing to do with the letter in question about ghosting but I am having difficulty in posting a new letter. I just have to say that if I read another IE-generated profile I shall go utterly bonkers. It is so lazy, so formulaic and so obviously not someone's own words that the profiles created are utterly meaningless. I am into Queen and not into Boyzone, I love Green Mile but not the Sound of Music - or other such crap. Yet they are used more and more and I am heartily tired of these pointless short-cuts. Am I alone in feeling despair that people (men, they are the only profiles I see) can't be bothered to actually write about themselves, in their own words????

7 members like this comment.

A_J1358 - 24 Jul, 2019 - 06:07PM

it's easy to assume he's made a decision, and he wants to communicate this to you by not communicating with you. Clearly that's not logical. When the communication gets thin it is often either because he's busy communicating with someone else, or his conscience or ability 'to make arrangements' is giving him second thoughts. Either way, he is having difficulty telling you.
We feel annoyed by apparent 'ghosting', as if the other party is deliberately affronting us. Sometimes it is just the easy option
you will have to have it out with him.

Fungirl84 - 21 Jul, 2019 - 11:35PM

To be honest this seems like the standard norm on here! He sounds like he wants to finish with you without being a GROWN UP about it.

Move on.. I can imagine its upsetting.

1320210-Deleted - 20 Jul, 2019 - 03:09PM

if a man likes and wants you then he will actively pursue. some men just want to chat with no intention to meet. honestly stop wasting time and energy thinking about him/it. move on to someone who reciprocates the attention. and if it bothers you so much then personally feel that this isn't for you as you are way too emotionally involved.... for your friend of course.

2 members like this comment.

Still Time - 18 Jul, 2019 - 03:47PM

Surely both parties have lost the will to live by now!

7 members like this comment.

Sweet_connie - 17 Jul, 2019 - 02:45AM

MessieMacker-is that an insult? LMAO

2 members like this comment.

Paul7312 - 16 Jul, 2019 - 10:47PM

Find another one. If he likes you, As a mano che should push every day. Probably he is pushing somewhere else

1320621-Deleted - 16 Jul, 2019 - 09:30AM

I had a two year affair with a man who constantly told me he loved and adored me. He was obsessed with me. I had a crisis and reached out to him for help and he never responded. 8 months later he contacted me and told me he knew of a job I might be interested in - really formal email. I told him what I thought of him and said all I wanted was an apology and explanation ' no response! It still hurts like hell.

1 member likes this comment.

1321098-Deleted - 15 Jul, 2019 - 07:47PM

Hello there. Just ignore him as he is doing to you. Sounds like my ex husband - if I did something or said something he didn’t like, he would just close off. It’s either a control thing or “ he’s just not that into you”anymore. If you’re still on here, perhaps he is too and maybe he’s met someone else. Harsh but possibly true. Plenty more .........

1280367-Deleted - 11 Jul, 2019 - 12:07PM

I have also now have been well and truly Ghosted and it feels really horrible.
This is someone I’ve been having sexual encounters with once a week and chatting to quite a lot for 7 months and we got on with each other really well. We’ve probably had about 40 meet ups! But out of the blue our first over night date we had planned 3 weeks ago got cancelled on the day, not seen him since and then there were just a handful of messages over the next few days after the cancellation and now complete silence. He is not responding to any messages whatsoever which has been over a week. I’ve messaged to end it but even that’s not had a response! It feels wrong knowing how much we shared together and how courteous he usually is that he would let it end like that. I have to admit I’m pretty gob smacked. I doubt it’s cause his OH found out as he would have told me! Luckily an old flame of mine got in contact a few days ago and we’ve decided to go for it again so I have a distraction but I’m still gutted!

4 members like this comment.

1319940-Deleted - 10 Jul, 2019 - 09:30PM

Sweet Connie - can you honestly say you haven't chatted with a man then ignored him without giving an explanation...?

4 members like this comment.

Itcouldbeme - 08 Jul, 2019 - 04:59PM

i would say get a grip really its an affair, why are you even worried about this shut it down, why lower yourself to virtually beg for contact, move on its not like its been forever relationship.

3 members like this comment.

Not just another man - 07 Jul, 2019 - 01:45PM

Sorry to hear about your situation. From where I am standing you need to ask him straight out if he wants to continue the relationship or if it has run its course. The "I havent had any meetings in London " thing sounds like a bit of an excuse. If you want to see someone you find a way even if it is just meet halfway between you for lunch or dinner. We all have things going on in our lives but his lack of response to your messages and apparent unwillingness to find a way to see you when he doesnt have meetings in London implies that he doesnt feel the same way as you do or he just wants someone in the background for when it is convenient for him. If its the forma then he needs to be honest with you if it is the latter then you are better off without him. Guldford is commuter belt so getting into London isn't that much of a challenge.

5 members like this comment.

589389-Deleted - 06 Jul, 2019 - 10:01PM

I was recently ghosted and it wasn't nice. We chatted online every day 24/7 for over a week. Spoke on phone twice a day too. He was so keen. We had arranged to meet and two days before all contact stopped his end. Of course, I messaged him to ask if everything was ok but heard nothing. On the day we were due to meet he had deleted his account and profile. Why people do this is beyond me!

5 members like this comment.

1319375-Deleted - 06 Jul, 2019 - 02:42AM

I’ve a female friend who met a man. He immediately proposed, got engaged, chatted every day. Between 3rd And 6th month he rarely chatted, rarely saw her. She realised they had little in common so disengaged herself. All he said was he was no good at explaining things. I mailed a woman in march last year who said she was single with a daughter. We chatted every day but it took 3 months to meet, an hour for coffee. After 4th month i found she was married with two children, she insisted it was only a matter of time before things progressed. We met four times for a coffee and false promises. one day she said someone had seen us together and i never heard from her again. I think he’s trying to finish with you. You cant make him talk if he doesn't want to, a decent man would tell you what is happening. His wife maybe found out/he’s found someone else. Ask him for an explanation, but dont expect a reply and move on. Things often founder after 6 months sadly. Try someone new and start again if possible.

3 members like this comment.

toecurler2 - 02 Jul, 2019 - 05:55PM

Chaps with no self-esteem and no respect for the ladies cover behind the technology by not replying. There is nothing to be ashamed of by saying that a relationship has gone cold, from either side.

Honesty puts things in perspective and shows respect. Silence is not golden it is for moral cowards

11 members like this comment.

1306317-Deleted - 01 Jul, 2019 - 02:04PM

Sweet Connie - I totally agree with you. The best thing is to move on. It isn't nice being ghosted but would you really want to share yourself with someone so shallow? I know I wouldn't.

4 members like this comment.

bmwman525 - 01 Jul, 2019 - 10:17AM

I am afraid Ghosting is the cowards way out. I was seeing a lady for 2 1/2 years, did a lot for her. even bought a car. She lied where she moved to and ghosted me. Not nice. A message of saying thank you for what I had done and I have not interested anymore. would been more acceptable. The stress I had gave me heart problems. I had a Quadruple by pass 18 months later.

4 members like this comment.

Sweet_connie - 19 Jun, 2019 - 10:06PM

Zara Fox men can be such cowards sometimes....

2 members like this comment.

Sweet_connie - 19 Jun, 2019 - 10:04PM

Zara Fox I met a player too who said he was a ‘gentleman’ HA HOW NAICE I WAS. No longer! What goes around comes around and I believe in Karma....

2 members like this comment.

1313936-Deleted - 18 Jun, 2019 - 08:51AM

The simple fact is that, if you seek an intimate connection, and not a quick shag or a convenient NSA arrangement, you WILL get hurt - its part of the price you pay for the periods of excitement, escape, exploration and connection......it may last a few months or a year or two but not often longer..Life will get in the way eventually and you have to be thick skinned enough to move on

8 members like this comment.

Sweet_connie - 13 Jun, 2019 - 12:21AM

MaxPark you are cold as ice....

5 members like this comment.

ZaraFox - 12 Jun, 2019 - 08:33PM

well it's also termed as a DATING site, therefore i think it's very reasonable for women to expect an element of longevity and continuity, otherwise they would be on Tinder. The term "shag partner" makes me feel nauseous. I cannot be alone in looking for a long term partner who is in it for more than just a seedy hook up in a travel lodge or the odd booty call? Maybe you should speak for yourself, regarding "high expectations"
Maybe some women on here do have high expectations and a modicum of self respect which seems to be lacking in your response.

12 members like this comment.

ZaraFox - 12 Jun, 2019 - 08:19PM

well i'd like to say that i feel your pain. I answered an advertisement for a guy on here who claimed to be looking for one special person. We spoke on the phone, and he seemed lovely. He was in the forces and said he was a gentleman and polite etc. So after 2 weeks chatting, we met up. In a hotel. Maybe my expectations were too high but i could have forgiven the fact that his penis was smaller than my daughter's guinea pigs, if he hadn't been such a liar. This is the guy who prided himself on honesty and said it was the main stay of any relationship.
The next day, he said he felt "guilty" and then reprimanded me for the fact that his "OH" saw a message i sent to him.
I am utterly disillusioned. I trusted him (my own fault i know) but he is a player and he has screwed me over. I'm naive, i know that now. But the sex was mediocre and that's being generous. He's no gentleman and he treated me appallingly, and he's got a tiny penis, so beware any of you ladies who fall for the macho types...

14 members like this comment.

1313979-Deleted - 07 Jun, 2019 - 01:30PM

a ridiculous thread - it takes 96 messages to tell the author he's dumped you, get over it?

7 members like this comment.

harryjennings - 07 Jun, 2019 - 01:11PM

Ghosting is unkind but is a fact of life on a site like IE. Of course men and women can be subjected to the same or be the person no longer messaging. It can be hard to take unless you stay focussed on where we are.
A friend (female) once referred to a different mainstream dating site as a "candy store". It is sad but we have no alternative but to accept it and move on with a shrug.

1 member likes this comment.

politody - 05 Jun, 2019 - 05:49PM

I know this is slightly off topic, but it's of a similar theme .... in my case, after swapping some messages, couple of phone calls, we met up for a coffee and got on really well. We agreed at the end of our first meeting that we wanted to meet again, each as keen as the other. Over next couple of days, we swapped some lovely texts, including debating where/when a next meet would be , then - silence .... not a dicky bird since.
I accept that a person is allowed to change their mind, but I think I deserve some kind of communication if only to say "thanks, but no longer interested" ... am I being unreasonable to expect basic manners ?

7 members like this comment.

1311504-Deleted - 04 Jun, 2019 - 06:41PM

I was just 'ghosted' today. We had arranged to meet for coffee but she was a no-show. I sent her a message and heard nothing back. The comical part is that I mentioned this to another member I'd been chatting with, and was effectively told to get lost, because I had met another woman! You couldn't make this stuff up.

9 members like this comment.

1313936-Deleted - 04 Jun, 2019 - 09:34AM

Life is short and sites like this can be gratingly harsh....
no one with feelings for you would treat you like this - messaging takes literally seconds in 2019.
I would advise that you "live and learn" and find the strength to move on.

6 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 31 May, 2019 - 05:11PM

Ah, no, it's like take-out; once consumed; digest and onto the next meal.

1 member likes this comment.

Dazwood1 - 27 May, 2019 - 05:54PM

Forget him, people who have such bad manners after you have been so close don't deserve another moment of your time. His loss, and as they say "plenty more fish in the sea" or should that be "ie" haha. X

4 members like this comment.

Cariadmaybe - 24 May, 2019 - 06:39PM

Isn't "ghost" just a rather nicer phrase than immature, rude man?!

He's obviously too much of a coward to have a normal conversation and say it's over the adult way!

Personally, I'd block him and move on.

7 members like this comment.

1280367-Deleted - 24 May, 2019 - 05:16PM


Thanks for the advice. I don’t think I am coming across needy! Our thing that we’ve had for 5 months has always involved us chatting freely to each other sometimes many times a day sometimes though not because of homelife. However the not contacting me for 3 days happens every so often and like you say it’s usually due to him being too busy. But it’s become more frequent so I do feel a sense of loss! Hey Hoo that life.
He always contacts me in the end and we see each other once a week without fail.
So after I messaged I decided to not reply to his message and 24 hours later I got a message to say. Is everything Ok? Oh the irony!

1 member likes this comment.

takenononsense - 24 May, 2019 - 04:11PM

@sensual wonder
So she meant asking for a friend as in having a friend? Here?? Aaah, I get it. Well, if it's for advice, she should have said: asking for friendly advice or asking for support. But maybe English is not her first language. Anyway, thanks for the reminder. Your comment could be 'for a friend' too :D just saying.

The Actress - 23 May, 2019 - 09:39AM

It's been SIX weeks now!
Did you ever contact him again, (or he you?)
I suspect that we'd all like to know!

6 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 22 May, 2019 - 10:01PM

@takenononsense, no need to jump into conclusions about the ‘asking for a friend’ thing. I have realised that a lot of people don’t necessarily know how and when to use it. I say this out of experience. She may have used ‘asking for a friend’ in a different context which I now know people use it, albeit wrongly- I.e. she needs some kind of suppport/advice/guidance.
She used it in a different context.

2 members like this comment.

PinkyDinky - 22 May, 2019 - 02:48PM

I get that you really like him, but he is obviously not interested any more, so save face, say nothing, and stop contact. Find someone who genuinely feels the butterflies each time you text, and makes time to message you back, however busy. X

SheDevil - 19 May, 2019 - 11:10PM

Personally if that was me I would be inclined to say something. It’s clear u had a connection with this guy and so there will always be some feelings involved. It’s about respect and so surely if he did respect u then he can just be honest? I would just be frank with him and move on. He sounds v flaky one thing I cannot stand in men on here! It is v annoying as I’ve been ghosted but not by someone I’ve been seeing for a length of time. However I met someone from another site and had a real connection and we met a few times, I always let the guy lead in terms of messaging and contact as I find some like to message more frequent than others and so I follow their lead as I’m easy going that way. Annoyingly this particular guy would message me constantly and then he started to pull back before ending things abruptly. Which to me is massively unfair and a bit of a head f**k.

9 members like this comment.

1311152-Deleted - 19 May, 2019 - 07:54AM

Sounds to me like yet another so called gent who gives us true gentleman a bad rapport . True the sites name says it all but call me old fashioned ladies but honesty and decency to this lady is required if the so called gent reads this

5 members like this comment.

Iwonderif72? - 17 May, 2019 - 08:52AM

In the words of Ariana Grande, time for you to say'Thank you, next!.
Plenty of fish in the sea...............
Why have cheap supermarket canned tuna when you can have bluefin tuna ?
Catch your net again!!!

3 members like this comment.

The Real Magic Mike - 15 May, 2019 - 10:05PM

That’s not nice of him to do that. Maybe he’s feeling guilty or he’s found someone else. Or just a player. Hope you find someone genuine.

takenononsense - 15 May, 2019 - 09:43AM

Now, to the first gentleman who said men say what women want to hear to have a shag - Please, oh my! Try us first. Perhaps a bit honesty in a site like this would go a long way with less hassle and unnecessary courtship. If you go after the kind of woman who likes to be pampered and is looking for romance when you find the whole process a boredom like a long wait in the dentists' reception area, you're either desperate yourself or admit it...you like the chase!

However, my darlings, a one-night stand or two also require a minimum amount of seduction and some charm, that is, being completely honest with her about your intentions. If foreplay and seductive strategies are not your fort, forget sex or wrong the law and join a prison.

6 members like this comment.

takenononsense - 15 May, 2019 - 09:27AM

First things first: I have no idea why this day and age someone writes a big letter with such details and suddenly says in the end- 'asking for a friend.' What? Sorry, OP, you are anonymous here anyway, who cares? This final statement is as old as the hills and as the saying itself. Are we kids here? Are you ashamed you let us know of this incident, even though we have absolutely NO idea who you are?? Strange!!

9 members like this comment.

1305180-Deleted - 15 May, 2019 - 12:14AM

Whatever happened to honesty? I am really at a loss about all this game playing. I never chase a man. If I think we've got a mountain of stuff in common and I was regularly seeing someone and it suddenly ceased without notification then I'd send two messages. Firstly asking if everything was OK.? Then a week later I'd say, I do hope nothing dreadful has happened - you have my contact details, the ball is in your court. And then I'd withdraw and send absolutely no more messages whatsoever. Then I'd get on with my life. Why would I want to be in touch with anyone who was so inconsiderate?

11 members like this comment.

1308497-Deleted - 14 May, 2019 - 05:51PM

He has no manners or thoughts to let you know what's happening/changed. Men can be that way, I've found. Block him and move on. It's what I did. Xx

1 member likes this comment.

1280367-Deleted - 14 May, 2019 - 10:03AM

Would be great to hear what happened in the end?

1 member likes this comment.

1240404-Deleted - 14 May, 2019 - 07:17AM

Regardless of how men are supposedly wired in terms of compartmentalising, it’s the least he can do to tell you what’s going on. I don’t believe he hasn’t got time; it takes seconds to text and say ‘back in a bit’ or whatever. It looks to me that he’s either been discovered by wifey, had an attack of conscience, maybe found someone else or just gone off the boil. Either way, I’m afraid, yes, you’re ghosted. Please try to raise your head high and move on.
Actually this letter was published a month ago, I’d love an update with what the current situation is. All the best

3 members like this comment.

Ixia - 14 May, 2019 - 12:11AM

He obviously hasn't the manners to be honest and is hoping you'll take the hint and make it easy for him. Messaging won't change his decision . Keep your pride definitely don't message him and move on. It's a horrible way to be treated but you'll survive.

3 members like this comment.

1310150-Deleted - 13 May, 2019 - 09:52PM

manners cost nothing

3 members like this comment.

lisaloo1968 - 13 May, 2019 - 08:57PM

I find myself in a similar position, I met someone here who's attractive, witty and engaging. We observed the rules of no contact after a certain time nor at weekends. Our first meet was a drink in a lovely pub where we both felt a strong physical attraction. Two subsequent meets ensued and we connected on every level. Since then his messages have been different and something's definitely "off". I've asked him if he wanted to continue and he said he didn't want to give me up, so I gave him the ideal opportunity to be a grown up and end things if that's what he wanted. He asked me to meet at short notice last week which I was unable to do because of work. Our next date was to have been at the weekend but now "money is tight" in reference to being able to book a hotel. I joined the site to meet someone on a regular basis and not be a more than casual "leg over". My previous experience has been one of excitement and anticipation and this has fallen short by some way. I've resolved therefore to cut my losses

4 members like this comment.

Iwonderif72? - 13 May, 2019 - 07:28PM

Can you update us on what happened?
Did you see him again?
Or just move on?
Whichever- I hope that you are still smiling

Lovetobeamistress - 13 May, 2019 - 04:41PM

Interesting as I'm sure it has happened to us all, I know women don't think like men and become emotionally involved and that's not good it's okay saying next! and move on! But really if you feel that connection it's hard. Defiantly don't message though the unfortunate thing is we have to. Play the waiting game and decide if the waits worth it or keep wondering!? Just have to learn to take it for what it is.... Meaningless

Boshua - 13 May, 2019 - 01:30PM

Look it was good when it started and I think that you have got too involved. He should be doing the seeking you not you. Dump him Now!! He is bored as he feels that he no longer has to chase its being put there for him on a plate. Harsh as it is move on Girl let him go Now. You are to special and beautiful to be on the cuffs of anybody, Thats my advice.

6 members like this comment.

Fungirl84 - 13 May, 2019 - 08:00AM

Adding to what others say... even if he has got stuff going on then its just manners to tell you that not what's going on but to kindly say hes got personal stuff. No one should be treated like that. Its not the name of the game. I know some men commenting would say that

2 members like this comment.

Fungirl84 - 13 May, 2019 - 07:57AM

Its just rude, I've had this over and over feint this page. Guess what they come crawling back months later. I think you should move on. Sounds like your to good for him

2 members like this comment.

SloshPot - 13 May, 2019 - 07:53AM

Yep, ghosted!

I’ve had it done and have done it too...

Bread crumbing is just as bad and now people have situationships!!

In the words of Jay Z...On to the next one....

1 member likes this comment.

1278339-Deleted - 11 May, 2019 - 08:01PM

Look I know it can appear a little old fashioned, but whatever happened to courtesy. It seems no one expects it and very few offer it. Courtesy just makes life so much easier. Honour, honesty, respect, friendship, courage, modesty and self control might add to courtesy to make an IE code so things could be more positive on here rather than those 5 fs on another letter to Sarah.

1 member likes this comment.

1305180-Deleted - 08 May, 2019 - 04:56PM

Dear Skababe. I have this phrase which is this "We all have these "other" lives". We never ever know what is happening in anyone else's world and it could be that s☆it is happening at work, he's on the verge of losing his job, one of the kids has a kidney malfunction, wife has had a worrying result from a cervical smear - quite honestly the list is endless. And quite often our guy does NOT want to talk about why he's been quiet for three days ......

It's a well worn concept but men do seem to have the ability to compartmentalise and yes, we do get put into the box headed fun and recreation for want of a different description and that box is opened when the family responsibility box has been addressed.

Please forgive my directness but you must endeavour not to come over as needy to him. Men detest that. Get in touch with the girls, go out for a drink/meal/ theatre with them so when he says hey, what have you been up to you are able to answer something other than poring over your phone waiting for a t

12 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 08 May, 2019 - 01:02PM

Yes some people, relationships are like that, due to work, their personality, or what is safe to do at home.

As per previous posts. Enjoy what you have with each person and the time that you have together (try to enjoy it as if it is your last). There is no guarantee that you will ever message or meet again. They are affairs, often SECRET affairs.

Most of mine have ended due to their work ending in Manchester, often with no forewarning for them. Some friendships have carried on, and there is a door open for them if they find themselves in Manchester again. It has happened and we have just picked up where we left off and enjoyed that time together. We have behaved as grown ups!

If partners start to become suspicious or find out, your relationship may end abruptly.

Sometimes the relationship is great when both parties are able to make it happen, so you enjoy it, if and when it happens, others are not with keeping the door open for. Only you can decide what works for you, at this time.

4 members like this comment.

1280367-Deleted - 28 Apr, 2019 - 01:07PM

I’m in a similar situation to you.
I met a wonderful man at Christmas. We survived 2 the week school holiday without seeing each other and from Jan we started a full on affair seeing each regularly having a great time. We messaged each other a lot in the which was really special. quite early on he would go for a day or more, without contacting me then sending me with an uninspired message and making an excuse as to why he can’t chat for a while. i’d assume he had lost interest and I was expecting him to finish it. I would quite happily chat away
But each time eventually he’d make contact and be full of enthusiasm again. We are currently going through a sparse contact again and I think it’s been 3 days since he contacted me.
I was getting used to it but now i feel unfulfilled and lonely!
I’ve had worse ghosting situations. I assumed as this is not the first person that it’s me that is not normal. That I expect too much contact, that I am overbearing or other people find regular messaging

1 member likes this comment.

ClassyLady77 - 27 Apr, 2019 - 07:10PM

I would ignore him and find someone else.. I’m sure he’ll be in contact with you soon enough.. it’ll then be up to you if you see him again

9 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 26 Apr, 2019 - 06:59PM

sandy222 - 23 Apr, 2019 - 08:40PM
Secondhand Rose - 25 Apr, 2019 - 09:56AM

Always good to have a Plan B!

7 members like this comment.

Secondhand Rose - 25 Apr, 2019 - 09:56AM

Dear Sandy222

What a great idea!
I'm going to do that next time! (as soon as there IS a next time!)

sandy222 - 23 Apr, 2019 - 08:40PM

As many others have said move on
Which is why i meet first time in a Garden Centre for coffee that way if I get stood up i am in a happy place to look around at beautiful plants and flowers

15 members like this comment.

Something Just Like This - 23 Apr, 2019 - 01:40PM

Totally feel your pain. I met a guy who I thought was perfect for me, we got on so well, but after a few months, stopped texting, only answered if I text him first, he eventually called me and ended it out of the blue, I was so gutted and decided I was not going to do this again. I invested so much emotional feeling into it. At least he had the decency to call me, It would have been awful if he just ghosted me. I decided after a year to try again, but I am making it clear on my profile I am not looking for cold sex like a lot of people are, so hopefully I meet someone who also wants the same as me, a proper affair where we care about each other.
I wish you well, you deserve to find someone who appreciates you and does not use you.

12 members like this comment.

Sensual_One - 23 Apr, 2019 - 01:40AM

Stay silent-you deserve better!!

2 members like this comment.

Summerbelle - 21 Apr, 2019 - 09:26PM

He's just not into you babe.

That works both ways by the way. Women do it to men too. It's endemic across all dating sites not just this one (written by a singleton who has had more than her fair share of ghosts)

2 members like this comment.

1139830-Deleted - 21 Apr, 2019 - 07:56AM

Speaking as a bloke - I think the kind of behaviour you outline is a disgrace . You are clearly too good for this guy who cannot give you The Common decency of a reason for this behaviour or even have the guts to meet and part as friends so there is closure .

I would completely ignore this person , and not bother getting in touch . I know it’s not the perfect ending , I’ve been through similar and it does leave a sour taste - but I’m sure you will find the right person for you , who will show the respect that you clearly deserve.

5 members like this comment.

Hattie 50 - 21 Apr, 2019 - 05:06AM

As human beings we like closure. It’s like being told a great story, that’s left with an unsatisfactory ending. It sounds like it’s over. Take some time and then move on. Appreciate it for what it was.

2 members like this comment.

1305180-Deleted - 16 Apr, 2019 - 04:23PM

Clearly you do not have all the pieces of the jigsaw. Something has happened at his end that has altered the playing field in some way. It could be that one of his children is seriously ill (or perhaps his wife) and he cannot even bring himself to write to you about this. (perhaps guilt?)

What is clear however is this basic principle:- If he wanted to be in touch with you then he would be.

I would ask you to ask yourself this one question about the time you have spent together which is "How does he make you feel"?

If he used to run off afterwards and you felt used and not treasured then you have your answer.

There is a better man for you out there. Oh and returning to basic matters of respect - if he read your message and not replied then he is simply very rude.

5 members like this comment.

blueeyes510 - 16 Apr, 2019 - 04:09PM

I don't know if this helps or not but I just wanted to say that it isn't just in the affair world that this happens. There are comments which say that it's kind of the nature of the beast, but it isn't, it's the nature of humans in a consumerist, quick fix, world. I'm single, but don't want a full on relationship, so I've tried both this site and sites for singles. The behaviours are exactly the same. A lot join to just play around, they get bored, then they move onto the next willing victim. My advice would be to take time to get to know someone and to check that you are both wanting the same things.

13 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 16 Apr, 2019 - 01:51PM

"Say nothing, delete his number, get over him and move on."

I would not advise that or at least keep a record.
SEVERAL men have either stood me up (childcare paid for and wasted), or messed me around, or ghosted ... then contacted me in the future, a different id name, and as I do not remember every face .... keeping the number and see what happened last time has saved me a lot of time and money!

11 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 16 Apr, 2019 - 12:00PM

Oh no...not this again...I feel your pain posted. Sometimes we put our hearts too much into these things when all some of these men want is just that piece of flesh- sorry for my gruesome description of that part of our bodies.

@perrysteel...I just had a look at your profile and I feel for you. You sound nice but do you think she was turned off by the amount of affection you must have shown? I speak out of experience. I didn’t ghost him but I just finished it.
Hold on to your hearts ladies. This is not a site to get on and hand it to any man no matter how sweet they are. Have fun with them and know that it could end right when they give you that one hug after your rendezvous. That’s how I roll- that kiss could be our last- if he comes back...fine...if he doesn’t...fine...I’ll move on.
Big hugs and love to you poster and perrysteel xx

5 members like this comment.

1302781-Deleted - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:57PM

Honestly, the ghosting stuff never gets easier :(

From a man's perspective, I'm working through it at the moment. I keep finding myself picking up my phone and looking a the messages, willing...hoping....that she'll reappear and give enough of a damn to at least tell me what the hell I could have done differently and why she's leaving me at this desolate junction.

But she won't.

Because it was an affair. She had her fun. Took what she wanted , and moved on.

I appreciate my comment is unhelpful and veers into the dark side, but being essentially left behind while someone you invested your time, effort and emotions into just opts to step out for and doesn't come back is damned hard to work through.

I honestly feel your pain :( xx

14 members like this comment.

smooth operator - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:17PM

At times having read most of the replies that Ladies post in response to some questionably slanted letters.

Mr Average might reasonably conclude that many of the Ladies here positively loath men with every cynical thought that they can muster.

Just maybe this contempt for men
feeds into their failed relationships

3 members like this comment.

HughBoone - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:12PM

The tone of the replies suggest this is a male only phenomenon. It is not. The simple fact is one person is a lot more interested than the other. I don't condone ignoring your messages. That is rude and unkind. You should just move on.

6 members like this comment.

RebelDomina - 15 Apr, 2019 - 02:02PM

This is something I hate dealing with.. But one learn with time. Men tend to move faster than women; either a change of heart, a new exciting "friend", a change in life. They just do, and sometimes the don't know how to communicate that with you without perhaps upsetting you.
Truth is, you are upset now. Perhaps you will go cold on the next guy, cautious (i am)
But don't waste time on it, take his reactions as your closure and move on... find someone who gives you what you need, and be happy
Soon this won't matter anymore. X

4 members like this comment.

Timeowt - 15 Apr, 2019 - 11:01AM

Yeah it’s not nice to be with someone and they suddenly go quiet on you like that. Maybe the guilt set in and he decided he wants to stick with his partner rather than risk it, or more likely he’s found another and doesn’t want to break it off in case the other doesn’t work out or he changes his mind. Keeping options open....
I’m sure there are other nice guys around and you’ll find another, he’s gone cold on you, you feel a bit rubbish about it, so it’s not worth it. Find somebody who will treat you nice, I’m sure there must be some other lovely guys around who wouldn’t do that.....hint hint ;)

4 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 15 Apr, 2019 - 08:52AM

Say nothing, delete his number, get over him and move on. You don't deserve to be treated like this, going silent, that's not fair. I'm not sure he's being honest with you,

6 members like this comment.

Secondhand Rose - 14 Apr, 2019 - 01:18PM

Or maybe he's no longer with us?

I was ghosted by a lovely man, after 3 happy years!

It wasn't until weeks later that an old friend asked, solicitously, how I was doing after the shock, that I found out that he'd had a heart attack, and died! (she had seen his obituary in the local paper, and assumed that I knew).

1305136-Deleted - 14 Apr, 2019 - 12:27PM

If a man is interested in you then he WILL make the effort to communicate with you and see you. He'll not be able to help himself. I say block the bugger without any explanation. He's playing you and I suspect you're just one of many.

4 members like this comment.

Chezley - 14 Apr, 2019 - 10:45AM

'asking for a friend' ?

Bizxtra - 14 Apr, 2019 - 08:22AM

NO...he doesn't deserve you.

1 member likes this comment.

Secret_Seduction. - 13 Apr, 2019 - 11:39PM

Pop his balloon. Move on. You deserve better. Just say to him this isn't working for you and why, and that it's best just to draw a line and move on.

2 members like this comment.

Bizxtra - 13 Apr, 2019 - 10:10PM

NO...say nothing, he doesn't deserve you.

1 member likes this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 13 Apr, 2019 - 01:11PM

@candy candy - "It sound like you were his after meeting shag and that all he cared about."

You say that like it's a bad thing...

1 member likes this comment.

Goodkitty - 13 Apr, 2019 - 09:10AM

This letter is worrying me more than most . Maybe the man here could comment ?? I think people don’t respond when they realise they have perhaps made a mistake and don’t want to continue, hoping the problem will go away . A cowards way out but even worse are the weak , transparent excuses. What is particularly unkind here is that you have had a relationship and you deserve answers. Call him today and let us know . 😢

5 members like this comment.

Lilit - 12 Apr, 2019 - 09:57PM

If a man wants a woman he always will find time and a way (unless he is dead or paralyzed)... I personally would not initiate a contact ... BUT if he is a really very good lover and you want to keep him anyway, I probably would, but just would treat it as a purely physical affair(good for health and body) without any soul searching... It is not really for me, but could be useful for some time...

Angel123 - 12 Apr, 2019 - 04:57PM

Women are women and men are men ... you want closure and he’s already moved on.
Don’t waste your time fretting, I’m sure he isn’t

1 member likes this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 12 Apr, 2019 - 04:46PM

People are SO earnest ....

FriendlySteve - 12 Apr, 2019 - 01:24PM

There can be all sorts of reasons and some of them could be impossible to even guess.

I am always surprised at the lack of communication that some people engage in. Why no telephone calls or text messages???

But a direct question is certainly called for. But that is far better as a telephone call where you can hear his reaction. You need to know! Then if necessary you can find another man. There are hundreds on these sites just waiting to meet women. I know just how difficult it is to meet women. I do rather better than my male friends but I can assure that it is VERY difficult for men to find women.

2 members like this comment.

SeekingYou77 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 11:28PM

Sweetie everything good runs out.Accept it and move on...

5 members like this comment.

Tantalising - 11 Apr, 2019 - 10:01PM

Nothing worse than not having closure no matter how long the affair may have gone on (3 years in my case when I was dumped with no warning or further contact

do you really want someone in your life who hasn't the balls to say he is moving on to pastures new

4 members like this comment.

Candy candy - 11 Apr, 2019 - 04:03PM

It sound like you were his after meeting shag and that all he cared about.

1 member likes this comment.

Passionata22 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 01:27PM

Gut feeling is that he is ghosting and I agree that people disappear as they are too cowardly to say its over in a polite way.
You could ask but will probably be fobbed off or ignored.
Or you can distance yourself and realise it is over.
These things do happen all the time and is almost inevitable on such websites.
I wish you all the best.

6 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 11 Apr, 2019 - 08:40AM

If he is still active on here and reading your messages then alarm bells would be ringing for me. Seems to me he might be someone who had his cake and is now moving on to a different bakery.
I would message him and ask what's going on and if there is no reply , brush yourself off, hold your head high and put it down to a bad experience.
All the very best to you.

5 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 11 Apr, 2019 - 12:19AM

Scooby lover.
It seems he has found someone else.or his guilt has factored in. Forget him and move on.

1 member likes this comment.

1295368-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:09PM

Bad manners seems almost compulsory on this site from what I have experienced from women on here, I guess it’s the same from men. If he has lost interest he should be polite enough to tell you.

There is no need to be rude or abusive as suggested by others, just send a message asking if he has lost interest and move on. Distance is a real killer of an affair.

4 members like this comment.

1295368-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:08PM

Bad manners seems almost compulsory on this site from what I have experienced from women on here, I guess it’s the same from men. If he has lost interest he should be polite enough to tell you.

There is no need to be rude or abusive as suggested by others, just send a message asking if he has lost interest and move on. Distance is a real killer of an affair.

4 members like this comment.

Epee - 10 Apr, 2019 - 07:59PM

I would send him a message saying I can understand if he wishes to end our affair, but if this is the case I would have thought he could be mature enough to tell me in a civilised adult way. Thank you anyway for the fun and brief interlude.

3 members like this comment.

pig_benis - 10 Apr, 2019 - 06:33PM

First things first. by messaging him you are giving him your energy and propping up his ego. He maybe a nice guy who feels he does not want to cause any drama by slow fading you. So that is where you stand. There is only one chance and it may or may not work but clearly what you are doing is not working. You cut off your communication with him for 5 weeks - nothing! If he contacts you just say you've been busy. This may make him think abut the good times you shared by jarring him into action because this energy disappears........or he may not contact you all and that says it all. Oh and by the way, it does work for reasons I can't explain.

lisa3232 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 06:19PM

Not all of us are here for just a "Shag".
I think as long as we've been clear what we're looking for, when someone 'ghosts' you its safe to assume they're A something that rhymes with Jeremy Hunt, and likely the reason why the wife's not putting out either. Yes I'm sure we all fall the the sweet talk and that initial infatuation and attention phase disappears fast I guess. But we are who we are and he is what he is. Cut him loose move on.

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 10 Apr, 2019 - 05:26PM

This "ghosting" thing is done by those men, and women, who don't have the cojones and the manners to say it's over ... show him who's the one with the cojones by sending him a final message.

2 members like this comment.

1287061-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 03:03PM

From my own experience your friend is just being dumped.Alot of men don't like confrontation so it's easier for them to just ignore.I had this a few years back after a week I knew I was "ghosted" however I did not persist myself with messages.It stung abit but hey it's life.
Tell your friend to shake it off and move on

coffeetime - 10 Apr, 2019 - 03:02PM

If they're not communicating with you, you're worth more than that..move on and meet someone decent who respects you

Gentlesoul37 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:55PM

Oh gosh some of the comments. The woman was in a relationship “affair” on the side she does have the right to know if it’s over or not! Some men and women should grow a pair of balls and just say.

1240404-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:55PM

You’ve enjoyed an affair since summer 2018. That’s almost a year so quite a long time. I’d say he’s grown tired. Maybe he no longer sees it as exciting, more routine, so has dipped his toe back in the water for that initial buzz of new attention. He’s possibly keeping quiet because he doesn’t like confrontation and because it’s easy to ignore texts etc, giving the excuse of ‘prying eyes’. If I was you, I’d stay quiet myself. Ghost HIM. If he misses you he’ll be back. If he comes back I’d tell him to naff off. Make contact with someone new on here; there are lots of nice men. Have some pride

4 members like this comment.

Gentlesoul37 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:51PM

I hate when people do this. Had it happen to me last year, been chatting a long time two meets one in a hotel then few days later disappeared no reason. Funny thing was 6 months later he’s back on here. I just hope the next person sees through him. Why we can’t be adults and tell people is just wrong.

1 member likes this comment.

Indulgent Escapes - 10 Apr, 2019 - 01:24PM

It sounds as though he's lost interest for whatever reason. If someone's keen, there will be no keeping them away ....

FLEUR16 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:35PM

Ask him

2 members like this comment.

916777-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:00PM


To all the women on IE. This simply is not true. To all the guys on IE. This simply isn't true. I've had three long term affairs in 13 years from here and they fulfilled every single part of me - not just sex. Of course, some people will always want a shag and nothing else and that's absolutely fine, but I hate it when people generalise. I suppose for some it's a bit like looking in the mirror on here. What you see is reflected back at you....

6 members like this comment.

1105479-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:56AM

Oh gosh I was with someone who blew hot and cold without explanation. The hot was intense, the cold was a torment of what have I done self blaming rule thoughts. The best thing I ever did was to move on. MUCH happier without that malarkey.

1 member likes this comment.

Bereweeke - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:47AM

This seems to be a perpetual topic. It gives the impression that, when single , people have had little experience of dating other single people. The situation is normal - nothing to do with having an affair. Happened to me when I was a teenager and beyond! In the days of landline and letter!

"I am in a very unsettled condition, as the oyster said when they poured melted butter all over his back"- Edward Lear

1276157-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:24AM

Yes ask upfront is this the end ,if he has any balls or humanity he should reply and as said by others its a site for sex ,but that doesnt mean its not easy to keep emotions in check ,i love male company as much as i enjoy the sex but most on here dont have the time for much more than a bedroom meet , so you have to take it for what it is mutual sex for both ..

Goodkitty - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:12AM

You have a right to know what is happening rather than hoping . It’s not right to be left dangling. You have a right to contact him . You are equal in this relationship. If it’s over , then you can move on . I think if you find it’s not over , you will be relieved. But he shouldn’t just avoid .

7 members like this comment.

Scoobylover - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:05AM

I'm abit in the same boat as you. Met a guy on here early January, he travels to work nearly every week to my area, he lives around 120 miles away from me. Spoke to him every single day, and met him for dinner, dates, stay overs etc, in total we,ve seen each other around 20 times. In March we was both away for the weekend with our own families so we had no contact with each other for 3 days and since then our affair has suffered, we both work hard but always used to make time for each other but that's now changed and I've kind of lost that spark and connection with him. I've been trying to feel it again but yesterday I thought you know what it's not happening, so I asked him what he thinks about the affair and where is it going and not heard anything from him since. I'd rather have an amicable end to the affair than feel like I'm being ignored by him.

11 members like this comment.

1118221-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:02AM

I can't believe you are being so passive! You are a human being not a puppet and deserve to be treated well. Ask him exactly where your relationship stands. If he doesn't reply. drop him.

11 members like this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:00AM

If your friend needs advice about this, asking a bunch of strangers online seems to me to be the last place I'd look for advice.

Me? I'd send the person a borderline abusive comment and if that doesn't get a response, they can f**k off. If they care, they'll be hurt enough to reply.

I'd bet 20p and a Mars Bar though that no reply is forthcoming - they're just not into it any more.

5 members like this comment.

1302964-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:39AM

I think we all like to think we're mature enough and strong enough to withstand whatever an illici relationship/affair might throw at us. But it doesn't make it any easier or less painful when it draws to a close - if that's what's happening here.
But I don't think that staying silent is particularly useful. You can at least maintain some measure of control, by sending him a message and ask him directly just what you're asking us in your letter.
If you get the answer you're expecting but not hoping for, you can at least deal with it and move on.
And if there's a genuine reason for his distance, no harm done.
Good luck!

3 members like this comment.

1298341-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:38AM

I've had a similar experience myself on IE. Yes, relationships do fizzle out! I think you need to take charge in this situation. You need to be clear, polite, and assertive. You need to ask your guy where you currentlty stand in your affair. Insist on clarification! Given the content of your letter it seems clear that your guy has lost some interest - this may be for family, work or health reasons. It is equally clear that you're an unhappy princess. If you don't receive the answer you're looking for, then move on! There are plenty of nice guys on IE who would love your company! Remember, the whole purpose on IE is to find fun, happiness, and fulfilment - so go out and enjoy yourself!

1 member likes this comment.

Teicu - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:33AM

I never understand the term ‘ghosted’ surely this is just being dumped. He’s found someone else, is not interested or is just keeping you hanging on because he is checking out other offers. Move on love, plenty more fish in the sea

4 members like this comment.

earthbound free spirit - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:30AM

It seems some people feel that it is acceptable simply to ignore the rules of good manners - perhaps because they are unsure how to express that their feelings and wants may have changed. In some way, the anonymity of the Internet makes this easier, I feel, because even if we behave badly, we do not have to face the consequences of how we might cause distress to another person. But perhaps it is more than that. Maybe it is a generational thing and that people who have not been brought up to respect and value others, have no sense that to avoid hard conversations in this way can cause hurt. Maybe they get ghosted themselves and it is all they have come to expect. To answer your question, I would be inclined to raise the issue and just ask 'Your change in behaviour makes me wonder are you wanting to find a way out of this ?' It is a hard enough field to play on, without careless people making it harder.

5 members like this comment.

1274565-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:33AM

I fed up to read all the moans regarding non-reply or high expectations. Let me tell you about men. They are different to women while women get all emotionally wrapped up they just want to get a shag (fair enough - I do the same). They will tell you what you want to hear in order to get a shag (fair enough). This site is for SEX. The men are married and therefore only available (if at all) for SEX. In addition some people are not very good in communication. The men here are not your husband, nor friend. They are a shag partner when it lasts. Enjoy the moment and move on to the next.

12 members like this comment.

Currently online:
Registered Users: 895

Letters to Sara

secure discrete friendly