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Letters to Sara

Ghosted?

Hi

I'd like to know what the views of the others on the site is.
I met someone on here in the summer of 2018 and it was all going well until February this year. We used to communicate a bit everyday and this got less and less- if I didn't say hello to him he wouldn't say anything. He lives in Guildford and I in London. He comes to London for work sometimes and I meet him or spend the night with him when he's in London.

I haven't seen him in a month and he says he doesn't have any meetings in London. I feel like he's trying to ghost me. He's just been less communicative since February and now if I don't say hello to him we can go a couple of days before we chat. I have just decided to wait and watch and this is the 3rd day without hearing from him- he left me on read by the way (read my message and hasn't responded).
I think I'm being ghosted. It's not a lovely feeling, but it sure will be nice to talk about things and finish it off if that's what he'd like. I understand that it's the nature of the game, it won't ever last forever. I'm ready to shut it down, take a little while, move on before coming back here again.
I�' just seeking your opinion- shall I say something? Or should I just stay silent, let it die out and keep it moving? Asking for a friend.

10 members like this.

Comments (54)

sephira_alithea - 16 Apr, 2019 - 04:23PM

Clearly you do not have all the pieces of the jigsaw. Something has happened at his end that has altered the playing field in some way. It could be that one of his children is seriously ill (or perhaps his wife) and he cannot even bring himself to write to you about this. (perhaps guilt?)

What is clear however is this basic principle:- If he wanted to be in touch with you then he would be.

I would ask you to ask yourself this one question about the time you have spent together which is "How does he make you feel"?

If he used to run off afterwards and you felt used and not treasured then you have your answer.

There is a better man for you out there. Oh and returning to basic matters of respect - if he read your message and not replied then he is simply very rude.

4 members like this comment.

blueeyes510 - 16 Apr, 2019 - 04:09PM

I don't know if this helps or not but I just wanted to say that it isn't just in the affair world that this happens. There are comments which say that it's kind of the nature of the beast, but it isn't, it's the nature of humans in a consumerist, quick fix, world. I'm single, but don't want a full on relationship, so I've tried both this site and sites for singles. The behaviours are exactly the same. A lot join to just play around, they get bored, then they move onto the next willing victim. My advice would be to take time to get to know someone and to check that you are both wanting the same things.

8 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 16 Apr, 2019 - 01:51PM

"Say nothing, delete his number, get over him and move on."

I would not advise that or at least keep a record.
SEVERAL men have either stood me up (childcare paid for and wasted), or messed me around, or ghosted ... then contacted me in the future, a different id name, and as I do not remember every face .... keeping the number and see what happened last time has saved me a lot of time and money!

9 members like this comment.

Sensual wonder - 16 Apr, 2019 - 12:00PM

Oh no...not this again...I feel your pain posted. Sometimes we put our hearts too much into these things when all some of these men want is just that piece of flesh- sorry for my gruesome description of that part of our bodies.

@perrysteel...I just had a look at your profile and I feel for you. You sound nice but do you think she was turned off by the amount of affection you must have shown? I speak out of experience. I didn’t ghost him but I just finished it.
Hold on to your hearts ladies. This is not a site to get on and hand it to any man no matter how sweet they are. Have fun with them and know that it could end right when they give you that one hug after your rendezvous. That’s how I roll- that kiss could be our last- if he comes back...fine...if he doesn’t...fine...I’ll move on.
Big hugs and love to you poster and perrysteel xx

2 members like this comment.

PerrySteel - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:57PM

Honestly, the ghosting stuff never gets easier :(

From a man's perspective, I'm working through it at the moment. I keep finding myself picking up my phone and looking a the messages, willing...hoping....that she'll reappear and give enough of a damn to at least tell me what the hell I could have done differently and why she's leaving me at this desolate junction.

But she won't.

Because it was an affair. She had her fun. Took what she wanted , and moved on.

I appreciate my comment is unhelpful and veers into the dark side, but being essentially left behind while someone you invested your time, effort and emotions into just opts to step out for and doesn't come back is damned hard to work through.

I honestly feel your pain :( xx

6 members like this comment.

smooth operator - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:17PM

At times having read most of the replies that Ladies post in response to some questionably slanted letters.

Mr Average might reasonably conclude that many of the Ladies here positively loath men with every cynical thought that they can muster.

Just maybe this contempt for men
feeds into their failed relationships

2 members like this comment.

HughBoone - 15 Apr, 2019 - 03:12PM

The tone of the replies suggest this is a male only phenomenon. It is not. The simple fact is one person is a lot more interested than the other. I don't condone ignoring your messages. That is rude and unkind. You should just move on.

4 members like this comment.

RebelDomina - 15 Apr, 2019 - 02:02PM

This is something I hate dealing with.. But one learn with time. Men tend to move faster than women; either a change of heart, a new exciting "friend", a change in life. They just do, and sometimes the don't know how to communicate that with you without perhaps upsetting you.
Truth is, you are upset now. Perhaps you will go cold on the next guy, cautious (i am)
But don't waste time on it, take his reactions as your closure and move on... find someone who gives you what you need, and be happy
Soon this won't matter anymore. X

4 members like this comment.

Timeowt - 15 Apr, 2019 - 11:01AM

Yeah it’s not nice to be with someone and they suddenly go quiet on you like that. Maybe the guilt set in and he decided he wants to stick with his partner rather than risk it, or more likely he’s found another and doesn’t want to break it off in case the other doesn’t work out or he changes his mind. Keeping options open....
I’m sure there are other nice guys around and you’ll find another, he’s gone cold on you, you feel a bit rubbish about it, so it’s not worth it. Find somebody who will treat you nice, I’m sure there must be some other lovely guys around who wouldn’t do that.....hint hint ;)

4 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 15 Apr, 2019 - 08:52AM

Say nothing, delete his number, get over him and move on. You don't deserve to be treated like this, going silent, that's not fair. I'm not sure he's being honest with you,

5 members like this comment.

Secondhand Rose - 14 Apr, 2019 - 01:18PM

Or maybe he's no longer with us?

I was ghosted by a lovely man, after 3 happy years!

It wasn't until weeks later that an old friend asked, solicitously, how I was doing after the shock, that I found out that he'd had a heart attack, and died! (she had seen his obituary in the local paper, and assumed that I knew).

LeggyMadam - 14 Apr, 2019 - 12:27PM

If a man is interested in you then he WILL make the effort to communicate with you and see you. He'll not be able to help himself. I say block the bugger without any explanation. He's playing you and I suspect you're just one of many.

2 members like this comment.

Chezley - 14 Apr, 2019 - 10:45AM

'asking for a friend' ?

Bizxtra - 14 Apr, 2019 - 08:22AM

NO...he doesn't deserve you.

1 member likes this comment.

Sourire Complice - 13 Apr, 2019 - 11:39PM

Pop his balloon. Move on. You deserve better. Just say to him this isn't working for you and why, and that it's best just to draw a line and move on.

2 members like this comment.

Bizxtra - 13 Apr, 2019 - 10:10PM

NO...say nothing, he doesn't deserve you.

1 member likes this comment.

Pintobeans - 13 Apr, 2019 - 01:11PM

@candy candy - "It sound like you were his after meeting shag and that all he cared about."

You say that like it's a bad thing...

1 member likes this comment.

Goodkitty - 13 Apr, 2019 - 09:10AM

This letter is worrying me more than most . Maybe the man here could comment ?? I think people don’t respond when they realise they have perhaps made a mistake and don’t want to continue, hoping the problem will go away . A cowards way out but even worse are the weak , transparent excuses. What is particularly unkind here is that you have had a relationship and you deserve answers. Call him today and let us know . 😢

3 members like this comment.

Lilit - 12 Apr, 2019 - 09:57PM

If a man wants a woman he always will find time and a way (unless he is dead or paralyzed)... I personally would not initiate a contact ... BUT if he is a really very good lover and you want to keep him anyway, I probably would, but just would treat it as a purely physical affair(good for health and body) without any soul searching... It is not really for me, but could be useful for some time...

Angel123 - 12 Apr, 2019 - 04:57PM

Women are women and men are men ... you want closure and he’s already moved on.
Don’t waste your time fretting, I’m sure he isn’t

1 member likes this comment.

Pintobeans - 12 Apr, 2019 - 04:46PM

People are SO earnest ....

FriendlySteve - 12 Apr, 2019 - 01:24PM

There can be all sorts of reasons and some of them could be impossible to even guess.




I am always surprised at the lack of communication that some people engage in. Why no telephone calls or text messages???




But a direct question is certainly called for. But that is far better as a telephone call where you can hear his reaction. You need to know! Then if necessary you can find another man. There are hundreds on these sites just waiting to meet women. I know just how difficult it is to meet women. I do rather better than my male friends but I can assure that it is VERY difficult for men to find women.

2 members like this comment.

SeekingYou77 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 11:28PM

Sweetie everything good runs out.Accept it and move on...

4 members like this comment.

Tantalising - 11 Apr, 2019 - 10:01PM

Nothing worse than not having closure no matter how long the affair may have gone on (3 years in my case when I was dumped with no warning or further contact

do you really want someone in your life who hasn't the balls to say he is moving on to pastures new

4 members like this comment.

Candy candy - 11 Apr, 2019 - 04:03PM

It sound like you were his after meeting shag and that all he cared about.

1 member likes this comment.

Passionata22 - 11 Apr, 2019 - 01:27PM

Gut feeling is that he is ghosting and I agree that people disappear as they are too cowardly to say its over in a polite way.
You could ask but will probably be fobbed off or ignored.
Or you can distance yourself and realise it is over.
These things do happen all the time and is almost inevitable on such websites.
I wish you all the best.

5 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 11 Apr, 2019 - 08:40AM

If he is still active on here and reading your messages then alarm bells would be ringing for me. Seems to me he might be someone who had his cake and is now moving on to a different bakery.
I would message him and ask what's going on and if there is no reply , brush yourself off, hold your head high and put it down to a bad experience.
All the very best to you.

5 members like this comment.

Midnightincantation - 11 Apr, 2019 - 12:19AM

Scooby lover.
It seems he has found someone else.or his guilt has factored in. Forget him and move on.

1 member likes this comment.

1295368-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:09PM

Bad manners seems almost compulsory on this site from what I have experienced from women on here, I guess it’s the same from men. If he has lost interest he should be polite enough to tell you.

There is no need to be rude or abusive as suggested by others, just send a message asking if he has lost interest and move on. Distance is a real killer of an affair.

4 members like this comment.

1295368-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:08PM

Bad manners seems almost compulsory on this site from what I have experienced from women on here, I guess it’s the same from men. If he has lost interest he should be polite enough to tell you.

There is no need to be rude or abusive as suggested by others, just send a message asking if he has lost interest and move on. Distance is a real killer of an affair.

3 members like this comment.

Epee - 10 Apr, 2019 - 07:59PM

I would send him a message saying I can understand if he wishes to end our affair, but if this is the case I would have thought he could be mature enough to tell me in a civilised adult way. Thank you anyway for the fun and brief interlude.

3 members like this comment.

pig_benis - 10 Apr, 2019 - 06:33PM

First things first. by messaging him you are giving him your energy and propping up his ego. He maybe a nice guy who feels he does not want to cause any drama by slow fading you. So that is where you stand. There is only one chance and it may or may not work but clearly what you are doing is not working. You cut off your communication with him for 5 weeks - nothing! If he contacts you just say you've been busy. This may make him think abut the good times you shared by jarring him into action because this energy disappears........or he may not contact you all and that says it all. Oh and by the way, it does work for reasons I can't explain.

lisa3232 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 06:19PM

Not all of us are here for just a "Shag".
I think as long as we've been clear what we're looking for, when someone 'ghosts' you its safe to assume they're A something that rhymes with Jeremy Hunt, and likely the reason why the wife's not putting out either. Yes I'm sure we all fall the the sweet talk and that initial infatuation and attention phase disappears fast I guess. But we are who we are and he is what he is. Cut him loose move on.

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 10 Apr, 2019 - 05:26PM

This "ghosting" thing is done by those men, and women, who don't have the cojones and the manners to say it's over ... show him who's the one with the cojones by sending him a final message.

2 members like this comment.

1287061-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2019 - 03:03PM

From my own experience your friend is just being dumped.Alot of men don't like confrontation so it's easier for them to just ignore.I had this a few years back after a week I knew I was "ghosted" however I did not persist myself with messages.It stung abit but hey it's life.
Tell your friend to shake it off and move on

coffeetime - 10 Apr, 2019 - 03:02PM

If they're not communicating with you, you're worth more than that..move on and meet someone decent who respects you

Gentlesoul37 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:55PM

Oh gosh some of the comments. The woman was in a relationship “affair” on the side she does have the right to know if it’s over or not! Some men and women should grow a pair of balls and just say.

Smiley-Morticia - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:55PM

You’ve enjoyed an affair since summer 2018. That’s almost a year so quite a long time. I’d say he’s grown tired. Maybe he no longer sees it as exciting, more routine, so has dipped his toe back in the water for that initial buzz of new attention. He’s possibly keeping quiet because he doesn’t like confrontation and because it’s easy to ignore texts etc, giving the excuse of ‘prying eyes’. If I was you, I’d stay quiet myself. Ghost HIM. If he misses you he’ll be back. If he comes back I’d tell him to naff off. Make contact with someone new on here; there are lots of nice men. Have some pride

4 members like this comment.

Gentlesoul37 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 02:51PM

I hate when people do this. Had it happen to me last year, been chatting a long time two meets one in a hotel then few days later disappeared no reason. Funny thing was 6 months later he’s back on here. I just hope the next person sees through him. Why we can’t be adults and tell people is just wrong.

1 member likes this comment.

Indulgent Escapes - 10 Apr, 2019 - 01:24PM

It sounds as though he's lost interest for whatever reason. If someone's keen, there will be no keeping them away ....

FLEUR16 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:35PM

Ask him

2 members like this comment.

Vive la Difference! - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:00PM

@Seductiveyes

To all the women on IE. This simply is not true. To all the guys on IE. This simply isn't true. I've had three long term affairs in 13 years from here and they fulfilled every single part of me - not just sex. Of course, some people will always want a shag and nothing else and that's absolutely fine, but I hate it when people generalise. I suppose for some it's a bit like looking in the mirror on here. What you see is reflected back at you....

4 members like this comment.

Kubixia - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:56AM

Oh gosh I was with someone who blew hot and cold without explanation. The hot was intense, the cold was a torment of what have I done self blaming rule thoughts. The best thing I ever did was to move on. MUCH happier without that malarkey.

1 member likes this comment.

Bereweeke - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:47AM

This seems to be a perpetual topic. It gives the impression that, when single , people have had little experience of dating other single people. The situation is normal - nothing to do with having an affair. Happened to me when I was a teenager and beyond! In the days of landline and letter!

"I am in a very unsettled condition, as the oyster said when they poured melted butter all over his back"- Edward Lear

Bill64 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 11:24AM

Yes ask upfront is this the end ,if he has any balls or humanity he should reply and as said by others its a site for sex ,but that doesnt mean its not easy to keep emotions in check ,i love male company as much as i enjoy the sex but most on here dont have the time for much more than a bedroom meet , so you have to take it for what it is mutual sex for both ..

Goodkitty - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:12AM

You have a right to know what is happening rather than hoping . It’s not right to be left dangling. You have a right to contact him . You are equal in this relationship. If it’s over , then you can move on . I think if you find it’s not over , you will be relieved. But he shouldn’t just avoid .

7 members like this comment.

Scoobylover - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:05AM

I'm abit in the same boat as you. Met a guy on here early January, he travels to work nearly every week to my area, he lives around 120 miles away from me. Spoke to him every single day, and met him for dinner, dates, stay overs etc, in total we,ve seen each other around 20 times. In March we was both away for the weekend with our own families so we had no contact with each other for 3 days and since then our affair has suffered, we both work hard but always used to make time for each other but that's now changed and I've kind of lost that spark and connection with him. I've been trying to feel it again but yesterday I thought you know what it's not happening, so I asked him what he thinks about the affair and where is it going and not heard anything from him since. I'd rather have an amicable end to the affair than feel like I'm being ignored by him.

11 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:02AM

I can't believe you are being so passive! You are a human being not a puppet and deserve to be treated well. Ask him exactly where your relationship stands. If he doesn't reply. drop him.

10 members like this comment.

Pintobeans - 10 Apr, 2019 - 09:00AM

If your friend needs advice about this, asking a bunch of strangers online seems to me to be the last place I'd look for advice.

Me? I'd send the person a borderline abusive comment and if that doesn't get a response, they can f**k off. If they care, they'll be hurt enough to reply.

I'd bet 20p and a Mars Bar though that no reply is forthcoming - they're just not into it any more.

5 members like this comment.

Fitbit59 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:39AM

I think we all like to think we're mature enough and strong enough to withstand whatever an illici relationship/affair might throw at us. But it doesn't make it any easier or less painful when it draws to a close - if that's what's happening here.
But I don't think that staying silent is particularly useful. You can at least maintain some measure of control, by sending him a message and ask him directly just what you're asking us in your letter.
If you get the answer you're expecting but not hoping for, you can at least deal with it and move on.
And if there's a genuine reason for his distance, no harm done.
Good luck!

3 members like this comment.

Brennan62 - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:38AM

I've had a similar experience myself on IE. Yes, relationships do fizzle out! I think you need to take charge in this situation. You need to be clear, polite, and assertive. You need to ask your guy where you currentlty stand in your affair. Insist on clarification! Given the content of your letter it seems clear that your guy has lost some interest - this may be for family, work or health reasons. It is equally clear that you're an unhappy princess. If you don't receive the answer you're looking for, then move on! There are plenty of nice guys on IE who would love your company! Remember, the whole purpose on IE is to find fun, happiness, and fulfilment - so go out and enjoy yourself!

1 member likes this comment.

Teicu - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:33AM

I never understand the term ‘ghosted’ surely this is just being dumped. He’s found someone else, is not interested or is just keeping you hanging on because he is checking out other offers. Move on love, plenty more fish in the sea

4 members like this comment.

earthbound free spirit - 10 Apr, 2019 - 08:30AM

It seems some people feel that it is acceptable simply to ignore the rules of good manners - perhaps because they are unsure how to express that their feelings and wants may have changed. In some way, the anonymity of the Internet makes this easier, I feel, because even if we behave badly, we do not have to face the consequences of how we might cause distress to another person. But perhaps it is more than that. Maybe it is a generational thing and that people who have not been brought up to respect and value others, have no sense that to avoid hard conversations in this way can cause hurt. Maybe they get ghosted themselves and it is all they have come to expect. To answer your question, I would be inclined to raise the issue and just ask 'Your change in behaviour makes me wonder are you wanting to find a way out of this ?' It is a hard enough field to play on, without careless people making it harder.

5 members like this comment.

Seductiveyes - 10 Apr, 2019 - 12:33AM

I fed up to read all the moans regarding non-reply or high expectations. Let me tell you about men. They are different to women while women get all emotionally wrapped up they just want to get a shag (fair enough - I do the same). They will tell you what you want to hear in order to get a shag (fair enough). This site is for SEX. The men are married and therefore only available (if at all) for SEX. In addition some people are not very good in communication. The men here are not your husband, nor friend. They are a shag partner when it lasts. Enjoy the moment and move on to the next.

10 members like this comment.

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