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Letters to Sara

Fantasists?

Dear Sara,
I am wondering if others are experiencing the same here in IE? I have
noticed that recently there have been a number of men I have spoken to who
sound great on paper, pretty indepth profiles, the usual (not getting the
attention or tenderness at home) story and looking for someone to share
some lovely moments with. We get passed the photo exchange with many saying
they fancied me, think I am lovely etc and I would say the same to. I am
honest and wouldn't waste anyone's time if I didn't. Being here is such a
huge risk for me so it has to feel right (you know what I mean).
We would either chat here or on another messaging platform. A few flirty
messages here and there then boom - tumbleweeds!!! Sometimes I get the odd
"Oh, I am so busy etc" after a while (this can range between 24 hours and a
week) or nothing at all.
This keeps happening and I feel less and less enthusiastic about this (no
judgement please) and disheartened by this. I am on here as I have no sex
and none of the things that go with the intimacy. It is making wonder if
the site is now inhabited by fantasists who don't mind sharing photos, get
a kick out of being fancied but not really interested in anything else? My
question is why go to all that trouble?
I am sure the guys face this as well. Thank you for reading and responses.

60 members like this.

Comments (42)

Joyoflove - 31 Oct, 2019 - 08:18AM

Yes... I am a guy, and get this a lot, very frustrating and unnecessary, I do wonder what this site is sometimes, I noticed that there are less on here than 3 years ago, at least back then it seemed possible to meet up with someone, now it's just chat, exchange photos, more chat, mention a meet up or coffee, then.....nothing. I think I'm wasting my time here....

Costa121 - 16 Aug, 2019 - 09:07PM

Sadly I have the same experience with ladies who are upbeat and then vanish or block with no explanation

1 member likes this comment.

Fungirl84 - 21 Jul, 2019 - 11:38PM

I have been getting this myself! Do you know how many dead aunties there have been?! Its amazing really!
I.put it down to fantasies. Your right they get a kick out of the messaging etc but reality is they dont want to!

3 members like this comment.

1319135-Deleted - 07 Jul, 2019 - 09:34PM

Naughty in NW is correct. That just makes you sound rather hypocritical, Time.is.right.

Naughty in NW - 29 Mar, 2019 - 09:38PM

Time. is.right

You have 'dipped in and out of this site over several years, funny how the same female profiles are still active'.

Who are you to pass judgement? By your own admission, you have been regularly active on here as well! Nothing wrong with that of course, but to insinuate that there is something untoward if females are active on here for a long time is simply hypocritical. After all, you must have entered the same search criteria again to repeatedly come across the same profiles!. Errrr........pot, kettle.........black! Live and let live, or you should not be on here in the first place!

9 members like this comment.

Time.is.right - 28 Mar, 2019 - 01:23PM

I've dipped in and out of this site over several years, funny how the same female profiles are still active.

1 member likes this comment.

1276157-Deleted - 18 Mar, 2019 - 02:05PM

Ive been lucky enough to chat and meet 2 nice guys who neither sent or asked for intimate pics of each other ,been so refreshing ! but took a very long time and chats with pervs ,over confident gits etc ,etc .so fingers crossed my search on here is over for the time being ,glad i stuck it out as i nearly gave up on here as was so disheartened ....

7 members like this comment.

theartoftouch - 10 Mar, 2019 - 04:01PM

Maybe read better between the lines. Minefield is a good assessment & question when one wants to spent the time & such. Less enthusiasm I can understand but maybe there is something structurally wrong?

1279258-Deleted - 09 Mar, 2019 - 06:00PM

I am experiencing the same thing.. ladies are really keen.. we can meet tomorrow!! Hooray!! Ah something has come up.. next week!! Okay!! Well actually I can’t do that.. I can’t get to you.. I’ll come to you then.. what do you mean you don’t live there?? Your name isn’t Holly?? Finally my husband will get suspicious if I go out in the evening.. sheesh.! It took 4 weeks to get to this stage.. I have others.. ghosting.. blocking if I seem to ask a not unreasonable question like is your name really Ethel? I am not in the first flush but gawd it was a lot easier 20 years ago..

20 members like this comment.

The Actress - 08 Mar, 2019 - 04:55PM

This seems to be a recurring question, (note that I didn't say "problem,")

A while back I met a lovely man, (Yes I actually DID meet him); we fancied one another like crazy, and arranged to meet again.

Alas! Dozens of steamy emails, and at least 6 cancelled-at-the-last-minute assignations later, it became sadly obvious that it simply wasn't going to happen. TBH I think he just thrived on the possibility: the "I could, if I would"-ness, of the situation.

Eventually I put him on the back burner and forgot about him. I still get the odd email, asking if I'm still around, and hinting at the possibility....... I haven't the heart to tell him that I've moved on, I feel more like a counsellor, but if he's got his fantasy, and I'm getting on with my life, then we're both suited!
He really was gorgeous, though. 😑

7 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 08 Mar, 2019 - 02:03PM

beelle - "The trouble is that "hope springs eternal" and that everyone on here believes that somewhere out there is their 'perfect lover' so people go on looking."

Maybe that is where so many go wrong ... 'perfect lover' Many people have not been 'perfect' however for the short time we have together, it is very very enjoyable, good company, conversation, an evening or other that meets a lot of the ideals, however never perfect.
Of those I have spent time with, 'loved' as there are many different types of love and some have been, and continue to be, amazing friends, 'and lost' often as their work has moved them out of Manchester. I am delighted to say, I have, to date, never regretted any times we have had together.
None have been perfect, all have been wonderful :-)

6 members like this comment.

beelle - 08 Mar, 2019 - 09:20AM

In my opinion the whole area is such a minefield that one has to tread very carefully.

In most cases one is risking one's house and children as well as one's marriage so the stakes are high. Profiles only give a limited view of the potential IE and however much one may be here for physical gratification there has to be some sort of connection beyond that, hence poorly spelled or grammatically shoddy profiles put me off to start with as I seek coherence and intelligence as well as physical attraction.

Ultimately the online flirting has to be taken to another level and this is where the prospective reality really kicks in and, for some members of both sexes, that is where the question of whether the game is worth the candle really hits home, rather than just being an intellectual conceit.

The trouble is that "hope springs eternal" and that everyone on here believes that somewhere out there is their 'perfect lover' so people go on looking.

6 members like this comment.

Saralettershere - 05 Mar, 2019 - 01:23PM

》Playtime24
From the two similar letters here this month, it appears that this is becoming an issue in IE. I don't think its entirely fair to say the person who is facing vanishing acts need to scruntinise their communications/process.
There are loads of men who message me on a daily basis who would be willing to meet for sure but I don't fancy due to many reasons from age, location to badly written profiles. The ones I do choose to have contact with are the ones who I am perplexed by.
Its usually very laidback conversations, asking what we both looking for, the logiatics what are lives are like etc. I am keen to meet but I am not pushy. I dont intrude by asking very personal questions about their family home and certainly not sent them a link to Tiffany's (joke!!) as a hint 😀

5 members like this comment.

Playtime24 - 03 Mar, 2019 - 10:20AM

This is interesting, but surely if its a recurring issue you may need to look at something within your process of the initial contact to loss of contact. It cant be the case that every guy (who is also within a subscription) just wants to be liked.... I certainly wouldn't pay for that privelage, and I'm certain you'll find numerous men here that experience your issue.change something it might make all the diff

Serialencounter - 01 Mar, 2019 - 06:49AM

I suppose it's a combination of things.

Firstly, we have a recollection of our youthful dalliances that eventually led to partnering. But it was easy then, it 'happened' for us, the wand of youth etc. Now we must make it happen, and that takes some effort and planning.

The next things is we have become spoilt. If we could order it for delivery we'd probably buy it. So again we can avoid making an effort.

We are now almost in virtual reality, happy to go through all the stages in thinking, convincing ourselves of feeling, without doing. Cue the sex robots.

We expect some kind of M&S guarantee that what we try to do is returnable or refundable. It isn't. You either admire the egg or eat the omelette.

At liberty to do such things, but we have little or no experience in what at times is an 'arranged' partnering, albeit self applied. Such things can need additional support to achieve success.

Technology is fascinating, but it can sure waste your day.


4 members like this comment.

1287756-Deleted - 28 Feb, 2019 - 04:34PM

@NaughtyUKGent
I totally agree it is hard to keep up and on top of messages however one way I manage it is by opening up separate folders which I then put ithe messages I dealt with into
E.g
Definite nos's in one (helps if they remessage)
Actives in another
That way you keep inbox clear and a record of previous messages
Its not perfect as you still need to open and read to read why you said no ,but only if you feel the need
I take the view if I've said no and they are in the folder it was for a reason that has probably not changed but if you don't it stays as unread with "no "next to it


I would be interested if anyone has any other ideas for keeping on top of a cluttered inbox

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 28 Feb, 2019 - 10:20AM

NaughtyUKGent - 27 Feb, 2019 - 02:55PM
"so many emails are presented in the email tab, both send and received - this creates a huge amount of unwanted clutter"

Actually, if you go to Messages and click on Sent, then only the messages you have sent are shown ... that takes away a lot of clutter.

1 member likes this comment.

NaughtyUKGent - 27 Feb, 2019 - 02:55PM

Indeed men do too. It is one of the most frustrating aspects of this site. I think it would help if you could 'Flag' certain emails or add a personal note to emails so that you can pick up after a few days rather than lose a thread because so many emails are presented in the email tab, both send and received - this creates a huge amount of unwanted clutter, particularly because if you delete emails the message thread then also disappears and nobody's memory is that perfect!

7 members like this comment.

NaughtyUKGent - 27 Feb, 2019 - 02:50PM

Indeed men do too. It is one of the most frustrating aspects of this site. I think it would help if you could 'Flag' certain emails or add a personal note to emails so that you can pick up after a few days rather than lose a thread because so many emails are presented in the email tab, both send and received - this creates a huge amount of unwanted clutter, particularly because if you delete emails the message thread then also disappears and nobody's memory is that perfect!

1284502-Deleted - 27 Feb, 2019 - 12:55PM

I think that part of the problem, is communication speed to be more specific a lack there off.

Now this isn't a dig, and god forbid I sound like I'm moaning because I'm not, I've met some wonderful women on here, virtually and about to start properly, like all guys on here I have some messages going back weeks that yet to be replied to, now this could be because I have a long profile and writing it all in an introductory message is a pain, so I tend to be a little formulaic in my initial contact hoping that my quite frankly, wonderful profile will get read.

I have no idea how long to leave a dormant message, maybe a day, maybe a week, but surely and i fairness to everyone it's just easier and polite to say thanks but no thanks it only takes 5 seconds, and leaves everyone free to carry on with finding the one.

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 27 Feb, 2019 - 12:46PM

Saralettershere - 26 Feb, 2019 - 03:02PM

Hear, Hear ... couldn't agree more!

1 member likes this comment.

1294760-Deleted - 26 Feb, 2019 - 08:10PM

I have found a lot of guys on here just want to chat and collect photo passwords and at the moment I am finding the site quite disappointing to be honest.
I completely agree with Bill64. If you've no intention of meeting up get off the site.

10 members like this comment.

1118221-Deleted - 26 Feb, 2019 - 07:28PM

I couldn't agree more. Two years ago, when I first joined the site, I found that most guys, having first exchanged pics, wanted to meet up pretty quickly. Most said they appreciated finding a woman who wanted to meet up rather than engaging in a lot of meaningless chat. Sometimes the dates lead on to other things,
sometimes they didn't, but at least we had a pleasant night out. Now I'm finding the same evasiveness as you are experiencing. The guys just won't be pinned down to a specific date, or, and this has happened several times recently, they make a commitment then just don't turn up. There are also those who disappear, sometimes for several weeks, only to reappear as though nothing has happened. I think these guys just want the thrill of the chase rather than the scary commitment of an actual affair. It's most annoying for those of us who want the sex!

13 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 26 Feb, 2019 - 04:42PM

toecurler2 - 25 Feb, 2019 - 02:37PM
"We guys are also at great risk being here and the prospect of a "bunny boiler" probably does not sit at all well. Think about it."

If that's the case, why be here at all then for goodness sake!!!

12 members like this comment.

Brownbbwlondon - 26 Feb, 2019 - 03:05PM

Happens too often

1 member likes this comment.

Saralettershere - 26 Feb, 2019 - 03:03PM

Wow

Saralettershere - 26 Feb, 2019 - 03:02PM

Toecurler - wow does clingy means they deserve to be treated badly?

Making alot of assumptions. So men aren't bunnyboilers too? What about all the men I see here who want to "dominate" women. Surely that could mess up womens minds? I am not a sub so never respond but makes me think about how they could disrupt marriages.

For the record, I am not a bunnyboiler nor am I clingy. I broke off an affair a year ago because he was too clingy and demanding. This started to affect how I felt about my husband. I am not here to change my circumstances just to have some fun I am missing at home.

If you bother to read the post - they tend to disappear after very short exchanges. I don't see how I could have come across as clingy and certainly not in so few exchanges.

Maybe you ought to "think about it".... the need to make it the woman's fault.

8 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 26 Feb, 2019 - 01:42PM

Because they can?

All dating sites the above happens. I had hoped that this would not be one of them.

I do agree with TheEmpressTheodora, chatting with others, location etc play a part in chatting to silence. I have been dumped on the way to a meeting as have met someone else, then a few months later trying again as they have forgotten how they treated me!

Many new people have rose tinted glasses and do not realise what they are getting into and do develop cold feet, it is a ‘dangerous’ thing to do and can have terrible consequences.

I do not understand why so many men pay fees to be, photograph collectors, fluff their ego, waste so much of other people’s time.
They clearly have too much time on their hands and money that they should spend on their wives, who clearly need to be treated better as they waste their time on here!

There are great genuine people of both sides and time wastes on both, unfortunately time wasters are in the majority ... patience and LOTS of it is required!

7 members like this comment.

1283374-Deleted - 25 Feb, 2019 - 04:02PM

Yes, men do face this but - I think - to a far greater degree and for a very simple reason.

1 member likes this comment.

toecurler2 - 25 Feb, 2019 - 02:37PM

What almost all guys fail to understand is that ladies also have similar physical needs as men. Plus a wee bit of emotional attachment too. Are you maybe sending out a hint of clinginess?

We guys are also at great risk being here and the prospect of a "bunny boiler" probably does not sit at all well. Think about it.

3 members like this comment.

1276157-Deleted - 25 Feb, 2019 - 02:28PM

I have had so much of this at least 4 good chats ,exchange pics etc ,then i start pushing for a date to meet etc ,then they get evasive ,im on here to meet not get my ego boosted or live out a fantasy ,so why waste my time ? yes i agree some have a few on here and end up picking one for whatever reason ,thats fine ! but we all have normal lives to try and fit meets in so please if you DONT intend to go through with it for whatever reason ,try another site some of us are genuine .....

5 members like this comment.

Happy sweet girl - 25 Feb, 2019 - 12:28PM

That is happening to me over and over again
I’m losing faith here too
I think like you say in your post
Men love the fantasy of an affair
But can’t be bothered to put the energy into it

8 members like this comment.

Borderline847 - 24 Feb, 2019 - 07:52PM

Hi
I have had similar experiences. We like each other but as to actually meeting is another matter. So many feel too guilty to go through with anything.
I also can’t get used to the modern man that has to rush home from work to help with bath and bedtime with the children. Also so many work from home so have no excuse to get out of the house!!

9 members like this comment.

1274565-Deleted - 24 Feb, 2019 - 05:03PM

Dear member

There are some members that love the idea of an affair but I am afraid they are too ambitious. They are maybe too busy with work and home commitments so they don't have the time to escape. Some just don't have the balls to go ahead with it. This is nothing to do with you. The right encounter will come. You just need patient. Good luck.

8 members like this comment.

Miles1691 - 24 Feb, 2019 - 04:55PM

It is the same for a man - but suppose it’s is part and parcel of the digit world. Increasing reticent about sharing much personal until you meet, including pics.....

1 member likes this comment.

1292084-Deleted - 24 Feb, 2019 - 02:40PM

OK well here is my take on what is happening here I have been on this site off and on for 3 years, and I have met some lovely guys. I think what is happening is that these guys are talking to several women at once and they come across one that is a) closer in location than you b) they feel more attracted to or c) they feel a greater mental affinity to. Obviously because they have not met you they have not had the chance to know whether or not the electricity is there.

I have had exactly the same thing happen to me and I know the dreadful truth is that they felt a better match came along. Yes it is terribly disheartening but then when things don't work out with that person then you get a "hey, how are you - long time no chat" type message. I find it is a bit like waiting for a bus - you get a lot of half hearted responses then suddenly 3 at once that are very keen. And then of course you have the problem of which one to go for (leaving them not understanding why you stop writing unless you say why.)

5 members like this comment.

Teicu - 24 Feb, 2019 - 12:56PM

I think guys just chicken out at the last minute. It’s a great ego boost on here so why wouldn’t they do it...or they have a few women on the go at the same time, remember men aren’t that good at multi tasking.
I have often asked the same question, it seems an expensive way to fuel the fantasist

4 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 24 Feb, 2019 - 12:50PM

Yes, there are many fantasists here, both male and female.
It's not you, it's them but of course that doesn't make it any easier for you I'm sorry to say.

2 members like this comment.

1250153-Deleted - 24 Feb, 2019 - 12:24PM

I Definitely agree there has been a shift in attitude to communication etiquette in some members
I agree for some it seems to be about boosting their ego or just wanting to share their fantasies without wanting to do so in RLand its frustratiing and time wasting which would bebetter spent in organising meeting genuine men

I also get those that read a message don't reply (their perogative) but then come back 2 weeks later and expect you to still be interested... using the excuses been busy work/ family stuff blah blah when they are blatantly on line the whole time...
Membership running out maybe...
???

2 members like this comment.

Bereweeke - 24 Feb, 2019 - 12:03PM

I am sure that both men and women have had the same experiences - as you recognise. Personally, I keep things to a "friends" level until we meet in person. If a gentleman wants more than that before we meet then he is no "gentleman" to me. I accept we all have different standards with regard to any internet dating site but "to thine own self be true." I suspect a lot of people on various sites suffer from NPD. Wishing you all the best. Never give up.

2 members like this comment.

Honeybee527 - 24 Feb, 2019 - 01:03AM

I also find that happens a lot too. I do however think that there are a few 'Tumbleweeds' that get off on just talking with no real intention of meeting. It could also be the fact that they are talking to a few ladies and maybe one is saying more of what they want to hear so we are left at the wayside. Especially if they are new to the site it can feel like a kid in a candy shop. Although it would be nice if they were no upfront than keep us hanging.

5 members like this comment.

1273210-Deleted - 23 Feb, 2019 - 11:30PM

As a man on this site I hear what you're saying and empathise with it. Yes it happens to us guys as well. I think we have to expect it to happen on here. It's impossible to judge people by what they say as you have no idea what their intentions are. I suspect we have to just do our best, be honest and hope others do the same. I think we're often going to be disappointed but just have to expect the limitations of this kind of dating. Not ideal I know but it can work. I've talked to a few women on here who have had good times as a result. I've met some women who have been lovely. Not had an affair yet but still think it's worth perservering. Think lucky but let 'caution' be your byword initially. Good luck and hope you do find Mr Right.

5 members like this comment.

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