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Letters to Sara

Advice needed

Dear Sara

Having used IE a few times now and have never been brave enough to write a letter but something recently happened and I feel I’d like others opinion who are in the same situation!

I rejoined a few months ago and started chatting to someone around four weeks ago. We met for a drink and all went well.....

He was rather keen with messaging and to meet again. 

We did so a few days later and again after that. 

He then asked me to dinner saying he was going to be staying in town. A few days before our dinner date I thought “sod it” and hinted at staying with him for the evening. 

He was keen but stressed that there was no rush and how much he was enjoying my company and how “easy” it was chatting to me....

We met and one thing lead to another.....we skipped dinner and headed straight to the bedroom. 

He was very passionate but we encountered a erection problem so good intercourse didn’t happen. 

We spent the night together and next morning went our separate ways.....we’ve messaged a little but not to what it was before and after talking about this he assured me there was nothing wrong and he was just worried about being “too keen”!

We literally messaged last night and now he’s disappeared. 

Any ideas fellow IE’ers?

2 members like this.

Comments (20)

1274971-Deleted - 28 Nov, 2018 - 09:51AM

It happens. I get "shy" with a new partner, even with my OH sometimes, just a small distraction can lead to the lack of performance. So maybe he feels a little guilty.. maybe he realised he doesn't want this.

Miss Muffett - 23 Nov, 2018 - 08:53PM

I found that after our first 'date' or whatever you want to call it, messages became less. But it didn't signal the end. I think it was that we both then knew that we wanted things to continue so there was less pressure. Life can get busy etc and people don't always have time for lots of messages every day. Also that first flush has (not worn off) moved onto something more tangible. The nerves and need to be constantly connected has changed.

It's only been since last night that you last heard (though I know this letter is now a few weeks old so hopefully he's been back in touch!) from him. I hope you've been chatting since and maybe arranged your next date?!

susan104 - 16 Nov, 2018 - 07:09AM

Finebanker
Why even waste your time answering if you can't relate to it lol

1 member likes this comment.

FineBanker - 12 Nov, 2018 - 12:36AM

Sorry but I can't relate as i don't have this problem :-) xx

Passionata22 - 09 Nov, 2018 - 10:47PM

I'd definitely say there are a few things going on here.
Firstly he feels guilty, hence taking it slow.
Second he felt desire when you upped the ante, but underpinned by guilt and anxiety.
Thirdly he is hugely embarassed that he can't deal with the guilt and therefore can't perform.
Hence his disappearance.

Also any sign of over texting before always leads to someone flaking out. They feel safe with texting and use it as an outlet.

It's not you, it's him. This story is repeated countless times in online dating and has everything to do with his home life guilt desire and fear, and nothing to do with you.
It's very annoying though especially if you thought you'd have a nice little adult friendship and it's all disappeared.

Novice guys are practically always like this.

1 member likes this comment.

Seductiveyes - 09 Nov, 2018 - 08:08AM

Good morning

There plenty fish in the sea

ExoticOrchid - 08 Nov, 2018 - 05:25PM

The Actress - 08 Nov, 2018 - 03:37PM

The same thought occurred to me !!!

The Actress - 08 Nov, 2018 - 03:37PM

If you only messaged last night, how can you say h's disappeared? Did he delete his profile?


1 member likes this comment.

Summerbelle - 07 Nov, 2018 - 09:57PM

It sounds to me that he wanted to take things more slowly than you did and perhaps felt under pressure to 'perform' when you went straight to the bedroom rather than enjoy an evening getting to know each other over dinner first.

Maybe he felt like you were treating him as a sex object rather than wanting to get to know him as a person ... strange as that might sound.

1268231-Scheduled For Deletion - 07 Nov, 2018 - 04:58PM

It wasn't that sexy after all.

Bereweeke - 07 Nov, 2018 - 04:00PM

Sorry, I have to start again. I assume "disappeared" means the gentleman is no longer on the IE site? It must be upsetting when you were getting on so well. Perhaps he was concerned he had let you down sexually. At least you enjoyed a few pleasant meetings. Good for the both of you.

Lasttimecaller? - 07 Nov, 2018 - 07:59AM

Wow! So many possibilities.......

His erectile dysfunction is a source of embarrassment for him.
He regrets the experience.
He thinks you regret the experience.
He doesn't like you as much as you thought he did.
He's a s**t who got what he wanted and has moved on to another conquest........Or
He maybe just wants to hear how much you enjoyed being with him, and how great it would be to see each other again, even if your next encounter didn't end up in bed.

Time.is.right - 07 Nov, 2018 - 05:36AM

He’s almost certainly embarrassed and gutted because he didn’t perform. Or he may have had a big guilt trip with the reality of an affair. The latter you can do little about, the former is delicate but maybe just face up to it with him, say it’s not uncommon, you don’t take it personally as if it was some lack of desire for you, and suggest a pill. We’re all getting older.

1 member likes this comment.

Ctyolene - 07 Nov, 2018 - 02:58AM

Sounds like a touch of ED. It happens. But now he feels awkward and afraid it will happen again.

LadyPenelope69 - 07 Nov, 2018 - 12:27AM

There could be any number of reasons for this - but have you been able to ask him? or felt able to?. He may feel embarrassed he couldn't perform as he wanted to? only he can really tell you and then you have to decide if you believe him. I would try and put this down to experience and move on sadly. I can understand you may feel upset and confused but meeting anyone from here carries some risks like it does with any relationship we try and establish. If he has ghosted you, totally disappeared with no conversation that shows what he is really like maybe.

2 members like this comment.

1264503-Deleted - 06 Nov, 2018 - 10:34PM

It has happened before and he keeps trying to see if it's the woman he's with.
This is NOT your fault.
He needs to address this problem which he obviously doesn't feel is a problem.
Yes I have had this happen to me on a few occasions and I can promise you it was in no way my fault as I tried everything in my arsenal and ability to help to no avail.
Put it down to experience and move on .
The next lover will be fantastic.
And there are other things he could of done to satisfy you. leaving you content so if he didn't do these either he's not worth the worry.
Good luck.

3 members like this comment.

Jules497 - 06 Nov, 2018 - 10:28PM

Hi there
I can only think he’s embarrassed, re erection malfunction. I would hazard a guess it’s not the first time it’s happened to the the poor fella, hence his reluctance to rush into the physical side of a relationship.

1 member likes this comment.

Jules497 - 06 Nov, 2018 - 10:28PM

Hi there
I can only think he’s embarrassed, re erection malfunction. I would hazard a guess it’s not the first time it’s happened to the the poor fella, hence his reluctance to rush into the physical side of a relationship.

susan104 - 06 Nov, 2018 - 08:07PM

Maybe he has had these problems before with his partner/wife but thought it would be different with someone new but has now realised it's not and is embarrassed about it xx

3 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 06 Nov, 2018 - 04:50PM

The problem here, I think, is that many of the men on here think that we women expect absolute perfection in the bedroom from night one. If they feel they have failed they run for the hills. I have experienced this a lot. I don't know what the solution is. I've tried reassurance, tenderness, and even outright confrontation (as in "You have a choice here, you can either run off like a frightened teenager or we can talk")! Obviously as women all we can do is improve our 'pillow talk'.

I don't know what you mean by 'he's disappeared'. Can you contact him at all? If you can I suggest you do and that you are direct about the erection problem, stressing that you do not hold it against him and that you are sure that if you meet again things will improve. Next time it happens, try to get your bloke to open up and talk about it there and then before he gets the chance to run away. Good Luck!

1 member likes this comment.

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