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Letters to Sara

Self-knowledge

Dear Sara,
When I joined IE 8 years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted having lived in a loveless marriage for many years.  I thought that if I had a lover then that would take care of that side of my life.  I simply wanted to meet a man whom I could get along with and who would become my lover, no strings attached.  However, it worked out differently from what I had expected and I learned something about myself along the way.  The first man I met was nice enough and we had an afternoon of sex but it left me feeling unfulfilled and uneasy with myself.  I thought that IE was not the answer to my situation and was about to leave the site when someone else contacted me who seemed to want what I wanted from an affair.  Now 8 years later that man and I are still together.  We meet often and had a brilliant sex life until recently when he was diagnosed with cancer.  We are still together because I have discovered that there is more to our relationship than the physical side, he is my best friend.  Neither of us want to end our marriage and would not want to live together because we both recognise that wouldn't work.  Yet I don't feel unfulfilled anymore, even though we don't make love in the conventional sense.  So what I learned is that I didn't want just a lover, that didn't suit me at all - I wanted, and got, a very close relationship that has seen me through many dark times in my life.  I know that what I have wouldn't suit everyone, but I do wonder what others have learned about themselves by joining IE.

42 members like this.

Comments (19)

Blonde Moment - 08 Nov, 2018 - 01:23AM

What I have learned is how easy it is to be duplicitous and guiltfree in seeking some body else compared to the old days of traditional love affairs .People can choose to have NSA if they want or a relationship which doesn't rock the boat and produce fractured families .For that we should be appreciative of changing attitudes and the internet .

cooperroad - 03 Nov, 2018 - 09:20AM

Hi your story sounds lovely but I am not sure why you are still on IE?

1 member likes this comment.

Jonwinter777 - 28 Oct, 2018 - 01:15AM

Sounds like over the years you've fallen in love with each other but perhaps that binding word has never been spoken. Don't be afraid to say it if you haven't you could both gain a great deal of healing from it. Love is true friendship after all. And love doesn't recognise the limitations we try to bind it with. I wish you both continued happiness in each other. Love is also true freedom.

2 members like this comment.

amber57 - 15 Oct, 2018 - 12:26AM

Hi there,
its nice to hear you still have your lover!
when i 1st joint was nice to meet a couple of nice people till i found the guy ,i liked a lot , we still together its now 3 years, and its not only a lover is also a good friendship , not every guy is rude or intolerant , their real nice people out there, i also as you ask learning , about , i think more of me know and started seeing things in a more positive way as i ever did and yes also learned to trust again through him.
And most of all i am happy!
Amber57

tea_coffee_me_ - 30 Sep, 2018 - 05:58PM

1 of 2

I am here slightly differently. I am single. I have been looking for husband no 2 (NOT HERE) and started being a mistress to fill the gaps in between... Meeting people, no strings and the plan was to be a mistress until husband no 2 came along. (I was hoping it would not be half a decade and counting!).

For me I was never looking for a one time experience, I want someone I am comfortable with and a friendship can grow, and the quality of other time together is also much better. Many people can have a great experience without knowing the person for others, by a friendship and increased knowledge of the person the experience of when we meet up is much better. For the people it has worked with, for me they are similar, they do not want a one off, they also want a friendship, and some knowledge of their background and what works for them!

4 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 30 Sep, 2018 - 05:58PM

2 of 2

Some I have a stronger friendship and connection with than others, however once a certain point is reached it is great, as meeting again after X many weeks or months is always comfortable.

I think I have upset a few on IE by saying I will not become attached to them and do keep certain feelings distant/disconnected. I have NO interest in breaking up a marriage and do not want that type of person, the grass is never greener!

I have made some lovely friendships and some have been able to continue past being able to meet up too!

2 members like this comment.

Tarot - 28 Sep, 2018 - 04:36AM

I wanted to thank you for the share, as it has created a bit of clarity for me.

1 member likes this comment.

1244855-Deleted - 24 Sep, 2018 - 01:26PM

Ref. Something Just like This - I would even go a step or two further, and segregate those who are single/separated/divorced and widowed, from those who are married or in a relationship. No matter what we would all like to think, it does change the dynamic if both parties are not equally invested.
However the fact is, we all have our own reasons and motives for being here, and shouldn't be critical of others who are looking for something which doesn't fit our own idea of what constitutes an illicit encounter, whether that be a deep emotional attachment or something more 'casual'.
Mutual respect is the key to a fulfilling and enjoyable illicit relationship.

2 members like this comment.

kinky80 - 22 Sep, 2018 - 12:05PM

You are extremely lucky to have that. I have noticed that woman want more than just sex, but men seem to just want casual hook ups so you are lucky to have found one of the rare men on here who wanted more than that.

I hope his health improves and wish you all the best. x

9 members like this comment.

Grumbledore66 - 20 Sep, 2018 - 03:50PM

i have too agree with sexybexy it is not just about the sex in fact it is about the connection and knowing that in that moment your partner wants just you and shows you that something that gets lost in a marriage often but i suppose the affair keeps those feelings going as life doesn't get in the way!!

3 members like this comment.

Hebble999 - 16 Sep, 2018 - 11:34AM

This is something that I have believed for decades, i.e. that we can love and be close to more than one person. I also believe that many marriages would be stronger, less resentful and less frustrated if there were that other person out there to provide additional support and connection. It's a bit like respite care when caring for a sick relative....just a few days off can recharge the batteries to return to the fray.

Personally I have not had a relationship that has lasted 8 but only 2. It was a great journey and I learned a lot. It was as much about knowing someone was out there on one's side even when they weren't there as being with them. That knowing lighted every day. And the longer the relationship, the more we knew each other and that in itself brings rewards.

10 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 16 Sep, 2018 - 08:27AM

Yes. I agree totally. When I joined this site I wasn't just missing sex, but also warmth, intimacy and mutual caring. My best relationship so far has been with someone who couldn't even have sex! I don't think this is just a female thing, either. Most men, if they are honest, want to be with someone who offers caring and tenderness rather than simply an open pair of legs...

12 members like this comment.

dybb_uk - 15 Sep, 2018 - 04:05PM

I think you have hit the nail on the head.
Although we all (well, some of us) say, or think, we are just looking for casual sex, I know that's not really enough for me. There's an immediate and close bond established when we have sex, and I think people are too ready to ignore that.
Really, although "simple" sex can be briefly enjoyable, I don't think sex can be fulfilling without that close bond and mutual enjoyment, because one-sided sex is simply exploitation.
So I suspect that anything more than one-night stands are almost certainly going to end up as fully rewarding relationships like yours.

2 members like this comment.

1261486-Deleted - 15 Sep, 2018 - 03:33PM

That's very sweet, and also very sad. I hope your friend makes it through - Paul. I don't yet know what I will learn as I have just joined but my profile does show what I'm looking for. Seems it's out there, somewhere...

1 member likes this comment.

Teicu - 15 Sep, 2018 - 11:36AM

Notsomarriedman completely agreee

1 member likes this comment.

Something Just Like This - 15 Sep, 2018 - 11:33AM

I love this letter. You have been very lucky to find someone like this. I would love to meet a man who wants the same. Most men I have spoken to want casual sex and are not interested in forming a friendship. A long term friendship/lover means so much more than a casual cold sex session. I do find that when you do manage to message a man who says he wants the same, they seem to get cold feet and disappear. If I could give one recommendation to the owners of this site, it is to split it into two halves, one for people who want casual sex and the other for people who want a relationship.

22 members like this comment.

perfect mistress material - 15 Sep, 2018 - 02:12AM

Passion intense exiting sex friendship and even love that it is what I got when I joined IE in the three long term relationships I have had over 9 years of being on here ,I was not looking for more than fun friendship and sex when I started on here as I was single but getting over a long marriage and focusing on my then teenager and myself .. but wow the guys I got involved with were fabulous.. I think I learned from IE that relationships without a fulfilling sex life and fairly close emotional bond would never make me happy forever and brother and sister type relationships would not keep me faithful no matter how caring it was . I did learn I have to be true to myself .


2 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 14 Sep, 2018 - 02:25PM

Lucky you. Jealous. I failed on that front. Miserably. But happy for you. I learned that trust is first and foremost, whether pleasant or not, and that trust breached is life threatening.

notsomarriedman - 14 Sep, 2018 - 12:15PM

I suspect that this will resonate with more people than you expected.

17 members like this comment.

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