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Letters to Sara

Self-knowledge

Dear Sara,
When I joined IE 8 years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted having lived in a loveless marriage for many years.  I thought that if I had a lover then that would take care of that side of my life.  I simply wanted to meet a man whom I could get along with and who would become my lover, no strings attached.  However, it worked out differently from what I had expected and I learned something about myself along the way.  The first man I met was nice enough and we had an afternoon of sex but it left me feeling unfulfilled and uneasy with myself.  I thought that IE was not the answer to my situation and was about to leave the site when someone else contacted me who seemed to want what I wanted from an affair.  Now 8 years later that man and I are still together.  We meet often and had a brilliant sex life until recently when he was diagnosed with cancer.  We are still together because I have discovered that there is more to our relationship than the physical side, he is my best friend.  Neither of us want to end our marriage and would not want to live together because we both recognise that wouldn't work.  Yet I don't feel unfulfilled anymore, even though we don't make love in the conventional sense.  So what I learned is that I didn't want just a lover, that didn't suit me at all - I wanted, and got, a very close relationship that has seen me through many dark times in my life.  I know that what I have wouldn't suit everyone, but I do wonder what others have learned about themselves by joining IE.

22 members like this.

Comments (10)

Grumbledore66 - 20 Sep, 2018 - 03:50PM

i have too agree with sexybexy it is not just about the sex in fact it is about the connection and knowing that in that moment your partner wants just you and shows you that something that gets lost in a marriage often but i suppose the affair keeps those feelings going as life doesn't get in the way!!

1 member likes this comment.

Hebble999 - 16 Sep, 2018 - 11:34AM

This is something that I have believed for decades, i.e. that we can love and be close to more than one person. I also believe that many marriages would be stronger, less resentful and less frustrated if there were that other person out there to provide additional support and connection. It's a bit like respite care when caring for a sick relative....just a few days off can recharge the batteries to return to the fray.

Personally I have not had a relationship that has lasted 8 but only 2. It was a great journey and I learned a lot. It was as much about knowing someone was out there on one's side even when they weren't there as being with them. That knowing lighted every day. And the longer the relationship, the more we knew each other and that in itself brings rewards.

5 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 16 Sep, 2018 - 08:27AM

Yes. I agree totally. When I joined this site I wasn't just missing sex, but also warmth, intimacy and mutual caring. My best relationship so far has been with someone who couldn't even have sex! I don't think this is just a female thing, either. Most men, if they are honest, want to be with someone who offers caring and tenderness rather than simply an open pair of legs...

6 members like this comment.

dybb_uk - 15 Sep, 2018 - 04:05PM

I think you have hit the nail on the head.
Although we all (well, some of us) say, or think, we are just looking for casual sex, I know that's not really enough for me. There's an immediate and close bond established when we have sex, and I think people are too ready to ignore that.
Really, although "simple" sex can be briefly enjoyable, I don't think sex can be fulfilling without that close bond and mutual enjoyment, because one-sided sex is simply exploitation.
So I suspect that anything more than one-night stands are almost certainly going to end up as fully rewarding relationships like yours.

2 members like this comment.

1261486-Scheduled For Deletion - 15 Sep, 2018 - 03:33PM

That's very sweet, and also very sad. I hope your friend makes it through - Paul. I don't yet know what I will learn as I have just joined but my profile does show what I'm looking for. Seems it's out there, somewhere...

Teicu - 15 Sep, 2018 - 11:36AM

Notsomarriedman completely agreee

1 member likes this comment.

Something Just Like This - 15 Sep, 2018 - 11:33AM

I love this letter. You have been very lucky to find someone like this. I would love to meet a man who wants the same. Most men I have spoken to want casual sex and are not interested in forming a friendship. A long term friendship/lover means so much more than a casual cold sex session. I do find that when you do manage to message a man who says he wants the same, they seem to get cold feet and disappear. If I could give one recommendation to the owners of this site, it is to split it into two halves, one for people who want casual sex and the other for people who want a relationship.

11 members like this comment.

perfect mistress material - 15 Sep, 2018 - 02:12AM

Passion intense exiting sex friendship and even love that it is what I got when I joined IE in the three long term relationships I have had over 9 years of being on here ,I was not looking for more than fun friendship and sex when I started on here as I was single but getting over a long marriage and focusing on my then teenager and myself .. but wow the guys I got involved with were fabulous.. I think I learned from IE that relationships without a fulfilling sex life and fairly close emotional bond would never make me happy forever and brother and sister type relationships would not keep me faithful no matter how caring it was . I did learn I have to be true to myself .


2 members like this comment.

2waysincerencounter - 14 Sep, 2018 - 02:25PM

Lucky you. Jealous. I failed on that front. Miserably. But happy for you. I learned that trust is first and foremost, whether pleasant or not, and that trust breached is life threatening.

notsomarriedman - 14 Sep, 2018 - 12:15PM

I suspect that this will resonate with more people than you expected.

17 members like this comment.

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