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Letters to Sara

Why can't some men handle rejection?

Dear Sara,
I recently had a brief conversation with a guy who I thought had a GSOH. After swapping pw's he said that if I was in a pub alone he would come over and chat to me. I said that I thought we would get on and have a good laugh but that I would take a taxi home. His reply was, get real, you're no f...ing oil painting. Shame he immediately blocked me like a coward as I wanted to tell him that he had made me laugh, esp as his profile states that he knows how to treat a lady! I could name him but why bother, he knows who he is. GSOH - No! Loser - Yes!
My opinion is that an IE affair most times will ultimately lead to sex, so, if you can't see yourself horizontally with the guy then don't waste his time or yours and say no politely. Do they think they're all God's or do they think we are all desperate slappers who will bed anyone?
Ladies!! I just want to say that if you receive messages like this, don't get upset and take it to heart, do what I did and laugh, we are worth so much more.

38 members like this.

Comments (37)

Not here in error - 22 May, 2018 - 03:19PM

Is it not polite though to at least say "sorry not my type" once you've exchanged PWs? Recently on 2 occasions I've had fun conversations, we've agreed to "swap" passwords and then find myself "blocked"! I've only blocked nuisance profiles, and only after I told them I was blocking them.
Is this normal?! Maybe am just not cold hearted enough to block everyone I don't fancy!

1 member likes this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 22 May, 2018 - 09:04AM

Quite simply, both sexes are the same...

Some do not accept rejection well, others do.

Some are nasty when rejecting, (I have heard from the men on the nastiness of women!) others try to be decent.

"ExoticOrchid - 16 May, 2018 - 10:40AM
I usually try and blame the rejection upon my self by saying "I'm afraid I am not the right person for you/not what you are looking for" rather than saying "Sorry, you don't float my boat" ... seems kinder as no one likes to be rejected though even that seems to bring out the worst in a few, very few, cases!"

- Yes I have done that in the past, and agree with your findings too!

Not everyone is for everyone, accept it!
If you cannot handle (polite) rejection, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

We do not become wonderful friends with everyone we meet, you cannot expect to have a wonderful affair with every profile on here.

Both sexes, be kind, be considerate, be patient :-)
(If you would not like to receive the reply you are sending, do not send it .... :-) )

6 members like this comment.

richard123 - 22 May, 2018 - 07:48AM

I'm no 'oil painting' myself, and have had more rejections than, 'yes pleases'!

And yes, sometimes it has worked the other way round!

However, always be polite and nice about it. Life is too short not to be nice to people, and treat with respect xxxx

7 members like this comment.

lonewolf81 - 20 May, 2018 - 11:17AM

It is upsetting to anyone to have rejection. Though, it can get easier but all depends on the person.

ExoticOrchid - 17 May, 2018 - 03:04PM

captain883 - 16 May, 2018 - 10:32AM
"Some chaps naively expect to meet film starlets or a bombshell on that first date."

Oh yes ... you are not wrong there, haha!

However, they do seem to think they are George Clooney or Brad Pitt even though their pics show otherwise. Not to mention those who are overweight but their profile states they don't want any woman bigger than Size 14 ... errr hello???

13 members like this comment.

dobadthings - 17 May, 2018 - 12:38PM

"I said that I thought we would get on and have a good laugh but that I would take a taxi home"

To which my reply would have been something like: 'Great! See you at ....I do like a woman who plays hard to get!'

This guy was a total LOSER...

4 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 16 May, 2018 - 10:40AM

I usually try and blame the rejection upon my self by saying "I'm afraid I am not the right person for you/not what you are looking for" rather than saying "Sorry, you don't float my boat" ... seems kinder as no one likes to be rejected though even that seems to bring out the worst in a few, very few, cases!

That said, I have been on the receiving end of some pretty brutal put downs such as "Your pics did nothing for me" or "I'm only looking for women with long, slim legs" [not that he's even seen my legs though admittedly I'm only 5'2" so he wasn't wrong regarding the length, haha] ... however, I prefer those replies to no reply at all it must be said. At least you know where you stand!

5 members like this comment.

captain883 - 16 May, 2018 - 10:32AM

As a chap I cannot say I have discussed male attitudes with other fellows but yes I have with the ladies.

Some chaps naively expect to meet film starlets or a bombshell on that first date. Wrong - that is not what IE is about and, to be sure, I expect they are no Daniel Craig nor Justin Beeber themselves.

This guy is more than a loser he obviously does not own a mirror.

9 members like this comment.

dejavu_again - 15 May, 2018 - 08:25PM

This seems like a case misconceived 'bantz' and over-sensitivity.. not a great mix on here. Although maybe the real issue is the dreaded 'block' - you seem less upset by what was said than by being denied the opportunity to respond and explain your case (understandable!).

Blocking should be reserved for genuine harassment only, not by those that simply want to walk away from the conversation.

6 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 15 May, 2018 - 09:14AM

I have just been hoisted by my own petard. Having just said that my standard response of "Sorry, you don't float my boat" does not evoke rudeness, I just received a really nasty response to it! So it takes all sorts. All I can say is if you come across such rudeness it might be worth reporting the culprit to Admin. Let them ferret out the bastards!

3 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 14 May, 2018 - 07:12AM

My comment on here wasn't aimed at you so please don't get the wrong end of the stick here. It is mainly a saying of mine and it wasn't aimed at anybody.

Sexybexy - 14 May, 2018 - 06:59AM

Dear Wildside,
I have not found that men on IE "generally have a deficiency in manners and courtesy". On the contrary I have found most bend over backwards to be kind and polite. To this end I think a response of "Sorry, you are not my type" on seeing my photos is simply being honest and not showing their "real attitude". I'd much rather receive this message than waste my time chatting to someone who is not interested in meeting me. Similarly my standard response of "Sorry you don't float my boat" is usually met with acceptance and does not evoke rudeness, though, as I have said previously, I have learnt not to add derogatory remarks about their pictures!

2 members like this comment.

chef5182 - 13 May, 2018 - 04:35PM

I agree rejection isnt nice, but being honest in a nice way is better than just blocking them (yes ive had that done) a not my type is better than no reply at all. Ladies, not all of us are just after sex, some of us want a friend too.

4 members like this comment.

politody - 11 May, 2018 - 05:31PM

rejection is acceptable and often inevitable, but it can be done nicely, without malice - it's rudeness and malice which are unacceptable

3 members like this comment.

secret.wish - 11 May, 2018 - 07:36AM

Does it matter? Whatever their reasons, whatever your reasons, however its taken, you didn’t click. It takes 2 to tango. Trying to illicit guilt out of people for being rude when you’re enticing them to be unfaithful has more than a passing sense of irony. I’m not advocating being rude, im just advocating focusing on the people where you do click and your exchange of messages may lead somewhere.

walkintherain - 10 May, 2018 - 11:10PM

I always reply in a civil and kind fashion if there is no spark. After all, we cannot all fancy each other - it makes sense. As they say in Yorkshire "Cocks and Hens pairs their sens" (themselves). In the time I have been on this site only one guy has had a hissy fit and I withdrew thinking I'd had a lucky escape!

Anyone who reacts in that way need therapy in my book.

3 members like this comment.

Summerbelle - 10 May, 2018 - 08:35PM

I read it the same way as Callie. It sounds like he had a real sense of humour failure and, in my view anyway, his response to you was far ruder.

2 members like this comment.

Whatabounder - 10 May, 2018 - 02:47PM

No rejection is nice, we all like to feel we have something to offer in a relationship and we often don't get the opportunity to present ourselves in the best light as this whole process is pretty sterile until you get to a coffee and cake or a tea and crumpet meeting!

But rejection is better than no response at all. Even a 'I will let you know....' is better than nothing.

3 members like this comment.

Callie - 10 May, 2018 - 01:23PM

I think personally your message could have been taken 2 ways he obviously took it that you meant he wasn’t fanciable enough and took umbrage but I read it that you wouldn’t go home with him after one meeting which I absolutely understand as I feel the same I would prefer meeting up a couple of times see how we go and then take things further but I think men don’t think this way. So probably no loss he seems to be a bit too sensitive I’ve had loads of knock backs but never reacted in this way.

8 members like this comment.

Tantalising - 10 May, 2018 - 10:09AM

Fantastic way of looking at things couldn't have put it better myself !

1 member likes this comment.

sunandmoon - 09 May, 2018 - 08:26PM

What an absolute expletive...I have yet to have an encounter. .but laugh...and move on:)

1 member likes this comment.

Wildeside - 09 May, 2018 - 06:56PM

Generally, men on IE have a deficiency in manners and courtesy. Regardless of the concept of IE, I believe that certain level of etiquette still applies. They are happy to chat, but as soon as they get the PW - their real attitudes come out - "You are not my type...."

It's not a sweet shop and there is a better way of phrasing words. I tend to read the profiles and 99%, I can tell a lot about the person and I don't reply or engage nor invest my time in chats.

Men, don't be rude just because of the nature of IE - women are attracted to gentlemen and not someone who wanted to boost their ego. It's really a turn off.

7 members like this comment.

Exemplo - 09 May, 2018 - 05:09PM

There are ways and means to deliver rejection in a positive manner. Perhaps the phase "walk in the other persons shoes " should be considered before the choice of words.

2 members like this comment.

Sassy_Be - 09 May, 2018 - 04:14PM

Sometimes email/message can be missread as it happened to me a few times.But I agree with majority on here,You could of been a little bit more subtle in his rejection.Men not always take rejection easy.

1 member likes this comment.

Guilty1 - 09 May, 2018 - 04:04PM

I'm just happy if someone bothers to respond to a message ..I'm fairly easily pleased for a handsome stallion of a man , with an uncorked banter decanter and size 11 feet ...

7 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 09 May, 2018 - 12:22PM

Dear Perfect Moments
I too advocate truth. Did you think I didn't?
To be clear. The kind of response I would advocate in the original post would be along the lines of:
"Thank you very much for the compliment. You too come across as a warm, funny, and friendly type. But, to be truthful, I don't think I could have a sexual relationship with you. You simply do not float my boat in this way. Sorry. I wish you well in the future"

This is truthful, but I don't think it would cause the negative response that the original jokey response did.

3 members like this comment.

Filtiam - 09 May, 2018 - 10:49AM

I agree with Tarot in that communicating via email or messaging completely lacks context. You cannot tell how someone will interpret what you right and vice versa. It is extremely easy to upset people and whilst we may all wear masks to protect the “real” us, people can react badly, it’s human nature and we are all gloriously imperfect…

I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t be affected by rejection, so be prepared for an abrupt response.

There have been times when I’ve sent something and then thought I could have phrased it better. So now I try to be polite and courteous. I send my PW first off because let’s be totally honest you might have to engage the mind before the body but we are programmed to be physical beings, and if anyone says looks aren’t important quite frankly they’re lying.
I simply ask now for a polite “no” if I don’t fit what people are looking for. Sadly, and this does say a lot about human nature, some people can’t even be bothered to do that…

9 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 09 May, 2018 - 09:39AM

I have a saying for this..
I would rather be hurt with the truth than charmed with a pack of lies.

6 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 09 May, 2018 - 08:41AM

Your reply to the guy was rude in my opinion because you were responding to a compliment with a brush-off. If you receive a compliment the polite (and correct) response is always a thank you. His response was even more rude, but that is only to be expected given he was hurt. Beware when you use what you think is a jokey approach...it can be thrown back in your face. What goes around comes around as the Yanks say.

4 members like this comment.

Shortbutcute - 09 May, 2018 - 12:33AM

Sexybexy - if being subtle and saying I'd take a taxi home rather than I wouldn't go home with you cos I don't fancy you is being rude then what the heck is no f..in oil painting? And you admit to being guilty of this yourself!

7 members like this comment.

Aphrodite21 - 08 May, 2018 - 10:30PM

Narrow escape for you. Well done.

6 members like this comment.

Tarot - 08 May, 2018 - 09:07PM

The challenge here is that email/messaging lacks texture or the extra dimension of facial expression, so what seems funny to you and vice verse can seem rude to the recipient. I know very few people that thrive on rejection, so don’t expect anyone to like being rejected. All the more reason to keep everything courteous, and save the attempts at humour til you meet in person.

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 08 May, 2018 - 05:16PM

To be fair, both sexes are equally guilty of this kind of behaviour and not just confined to the men.

Personally, I prefer the "ugly truth" to a "beautiful lie" in most cases but of course there are ways of saying it without being hurtful.

3 members like this comment.

E. Edward Grey - 08 May, 2018 - 02:39PM

Believe me, some women can't handle it either. Love your phrase, "if you can't see yourself horizontally ....". Ive often said much the same words myself. It's a shame some people can't be a bit more mature and act with a little more grace.

6 members like this comment.

The Actress - 08 May, 2018 - 02:27PM

I was once (many moons ago), in the early stages of chatting by text to a guy; who seemed very witty and intelligent.

Comes that all important first date, so 'I suggest a venue about halfway between our respective homes, and this is what I got an hour or so before it was to take place...................

"I have changed my mind about meeting. I was interested in the sexual aspect, and would have been keen to go straight to that".

This from a gentleman (?), I hadn't even met!

You may imagine my response; it concerned my utter lack of desperation, and his complete lack of self esteem; (although, I have to admit that I might not have worded it quite so calmly or politely). LOL

I think we have to take all such occurrences, in the knowledge that this is a site where anything can happen, (and quite often does)! So what, if a few people behave disgracefully from behind the safety of a computer screen or smartphone; there are a great many others who are a delight to know!

7 members like this comment.

Ecclefechan - 08 May, 2018 - 12:55PM

As a man I would have to completely agree with you. Some men do not handle rejction at all well. However, the ‘control’ thing is not peculiarly male. It just manifests itself differently. Some ladies evidently get a kick out of the sharp put down too. Manners cost nothing but maybe its better that they betray their true nature at the outset.

4 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 08 May, 2018 - 12:30PM

Say no politely? In my opinion you were bl**dy rude. Here is a guy who has paid you a compliment and all you've done is given him a harsh brush off. No wonder he returned your insult in spades and blocked you. Good on him. I think the problem here is that those of us with, as my previous boss would say, robust SOHs can go too far especially when we try to joke with those who do not know us well. I know I have been guilty of this, and, in my early days, upset some men by my ripostes, mainly concerning my reactions to their photos. The subsequent blockings were not the marks of cowards but of hurt people I have learnt to be more circumspect in my reactions and suggest you do too.

7 members like this comment.

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