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Letters to Sara

Should I be worried?

Dear Sara

I'm after some advice on how to approach an issue I have with my current
IE, I join IE back in the summer and I connected with the most amazing
woman that I could ever have hopped to connect with and we've been having
an affair for over nine months now and everything has been wonderful. We
meet up whenever we can without any pressure, we've gone out for meals,
drinks, etc and we've even managed to go away together a few times.

This is my second affair but the first one where we've meet in this way, so
I started out not wanting anything too serious and determined not to get
too attached. However, after 9 months with an amazing woman it's difficult
not to get attached and my IE knows exactly how fond of her that I am. She
has had several IE's over the years and she got too attached to her first
IE, I don't know the details as she hasn't shared and I haven't wanted to
push it, but I do know that someone got hurt and I can only assume that it
was her and unfortunately this means that she is very guarded which means
that it can sometimes be very difficult to judge how she feels about me,
generally this is not a massive issue as I'm fairly secure within myself
however like most people I have times when I'm feel low and insecure and it
is at those times that it would be nice if she was less guarded.

Since having the affair my membership has expired and I have since closed
the account. However a friend of mine has recently separated from her
partner and was looking for something slightly more casual than a
relationship but something more than just casual sex, my friend is the one
other person who knows about my affair, so I suggested that she join IE
which she has done. When setting up her profile I showed her the IE profile
of my IE and I was pleased to see that she was well down the list and
clearly hadn't logged in for several months, which of course I was pleased
to see. However, I was recently feeling insecure and had a feeling that
something wasn't quite right so I asked my friend to check if my IE had
been on recently and was sad to learn that she had indeed been so I asked
my friend to check periodically and my IE has been on 4 times in the
last four and a half weeks.

Should I be concerned that my IE has recently started logging back on to IE
and also should I confront her about it? I don't think that she is seeing
anyone else but struggling to find any reasons why she has suddenly started
logging back on to IE, whenever we're together everything is great. I can
explain away the first instance of her logging on, checking if I am still
active on there or something like that, but now that it is starting to
happen on a regular I'm starting to getting slightly concerned. Also,
should I ask her about her first IE and the reason for her being so
guarded?

11 members like this.

Comments (43)

Cendrillon - 09 Aug, 2018 - 10:00PM

You have cause for concern. An honest conversation is in order. As to the wisdom of involving emotions in an affair - I would advise against. My affair partner and I came to love each other - his guilt over his emotional betrayal led to its conclusion. I now have a rule of engagement as to how often I will see someone before heading for the hills. Remember, these things operate in a bubble. Protect your heart .... self love, self care at all times.

sparklymasa - 17 Jul, 2018 - 11:47PM

Unfortunately sometimes we do fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same, and that sounds like your situation. Your will not get what you want, trust me I've been there, so you have no choice but to move on. But first have an open and honest conversation with them about it, you might find its certain issues that need to be resolved.

There are some quite brutal comments below from some members, but each to their own and that says more about them than you.

1 member likes this comment.

1237500-Deleted - 08 Jul, 2018 - 06:17PM

Even if every single person said you shouldn't be worried, you would be.

3 members like this comment.

Minhotep - 02 Jul, 2018 - 09:11PM

You are way too insecure to be using a site like this. It's an affair, not a marriage, people on here are often not strong on loyalty and you should not be surprised by that. Getting a friend to spy on her profile is distinctly stalkerish. Personally I never ask for exclusivity - I might not like the answer. If it bothers you that much it would be best for both of you to move on.

MysticalSunlight47 - 01 Jun, 2018 - 11:03AM

Somebody once dumped me as he had seen me online, on the website on which I met him. I had been online that day trying to get my profile deleted, as I felt a lot for this guy and wanted to take my profile off the site. He firmly believed I was online chatting to other guys, which was not the case, and he dumped me, but gave me a chance to "consider the situation", and knowing I was terribly upset, left me in silence for a week, when he suddenly got in touch again. It was terrible and I will never forget this treatment, but life moves on and checking up on somebody in this way will never, ever bring anybody any good. Give this up and find happiness or good times elsewhere. best wishes.

4 members like this comment.

Tipsyme - 28 May, 2018 - 09:24PM

It's hard to believe that this was written by a man but regardless you are most certainly not 'fairly secure' within yourself! Be happy you had some great times with the person, enjoy them while they last and then just let go and move on.

1 member likes this comment.

toecurler2 - 17 May, 2018 - 05:49PM

Looks like you cannot let go. This is not a dating-marriage site so go elsewhere and curb those very one-sided feelings.

Lets face it you split up for a reason in the past so why express surprise that she is looking for somebody new? And if you are so impassioned with her why are you trawling IE anyway?

4 members like this comment.

SofiaByzantium - 13 May, 2018 - 09:45AM

I have several things to say about this. Firstly, if she keeps writing/texting/calling AND she still turns up to your dates then she's bothered. Secondly, time will unravel all. So eventually you'll either continue to see each other or it will end. If you want to force the issue by having the 'Why have you been back on IE' conversation, then it'll probably end sooner than you think. Or want.

We come onto this site for sex. Some people want more than sex without it being a full blown leave your partner with all the horror and financial implications that brings. Sometimes we fall in love which happens out of the blue and the IE partner does not. But that is life and you will eventually get over it. And may I point out that this can happen when we least expect it. Sometimes in the middle of our IE liaison, the dynamics change for example, I saw a guy, we were blissfully happy, boxes ticked on every level. His wife out of the blue suddenly ran off with someone else! He wanted more. I didn't.

7 members like this comment.

captain883 - 05 May, 2018 - 04:30PM

What kind of relationship do you think you have? Do you realise that you are sneakily spying/checking up on a liaison without her knowing.

That is not the behaviour of a gentleman.

8 members like this comment.

Daddydom - 29 Apr, 2018 - 11:22AM

At the end of the day, an affair is only a compromise and no one owns anyone.

3 members like this comment.

Chillynuts - 22 Apr, 2018 - 05:45PM

instead of confronting her about her recent log in to i.e., it's a time for you to sit down with her and have a review of how the relationship is going.

People sometimes try to move on when they feel that they are not getting enough from a relationship or what they expect from it.

if after this discussion you both are able to get back together that should be fantastic. otherwise it is time for you to think that this is not going to work forever and should help your partner to move on as well.

1 member likes this comment.

1220024-Deleted - 22 Apr, 2018 - 10:42AM

I'm inclined to think not all of this is true.

4 members like this comment.

Passionata22 - 18 Apr, 2018 - 07:38PM

I think you are concerned whether you think you should be or not.
However I think the concern is more that this is getting out of hand for you and it is consuming you.
That is a worry indeed.

1 member likes this comment.

tulipsinspring - 14 Apr, 2018 - 06:52PM

I find this rather intriguing. I doubt he used a friend to check, more likely set up another profile.
I am also quite surprised by the comments of others saying this site is just for sexual encounters, fine if that is what you are looking for but there are some people who want more than that, a meaningful relationship. It sounds like he wants this as a long term relationship. Communication is key from the start, if you just want casual hookups then say that, if you want a more serious committed relationship then say so. Personally I have in the past been hurt by a man who I got very attached too, I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him, I fell in love, it hurt like hell when he dumped me!
Secondly someone said no one has the right to ask you for exclusivity, I disagree, I think both partners have that right. again it comes down to personal choice, I would only ever date one man and I would expect the same back, but thats just me.

28 members like this comment.

1109333-Deleted - 14 Apr, 2018 - 09:03AM

How you are feeling is probably nothing like your wife would be feeling if she found out all of this and your thoughts. Sooo why do you feel you deserve honesty and openness from your IE? Why should you be the only one she is seeing let’s face it most people come on here to meet sexual partners where does it say only 1?

4 members like this comment.

FriendlySteve - 11 Apr, 2018 - 01:21PM

It really does seem that both of you quite like each other.


But it looks as if neither of you will mention it or discuss it!


Any relationship usually benefits from a frank discussion between each other.

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 11 Apr, 2018 - 09:59AM

Perfect moments - 09 Apr, 2018 - 09:34PM
" It just doesn't sound real does it?"

Indeed not!
As well as the fact that a married man tells "a friend" he's on an adultery website!

5 members like this comment.

1185743-Deleted - 10 Apr, 2018 - 10:41PM

I am rather confused. Are you here to find a long life partner or an affair? I think you do not understand this site. This site is for encounters (sex). Serious relationships can not be part of it. If you are fallen for her get out of the relationship. She probably doesn't feel as strong about you as you are about her. Take it easy and try not to let emotions (unless you are in bed) to destroy a good encounter but if you can't control get out of the relationship.

2 members like this comment.

TheMaestro - 10 Apr, 2018 - 03:33PM

Of course she may be logging in to see who it is that keeps looking at her profile!

3 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 09 Apr, 2018 - 09:34PM

Exotic orchid 7.4.18
I also find that quite strange to set a profile up for a friend. It just doesn't sound real does it?

5 members like this comment.

Sexybexy - 09 Apr, 2018 - 06:52PM

Confront her? No. You need simply to talk about your mutual expectations and feelings for each other. I know this is the sort of thing most men dread, but it has to be done. Take a deep breath and get one with it!

4 members like this comment.

monkeyzoom7 - 09 Apr, 2018 - 05:09PM

Basically all you need to do is ask her, be prepared to lost her because if she thinks you’ve been checking back into IE to spy on her, well I think most people will react badly.

At the end of it all it’s an affair, not marriage.
Treat her with respect and if she wants to move on there’s nothing you can do.

Good luck pal

2 members like this comment.

Twilight Lady - 08 Apr, 2018 - 02:00PM

Many of us, while in exclusive IE relationships like to log in to read the letters, although they have been very sparse recently!
Why is that Sarah??

19 members like this comment.

The Actress - 08 Apr, 2018 - 10:49AM

If I were your Lady, and I read this letter, I'd run a mile!!

You're BOTH free agents, BOTH tied to a family, (which is how it should be), so don't take things so seriously! Try to have fun, isn't that why you came here?

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 07 Apr, 2018 - 07:10PM

Sounds to me like you are *already* worried!!!

2 members like this comment.

camellia - 07 Apr, 2018 - 06:21PM

I fully understand your frustrations! Try to talk to her about it as there might be a genuine reason for it. I would agree with some of the others that it sounds like your in too deep, its lovely that you've found someone you care about but you gotta remember why we're all on here!

DoraCampion - 07 Apr, 2018 - 01:12PM

If I were you , I d be feeling pretty upset too . I think you both need to talk it out . Communication is the way to go !

2 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 07 Apr, 2018 - 12:49PM

Perfect moments - 05 Apr, 2018 - 06:23PM
Summerbelle - 05 Apr, 2018 - 06:52PM

You can definitely read the letters and the comments but it's true you can't write a letter or comment without at least having a profile set up ... unless he's using his "friend" to post it for him [bet his IE will be thrilled to find out about all this ... not!!!][not sure I believe this "helping a friend to set up her IE profile, etc business though].

5 members like this comment.

dobadthings - 07 Apr, 2018 - 09:41AM

'50 is the new 49' nails it. Did you discuss whether the relationship was to be an exclusive one? If not, she has every right to assume it isn't. Also, are you using condoms? If you are having unprotected sex, you should be sure that the relationship is exclusive...

3 members like this comment.

We have not met yet! - 07 Apr, 2018 - 12:52AM

Enjoy the moments, God knows I have;).....you joined for a wonderful affair not a new partner in marriage.....

2 members like this comment.

White Sage - 06 Apr, 2018 - 08:52PM

If the time you are spending still feels special and worthwhile, then do nothing.
It could be something as simple as curiosity and looking for answers by invading her privacy will make her more guarded in future.
All human beings should love in a way that makes them feel free. Nobody actually owns anybody at all so why not just leave her to it and be present with her as and when in the moment.
He first ever IE has been and gone. Their memories are theirs and theirs alone so do not pry. If and when she wants to open up then allow her to to do when she feels ready without prompting. 💛

3 members like this comment.

1146803-Deleted - 06 Apr, 2018 - 04:30PM

Hi I'm also involved with a lovely man, the best guy ever from on here. I'm a sara letter fan as well. I also tell anyone that leaves me messages that i am taken and I have also put on my profile that I am seeing someone. He's also put it on his as well Just because we're both married doesn't mean we're unfaithful to each other. Sadly if you are feeling you have to check up on her do you really trust her? Maybe it's time for an honest open chat.good luck

3 members like this comment.

OutOfTime69 - 06 Apr, 2018 - 02:36PM

When I first separated I used IE and met another separated woman with whom I started a regular sexual relationship. I stayed off the site for several months, then logged on one day to check my account and look into ways of suspending it, as I wanted to keep the liaison between us only.

The next day i got a text from the woman in question accusing me of looking for other women and never had any further contact from her - basically she dumped me, regardless of the justifications I tried to explain to her.

The thing that pissed me off was that she must have clearly have been tracking my actions on the site, which also raised questions in my mind about why she was still using it.

The bottom line is - men and women are equally capable of being deceitful and putting their own interests first, even when the apparent "security" of being open about your own deceits leaves you feeling you can trust the other person in "sharing" that secret and respects it.

Don't take it personally. Human nature is human n

12 members like this comment.

1221837-Deleted - 05 Apr, 2018 - 11:48PM

If she said that was looking for an exclusive relationship (outside of her marriage), but continues to look for additional lovers, I would be rather peeved.
If that was never her intention (as it isn’t for many on here), you are not in any position to challenge her.

I would say it depends on what she has told you that she wanted / and could offer in return.

Did she say that she wanted an exclusive affair?

2 members like this comment.

amber57 - 05 Apr, 2018 - 06:54PM

well, as you have been on here,than had 2th thoughts ,but find out now that you partner has doing the same,well 1 she might like to have just a male friend nothing serious, 2,why dont yo invite her for a weekend away and admit you know but also tell her u have been on there also , and than maybe you both find out what is missin.
not always it is the intimitate part, it could be the closeness you once had , conversations and the spontean adidute u both missing, than you maybe can plan something together to change that, spying on her would drive u nuts and it could also go pretty emotional.
think abouth...
Regards
Amber

Summerbelle - 05 Apr, 2018 - 06:52PM

I'm a little confused. If you've closed your account how did you manage to post a letter or view the responses?

7 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 05 Apr, 2018 - 06:23PM

If you have closed your account down how come you have written this letter ?
Don't you have to be an active member to write on this page?
Just curious....

2 members like this comment.

JolieLaide - 05 Apr, 2018 - 05:50PM

If she had changed her IE user name, you would never have known any of this. Likewise, for all she knows, you could have rejoined with a new user name a while ago. I really feel for you as I have been in a similar position, but doubts and jealousies do not have to be indulged. Try to live in the moment and enjoy your time together without thinking too much about what she does or doesn't get up to when you are not around.

1 member likes this comment.

1109333-Deleted - 05 Apr, 2018 - 03:31PM

Why would you expect openness and honesty the relationship is based on deceit due to being on this site. Why would it be any different in how you treat an IE to how husbands/wives/partners are being treated or do you think partners in crime have the right to respect and honesty - I don’t think so

4 members like this comment.

1144348-Deleted - 05 Apr, 2018 - 03:00PM

Good grief! Have I just wandered into a strange alternate reality where I feel that - yes, you've guessed it - I'm back in the school playground!

1 member likes this comment.

Secondhand Rose - 05 Apr, 2018 - 01:44PM

I'm in a steady relationship with my IE, and have been for some time now, but I too, pop in from time to time----why?

I'm a "Letters to Sara" junkie; I love these columns, I've even been known to complain, if there's a long wait, for new letters to be posted!

Seriously though, if you let the green-eyed monster trick you into the habit of checking up on your lover, it's the beginning of the end, I'm afraid.

As "tea_coffee_me" says---you've no rights over this Lady. Enjoy yourself whilst you may, but don't forget that your loyalty, (and hers), belongs to your family!

As for quizzing her about her first IE? Don't go there! This isn't a marriage; it's an affair! For your sake, and hers, LIGHTEN UP!

11 members like this comment.

secret.wish - 05 Apr, 2018 - 12:41PM

If you're feeling jealous or worried, you are probably in too deep, I'd be more worried about that.

5 members like this comment.

tea_coffee_me_ - 05 Apr, 2018 - 11:03AM

You are having an affair, you have no rights of that person nor that person over you.

They can be on here, and see as many people as they like, so can you.

Yes if the affair is not going as she wishes, and wishes to end it (or add to it) it would be great for her to be a grown up and say, its time for us to move on, however few are grown up enough to do that.

She may be wishing to see others (as you may not be able to meet up as often as she would like, one of the reasons I see more than one) or for other reasons.

Enjoy what you have for as long as you have it with your wonderful IE.
Always expect the last time you see your IE to be the last time, anything else is a bonus :-)

As stated, you have no rights over her, nor her over you ....

6 members like this comment.

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