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Letters to Sara

Profiles With Personality and Panache

I have encountered a number of correspondents on this forum, who seem unhappy about the small number of responses they have been getting. There appears to be some dissatisfaction, that it is reportedly difficult for a number to elicit any interesting connections.

Now, what might be at the root of the alleged problem?

I would suggest it may be the sameness of countless profiles. If someone writes, 'I am looking for a like-minded person ', but omits to describe aspects of his/ her own mindset or personality, then the reader cannot glean any information from that particular profile and he/she will simply scroll on. All too often, the profile relies lazily upon the tick box profile-wizard, apparently assuming that the reader were a mind-reader and could fill in the blanks.

Frankly, if someone wrote, for example, 'I hate cornflakes', that would show some individuality and it might engender a conversation, as opposed to blasting one's reader with a bunch of generic adjectives from a ready-made drop-down menu. Therefore, uploaders of any mediocre, bland or terse profiles should not be altogether surprised, if others choose to scroll right past their profile.

Communication is key and words do matter: every syllable, nuance and inflection. There is an allure in planting a delicious image into the mind of your reader, and it is seductive for a reader to be drawn into an engagingly scripted profile.

A number have asked me to help them re-draft and sharpen up the text of their profile on other platforms, and this appears to have yielded them better and more interesting responses.

I must say, I have received some great replies and I have met highly engaging, charming, sexy and intelligent people since signing up here.

I would therefore like to reiterate that everyone's first point of contact on a dating site is none other but his/ her profile. For this reason, perhaps a fair number of readers might like to consider writing more of their
uniqueness into their profile.

The extra effort may make all the difference, and it could assist you in meeting wonderful, warm and witty people, of which there is no shortage on platforms such as this.

So please do not give up, and instead, try to add a bit more oomph to your profile. Someone out there will be more likely to notice.

All best wishes,
Elegant Flower

53 members like this.

Comments (67)

PenelopePitstop - 20 Dec, 2017 - 02:24PM

I hate cornflakes...... : )

Really!!! - 23 Aug, 2017 - 07:47AM

I confess to being one of those people who often does not reply to messages, it is clear that many men just do not read profiles before sending messages - regardless of how long/short the recipients profile is.

My profile says I'm looking for someone local but 90% of my messages come from men hundreds of miles away.

Also, I'm looking for regular meets with one man (a secret affair/relationship) but men tend to message asking for sex meets.

I wish there was a better filter system for messages so that I can block messages from afar and from men looking for hook-ups.

VKs are just lazy, if someone is interested they should just send a message.

And ... what is with that wizard profile thing? If men cannot be bothered to write a out a profile (it takes seconds) I simply won't reply.

However, I do communicate with local men who are looking for the same thing as I am. Less messages? Yes. But quality is far better than quantity

5 members like this comment.

richard123 - 21 Aug, 2017 - 10:56AM

never fake it, always tell truth and have current pics.

if you are actually going to meet! XX

FriendlySteve - 16 Aug, 2017 - 11:13AM

It is quite difficult to write a profile for a wide range of people who you don't know ( yet ).

If I knew who was reading then I could write something far better.

So I am left to write a rather bland profile intended to suit a wide range of different people but no one in particular.

My experience, like most males here I expect, is that very few will reply to me and even fewer contact me first. Oddly perhaps mostly those from somewhere obviously too far away for any meeting to be likely.

A few have liked my profile and a few have not liked it. Although to actually get anyone to say why or to suggest improvements seems difficult. So I just leave it as it is!

marklondonengland - 15 Aug, 2017 - 07:56PM

Absolutely, avoid cliches is a good start... rock the boat and others are just a bit lazy and lack imagination :-)

1149798-Deleted - 08 Aug, 2017 - 06:16PM

You've got 2 choices haven't you - lie through your teeth and then reply to loads of shallow people who ghost you when you eventually swap pictures.

Or take the chance, tell the truth but get less replies to your messages.

I prefer the latter and find it's a good filter.....

7 members like this comment.

Raquel12 - 04 Aug, 2017 - 08:02AM

hmm, all quiet now. I can't think myself of a new letter to write, but it's about time for a new one...

13 members like this comment.

1153069-Deleted - 03 Aug, 2017 - 09:15AM

I've not had any problems making lovely connections. People also judge how you write, the vocabulary you use and whether you appear to be rude or crass.

Almost everyone who I spoke to has said the same thing - how refreshing it is to meet somebody who doesn't go straight in for the sex talk.

My first tip would be that you can't fake it! Women know if they are speaking to somebody nice / genuine and much of it comes across in that very first message

The first bite is with the eye :)


8 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 02 Aug, 2017 - 12:11PM

Mr_Spigott - couldn't help offering some 'advice' re your profile. Message sent. You're welcome.

1056346-Deleted - 21 Jul, 2017 - 09:59PM

Avoid profiles with numbered lists of likes and dislikes and over long profiles.

9 members like this comment.

1056346-Deleted - 21 Jul, 2017 - 09:44PM

@anais nin are you really an essayist and memoirist born to Cuban parents? I had thought you were the daughter of Michael Ninn but realize you do not have enough n's :-)

1 member likes this comment.

1147517-Deleted - 20 Jul, 2017 - 07:23PM

Any comments on mine are welcome - I've tried to make mine a bit different and 90% of the messages I send are being ignored.

5 members like this comment.

You're there and I'm here - 19 Jul, 2017 - 09:47PM

Hey people. I'm a tad late with this thread, sorry! I'm not sure my profile is panache, but it is different! Comments more than welcomed....

1 member likes this comment.

nonsensical - 19 Jul, 2017 - 04:52PM

@ anais nin
I would welcome an honest profile.
But lets face it.... people (men & women) like to be sold a dream or fantasy. It's unfortunate, but it is the true nature of the human psyche to look for, and want the nicer things in life.
Not sure if buck teeth, smelly breath, farts a lot and oily hair, would attract many ladies. Not to say that these traits are not normal, or even describe myself, but I feel it would put off a lot of people. LOL

2 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 18 Jul, 2017 - 12:34PM

And anything that reads like a job spec. &....'my friends would describe me as.......' That's another ???? bother. The use of Latin or Greek. There's probably more but enuff crankiness for one (sunny) day......

5 members like this comment.

Celestial608 - 18 Jul, 2017 - 12:27PM

It's personal (obvs) but......guys....the ones who describe themselves in the third person as some kind of motor vehicle?? Really???? It's not big, it's not clever & IMHO it's not a grown up thing to do. Rant over.

8 members like this comment.

483461-Deleted - 17 Jul, 2017 - 08:19PM

It is, as they say, all about being somebody's espresso rather than everybody's cup of tea. My words get both complimentary and derogatory comments - which isn't to say that I've got it right but we can only try....

3 members like this comment.

Tarot - 17 Jul, 2017 - 10:53AM

I believe your profile should just reflect you, the challenge is some are on here because of the tedium of their lives and that seeps through. The further challenge is honesty about yourself and what you desire in another. I am please to see more people actually saying that to meet up is often difficult, that log fires and country pubs are not always that easy and our expectations of each other need to be tempered by at the thought of a rainy Saturday in October.

3 members like this comment.

adrian_0071 - 16 Jul, 2017 - 04:55PM

As a man I appreciate a concise but well written profile , I find it a shame that so many of the ladies on here seem to think that all men want is to take a pretty woman to an overpriced stuffy as they term it fine dining restaurant , Give me pizza express anyday ! , I am looking for a woman who says in her profile that it is the company you keep that counts , the surroundings are immaterial if you are with the right person .

12 members like this comment.

bemygoddessbemymuse - 13 Jul, 2017 - 09:23PM

Humorous. Finally I wrote a brilliant profile, confirmed by Southerners, who also grasp the grain of salt, then it is shunned by Northerners. Coming from a place without class system, can anyone explain whether there is some class issue going on here?

1156300-Deleted - 13 Jul, 2017 - 07:02AM

@ anais nin - absolutely! I was stuck at the lights the other day and spotted an advert on the back of a lorry suggesting something similar; 'If you can't be yourself you'll make a lousy somebody else'. :-)

4 members like this comment.

1156300-Deleted - 10 Jul, 2017 - 07:09PM

Perhaps rather than browsing through the infinite number of profiles using the search facility, I should restrict my quest for a lover to only include folk who have written letters to Sara or commented ;-) The letters page opens up a whole new avenue of opportunities to engage with folk.

5 members like this comment.

anais nin - 09 Jul, 2017 - 08:25PM

What sheer rubbish so many of you write.......why on earth cannot we bring our true authentic self to this site .....the amount of constructed profiles engineered to attract a certain type on this site astound me....dont you know most people with any kind of pragmatic common sense will see through a flimsy charade in no time.....isnt it much wiser and nicer to be ones true self from the beginning and see what happpens......

15 members like this comment.

1156300-Deleted - 09 Jul, 2017 - 03:41PM

Clearly I am no wordsmith but I've been on and off this site for a few years now. I'm looking for humour and thoughtfulness in a person's profile. Something to indicate that the lady has given her profile, and the whole business of embarking on an affair, a great deal of thought. Obviously it takes a degree of imagination and effort to have a successful affair and if someone is too lazy to put a reasonable description on their profile then what does that illustrate?

3 members like this comment.

bemygoddessbemymuse - 09 Jul, 2017 - 09:54AM

@secret.wish: if that were true I would have a wonderful affair. I have written at least 5 profiles texts, each time trying sometimes failing, to asymptote to a better one.

1153644-Deleted - 06 Jul, 2017 - 12:33PM

No end of profiles start with lists all sorts of admirably attractive personal qualities. So I conclude that they are all written by really fabulously personable, lovely people (apart from the sheer fibbers).... But you to have to be brave and put in the first line or two what you want because when viewing profile summaries all you see are the first few lines until opening the whole profile up. So its really is a bit like marketing - if you don't get your want/desire/offering stated clearly and quickly at the start you might not get noticed.. and then the profile won't be expanded to full view.... and then less interest!

1 member likes this comment.

bemygoddessbemymuse - 03 Jul, 2017 - 07:58PM

If and only if one accuses someone of plagiarizing his profile, then it would be ace to back up the accusation with some proof (ie via googling or turnitin). Otherwise, the writer of the profile should probably take it as a compliment?

1 member likes this comment.

Mothy - 01 Jul, 2017 - 04:16PM

I quite agree. We can't all express ourselves in prose, or to degree standard for that matter. Some of us need a hand, someone who can put into words what we are about. Its not making it up, just the truth in a different style. Elegant Flower's bang on the money, she does a good job- Ought to be employed by IE as professional writer. Gets my vote anyway.

The Actress - 29 Jun, 2017 - 07:29PM

@ just the one

Oooops! 😘

bemygoddessbemymuse - 29 Jun, 2017 - 09:11AM

My profile changes with my moods. I am not a robot so I have moods, good and bad ones. Mostly good and ironic, given some silver hairs, mostly found in my stubble. Anything goes. The birds still fly. I just checked.

1 member likes this comment.

Boredman535 - 26 Jun, 2017 - 01:24PM

@zara411 too busy taking great profile pics ;-)

3 members like this comment.

1107447-Deleted - 24 Jun, 2017 - 01:14PM

@ The Actress

"Set your tone to attract like minded men, who will engage with you, that's what you want, isn't it??"

No. I'm a bloke.

6 members like this comment.

bemygoddessbemymuse - 20 Jun, 2017 - 07:43PM

I used to have poetry in my profile, received hate mail or the opposite from people 1000 miles away or, even worse, people who made contact but could not be bothered to read the poetry. Have you read it? No. Can't be bothered anymore. Unless you ask then I will lead you forward.

My earlier response to this post was critical and in disagreement, for other and very sensible reasons, but being critical is not allowed here. Sounds like May's internet censoring is already in place at IE. Magnificent: we love shallowness and all this hyper positivity.

3 members like this comment.

SoftToffee - 20 Jun, 2017 - 01:51PM

I always skip over wizard profiles. Hate them to the core. With mine I got a female friend to red pen my first draft, and boy it stank the place out. My revised draft is more me. Can't recommend high enough the need to revise or review profiles on a regular basis. I've seen some profiles have not changed one dot for years on end.

4 members like this comment.

The Actress - 19 Jun, 2017 - 05:10PM

@ just the one.

So "an elegant, witty, engaging profile is exactly what some people hate", is it?

Great!! That gets rid of the P.Wizzers, for you, at a stroke. Set your tone to attract like minded men, who will engage with you, that's what you want, isn't it??

2 members like this comment.

Blkfist3r - 19 Jun, 2017 - 12:35PM

My profile is quite specific as I've not got the time to tease out someone's hidden desires. It's long but I'm actually very succinct in person and I do say that. I've only ever had one annoying comment which is pretty good going. It's the pretenders and jokers that try my patience.
A well crafted profile stands out. It doesn't take much effort to keep coming back and redrafting/ honing.

IE is about sex at the end of the day, so why not say a bit more about your desires? Is it just the old british thing of not talking about it openly? All my lovers I've met through here love the fact that I'm open and honest/warm etc, and I've been attracting just the right types for me.

4 members like this comment.

1143973-Deleted - 19 Jun, 2017 - 02:42AM

Whilst agreeing that a profile needs to be interesting to attract attention , I really don't want to be sucked in by well crafted purple prose.I'd much rather meet someone who is honest and actually accurately describes themselves instead of leading you up the garden path. I've been on a number of sites in the last few years ,and there are unfortunately a number of strange fantasists who create different well scripted profiles and personas,to what end I do not know, .A person whose face I recognised from another site messaged me not realising I had already chatted last year.Location and blurb different .Claimed to be not to be the same person .Disguising your identity discreetly is one thing ,but multiple personality syndrome is another!.A well crafted profile might get you interest but means nothing unless you actually live up to the promise in reality .

8 members like this comment.

barb55 - 18 Jun, 2017 - 08:53PM

I am another that thought I was alone in thinking that a vk was the lazy option. Together with the "I've used the pre set options to compile my profile" as the ultimate lazy option. I thought long and hard over my profile so a virtual kids doesn't appeal

1 member likes this comment.

Classycougar - 18 Jun, 2017 - 07:19PM

@The Actress
Hey, thanks for the promo....wondered why I'd suddenly got so many messages!!😊

3 members like this comment.

1107447-Deleted - 17 Jun, 2017 - 02:08PM

I agree entirely - but not everybody does. I have received more than a few terse and even downright rude responses from people saying my profile is 'wordy', 'long-winded' and 'doesn't get to the point'. More than a few have said 'we're all here for the same thing', which I completely disagree with.

The point is, an elegant, witty, engaging profile is exactly what some people hate. You just can't please everyone.

7 members like this comment.

The Actress - 14 Jun, 2017 - 09:29AM

@classy cougar:

Having read your letter, I had to take a sneaky peek at your profile! Written like a true PR lady---attractive, enticing, (when they turn it into a movie, can I play You, please?) LOL

Everyone else, go look! Take a leaf out of this Lady's book!

5 members like this comment.

secret.wish - 14 Jun, 2017 - 07:45AM

@zara - if you're too busy to spend 5 mins on a few words on your profile, you're certainly too busy for an affair. You get out what you put in.

11 members like this comment.

Friend2Hug - 13 Jun, 2017 - 12:57PM

As much as anything else, no-one likes a first message which is bland and formulaic - the best such messages are ones which are personalised to the recipient and show that the sender has bothered to read their profile and to give a little thought to what they're writing.

It's almost impossible to do that with a profile that's bland and underwritten and says nothing much, because there's nothing in it to hang an interesting and personalised first message onto.

5 members like this comment.

TeachYou - 13 Jun, 2017 - 12:13PM

I get a few letters, which I am unable to read, so hopefully I have got it right. I think it's important to SHOW you've got a sense of humour rather than just saying you have.

2 members like this comment.

1099254-Deleted - 13 Jun, 2017 - 11:37AM

In my case, made no difference whatsoever. You try to be honest and honesty bites you back.

3 members like this comment.

sferena - 13 Jun, 2017 - 08:54AM

@The Actress- Loved the you way you put it!! *claps*

Classycougar - 12 Jun, 2017 - 11:38PM

I get loads of comments on my profile...even from guys who know there is no realistic chance of us getting together because of distance!
It's written from the heart and says exactly what I am, and what I'm looking for.
It has certainly been well worth the effort I put into it!!

6 members like this comment.

originalwoman - 12 Jun, 2017 - 11:23PM

I will overlook proximity and anything else.....if a guy's profile comes across as thoughtful and somewhat descriptive as well as hinting how he is a warm, real person. There has to be enough to hint at some character traits I find attractive and depth and this does come across in what and how language is used. Intelligent women sense the man behind his words. The men who describe themselves as alpha males...a huge turn off for me....ditto those well used phrases..."suited and booted"...or..."scrub up for the occasion"......neither did I enjoy one guys intricately described seduction scene.

3 members like this comment.

Zara411 - 12 Jun, 2017 - 11:23PM

A short profile could also mean the person is extremely busy. Not necessarily lazy. Some people lead very busy lives away from ie

2 members like this comment.

Zara411 - 12 Jun, 2017 - 11:20PM

I prefer people to write however they wish to write. You can see a more truer profile of them that way.

Besides it would be so boring if everyone sounded the same.

I think its our differences that makes the world more interesting.

And the great thing about this site is that it gives us a chance to meet the types of people we never would have bumped into in our usual life routines.

2 members like this comment.

Teicu - 12 Jun, 2017 - 08:11PM

Sunbed320 seriously!
People are shy
I have never met a shy person behind a computer screen

2 members like this comment.

bemygoddessbemymuse - 12 Jun, 2017 - 05:35PM

Agree. Consider this one: (triple) cheating and rude on IE: same in real life!

1 member likes this comment.

secret.wish - 12 Jun, 2017 - 09:43AM

Profile wizard - the curse of IE

7 members like this comment.

sunbed320 - 11 Jun, 2017 - 11:57PM

Too harsh, Teicu! Some people are shy, or just not very talented at writing. Elegant Flower, your offer of editorial help to other members is heartwarming. Beware though, you may get inundated!

Gymfit8 - 11 Jun, 2017 - 10:11PM

The more you put into any profile whether single or married, the accurate the person you will find and get on with

1 member likes this comment.

N224 - 11 Jun, 2017 - 12:29PM

I agree, but clearly it still needs to be said!

livingfornow - 10 Jun, 2017 - 06:27AM

Elegant Flower

I completely agree.

There are many profiles you could swap with each other they are so similar...

Which is partly why I put in my profile I really wasn't interested in hearing what restaurants anyone wants to eat in, or their liking for good food/wine, but who they are. Yes, of course I may switch 'lookers' off wanting to get in touch because of my honesty, but perhaps they are not the characters who'd suit me or vice verse.

I'm sure this goes both ways.

So let's see some more great stuff about who you are, what floats your boats, why you are fab to spend time with...

3 members like this comment.

The Actress - 10 Jun, 2017 - 12:00AM

I think that everyone should write whatever kind of profile they wish to write--no rules to conform to, just whatever they feel is OK for them.

That way, those of us who value an erudite effort, can shy away from folk who "profile wizard" their way through this site (and maybe life, as well). On the other hand, they too can shy away from those of our number, who value exposition, and explanation.

Some (mainly men I suspect), sign-on, "wizard up" a sketchy profile, go rampaging through the site, dropping VK's like confetti, and then sit back and wait for the responses to flood in! It's a bit like going fishing--with dynamite! Lob in a couple of sticks, BOOM, and then wait to see what floats to the surface!!

OK, I suppose if you wanna date a dead fish! LOL

Me? I don't care to proscribe anyone, by being too descriptive of my desires, or wants, I like to keep an open mind, and am prepared to give almost anyone the benefit of the doubt.

I've met some fascinating men, that way!!

10 members like this comment.

Kingsgambit - 09 Jun, 2017 - 09:02PM

Teicu, while it does seem obvious what Elegant Flower has written it is very true. There are many profiles where the person has stated I would describe myself as ABC and not bothered to state their likes and dislikes. I have tried messaging these profiles occasionally but have had no luck so now I don't bother. The only profiles I'm interested in are the ones where someone has actually bothered to fill it in properly. These are the ones where their personality comes through and allows you to start a better conversation with them especially if you have something in common.

2 members like this comment.

amber57 - 09 Jun, 2017 - 04:26PM

that's is a bit harsh what you saying!
every one can have a reason if they write all their personality into one sentence,or if they just like to get the computer state what is in the personality, you are can not judge people of lazy in life or IE.
you do not even have met nor know that person.
so what right , do you have to judge those , when you not even know them? express yourself or explain it proper what do you mean , in what you think lazy,do u met them or heard or know those ......?

amber57 - 09 Jun, 2017 - 04:18PM

HI , its not only the profile ,its how people talk to you, via/versa
i,find out having none pictures, only the wizzard, got more friendly conversations, appart from 1 guy we talked he even gave me his email , till i have, a day before put 2 pictures on, gave him the password, got blocked.
cest la vie, and some write so much but when u meet them its not the same person.in hights or slimline, or so on, so say thank you , but no thank you , i still try to talk to them , but know full well , nothing will come out of it

1 member likes this comment.

Tantalising - 09 Jun, 2017 - 03:06PM

Hi you obviously have not taken a glance at my well composed profile !!

Ice Queen00 - 09 Jun, 2017 - 02:54PM

Agree @teicu ! Mine has evolved according to experience....get a lot of responses, common sense really 👌🏼

Speaknow - 09 Jun, 2017 - 12:48PM

Believe me it makes little difference whether it's a sparse or full profile. I have first hand experience and can vouch for that.

1 member likes this comment.

Speaknow - 09 Jun, 2017 - 12:35PM

More likely a sparse profile is the outcome of beings fed up with the equally poor lack of response to an earlier, fuller profile. Believe me ....it makes no difference.

1 member likes this comment.

Ganfor - 09 Jun, 2017 - 12:27PM

The truth of the matter here is that it is a futile gesture to write a long, and elegant profile because at the end of it all people are too shallow, and only look at you for how physically attractive you are. You could be a professor of English literature, but if you look like a bag of spanners, you've got no chance!

9 members like this comment.

Teicu - 08 Jun, 2017 - 07:52PM

Elegant flower

Is this not obvious stuff! A profile lacking in anything to me comes across as lazy. Lazy on IE, lazy in life

13 members like this comment.

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