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Letters to Sara

Rules of Communication

Dear Sara,

What are the 4 simple rules of communication, that help you to meet the right kind of potential lover, here on IE?
In theory, mine would be———
1. Always put your “intended”s name at the start of any opening message. (Forget the headline; they’re never going to see it) 
2.Never send out a bunch of VK’s then sit back and see who responds. Thats just plain lazy!
3.Write a real profile; don’t just use the “profile wizard” gizmo; say enough on it to interest others, without necessarily going into a huge amount of detail. (and use paragraphs, a dense lump of text can be off-putting).
4.Tell the truth; because (unless you’re a professional performer), you’ll never manage to keep up your “alternate" image, which means you can never truly relax.

There IS one more, but since I never use it myself, for fear of rejection, I didn’t include it——“Don’t just wait to be contacted, go out there and start looking”

It would be very interesting to see what others value most!

13 members like this.

Comments (51)

Sarah19 - 21 Feb, 2017 - 12:43PM

An adulterer is devoid of human decency, courtesy and honesty to their partners in most cases I think there must be very few of us who have the blessing of our partners to conduct relationships through this site. So while I am not advocating being devoid of courtesy and human decency I am still surprised there are so many comments on here expecting honesty, commitment and decency

2 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 20 Feb, 2017 - 04:33PM

An adulterer doesn't have to be devoid of all human decency and courtesy towards others.

11 members like this comment.

repeat offender - 19 Feb, 2017 - 11:04AM

surely most are here for what is missing at home..in my case sex and the thrill of kissing and touching..but this is a sex shop of sorts. If the sex is crap or when you tire of a partner go shopping.We owe nothing to IEs its our partners we lie and cheat on...if we get hurt that our fault our duty is to not hurt those at home.Men tend to want their monies worth, don't fall for the its you i care about , I'm not seeing other BS play the game too.

3 members like this comment.

Sarah19 - 18 Feb, 2017 - 02:04PM

My point was very simply that to be on this site we are all able to lie and deceive therefore why expect people to behave any differently here? For people who are lying to partners and spouses why do we deserve any better? I find it astonishing that people think it's ok to lie to others but expect honesty and commitment themselves - just saying

1 member likes this comment.

EROS8 - 18 Feb, 2017 - 12:21PM

I have written before about one issue (& so strongly it wasn't reproduced) which is endorsed by many and particularly my learned friend ExoticOrchid. It was a suggestion but far from a rule................we all try and make contact with someone but why, oh, why, if you don't want to continue/talk/communicate/chat blah blah WHY CANT YOU SEND ONE MESSAGE SAYING "END" so every one of knows where we stand. Pipe dream of mine and some others..............if people (women and men) can't even say please and thank you what hope do the civilised amongst us have?

8 members like this comment.

EROS8 - 18 Feb, 2017 - 12:19PM

Rules? THERE ARE NO RULES of communication. Rules are created by people in power who either enforce them themselves, or get others to do it for them.
On a site such as this there are no rules regarding creating a profile; replying; or not replying, because there is nobody to ensure rules are obeyed. IE staff lay down guidelines and want to know about rude, disgusting people etc., which is right, but what you put in your profile/reply is entirely up to the sender, how you word it, what you include etc. Everybody on here could be lying through their teeth; there are no rules about that, and each of us wouldn't know any different initially.
By the very nature of the site many people are hiding themselves........they don't want to give recognisable bits away, and who they want, for many, is just a dream. For everyone who finds one genuine winner on here how many fall by the wayside?
We can only have individual rules that we apply to ourselves, and hope any possible genuine suitor may be of the same ilk.

4 members like this comment.

elizawarr - 18 Feb, 2017 - 11:01AM

"I am first and foremost a person with feelings, not a lust object" [M/F]

2 members like this comment.

Sarah19 - 17 Feb, 2017 - 06:48PM

My point was why expect honesty and commitment from people who are knowingly being dishonest to spouses and partners why would anyone expect anything different. I certainly don't and am surprised anyone would. I think it is being realistic

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 17 Feb, 2017 - 12:15PM

Another Life - 17 Feb, 2017 - 10:21AM

You are welcome! ;-)

Moosedanglers - 17 Feb, 2017 - 12:12PM

There are no rules on IE from how I see other users treat me. But I believe in mutual respect and treating others well. That's why I hate those that block me after viewing my pictures - its just adding insult to a rejection which I am happy to take on the chin, when I am merely sending a message of good will and luck!

3 members like this comment.

Harlot73 - 17 Feb, 2017 - 12:01PM

Don't be a fantasist!

1 member likes this comment.

Sarah19 - 17 Feb, 2017 - 11:33AM

My point was that if we are being dishonest to a spouse or partner why would we not be to an IE
Why would we as an IE expect or deserve honesty when we are inherently dishonest ourselves
Embarking on an affair in this way is dishonest

Another Life - 17 Feb, 2017 - 10:21AM

@ ExoticOrchid - Thank you, I couldn't have put it better myself x

@ Classycougar - You have been lucky then :-) x

3 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 16 Feb, 2017 - 11:24PM

Another Life - 16 Feb, 2017 - 01:59PM

The way I see it, dishonesty to a partner/spouse is a necessity once you have embarked on the adultery route. However, dishonesty to an IE is by choice and not a necessity.

I personally expect the kind of honesty from an IE in terms of being told what he is looking for and also, of being told when he has had enough and wants to move on. Just disappearing without a word is cowardly and there is no need for it.

16 members like this comment.

Classycougar - 16 Feb, 2017 - 11:18PM

So much cynicism and bitterness here.
If that is how some people feel I suggest you cancel your profiles and pursue whatever makes you happy!
For my part I have been very lucky to have met a few men over the years who I have had affectionate, caring fun and mutually exciting relationships with.
It just takes time and tenacity to find your match, and yes, honesty, even if it is painful, when you do, in order to get the best out of the affair!!

1 member likes this comment.

Another Life - 16 Feb, 2017 - 06:28PM

Just to be clear, I did mean my last comment to be sarcastic - I don't hold with the idea that because we are here all decent behaviour has to fly out the window. If I was going to be intimate with someone then I would very much like to think that he was a decent person (apart from the obvious of course). I can't believe that anyone would not want the same??

3 members like this comment.

Another Life - 16 Feb, 2017 - 04:08PM

In fact yes, let's have a free for all - let's be as dishonest as we can to everyone on here and in life - how is anyone meant to have a meaningful affair with that attitude. I've read that it can happen, it just seems that maybe it's a myth!

Another Life - 16 Feb, 2017 - 01:59PM

Honesty between thieves?? We're here for lots of different reasons - who cares if we're dishonest to our partners and to our contacts. This is just a free for all isn't it???

3 members like this comment.

stevebe500 - 16 Feb, 2017 - 01:41PM

Yes of course there is a mismatch between the dishonesty necessary to embark upon a secret affaire and the level of honesty/transparency that is necessary to sustain one. If we feel the overriding need to have an affaire and we value and wish to protect our domestic arrangements then dishonesty towards our spouse is the price that we must pay. Its not pretty is it? But I don't know what the alternative is. Do you?

3 members like this comment.

Sarah19 - 16 Feb, 2017 - 11:06AM

I find it interesting that there are so many references to honesty in these replies and a couple mention commitment. By the very nature of what we are all doing here we are all being dishonest and showing lack of commitment to spouses and pa rtners. Call me cynical but can anyone expect honesty from people who are already demonstrating a distinct lack of this

2 members like this comment.

Sarah19 - 15 Feb, 2017 - 05:57PM

There is a lot of talk about honesty in these comments but why would you expect anyone to be honest or committed on here. It is a website for married people to meet other like minded people so basically that generally means lying cheating dishonest people.
If you are cheating on and lying to spouses or partners how can you expect anything different from others doing the same.
If this seems cynical and disrespectful to fellow members on this site then I make no apology for that probably just a bit too honest for here.

3 members like this comment.

Passionata22 - 14 Feb, 2017 - 11:23PM

Speaking for myself I tend not to reply if someone doesn't address something I have specified in my profile as important to me.
I then feel I have to ask if they've read my profile. Just too much effort.
Likewise men who don't offer passwords when I've said I want quick exchange of photos.
It's fair enough that men don't fit what I'm looking for but if they make contact then I want them to address these points straight away rather than me having to ask them.
That's just me but without it in just unlikely to reply.
And blurred or distant photos are practically always a big warning...that someone does not believe in themselves and is trying to hide. I hate that. Be yourself. It doesn't mean every one will fancy you but at least you are being upfront.
I also can't stand it if someone says they are self deprecating. Do they know what this means? It means you put yourself down all the time. Unless a woman's profile says she is attracted to men lacking confidence then those words are a complete no no.

4 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 14 Feb, 2017 - 03:55PM

Altostratus - 14 Feb, 2017 - 12:15PM

I take your point, I really do and believe me, the men here can be just as bad, honest! I'm afraid bad behaviour is not just confined to the females.

JesseJane - 14 Feb, 2017 - 01:37PM

"This is not for the tender-hearted. You need a thick skin, your wits about you, and a clear aganda."

Absolutely ... couldn't agree more. It's hard not to become cynical.

3 members like this comment.

Incogneeto - 14 Feb, 2017 - 01:37PM

Heavens I could write a book after just 3 months, but plenty of research.
1. Out of Date photos are the funniest - like you're not going to be found out or are we just going to have a virtual relationship
2. Likewise blurred images
3. The man who wouldn't give me any means of concrete communication (so you think I'm going into a bedroom with someone who thinks Kik would be the perfect way for you to be traced if for some reason you decided to do something non consensual or worse - safely 101)
4. The players who are just bed notching (male and female)

I think the communication style is the least of one's issues. This is not for the tender-hearted. You need a thick skin, your wits about you, and a clear aganda. I decided if the stage was full of players I would play too. Not saying it's right, but it's one hell of a journey so long as you don't vest anything in it.

I genuinely look forward to the less cynical comments from those who have managed to find what they were looking for.

10 members like this comment.

Altostratus - 14 Feb, 2017 - 12:15PM

EO. I'm afraid that men have no choice but to contact every single lady on here within the geographical area that they have an ionterest. There are three reasons for this

1. There are twice as many men on here as ladies (don't believe the numbers online figures...there is a glitch)

2. Out of every 100 ladies contacted, only one will reply. The lack of courtesy is astounding.

3. Out of those ladies that reply, 9 out of 10 will stop messaging as soon as they become overwhelmed with messages from other men or see your photo!

8 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 12 Feb, 2017 - 11:57AM

Altostratus - 10 Feb, 2017 - 01:15PM

You are obviously not contacting the right ladies here honey! ;-)
To be fair, I could say the same about the "gentlemen" here too. :-(

6 members like this comment.

Altostratus - 10 Feb, 2017 - 01:15PM

The fours simple rules are as follws.

1. For God's sake reply, will you!
2. Then learn to bear utter silence for weeks on end
3. Don't expect anything to happen
4. Get a time machine and travel back 5 years to a time when there were real people on here who actually exchanged messages and wanted to meet.

19 members like this comment.

1117723-Deleted - 10 Feb, 2017 - 12:41PM

It really is the absolute dishonesty on here from nearly every guy I have chatted to over the last few weeks.
Saying they are looking for one lady and wanting a friend then literally after a few days saying the complete opposite and asking to meet in a hotel for an afternoon of one off pleasure.
It clearly says in my profile what I am after and what I don't want and they just don't read it.
What's the point of a profile anyway if you still get all the a******es contacting you.
We are all here for the same thing is it really to much to ask for a bit of honesty and say exactly what your after.

17 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 10 Feb, 2017 - 11:32AM

CarpeDiem84 - 09 Feb, 2017 - 03:40PM

Spot on.
With you on [1] and absolutely on [5] also no "hope your well" ... arrrgh!!!

1 member likes this comment.

Another Life - 09 Feb, 2017 - 07:02PM

And then if you express your upset you're told it's unhealthy - you really cannot win. I wait for the hordes to tell me I'm naive now!!

4 members like this comment.

Another Life - 09 Feb, 2017 - 06:46PM

There don't seem to be any rules as far as I can see. People write the opposite to what they really want on their profile, people don't respect others' profiles and people will say what they want until an 'easier option' comes along. Then they'll just drop you like a hot potato and the line is "that's the nature of the site"

Am I cynical now? Yes this place has finally made me so!

13 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 09 Feb, 2017 - 05:38PM

The Actress - 09 Feb, 2017 - 02:33PM

I know exactly what you mean though [I too have had a similar experience where the photo was awful totally attractive in person] and that is why, even though I would like to see a photo, I would always reserve my final decision until the face to face meet. It is extremely rare for me to actually say thanks but no thanks purely based on a photo.

2 members like this comment.

CarpeDiem84 - 09 Feb, 2017 - 03:40PM

Disagree with (1). What has worked for me has been:

1. Come up with a witty headline related specifically to their profile in some way, allows them to pick you from tens of messages they might receive
2,3 & 4 - As per yours...
5. Triple check your grammar, no "I hope you're day went we'll" - immediate fall from grace
6. Don't make your initial message too short or too long, usually I would go with a structure something like:
- Hey xx, some joke about their profile, whatever you comment on though make it entertaining, NOT oh I work in the same profession as you.
- Talk about how it's very pleasant to come across their profile for x,y,z (the latter is important, differentiate her!)
- A very short para about yourself in a non twat way (differentiate yourself)
- End politely
7. What everyone else has said - don't ask for a pic up front and definitely not their number or KIK. It's better to do that once some form of trust/banter has been made

7 members like this comment.

The Actress - 09 Feb, 2017 - 02:33PM

@ Exotic Orchid.

I can't argue with that!;

I was just remembering my initial reaction to the photos of my dear world-travelling IE, who was, despite the truly awful photos, a really great guy!

2 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 09 Feb, 2017 - 09:46AM

The Actress - 08 Feb, 2017 - 03:23PM

Indeed the camera lies BUT surely the professional photos lie even more than an "inexpert selfie" which is at least honest and not been filtered, altered and photoshopped to death with all the gadgets now available.

As always, to each their own ... you are happy not to see a photo, that is great for you ... however, many DO want to see a photo and get an idea of what the other person looks like ... it's human nature to be curious.

The bottom line though is that nothing beats meeting in person!

2 members like this comment.

Summerbelle - 08 Feb, 2017 - 06:28PM

I agree completely with ExoticOrchid. I've always been amazed how many men have sent an initial messages with their photo password. It always makes me chuckle as they have absolutely no idea who they're really writing to on here.

If someone is that unfazed by the need for discretion they might as well make their photos public and have done with it! :-)

2 members like this comment.

The Actress - 08 Feb, 2017 - 03:23PM

Am I the only one here who doesn't give a fig about photos? ,,,,,,,, The camera, (the kind of hurried, inexpert "selfie" taken on a webcam) lies!

Maybe a video would be better, or is it just me? If a man writes well, and sounds articulate on the phone, that's good enough for me.

(BTW for anyone thinking "at her age she can't afford to be too choosy", I CAN, I AM, and I DO! LOL)

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 08 Feb, 2017 - 08:51AM

Considering this is an adultery site where everyone is going on about the need for discretion, surely sending one's password with the initial message is not exactly "discreet" is it??? You have no idea who is at the other end of the message!!!

I agree it is a good idea for the photo exchange to take place at an early stage but only after a few messages have taken place and both are comfortable with it.

15 members like this comment.

Amber57 - 08 Feb, 2017 - 05:54AM

very true Mrs miller, and perfect moments, i get sometimes so cheesed off, reading the profiles which i like to read or attracted by the name of the person who,written it. But when i do do talk with them ,there is nothing in their behavioure what they written in the profile , makes me mad!,and most of those i seen and spoken too , is hi my pw is , may i see yours, sometimes i get so ,omgh so i ire bk good morning , sorry ,i do not know you yet could you tell me a bit of yourself please, never hear of them again!than even asking them to correct my English , forget about ,, but than get to hear don't understand your English, so why not correct me ? it would help me to talk proper!

1 member likes this comment.

richard123 - 07 Feb, 2017 - 10:08PM

Sending your password with the initial message is an excellent idea - otherwise, gutted when banter starts and then rejected,hoping it might go further!xxxxx

4 members like this comment.

Toby Loved - 06 Feb, 2017 - 05:42PM

I think what has been said so far all makes sense but ultimately it comes down to your photo. How many people consider the photos, ok I think we all know what some of the images can relate to, do a good enough job for them?
You can spend an age crafting a good message but then your photo generates a polite thanks but o thanks, if you are lucky, because its not very good. I won't re open the can of worms that is the date a photo was taken, be it this millennium or the last.......

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 06 Feb, 2017 - 09:44AM

fiddler21 - 05 Feb, 2017 - 03:27PM
" I consider it to be important, if at all possible, to pick up something from the other person's profile "

Agree, except that there has been times when that was done and the person had no idea what I was referring to ... makes one wonder if they had actually read their own profile!

1 member likes this comment.

bemused64 - 05 Feb, 2017 - 03:50PM

Surely there is only one rule...... initiate contact with a well written message detailing what you are looking for, clear and concise

fiddler21 - 05 Feb, 2017 - 03:27PM

Adding to the suggested rules, I consider it to be important, if at all possible, to pick up something from the other person's profile and to add something more about yourself. A question is perhaps useful as it encourages a reply. Would anyone agree?

4 members like this comment.

EROS8 - 04 Feb, 2017 - 11:17PM

I'm sorry but this is a particular persons desires in what THEY want when people are replying to them.
Everybody is different - if you don't happen to reply in the way the person reading it wants you to you "ain't gonna click" as they say. Some like short straight replies some don't. And trust me some people do manage to keep the falseness going on forever and a day. The sender of the letter probably likes all the bits and pieces on their desk straight and squared off, some can't and won't conform.

What most of us would like for sure re communication is not what we should be doing at the start etc., but more of when the person you have been chatting to/approaching wants NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU, THEY LET YOU, instead of leaving you hanging out to Dry!!!

1 member likes this comment.

Floriana - 04 Feb, 2017 - 06:11PM

1. Always take the time to write a profile.... using wizard suggests a lazy approach....someone who just wants to jump straight in for a shag!
2. Always send a personal message.... even if just a paragraph ...to the person you'd like to hook up with.
3. Sending your password with the initial message is a good move....saves the disappointment of rejection once you've started chatting and hoping it might go further!
4. Check your spelling and grammar before you hit send!!!!!!

8 members like this comment.

Perfect moments - 04 Feb, 2017 - 01:10PM

I totally agree with you there @Passionata22.
The vks and gifts are a pretty lazy attempt to attract someone's attention. I very rarely reply to them unless I find the profile of any interest.

SEARCH4U - 04 Feb, 2017 - 11:43AM

5. Explain/Indicate your needs.
6. Have some interesting pictures/photo's to show.
7. Be bold.
8. Be tolerant.
9. Be understanding.
10.Look to make a connection.

1 member likes this comment.

Mrsmiller - 04 Feb, 2017 - 12:54AM

I like someone who is honest. Not good trying to sell yourself as a romantic person and just wanting fun and vice versa. I think it is a matter of trying and error. I have been here now long enough to know if someone wants to try and meet up or if it is just an ego buster. I am serious about this but unfortunately most people aren't. That's when you have to be careful, otherwise is a great deal of time wasted.

2 members like this comment.

perfect mistress material - 04 Feb, 2017 - 12:43AM

Don't ask to chat. on Kik on the first or second message , or ask for mobile numbers straight off, don't ask for sexy pics straight away (if at all) those are my don't rules oh and endless messages for too long , also don't six talk on here , it's slightly comedic. Just pleasant and upbeat vibes should be the do rules, no openers such as Have you had any luck on here yet ?

6 members like this comment.

Passionata22 - 03 Feb, 2017 - 10:31PM

The main thing is to initiate contact, especially if you are male.
So if you are scared of rejection it may be that ie is not for you.
No amount of hypothesisinv gets away from the fact that you do have to make the first move.

Apart from that. .you are right. Virtual kisses winks and gifts are kiss of death. As are profile wizards.

16 members like this comment.

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