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Letters to Sara

What sort of affair?

From my observations there seems to be different 'types' of affair.... and I'm wondering what is more common here?

A male friend (no not one with benefits) has had several affairs lasting at least a couple of years, and always develops a strong affection for his ladies...to the point of saying he's polyamory!!

They meet regularly for lunch, picnics, nights away.... while he maintains a seemingly happy/stable relationship with his wife of many years.

Yet my experiences have been very different. I would not describe myself as polyamory, although I always establish a "connection" with my lover, or I wouldn't be able to enjoy such great sex.

But my meetings are more confined to coffee and a few hours in a hotel room - albeit quality time - when our busy diaries allow!

Sometimes I crave what my friend has, and in fact lost a guy I was having fun with because he couldn't give me more than we had.

I guess it's a case of horses for courses, but am curious to hear others' take on this.

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Comments (31)

Onthequiet - 21 Mar, 2017 - 06:48PM

Sounds like a good bit of work involved with keeping them all sweet.
Nah! No Ta! ;)

1 member likes this comment.

FriendlySteve - 11 Mar, 2017 - 12:58PM

I think that it needs to be remembered that absence makes the heart fonder and so relatively infrequent meetings become more enjoyable.


That was typified by a friend who unfortunately was killed in a car accident.


He found life with his wife just too difficult and they divorced. But shortly afterwards they started to go out for a meal on Fridays and she stayed over with him.


They got on fine on a once a week basis!

1 member likes this comment.

perfect mistress material - 06 Mar, 2017 - 11:38PM

I think you should be aiming for a bit more than coffee then a hotel room , it does not seem to make you that happy , but you obviously see it as quality in your own words , and sometimes it does not matter that you don't have weekends or nights away (or picnics ) etc, my feeling is your lover should be trying a bit more than coffee and sex, it makes it very easy for him, but again if time does not allow more ,that is what you have, It's uncomplicated for you ,and fills some need so just take it for what it is, unless your instinct tells you otherwise and enjoy X

2 members like this comment.

1787 - 22 Feb, 2017 - 07:31PM

In my opinion Repeat Offenders comments are a bit of a generalisation and though there may be an element of truth in what she says like all generalisations there are exeptions and it doesn't take into account the complexities and nuances of life. I would also suspect that many of the men on here who think that they just want instant gratification would if they thought about it might actually want something different

4 members like this comment.

1125119-Deleted - 22 Feb, 2017 - 04:01PM

In answer to the question 'what type of affair' I'd say I seek 'an honest one' and considering all here we all get what honesty is.

I don't want endless chatting with no intention of meeting, I don't mind the endless chatting, its the 'no intention of meeting' bit that annoys me. I also don't get the two year plus female members. I understand it, I don't get it. I can't speak to it because I'd end up generalising and that's never a good thing. No idea if men stay here the same length of time. I've only spoke to women.

Regarding the label of 'an affair' or not. If it walks, quacks and swims like a Duck, it's a Duck.

1 member likes this comment.

repeat offender - 21 Feb, 2017 - 09:16AM

Most men here want sex, not affair. An affair comes from getting to know someone as a friend dating if you like, monies worth, that's guys here , hit the sack,if good maybe have the odd meal but why waste shagging time lol.

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EROS8 - 20 Feb, 2017 - 12:45PM

An affair is an affair no matter what is involved. The degree (or time spent together and how) is irrelevant.
Not my guide but certainly a good one is :- if your partner would disapprove of what you have done (that obviously they don't know about) with another person (m OR f) then that constitutes an affair,or the possible start of.
In respect of your personal male not connected friend - do not compare yourself and feel diminished. If he can do so much then his marriage is a sham. And believe me there are thousands out there with a sham marriage because they are too lazy/too scared to get divorced.
Put it another way and you women are so good at this - what would be thinking/doing if this man was your husband?
Enjoy what you can x

4 members like this comment.

Timeowt - 19 Feb, 2017 - 07:06AM

Does the sort of affair really matter, isn't it all about the person you meet? At least from my point of view, I'm looking for someone I really like and who likes me back in equal measure. Who cares if we call it a full on affair or call ourselves friends with benefits...main thing is that we find each other and simply enjoy being!

10 members like this comment.

cheekysmile73 - 15 Feb, 2017 - 09:27PM

Over the last 10 years, I've experienced pretty much all kinds of friendships, relationships and everything in between. I'm in a fairly unique (and lucky!) situation where my wife and I have an open relationship and she's happy for me to meet other women. I've learned that there's very much a difference between love, friendship and sex. Sex on its own is pretty good. Sex when you also have friendship or connection is very good. Sex where you also have love can be mindblowing :-)

In the last year or so, I've reached the point where I do describe myself as polyamorous. As a minimum I'm looking for close friendship, but sometimes things have gone beyond that (particularly if the person I'm seeing is single and they have developed stronger feelings) and it is possible to feel love for someone without it becoming dangerous - as long as both people communicate openly and honestly and effectively.

It's really important that both people are honest about what they're looking for and how they feel.

14 members like this comment.

Incogneeto - 15 Feb, 2017 - 11:54AM

I spent my first 2 weeks deploying a modicum of intelligence in search of the normal distribution curve. There really isn't one.

Thinking about profiles:
there are the people who really do know what they want
there are people who think they know but who run away when it comes within 10ft of them
then there are people who say they want one thing and who actually want another (some of this is genuine confusion on their part, some is calculation particularly on the part of men who tend to use a shotgun rather than a rifle technique because of the gender imbalance on the site).

As to what those agendas are one could write a book ... my advice to a newbie would be go slowly, learn the game, decode the language (there is a lexicon tune in), watch for inconsistencies, create check steps for dishonesty, keep trust and expectations low and treat anything else as a bonus. Above all else, vest absolutely nothing in it. And if you get that far in your analysis perhaps ask yourself a much more searching questi

11 members like this comment.

IllicitDecadence - 11 Feb, 2017 - 11:50AM

@ OP

I agree ....it is very much a case of "horses for courses".

Many people have different needs/requirements, often controlled by their circumstances, availability etc. At one end of the scale some seek a FB/FWB type thing which tends to lean more toward gratuitous sex.....and at the other end some seek the "classic affair" wherein the sexual element is replaced by a deeper form of intimacy.

None of us are in the position to pass judgement on others and rightly so but we can be honest and upfront with others about exactly what we are seeking.

People here make many "oblique" comments about "honesty"....yes, we are all being untruthful and deceiving but, having taken the decision to step over the line onto the dark side, we can/should treat others with mutual respect and honesty...."honour amongst thieves" as the saying goes.

Just decide what sort of affair you desire, don't settle for less and be aware of the possible dangers.



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Hopefully Optimistic - 08 Feb, 2017 - 03:16PM

Surely it's not about "love" but it is about the "fit". Fitting in with each others lives, having something in common i.e. likes, dislikes, etc. It is also, I feel, about mental stimulation, having long lunches with convivial conversation, and liking the person across the table. We are all adults on here, (or should be),so we know the limits, but that shouldn't mean that we have no feeling for the other person. If we have that "feeling", the affair is more enjoyable both sexually and emotionally, and therefore has greater satisfaction. I may be naive but......

16 members like this comment.

The Actress - 06 Feb, 2017 - 10:44AM

@ perfect mistress material

Oh how I agree with you, and Exotic Orchid!

Read all, and say nowt, is sometimes the best rule here! We must always remember that these letter threads reveal far more about us, that even the most carefully constructed profile ever could!

5 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 06 Feb, 2017 - 09:38AM

perfect mistress material - 04 Feb, 2017 - 12:06PM

" sometimes it's best to say nothing though is it not? respect, confidential etc,"

Indeed it is and many thanks for your kind comment! :-)

3 members like this comment.

Connaitre - 06 Feb, 2017 - 08:31AM

I think that insisting from the outset that the L-word is off limits is setting unnecessary constraints on what ought to be an organic process - equally, making "falling in love" your exclusive target is likely to deprive one of a lot of fun!

What matters if what works, yes? Which is going to be different for any two people.

I do think though it's reasonable to declare, as most of us do, that we want a "boundaried" relationship, as in one that we maintain alongside our present situation without proposing to collapse those different compartments with all the likely consequences... For some that kind of containment is incompatible with genuine emotional involvement, for others it's possible to love someone without that changing everything. It all depends.

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Trematon68 - 04 Feb, 2017 - 08:40PM

I'm not sure about falling in love as I suppose it's something I guard myself against...almost thinking - gosh, what would happen if I did/I didn't sign up for this.....

I recently came out of a year long IE relationship which was lovely, sexy, so f*****g naughty and so much fun. I don't think we fell in love at any point but I do think we had a great fondness and affection for each other and that translated into the intimacy between us. Our relationship on an emotional and intellectual level allowed us to push our boundaries.

We met for coffee/lunch/supper and 'evenings' could start at check in time x I suppose whilst we we enjoyed the physical side of our relationship, there was also much value in the before and after x

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perfect mistress material - 04 Feb, 2017 - 12:06PM

Hi ExoticOrchid Are you going to share your experiences , I have noticed you seem to participate on the letters page a lot, and seem to have been on IE for a long time as I have now and then,I am assuming you would have had some as I have , sometimes it's best to say nothing though is it not? respect, confidential etc, you always add a very well thought out letter on here ,good to read .

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ExoticOrchid - 03 Feb, 2017 - 09:50PM

Awww ... sounds like stevebe500 and Ms Adventure are a match made in IE heaven ... perfect! :-)

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stevebe500 - 03 Feb, 2017 - 06:00PM

My personal preference is for longer affairs and others will differ; personality will play a big part. Ms Adventure says that it could be dangerous for those of us who like to get very attached to say as much early on, for fear of frightening someone off. I differ and I believe that if there is a difference in wishes, revealed or not, it will be fatal to an affair sooner rather than later. If I am too frightening for someone (and this seems to happen more and more often – I am at grumpy old man age after all) I would prefer to be so before I get too involved. And crikey I like to be in love!!! And I haven’t done nearly as much of that in my life as I should have! Again @Ms Adventure says that sex is so much better with someone you love: oh yes Ms A you are so right. I also think that good relationships between mature people feed off their previous life experiences. At my age I have a lot of those! and there is a lot to get through! So we just couldn’t cover the ‘ground’ in a few short meetings.

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Toby Loved - 03 Feb, 2017 - 05:37PM

Fall in love? Brilliant. I can't even get women to agree to a meeting:-)

If someone came out and said that at the first meeting I would be a bit taken aback if it had not been mentioned prior to that. However, I am sure it happens just never came close myself.

6 members like this comment.

Ms Adventure - 03 Feb, 2017 - 03:59PM

For me, in addition to what has been said, the big question is mutual expectations re feelings/getting emotionally involved.. falling in love... as someone said.. if it's 'just sex', it'll fiddle out quickly... if it's sex+friendship.. it can last a lot longer. By far the richest experience is if you fall in love..sex is so much better if you are crazy about each other, isn't it. But a 'dangerous' topic.. in my experience. if you say upfront that you would love to fall in love .. are your then going to scare your potential/new lover away on the basis you may be 'dangerous' to his (or her) marriage? what does everyone else think? would love to hear the guys' views also..Fell in love with one IE... mutual feeling.. he then discovered that his marriage wasn't just void of sex, it is void of a lot more..... the connection we have...(ref what someone else says) ..but now, he needs time to 'think and respond'... bit of a shock to his system/whole life... not easy, is it...while fun.. love to hear views..

11 members like this comment.

Connaitre - 03 Feb, 2017 - 01:34PM

I think there are surely as many types of affairs as there are couples having them...the briefest perusal of IE profiles demonstrates that there are the proverbial thousand flowers blooming (secretly of course!).

For my own purely subjective part, I think that sex is undoubtedly the glue of any intimate rl - in fact the insuffiency of sex in our primary relationships is the major driver for most us being here, even if sex in itself is merely one part of a larger package of intimacy we want and miss. That's not *at all* to say that an affair is "only" about (great) sex, just that for me (great) sex is central: I may be unusual but to me an advantage of IE is that you can approach intimacy through sex, rather than the other way around as is more typically the case elsewhere. You can build on the mutual and frankly confressed desire from the outset to, ideally, a multi-dimensional connection on other levels but always fuelled by that turbo-charged sexuality! :)

10 members like this comment.

Toby Loved - 03 Feb, 2017 - 11:48AM

You lost a guy you were having fun with because he couldn't give you more than what you had? What more were you looking for?
I believe you can have a wide variety of relationships, one night stands, on going affairs with weekends away and romps in front of a roaring fire which seems to be a particular favourite in women requirements, a good time for a few months then stay friends or a complete car crash of a first meeting.
I would also imagine it comes down to availability and ease of meeting as you allude to.
One thing I would point out is its not just guys that are looking for one night stands!

3 members like this comment.

Mrsmiller - 02 Feb, 2017 - 12:49PM

I believe most people on here are on the urge to get sex sorted, no matter what. I myself think you can have good sex with someone but if it's only about sex things doesn't last. We are people with feelings, hopes and dreams. Of course I don't want to find a pal , a platonic affair. I am romantic but I would like to have someone who would be able to turn me on just with a smile. Is that old saying, takes two to tango.

11 members like this comment.

perfect mistress material - 02 Feb, 2017 - 03:28AM

Ok, these are my experiences of relationships on here , lots of meets over the years were it was coffee no spark or sex etc and I did not want a second meet. Then an 18 month relationship which was lovely,from IE,for me it ran its course and I then ended it with him to see Long term IE 2,that was 8 years ago and we are still together ,my situation is that I was single and so was no 2 after long marriages , great sexy fun for a long time but the sex bit stopped and it became more brother and sister ,during this time I met IE No 3 , three years ago, we message a lot but have only met twice a year as its a distance thing, he is single and we have had an intense emotional relationship if it can be called that ,My relationship with No 2 is still going ,though I don't have the same feelings to him as I did I am still fond of him . So now I need a new one , come in No 4 IE , Ime on the prowl ,I love being in love personally even though it can hurt if it ends wether single or attached ,nothing like it really

7 members like this comment.

Gymfit8 - 01 Feb, 2017 - 10:47PM

For me my affairs have been good friend, good times, good sex but short lived due to circumstances. My last IE man, I had texts all day, every day, a friend, good times, good sex and we still keep in touch despite living an hour and a half away from each other. The good connection we have has made him realise though that his marriage isn't great and he's not very happy so it's made him think about what he wants in the future. 8 months in and we are still in contact

3 members like this comment.

1120580-Deleted - 01 Feb, 2017 - 03:39PM

My experience is falling in love (within the 'bubble') is par for the course in any good affair. The rest is down to logistics working out between two people with existing complex lives to work around. I had one experience when initially the logistics were great and we could almost spend time at will, then her situation changed and we struggled to spend time at all, not surprisingly that situation was not sustainable.

For me without time together the rest won't work so it is a challenge.

My affairs (2) have been a very significant and very secret part of my life.

I have no idea if I have answered your question.

10 members like this comment.

The cats whiskers - 01 Feb, 2017 - 01:42PM

My experience is guys say they want an affair that lasts and has longevity and have the time to put in but then reality is it never gets past a few months as they say they feel guilty or can't arrange there schedule
I envy anyone who has that affair that's a marathon not a sprint

22 members like this comment.

mistinthesea - 01 Feb, 2017 - 10:25AM

Yes, you're right. It's horses for courses, like everything in life. But whatever you are or choose to indulge in, you can't control what others want or don't want, feel or not, in a relationship. Be prepared to know when to give up. We always have signs, clear signs. Having this awareness goes with any relationship, but especially on here.

2 members like this comment.

1119145-Deleted - 01 Feb, 2017 - 08:20AM

I have had both.. a love affair, great sex, great friend, meals coffee , dates when we could not have sex as not enough time. Text everyday(not the smut that bores so soon)I felt better than I had in years, special.It ended I was heartbroken,but I pulled on my big girl pants and lived with it(if you are afraid to get burnt don't play with fire)The other was a friend but it was sex mostly,it always felt like just recreational purposes.Was ok but not as good and didn't last as long, sex is great but if you find more than that is bloody fantastic.MY NEXT ONE WHO KNOWS, YOU CANT HELP WHAT YOU FEEL , JUST WHAT YOU DO ABOUT IT.

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FFreeSpiri64 - 01 Feb, 2017 - 01:11AM

In my view your friend has what I call the "classic" affair which is something I too seek and have experienced. Others may disagree of course and quite rightly as we all have different expectations. You're right to crave this but sadly it appears in short supply. Having the time to give to an affair in the sense of time together can be difficult to establish, unless your work commitments/situation are pretty similar and distance as we know is a consideration.
My affairs have been quite different to each other, but as long as the sex is great I go with the flow. Every affair has an inevitable end. Enjoy the moments you have. Not sure we deserve to find our ideal in the world of infidelity but hell, we can have fun trying 😊


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