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About Me:

Do you ever feel lonely, neglected, unappreciated? Have you been placed in your passion-free partner's metorphorical attic, along with the VHS player, the George Foreman Grill, the lava lamp you bought from Habitat when they were trendy, the Cluedo with the missing Reverend Green, and the broken Windows XP laptop that you don't know what to do with but you are keeping just in case someone hacks into it, and discovers the Abba songs that you illegally downloaded in 2001? Do you sometimes wake up in the depths of the night thinking "Is this it?"? Do you crave affection? Don't you wish you had an attentive, intelligent, male friend and lover, who didn't just want to eat pepperoni pizza, drink Stella, and pass wind as they watch yet more boring football on Sky Sports? If so, why not try me?


My wife and I have largely separate lives, and share few common interests. My marriage is as stale as a Jaffa Cake that has been left, forgotten, unwanted, crumbling away, in a distant corner of a dusty kitchen shelf.

Having been to more than one Wetherspoons, I consider myself to be something of a 'bon viveur'. I believe that those experiences have given me the qualifications to share an appreciation of the finer things in life with a lady. I am also a wine connoisseur, and have tasted several types of New Zealand Savignon Blanc. I am more than happy to let you have my olives. In the event of the possibility of intimacy, I would request that you avoided food that is garlic infused and hot curries.

Sartorially, I can safely say I never shop at Primark or Oxfam, preferring the sophistication of Marks and Spencer.

I guess you are thinking that I own a Rolex, well you are wrong. I have a watch that does what it said on the tin. i.e cornflake packet. I am lovely and kind I have a BMI of 25, and exercise regularly.


I have exceptionally strong legs that can crush small animals. (I would never crush your pet, except maybe a yappy dog, or a jealous gerbil. I might have trouble with a snake, especially a python, or a wriggling goldfish)

People often say I look younger than my years. I am no astrophysicist, but I think it may be because of a 'Back to the Future' / 'Narnia', type fault in the space time continuum. (I think Stephen Hawking calls them 'wormholes') I must say, I do notice more beards than there used to be, I can't find a Woolworths anywhere, and mobile phones are suddenly no longer the size of bricks. I think the 'portal' is in my local Greggs, as I did notice feeling a bit peculiar when I was buying a probiotic steak bake there recently.
The only other possible explanation is my adoption of the Gwyneth Paltrow macrobiotic diet, 'Superfoods, such as goji berries, and regular bee stings.

You may, or may not, be pleased to read that I have no artificial enhancements, nor do I have facial hair, tattoos or a Jamie Oliver Cookbook.


ANOTHER IMPORTANT UPDATE

In view of the result of the recent referendum, and the desire of some in Scotland (and England) for them to secede, to become a satrap of the the undemocratic, corrupt, wasteful, job destroying EU, a relationship with a Scottish lady, lovely though they are, is unlikely to work because of the border controls, passport and visa complications that will inevitably ensue. ** (see below)

** This condition may not always apply

FINAL UPDATE:

It seems like my quest for happy times with an intelligent woman is unlikely to be realised. I must, therefore, consider alternative ways to spend my time. Pastimes that I have considered, and discounted, include: join a circus and try to seduce a lady trapeze artiste (problem, I don't like clowns); buy some ferrets (the males are too smelly); become a Corbynista (not posh enough); buy a budgie (people will think I've gone to seed); and build a model of the Titanic out of unused store credit cards (it would be a disaster).

All constructive suggestions gratefully received.

The End 🙂

Ideal Partner:

I would love to meet an intelligent, woman blessed with charm and wit. Ideally, she will have the chance to get away from home for interesting and enjoyable times.

The woman I desire is a non smoker. She will have a sweet disposition and be kind to children, dogs and other types of animal.

She will, of course, light my fire, rock my boat, and give me butterflies.


Take this simple quiz to find out if we might be compatible:

1. After a lovely day of chatting and flirting, we go for a tasty meal on a chilly evening. Do you...wear a) a shell suit b) a mini skirt and skimpy blouse because young ladies do c) a sari with a tiara because you are convinced that you are an Indian Princess, or d) none of these?

2. Whilst we are eating you see a woman whom you suspect had an affair with your ex while you were still a couple. Do you...a) fly across the room like a ninja warrior and kick her in an uncomfortable place b) burst into tears c) shrug your pretty shoulders like a French woman and mutter "Sa femme est une tartlette" or d) order another bottle of Sav Blanc?

3. When we get the bill. Do you...a) suggest we do a runner b) shrug your shoulders like a French woman and say " C'est trop expensive mais I'll est une occasion speciale" c) offer to share the cost d) scream and say "no way your thieving poltroons"?

4. Outside we realise that there are no taxis and we have to walk over a mile to our hotel. Do you...a) " shrug your shoulders like a Frenchwoman and say "il est une plaisir à marché avec tu ma cherie" b) sit down on the pavement and weep c) hijack a passing Mercedes, or d) use your superhuman powers to carry me whilst we fly to the hotel?

5. At the hotel the stupid electronic key does not work to open the door. Do you ...a) kick the door down b) offer to go down to reception c) scour the corridor for left-over room service, or d) use your sonic screwdriver to open the door?

6. After a night of unbridled passion (or bridled passion if you prefer), would you...a) eat a hearty cooked breakfast b) refuse to eat because the muesli does not contain chia seeds c) persuade me to stay in bed and miss breakfast or d) turn on a shopping channel?

7. When we reluctantly part to return to 'normal' life, you...a) make a cupcake with my initials on the top b) read an old 'Bunty' Annual to take your mind off the pain of parting c) scour the web for a suitable next meeting place, or d) continue to knit that new winter coat for your cat?

8. At a future meeting, we bump into your old boss. Do you a) introduce me...as your butler b) ...as your long lost brother c) ...your fantastic lover or d) do you scream and run, shouting, 'help me! save me from my evil stalker!"?

9. Whilst on holiday together in a bankrupt hot Mediterranean country, you are approached by an irritating itinerant seller of bangles. Do you...a) kick him b) buy an armful of tasteless plastic c) shrug your shoulders like a haughty Frenchwoman and say "J'ai tous de ses bagels et il sont plus supérieur que sons" d) smile and kiss me?

10. Owing to a disastrous mistake with the SatNav, we end up in Mecca, and not Moreton-in-Marsh. Do you a) ask where can we buy a bacon sandwich b) put on the burqa you keep for emergencies, as this had happened once before c) keep driving and try to find Dubai or d) shout obscenities at the SatNav?

Bon chance tous le monde.

Other Interests:

Nature, Arts / Crafts, Museums / Galleries, Music - Alternative, Music - Classical / Opera, Music - Rock, Hiking / Camping, Politics, Religion, Golf, Tennis / Racket Sports, Theatre / Ballet, Travel / Sightseeing

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