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Is ADHD a good excuse?

My best friends husband cheated on her last month and he is using his recent ADHD diagnosis as the reason he played away. I don’t know what advice to give her. I think this is a cop out excuse and he’s using the diagnosis to get away with it and get her back but the more I read about it I am coming around to being on his side more. Can anyone offer any wisdom or their own experiences on this? Feels like ADHD is all we hear about these days and it is really to blame mistakes on it rather than someone behaving like a complete a**ehole!!! I want to give her the right advice but I’m torn… help.

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Comments (35)

Paula99 - 23 Sep, 2023 - 06:24AM


Considering that you have AS… this condition denotes the way you think and conduct yourself …plus you are engaging with’ marital philanderers’…clearly it makes you feel uncomfortable?
Do you want AS to become a reason to cheat ?

Ilneses are not to be used as a ‘label’ to cheat ?..you choose to do this because there is something lacking in your currant lifestyle not because you have a boil on your arse !!!😂😂😂😂

 2 members like this comment.

FluffyClouds - 22 Sep, 2023 - 07:46AM

Mipaulac -

Narcissists lack empathy and guilt. So no, they won't show any regard to other people. They're all about finding someone who will supply their needs. If someone can't supply, they discard without a second thought.

 2 members like this comment.

Eliza Boo - 21 Sep, 2023 - 10:56PM

Adhd, asd, odd...Why do we need an excuse?! Long term manogamy is an outdated concept. Spouses are family, eventually become like siblings. Sex and feelings of desire, being in love - it has to come from outside for a proportion of people. Keep the nest sacred and get those thrills elsewhere. I'm sure some people can combine the two together...nonidea hoe they do it though!

 1 member likes this comment.

mipaulac - 21 Sep, 2023 - 10:18PM

This post is a refreshing change from the continually recycled and censored chat.
It's asking a question that undoubtedly makes the married serial philanders very uncomfortable about the neuro and mental disposition that makes them continually cheat and deceive.
Of course there are all sorts of reasons and sad circumstances for having extramarital affairs but some come over as complete narcissists with no regard for anyone except themselves.

Paula99 - 21 Sep, 2023 - 09:04PM

DO7 …great post 😂

You cannot use illnesses as an excuse for your bad behaviour …end of 🙄

Doubleohseven - 21 Sep, 2023 - 12:32AM

It turns out that ADHD is a less powerful extenuating circumstance than a visit to the dentist. This is from today's news.
"He pulled away, apologised and left, according to the woman. The next day she reported the incident to Odey Asset Management’s then-chair, David Fletcher, who later gave her a typed file note recording the incident. The note said that, at the time of the assault, Odey had been under the influence of drugs he had taken during a dentist’s appointment.
(...) In Odey’s first admission of sexual misconduct against any of the 20 women who have made allegations against him, he told the FT: “The girl concerned did work for me in 2005 and I did grab her breasts and it was reported and investigated . . . I had just come back from having two hours [of] canal root fillings and was under heavy medication.” '

Anyone want to try this with their spouse?
"Yes honey, I am having an affair. It all started with a visit to my dentist..."

 1 member likes this comment.

Andrea Andrew - 19 Sep, 2023 - 05:57AM


I guess its very relaxing!

 1 member likes this comment.

WillKr - 18 Sep, 2023 - 11:11PM

I am borderline ADHD and do enjoy a lot of stimuli

 1 member likes this comment.

TheBoredHousewife - 17 Sep, 2023 - 10:22PM

laugar164 - 17 Sep, 2023 - 08:57PM

I’m sure we (both genders) have encountered logs at some point in our lives.

laugar164 - 17 Sep, 2023 - 08:57PM

Are you talking from experience (log in bed)

Doubleohseven - 17 Sep, 2023 - 07:33PM

True. This is neither Mumsnet nor Sociology Journal. And yet, I want to express my wholehearted support for any theory (medical, biological or sociological) that absolves me of any responsibility for my less praiseworthy decisions, blaming them on some inescapable external factor.
Asymmetrically. Meaning, anything I did that earned me professional success, social standing and physical fitness, I would like to remain able to say: "That comes from my own decisions and my own actions! "
Whereas for my, shall we say, more questionable actions, I support any theory that would allow me to say: "ADHD/my genes/societal injustice made me do it!". Perhaps with a background of violin music and a voiceover mentioning a difficult childhood, or coming from an underprivileged background trapping me into inescapable multigenerational deviancy. Something like that.
I like being the hero in my own movie, but would love any theory that would let me play the victim card when it suits. Why? Don't know. It must be in my genes

 3 members like this comment.

TheBoredHousewife - 14 Sep, 2023 - 09:08PM

A useful diagnosis would be one of couch potato as justification to be a log in bed 🪵😎

Toffee.macchiato4 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 08:58PM

Hmmm tricky

But judge not lest ye be judged or he/ she without sin cast the first or indeed any stone. By virtue of what this site is and the fact that am on here, I don’t feel in any position to comment
But I do wish this couple well and hope they can eventually work themselves out in a way that makes them both happy .

 3 members like this comment.

1612345 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 08:42PM

Flirt forum, hunh? As some have already pointed out - this is a Mumsnet question. Absurd that it should be posed here.

 3 members like this comment.

Dotty Green - 14 Sep, 2023 - 08:05PM

Becks and Paula, one reason I did not comment earlier is because I know nothing of the ins and outs of ADHD. I think it’s not great taking advice from armchair/internet doctors.

Also and I don’t know could this thread be a trigger for some ?

Lastly should we all use a diagnosis or illness as an excuse for being a cheat or having an affair 🤷🏻‍♀️

 4 members like this comment.

Beckysharp - 14 Sep, 2023 - 07:49PM

I think Paula makes a good point. That this is meant to be for discussing random topics related to affairs/sex. Not speculating on people’s marriages or medical conditions!

I’m just hoping the post is fake and that no one will actually be feeding back any advice given 😳😂

 3 members like this comment.

logicboy - 14 Sep, 2023 - 07:42PM

Simply LOL

laugar164 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 07:31PM

Paula I'm in the posh seats with waitresses service.
Oo gin girl I thought you be mo a champagne lady

Forbidden-Fruit - 14 Sep, 2023 - 06:33PM

I agree with some of the comments on here with regards to the role of the moderator. This is not an appropriate question for this website, I have set my questions in the past and I can’t seem to my question for FF included?? 🤔 what am I doing wrong???

 1 member likes this comment.

Paula99 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 06:20PM


I’ll have toffee flavour and a gin n tonic while your at the bar 😂

 1 member likes this comment.

Paula99 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 06:16PM

Logic boy …

You can get a bulldozer through the Moderators …that means nothing …they are here to ensure you pay your premium.. they don’t give a toss what is posted here ?😂

 3 members like this comment.

laugar164 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 05:39PM

I'll sit back ang get the popcorn 🍿

logicboy - 14 Sep, 2023 - 01:40PM

Paula99 if you are a site Moderator then delete the thread if this isn't a discussion that should be had here. If you are not a site moderator it isn't up to you to judge whether or not a thread should or shouldn't be discussed in here. In fact, all the evidence suggests that it is deemed by the decision makers to be suitable - given that it got through any initial moderation and remains on here.

To the OP, thank you. I value the question and some of the points raised. As someone still exploring my own justifications for looking outside my marriage, and exploring what it is I want / don't want etc. So all perspectives welcome as far as I'm concerned.

 2 members like this comment.

Paula99 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 01:26PM

Firstly ADHD is a complex brain disorder and this is not a topic that should be discussed in here …this isn’t ‘mumsnet ‘ …like Beckysharp says ..

There are lots of people that behave like arseholes and that are not ‘labelled’..like Boav91 states..

Yes we are all on the ‘spectrum’ somewhere but if you believed everything you read on the net…if you cut yourself shaving you are about to die …
I cannot comment on this subject because I am not qualified to address it but to couple it with cheating is like saying mice only eat cheese …

 9 members like this comment.

shaved_dave - 14 Sep, 2023 - 10:42AM

Lol... What's the next excuse going to be?
I got flu so I decided to sleep with that gal... If someone cheats it's simply because they desire it more... I mean many people in this site cheats but just don't give lame excuses.. Be honest and admit to what you did and if possible see if things could work out.

I find life is easy if you are honest about things.

 1 member likes this comment.

Nearly_New_Romantic - 14 Sep, 2023 - 10:09AM

Firstly ADHD, is never an excuse for anything, we all have autonomy and need to own the choices we make.
However ADHD brains crave novelty, excitement, even drama and danger. An affair delivers all of these wrapped in a perfect package of lust and sensuality. So it’s no surprise that we are over represented among affair Havers.
Unscientific I know, but having spoken to quite a few people on here, it wouldn’t surprise me if half of us are ADHD, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed.

 1 member likes this comment.

HotChoco - 14 Sep, 2023 - 09:51AM

Does anybody knows how much for ADHD test / consultation fee ?

**Asking for a friend..... 🙈

Beckysharp - 14 Sep, 2023 - 09:22AM

I agree Sandypops there’s been a couple of posts like this recently. Wrong website love try mumsnet 😂

 2 members like this comment.

boav91 - 14 Sep, 2023 - 07:20AM

Adhd can make you more impulsive and can make you act and think later. It also. Make make someone less likely to be discreet and to be less careful. It does not make anyone do anything. There would be other reasons too, but then we are all on this site looking for an illicit encounter so I do not judge.

Acting like an asshole may be, in par,t just being that, being an asshole but who also has adhd . Adhd if that is there will always have been there you don’t suddenly develop it and the person in never explained by one thing imo. There are many people with adhd who are not assholes

Beyond that some sage advice below

 3 members like this comment.

mipaulac - 14 Sep, 2023 - 02:30AM

I know quite a lot about this being an ADHD and Aspergers sufferer.
They are all life conditions so how does a diagnosis suddenly change behaviour? It doesn't beyond, shock or revelation since it's always been there.
Having said that impulsive behaviour is one of the characteristics of an ADHD persona as loyality, trust and being able to see through illogical liers and scamsters one of those of Asperger's.
It's strange you ask this question on a deceivers forum and all I can say none of us is perfect and succumb to temptation.

 3 members like this comment.

Sandypops - 14 Sep, 2023 - 01:38AM

Is it only me who finds it hilarious to have a discussion about excuses for cheating, on a cheating site 😂 and the cheater behaving like an a***hole?

My friend has ADHA and she was faithful for 20yrs before she joined here. But due to her ADHD brain she gets bored with just one man very quickly 😂

 4 members like this comment.

Iggypop - 13 Sep, 2023 - 07:17PM

The best advice os to deal with the behaviour. Any condition is not an excuse for unacceptable actions. I agree with the other comment about not getting directly involved, that frequently ends in tears.

Lbgood11 - 13 Sep, 2023 - 06:25PM

In honesty I would stay out of their relationship. Be an ear to listen to, a shoulder to cry on.

But ultimately the how, whys, where next is between them and them alone. You want to be a good friend but they need to figure it out between themselves.

Just be the best friend you can be without being involved in specifics?

Sorry not much help .... or maybe some help ...

 5 members like this comment.

logicboy - 13 Sep, 2023 - 12:50PM

P. S. I'd suggest that no matter the situation, it's generally preferable to consider these thi vs as reasons perhaps (and maybe one of many) but never as excuses. Personal responsibility for our choices is a must, generally.

 1 member likes this comment.

logicboy - 13 Sep, 2023 - 12:47PM

In my experience both for children but I think especially adults, any diagnosis or sudden realisation or acceptance of a neuro diversity can have quite a profound effect.

How that plays out behaviourally is going to complicated. I'd be asking him if he'd considered playing away before, if so why had he never felt able to talk to his wife about it, would he be interested in a open relationship now...

For your best friend - depends totally on what she wants and needs from a marriage.

Tough situation no doubt and I don't think it is helped by the whole tradition and institution around religion, marriage with associated social norms to which we are expected to conform.

Us in this site are actually leading the way in demolishing the establishment, we are heroes...

Excuse the facetiousness - tough situation, hard not to feel for them both. Are there kids involved?

 2 members like this comment.

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