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Letters


Letters to Sara

Seeking a man's point of view as I am lost!

Met a guy who by his own admission spent a long time trying to atract my
attention as he felt we were such similar souls and no one else had grabbed
his attention. He was separated from his wife but had a two year
relationship that was in his words 'the best two years of my life'.

She died  sadly from cancer; I too had lost my husband. We sent many sweet texts, met for sunday lunches; we had so many things in common, it was great.

This went on for a month or so, then he found a letter left by his lost partner and a
photo in a silver frame of them together she had left him to find after
she died.

He was distraught... felt guilty to her memory he said and cut
all ties. I was like a teenager in love! Devastated and I can't leave this
situation behind.. would appreciate a man's point of view please...we could
be and were for a short while very happy together and I'm sure we could be
again...

11 members like this.

Comments (58)

Sugar white - 07 Feb, 2017 - 11:03PM

Firstly how can anyone know they have met their soulmate through words alone and a well written profile.
I believe after spending 1 month together he realised it was not what he desired.
He has tried to let you down gently but this in itself is unkind.
Because you will wait but he has moved on and probably doesn't give this brief liason much thought.
It was flattery and you fell for it.

Discretely Discreet - 19 Jan, 2017 - 08:52AM

A really difficult situation for you that can probably only be solved by one thing "time." He'll need time to grieve and to get over his guilt. What this unfortunately means for you is that you'd be putting your life on hold waiting for him, and he may never "come back." You have to carry on with your life, and if it's to be it'll happen. Good luck to you. Oh one last thing. Don't even think about putting anything on Facebook or anything else as crass as that.

stevegates2012 - 18 Jan, 2017 - 04:50PM

short answer He is NOT ready to move on yet - it tale A lot MORE time for a guy to give up on past that most think. You need to seek out your own path with some new and in time you find the right ONE.

CharlotteG - 16 Jan, 2017 - 02:53PM

I have heard this story somewhere else, well something similar but I'm really sorry this has caused you so much pain.

wunniteluv - 06 Jan, 2017 - 07:10PM

Oh Sara, I truly do feel the pain you are suffering.Love can be the most hurtful emotion a person can experience. I don't know whether this will work. But it is worth a try. I would post a "general message" on facebook. If the man who won your heart so totally, is on face book, he will surely be touched by such a gesture. The general content should be to the effect that, you love and miss him so very much that you are willing to make whatever changes in your life he may feel are necessary, in order to regain his love and affection. No man, who is worth loving, can fail to be overcome by such a plea. My dear, I am not a professional in these matters. However, I have ,as I said, very recently,been abandoned by a filipina girl that I simply adore. She was forced, by circumstances beyond our control, to change job, home and lifestyle, literally at a few minutes notice. We kept in touch for some months but she now seems to have cut all ties. Please let me know how you get on dear. Best wishes and good luck.Paul

1 member likes this comment.

Daddydom - 06 Jan, 2017 - 03:38PM

Grief is a mountain that, to put it bluntly, simply has to be climbed. He needs to grieve for his lost partner. It sounds as if finding the letter triggered memories. It takes 12-18 months to grieve to the point of being ready for a new relationship. The grief can be for death or the ending of a relationship. Then and only then will he be ready for a new relationship. Be patient. Let him know you love him and that you will wait, but know in your own heart you must not wait forever. 12 to 18 months at most.

Exrafphotog - 05 Jan, 2017 - 07:24PM

You wanted a man's perspective, so here's mine. My wife, who was (cliché alert) my soulmate/twin-flame - acknowledges as such by each of us. I was devastated when she died, even though with her illness we both knew it was coming. I surround myself with photos of us together, but I do get on with my life. I loved her. I still do and always will, but I don't expect any future lady friend/companion/lover to be her. She will be herself, and have her own positive attributes, but I would never ever let her down unless the relationship became untenable, and even then I would talk to her - gently - and suggest that it wasn't working. (She might wish to do the same to me.) She, whoever, has a right to be treated with respect - and so do you. So I do not respect the way this gentleman(?) treated you. Hugs to you, dear soul.

7 members like this comment.

nuubi4 - 29 Dec, 2016 - 09:49AM

It is a sad story to read .but as a guy always reading between the lines so to speak ,if he felt so much for you this would not have had such an abrupt end.
I feel he may well have been seeing someone else at the same time.This may well have lead to him having to make a decision ,and he broke all contact by way of this letter.It has shaken you ,but imagine if you had found out something like this much later ? .

4 members like this comment.

mitterrandetpingeot - 27 Dec, 2016 - 10:15AM

@sw888 (deleted): Your suggestion is too simple. Works only when you don't care and don't know about another and are not forgiving. We liked each other too much as you know (-). Thanks for the advice though, very caring. You always hurt the one ... , as the song goes. Asking for continuation won't work. I will simple continue the affair virtually by writing down imaginary meets, imagining new ways to please her that will never happen, new conversations, new disagreements, that always will be fantasies. Half of the fun consisted of anticipating and fantasising anyway. Being creative and becoming bored with the creations is the only way to forget sensibly, being alone.

Tarot - 27 Dec, 2016 - 09:14AM

You were always going to be compared to his lost partner, my suspicion is he may have desired you but also to regain his lost love, a reminder of the reality of that lost love made him sit up and take notice, probably of the truth of not being able to go back. Desire, initial attraction and sex can often create poor cognition and skewed judgement. In another time or place you may have been soul mates, and he may yet have regrets. We often want so much more that which is just out of reach. It may be worth, looking deeper at what attracted you, maybe he was always only partially there and that made him more attractive to you, is that a pattern in your life and if so when did it start?

1 member likes this comment.

Adele1991 - 26 Dec, 2016 - 10:59AM

I can relate to all that you have said here as I have just come out of a 3.5 affair with who I thought was a great guy and previously a 7 month one with the same guy as he was going through divorce. 3.5yr he was divorced and single. The guy gave me the keys to his home we had holidays and I even joined Air Cadets as he is the Sqn leader. Total double life I led.
Guy turns out to be not as nice as I thought and as he came across as. My feeling for him were intense but I could not bring myself to leave family for him. Good job I didn't with what I know now. However had the best 5 yrs of my life although left totally devastated and not sure if I can or should carry on with my Cadet work as it means being in contact with him still and he doesn't want me to leave that. I am leaving myself wide open for future Help !!!

Adele1991 - 26 Dec, 2016 - 10:46AM

I found a great guy or so I thought. Get ready for this soap!!!
Met a guy who was going through a divorce when we met, it was his wife that caused it and I did see all the evidence on that as he showed me. The guy was devastated after his 16yr 2nd marriage. I saw him through this but then his ex wife was threatening him if he didn't stop seeing me she would contact my family. After 7 months and a guy crying on my shoulder it had to end as he said he didn't want to hurt me.
Then a month later he found a lady friend who had split with her boyfriend so that was great I thought for him. As I was married I just could not offer him a commitment even though we got on very very well. That ended 7 months later as she went back to her boyfriend.
Our relationship rekindled 18 after our first split only this time he was totally divorced and single.
Our relationship carried on for 3.5 years we had holidays abroad, walking holidays and trips and he gave me the key to his home. Now has ended.Absolutely gutted .

1 member likes this comment.

mitterrandetpingeot - 24 Dec, 2016 - 03:39PM

Then try again but be prepared. We all make mistakes. I certainly do and most of us are willing to forgive. I do not like to give up too easily. Do you? But there is a time to quit, see the advice below, but not too quickly. What is good comes and must be kept with some effort. Good luck and keep your balance.

sugarlolly - 24 Dec, 2016 - 06:54AM

Sorry to hear this happened to you...
But please don't dwell on his actions,
For you have erred not,
Having merely followed you heart,
Love is sweetly satisfying for the soul,
Until the two decide to part.
So cast your net wide and patiently wait,
To find some new love on planet IE.

Merry Crimbo.

Amen.

2 members like this comment.

roughfell - 22 Dec, 2016 - 08:39PM

Bereavement and grieving is a very complicated process and it involves feelings of denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, and acceptance so you may find that this is just one of the stages he is going through but it is impossible to say how long it will take to get through it.

Thomasilfaw - 22 Dec, 2016 - 08:12PM

I am going to be harsh....if he wanted to be with you he would be with you regardless of his guilt..after all he had an affair and just because smene dies (sad that is) life goes on....move on....as I said if he wanted to be with you he would be

8 members like this comment.

Passionata22 - 22 Dec, 2016 - 12:05PM

This has two separate issues.
Firstly the man has been confused and needy. Needing female solace after the death of his wife. Confused as to his feelings of desire versus guilt. Result is always a speedy withdrawal as he can't cope with his feelings right now or any pressure.
Second...the op has been looking for a relationship to fill a void as opposed to a sexual fling. That is why she is understandably devastated.
Even though they both may have enjoyed their brief liaison it was underpinned by very different reasons and needs and history.
I will say it again...i.e. is not the place for anything other than an new sexual fling..or you risk being hurt or hurting others.

8 members like this comment.

576681-Deleted - 21 Dec, 2016 - 03:01PM

Writing as a man, I know that if I felt very strongly for someone, and was in this situation, nothing would keep me from seeing her. If I were to leave my loved one a letter to read after my death, it would say something along the lines of 'get on with your life, find someone else and be happy!' and I am sure his partner would have expressed the same sort of sentiment. I am afraid the truth is that the whole 'guilt' thing was merely an excuse, and there is more behind it. Perhaps he had met someone else. You will never know, but keep strong and strive to meet someone more worthy of your affections.

15 members like this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 21 Dec, 2016 - 02:26PM

Superwoman888 - 21 Dec, 2016 - 12:47PM

I totally agree with what you say ... difficult as it is to accept that someone just doesn't care enough to be with me, that is the truth, no matter what the reason is, and the sooner it is accepted, the better. I tell myself it was his loss, not mine.

4 members like this comment.

mitterrandetpingeot - 21 Dec, 2016 - 02:05PM

Actress: yes, that is a nice promise. I second that. don't do ...
sw888: looking back at 2015 when it happened (there was one 2016 meet where in hindsight she had already left me behind), I can't blame myself for anything except for one thing; I was a bit firm on internet safety given that the said person was a novice, endangering both of us. Apparently, neither my tips on e-safety, albeit used eagerly by her, nor my attentions/poems, were worth much. That should tell me enough. I hope it does.

The Actress - 21 Dec, 2016 - 01:48PM

SW888

Not so, Darling! Yours were wise words, Far from upsetting me---You gave me closure!

I can now stop thinking about him, and accept that I did nothing wrong; he just didn't care enough. Not even enough to let me know he'd stopped caring!

I promise I'll never do that to anyone!

5 members like this comment.

mitterrandetpingeot - 21 Dec, 2016 - 01:28PM

sw888: yes, what you say we all know but it sounds harsh and has the danger that one starts to loose oneself in an all too quick: oh, he/she did not like me enough, ah well, let's move on quickly so it does not hurt, which is exactly the ease of going by former partners-in-crime that caused havoc in the first place. The question is to find a balance between letting go and becoming an uncommitted selfish satisfaction seeking bastard (f/m). That's not worth anything. Why am I even trying I wonder? 9 months ago now and 18 poems and a half act later.

1 member likes this comment.

JamesJames - 21 Dec, 2016 - 01:14PM

A man writes.....

If it was the OP who had the two years relationship with him, followed by a month of meetings after his separated partner had died, then I would say that the OP has a chance to recover the relationship if she is patient and wants to.

However, if the two year relationship was with another woman (or indeed with his wife), and the OPs relationship with this man is just a month of texts and Sunday lunches, then her level of devastation and unwillingness to let go says that she is risking her sanity being on this site and also is exactly the sort of behaviour that will make most men run for the hills...

5 members like this comment.

1111430-Deleted - 21 Dec, 2016 - 12:47PM

Oh Actress, I have upset you too! But that was never my intention. I, like most people, have also experienced heartbreak. And I think it's quite common to agonise about all the unanswered questions; I certainly did and that was one of the most painful parts of that awful time. Eventually, I accepted I would never have answers. And really, the only answer there could ever be was that he did not love me enough. I could tell myself all sorts of lies to justify his actions, but that only prolongued the pain. Once I accepted that really, if he loved me he'd be with me, then the internal voice asking "why", driving me crazy replaying special moments and words in my head, gradually stopped. The pain was still there, but there was acceptance too and eventually I moved on.

This was many, many years ago. Whenever a friend goes through shit like this, I try to point this out - kindly, I hope! It's hard to hear, but ask yourself this: wouldn't you see things like this if your story was happening to somebody else?

2 members like this comment.

The Actress - 21 Dec, 2016 - 11:38AM

SW888

Thanks from me too, for your observation! I got dumped in the same way, last year, but after 8 months of meetings; daily texts, and phone calls whenever he was driving!

The silence was excruciating, (he's a builder; anything could have happened to him!) but after 3 miserable weeks, (and a reminder that I still had all his texts and emails) all he could come up with was "something has come up for me, which means that I can't be with you any more" (or something to that effect).

It's been 16 months now and I still occasionally ask myself "WHY". It's like an itch, that cannot be scratched!

So thank you for giving me a different way to look at it----- "Ultimately, the reason behind his actions doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has chosen not to be in a relationship with you."

I feel better now!

4 members like this comment.

1074356-Deleted - 20 Dec, 2016 - 02:00PM

Whether the man was genuine or not ,it shoulders back ,move on and if he is kosher he must do the same

1111430-Deleted - 20 Dec, 2016 - 12:42PM

I am sorry, I didn't meant to hurt the OP. I am completely sympathetic to her situation and was hoping to be helpful with my comment.

OP, apologies if I have offended you.

1 member likes this comment.

mitterrandetpingeot - 19 Dec, 2016 - 07:52PM

sw888: "Ultimately, the reason behind his actions doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has chosen not to be in a relationship with you. That's is the reality, unfortunately. I always think that when somebody likes you enough, they will be with you - no matter what." Dong. You might as well put a dagger through her heart right away. Yet I agree, unfortunately.

Summerbelle - 19 Dec, 2016 - 06:54PM

ExoticOrchid - 19 Dec, 2016 - 10:25AM

I tend to agree with you and it was the woman he'd had the two year affair with who died not his wife.

Either way it appears both of them suffered loss of a loved one and she hoped that she'd found happiness again after the death of her husband so it's not hard to understand why she would feel so devastated going through yet another loss whatever the reason he gave her.

1 member likes this comment.

1111430-Deleted - 19 Dec, 2016 - 02:52PM

Chin up. Dating, especially this kind of dating, is dangerous business. You have all my sympathy for your heartbreak - it is the most horrible feeling. However, I would stop asking myself "why?", "is this just an excuse?" and so on. Ultimately, the reason behind his actions doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has chosen not to be in a relationship with you. That's is the reality, unfortunately. I always think that when somebody likes you enough, they will be with you - no matter what. You may find it easier to face that truth rather than wonder constantly why he seemed so keen, or he said certain things, or the connection felt so real. It doesn't really matter - he was probably genuine at the time but then stopped feeling that way. Try and accept that so you can move on. Easier said than done, I know!

10 members like this comment.

1106723-Deleted - 19 Dec, 2016 - 10:56AM

something about this just doesn't seem quite right, but who is to say.....
we are all affected by different triggers, emotions, cannot live with them cannot live without them
I lost my boxer dog two years ago, still cannot bring myself to get another and so loved the new John Lewis advert, reminded me what I am missing and probably time to move on and get a new one.
My view is that he is not coming back, sadly you will always be a reminder, and if you do get back together again, then he will do it again and that would be worse still
you are in the same situation to some extent, distraught and overcome, but there will be another to sweep you off your feet and put the memories behind you

9 members like this comment.

Friend2Hug - 19 Dec, 2016 - 10:37AM

If it is all an act or a front by him, then he's clearly a damn fine actor if the OP can say "He was distraught".

Much more likely, the photo and the letter brought back countless memories and probably a host of regrets, too - especially if he wasn't there to support her as she declined. Moving on from someone you spent much of your life with isn't a simple digital thing - it doesn't just stop completely and you move on immediately. It takes time, and is full of complicated and conflicting emotions which change from day to day, and I can understand the guilt and regrets he must have felt fining this.

For those cynical souls on here who have a need to find a "villain" an apportion blame in every story, focus on the ex-wife's psychological hold over him, which gives her an ability to guilt-trip this man even from the grave. He seems weak, yes, but obviously facing a loss that has clearly has an effect on him. Perhaps he's never really faced up to that loss before now...?

1 member likes this comment.

ExoticOrchid - 19 Dec, 2016 - 10:25AM

Summerbelle - 18 Dec, 2016 - 09:17PM
Dominant Male - 17 Dec, 2016 - 01:30AM

My understanding from the letter is that the man was separated from his wife and then had an affair with another lady who unfortunately died.

It could be true, it could be false but all we can do when we meet people online is to accept what they say about their lives as well as taking it with a good handful of salt and trust our instincts.

1 member likes this comment.

ninasimone - 19 Dec, 2016 - 05:48AM

sorry to be cynical but really I agree with post @ 06.49. Just doesn't ring true, sounds like a big lie. He got bored and dumped you. Forget him and move on. Maybe don't project your own grief onto others.
Even the nicest guys are liars and cheats (so am I), they're used to spinning stories... at least he tried to avoid hurting you - sort of...

2 members like this comment.

Summerbelle - 18 Dec, 2016 - 09:17PM

I'm a little confused. Who was it that died? His wife from whom he was separated or the woman he had a two year relationship with (I'm assuming after he was separated) that he says were "the best two years of my life" Which one was it whose letter and framed photo he found after she'd died?

Either way, he's obviously grieving and feeling intense guilt for betraying the memory of his lost love - whichever one it was and is probably best left alone to come to terms with that in his own time.

SUPERSONIC - 18 Dec, 2016 - 07:26PM

Just like a man dear - blows hot and cold

5 members like this comment.

LucyLasticReturns - 18 Dec, 2016 - 06:41PM

I'm tending to agree with Teicu sorry to say.....but if the man was genuine & has cut ties then you have no choice but to leave the situation behind.....

One of the biggest pitfalls of getting to know someone on line before meeting in person is that an image is created in the mind (and heart) of this compatible creature who is going to be all we seek....I'm sure many women and a few men, can burst the bubble with stories in a similar vein having been left hurt & wondering what went wrong. I'm a great believer in if it's meant to be, it will be....if not, dust yourself off and find a worthy partner (but guard your heart for longer than a month)

tea_coffee_me_ - 18 Dec, 2016 - 02:37PM

As he has cut all ties all you can do is move on.

What he says may be the truth, it may not be.
I had that excuse/reason given too, someone determined to meet me etc
Various things that seemed to show he was genuine...
The first one to ever arrive with flowers and chocolates!! so seemed keen!

Then I had the, I'm not ready and yes did sever all contact, blocked on the phone and via the dating site... yet continued on the dating site.

It had been a a surprise as the text! arrived a few hours before we were due to meet for the next date, and had been getting on well... but

For both of us
- if hes not genuinely ready
- or lying
... they are not right for us, smile, enjoy the memories, and move on :-)

2 members like this comment.

fieldoflight - 18 Dec, 2016 - 12:14PM

If you met through here it was to fulfil a physical need over an emotional one. The picture made him realise he hadn't finished grieving yet. Best you can do is be friends until he's ready. Sometimes people who may be perfect for each other fail simply because of the timing in life when they meet is wrong.

5 members like this comment.

illicit_encounters - 17 Dec, 2016 - 09:30PM

I am not going to delve into what he was thinking or doing, instead what you can do:
1. Pen pals, without meet, stay objective. Don't get into roller coaster ride.
2. If you are after relationship or something serious, look for way forward not carrying someone's weight.

I have gone through break-up, and it was my responsibility to get myself out of it not someone else's. Yes, it may not hold true for everyone, but that's how I roll.

4 members like this comment.

Teicu - 17 Dec, 2016 - 05:40PM

Seriously is this letter for real?

I'm not a man but how much do you want to bet he's back on here with a different user name!

8 members like this comment.

the maddest sexy hatter - 17 Dec, 2016 - 04:37PM

very sad ...but this is about him and not you . Respect his grief & wait for it to become less intense and less painful
He may want to be friends and only just at the moment and cannot cope with the intensity of your teenage self in love
.....I am not a man btw ..but understand pain xxx
I cannot believe he used this situation as an excuse ..more a reason xxx

1 member likes this comment.

1066183-Deleted - 17 Dec, 2016 - 01:42PM

Again not a man but how sad that people feel he lied, death, loss and mourning and the feeling that you are moving on without someone create so many emotions in a person and being consumed by guilt that you are smiling without then can take you over... therefore maybe cutting all ties whilst harsh for you is what he needed to do.

It you feel devastated after a short time, have some compassion for how he feels after losing his partner that he clearly adored... yes his actions were harsh but he told you he needed to do it and explained why.. Of course you didnt want it to end but he needed it to and that has to be respected as he is in a more difficult emotional place that you..

Heartbreaking for him i would suggest over and above your own ... so time to close that door take your own journey of loss and let him be free...

With Love

1 member likes this comment.

Organic Basket of Plums - 17 Dec, 2016 - 12:53PM


Whilst not wishing to plant my size 12's in totally the wrong place.
I would imagine that the gentleman involved is 60 plus and bought up when marriage might have had an entirely different meaning.

He might well like you
in the way that he likes his sister or his next door neighbour
(another story awaits)
But he doesn't love you or desire you to be part of his life

The friendship might have worked for you
but not him

move on
be realistic and understand that everybody has different levels of commitment and social needs.

2 members like this comment.

ianmistral63 - 17 Dec, 2016 - 11:08AM

Hmm, as with these situations there is always a risk of offending, anyhow a chaps point of view for what it is worth. Guys pay a lot of money to be able to access ladies profiles through here, more than other dating sites. So why when he had no partner did he use here, there are plenty of other NSA type sites. Everybody is different and he may well have been distraught, but although I know it is a hazard of us being here, leaving a trail of other broke needs hearts won't make his feel better.
If someone is not right for you, for whatever reason, whether is is you need evening meets, they can only do daytime, you want to be intimate in a very complete way and they don't, whatever it is tell them, let them find someone who can find someone that suits them and you can find someone that suits you. All of the above is from experience, and am hoping that I have just met the right lady.....but I will need to wait and see.

1 member likes this comment.

Buckfoxc - 17 Dec, 2016 - 08:18AM

I am very, very sorry for your situation but really feel you need to give your potential IE partner some space. He clearly hasn't stopped grieving for his loss. I think it's hugely presumptuous of previous commenters to say this is an excuse. Anyone who's lost someone - as you have yourself - will know that there's no way of knowing what will trigger that grief again. You'll just have to let him deal with his feelings and if he gets back in touch then take it from there. And if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. We all know that relationships found through IE may well be fleeting and non-permanent for a variety of reasons however painful that might be for all of us.

2 members like this comment.

Ittakes2 - 17 Dec, 2016 - 06:49AM

I really do hate to hear when a obviously lovely Lady like yourself gets hurt as you have.....
Having said that something doesn't quite make sense to me....

You say he had left his first wife, then had a relationship for 2 years which in his own words " were the best 2 years of his live " then before he has even finished removing all of her possessions, he is already having Sunday lunches and sending you lovely text messages.

Surely if I had just lost the love of my life the last thing I would be doing is looking for the next......and might I just add, if I was, it wouldn't be on a site for married people to find affairs.

Now I'm sorry if that come's across as being hard, I have lost 2 close members of my family to cancer so I do know how it feels.

As I said at the start it just dosen't feel right.

If it was meant to be, it will be.
My advice to you is move on, even if he did come back, would he feel guilty at every song he heard that they listened too together ??????





4 members like this comment.

Dominant Male - 17 Dec, 2016 - 01:30AM

As I read your post, you and he started a relationship after he had separated his wife but while she was still alive. She subsequently died from cancer and a month later he found a message from her from beyond the grave.

If I have this right then there is a very powerful mixture of emotions here - loss, grief, regret and especially guilt. It is a hard thing to deal with when you find that the person you left, that you set aside ultimately for another woman but for whom you had feelings at some time then died sadly and prematurely, and then you find a note presumably of love, perhaps forgiveness, maybe regret or recrimination.

Grief takes many forms and takes time to work through. Guilt at missed opportunities or regrets for things not said or done are common and deeply powerful. All sorts of feelings are released; the individual acts irrationally - and this can go on for sometime.

In such a state, continuing another relationship will be very difficult and the emotional overload destroys desire.

2 members like this comment.

1099254-Deleted - 16 Dec, 2016 - 11:55PM

I am not a man, but I understand him. He still grieving the loss of his wife. My dad when found his partner he was very confused about what to do . My mom was dead two years prior that. I think he got feelings. And is nice to have feelings. Maybe he is scared of being falling in love. Maybe he needs time to process all the information about the whole situation. So I can just say, if he still have to be with you, he will. But don't be sad about it. Feelings are very complicated sometimes. :-)

Kubixia - 16 Dec, 2016 - 10:20PM

I'm sorry OP for your heartache, but I feel given time, and space for your IE, things will again reignite. Have faith and patience. Hugs to you,

1 member likes this comment.

unhappy123 - 16 Dec, 2016 - 10:16PM

That is SO mean!..... WHY do people do that!
I have suffered the same and its a killer... its the lies and deceit as you so rightly say - given the truth we would still be upset, but would at least know we were not being fobbed off.

Que sera sera - but I'm really struggling to swallow that analogy myself currently.... I'm lucky in that i have good friends to pull me round but it still feels hellish!
I feel for you
Hugs x

2 members like this comment.

unhappy123 - 16 Dec, 2016 - 10:13PM

I'm not a guy but would like to comment - having suffered something very similar... you may not like what i have to say BUT i think men are weak and use anything as an excuse rather than tell the truth.... You know he has no real need to feel guilty.... i was told the very same thing but in the end and with dogged determination i got him to be honest... he simply didn't want me anymore :-(
I'm sure you are worth so much more.....

3 members like this comment.

richard123 - 16 Dec, 2016 - 09:29PM

suggest a sat nav for xmas then! XX

buddy197 - 16 Dec, 2016 - 06:44PM

From a guys point of view I can never understand why females think they have a monopoly on heartbreak. The guy has obviously a total guilt hang up, was a bit like that myself after my loss. It is difficult to explain to someone that THEY are not dead and life goes on. My advice to you is, bieleve it or not if there was anything between you he will come round and will contact you.When he does it will be in his time and that's when you make sure you take the bull bye the horns and make it absolutely clear you are not a replacement but a way forward. I have sympathy and empathy with your situation and wish you the all the best. xx

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ExoticOrchid - 16 Dec, 2016 - 05:54PM

"felt guilty to her memory he said and cut
all ties."

I know you are asking for a man's opinion and obviously I am not a man but his actions seem rather drastic to me! His partner is no longer alive and surely she would want him to be happy again ... I can understand him being "distraught" and "guilty" if he had been carrying on with you behind her back and then she died but he met you after her death.

Look forward to reading the men's points of views.

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raymond961 - 16 Dec, 2016 - 03:58PM

Is he now going to spend the rest of his life with the memory of his partner and never finding somebody else? Because he will always feel guilty?

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only_your_secret - 16 Dec, 2016 - 03:18PM

... i can understand your feelings, but dont feel lost!

You didnt say how long he had mourned the loss of his partner, it sounds as if it wasnt long enough! And you have to accept that she is a difficult, if not impossible act to follow(because of the situation)... so dont feel that it reflects upon you in any way..

It may be that he needs more time, that he has retreated to his man cave..and if you try to go in after him..he will retreat further and barricade himself in !

All you can do is understand and offer to be there for him should he need you.. which im sure youve done.. give him space and time..and hope he realises that you could have a future.. but you cant force that ..

Its sooo much easier to say than do.. but the only way to entice him out is to tell him how you feel, that you'll wait..and leave him to come back to you! as much as you want to...dont chase him ..

good luck x

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mitterrandetpingeot - 16 Dec, 2016 - 02:31PM

Feel sorry for you. I am lost too. Met what seemed to be a part-time soul mate and such, for a secret affair, no more. It finished today exactly a year ago when we met for the last genuine, honest time. We met one more time but in hindsight she had already left me then and she cut all ties after I found her roaming around on IE. Allegedly because I was more than physical satisfaction for her, which was in the end all she seemed to want, despite multiple interim and initial assurances otherwise. Of course I felt humiliated. Of course, I felt -like you- that it was a match and opportunity lost. The loss on the one hand contrasts the pain caused by the lies and deceit on on the other hand. I cannot offer you anything else than talk and an ear, if that. I have not found anyone to talk to and laugh about it. Bed-hopping is no option.

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