IN_JAIL_OUT_S00N

About Me:

If I were a book.

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Front cover: For the ones who’ll lose interest in 10 seconds

Three things to put on the table immediately:

1. I’m 171cm. Someone once asked, "same height lying down?". I said yes. Still not sure what she meant. Possibly a threat.

2. I’m bald. This happened suddenly in 2021, like the Taliban retaking Kabul. Some call it “follicular surrender.” I prefer "follically challenged".

3. I am average-looking. A man-shaped placeholder. An unremarkable roadside pedestrian.

These three facts are enough for 95.6% of you to lose interest. If that’s you, thanks for rea—

For everyone else, let’s continue.

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Back cover: Don’t take my word for it — what others say about me

• Ranked #32 in Tatler’s “Most Eligible Husbands” (March 2025 edition) (up from my 2022 rank at #45, just ahead of Matt Hancock)

• “What a lovely boy.” – My mum. She doesn't say that anymore.

• “Such a cute bum.” – My wife. She doesn't say that anymore.

• “You are just...[gestures chef’s kiss].” – My first fling (not via IE, and technically wasn't a legal adult at the time... me, not her)

• “Marry me?” – Someone from IE. Then she ghosted me. Classic IE behaviour.

• “You’re so posh.” – My first proper affair. I'm really not. The seafood options just looked better.

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Chapter 1: For the ones who stayed

The first thing you'll notice about me is my accent. It’s vaguely familiar but not from anywhere you'd correctly guess.

I’m confident, overanalytical, and occasionally prone to making lightning quick jokes about inappropriate things. Sometimes people laugh.

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Chapter 2: Why am I on IE?

1. Because the women of Britain deserve better.
2. Because talking therapies weren't quite cutting it.

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Chapter 3: Why should you choose me? (unabridged)

I know what you're thinking. You want a sexy, steamy affair with a hunk. Like that hot French dude in Unfaithful that cucked Richard Gere. You don't want a short, bald dude who ranks his own looks at a humble 5. On a good day. At a push. No, no no, no no no. The horror. What would your mother think? "I'm sooooooo glad she swiped right". Sure.

So why should you choose me?

1) Because even though I have it on good authority that Henry Cavill is on IE, he has a terribly long waiting list. Think of me as the warm-up act. A rehearsal. The free sample before you finally get to meet Henry and that legendary jawline.

2) I offer much less than other men. No unsolicited photos of pork-swords; no emotional unavailability masquerading as mystery; no pretending I’m an alpha male who’s into crypto and carnivore diets and cries at Jordan Peterson podcasts. I’ll disappoint you honestly, which is more than most.

3) I know exactly what you want. Who’s emotionally intelligent but not in a weaponised way. Who’s good in bed, but also... leaves. Who can rail you senseless and also recommend a solid book on grief. A man who smells like bergamot and a privileged childhood. Who looks one-third Mediterranean, twelve-sixths Viking and 90% silver fox. Who has more stamina than your partner at home (who whilst admittedly is good at giving a lot of orgasms, ends up directing this pleasure to himself mostly). I am not that man. But I do know what you want.

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Chapter 4: Why should you choose me? (Bridged version)

• You'll never need to ask, "where can I sit?" when I'm around.
• I will eat pineapple for you. Religiously.
• I won't kill you. Statistically, this is an underrated quality.
• I stopped wetting the bed at 12. Give or take.
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Ideal Partner:

Things that would be nice to have but absolutely not necessary:

- Shorter hairstyles. But admittedly longer hair is easier to pull on...

- Freckles (the more the better)

- An accent (French/ltalian/Afrikaans/lrish/Spanish/Portuguese/Polish/Baltic/Scandinavian/Scottish/North American/Russian/German/other?)

Other Interests:

Music - World

Gifts Received Recently :