Anonymous User - 05 Sep, 2012 - 08:27AM

Kids growing up and away changed us too but he doesn't want an open relationship, preferring some space 'to do his own thing'. I do believe he doesn't want other people, preferring work and hobbies instead. Me, I'm more of a relationship person and so I needed to do this. The relationship has been rocky but is better again now, although not like it was. I have no idea what the future holds but I do not worry about it. Some people would ask if it is impossible to have it all in one person, and to do that and maintain it for life sounds an almost impossible ask. I admire those who have chosen an open relationship, but I am also aware of those not working too! It is natural that any relationships over about 10years go through a phase of 'gridlock' but from that can stem growth or divorce. We should learn to expect it and to be able to talk issues through. The grass isn't always greener as any new relationship wouldn't be new for very long, except possibly on here... but do people want serial relationships and at what point does that stop?! Exciting initially but does that wear off too?!

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TPHD - 04 Sep, 2012 - 04:24PM

We have been married for many years and, as so many of you,like us, have discovered, monogamy can become boring then frustrating and may lead to the destruction of what should be a lifelong friendship. Our solution, is to agree to have an open relationship. Coming to that decision was not easy and like anything in life that's worth having there is always compromise.. but the alternative of a separation with all the resulting pain seemed so over dramatic, unnecessary and wasteful. All relationships change with time, we accept that and don't try to hang on to ideas and emotions that no longer fit who we are. Life is always a work in progress - the important thing is to keep moving, entertain new ideas and try new ways of living. Those that challenge you the most are almost always the most rewarding.

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EbonyDesires - 03 Sep, 2012 - 10:00PM

Maybe manogamy is a manmade state of 'affair' (hehe) and was never what we were designed for.

Do not feel guilty in making a grab for some happiness xxx

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Anonymous User - 03 Sep, 2012 - 03:56PM

Loneliness is a terrible thing,especially when you feel life is passing you by.I realised the other day when my Grandaughter cuddled me that it was the first cuddle I'd had in a very long time and just how good it felt to be held and loved .... sad but true. we all need love and if by being on here we even stand a chance of happiness then so be it.

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Anonymous User - 01 Sep, 2012 - 09:11PM

I know what being alone is like....
being with someone, but being alone is i think worse than being totally on your own...
you feel your life is over, but because your not totally alone to do as you please, you feel trapped, like caught in a trap....
sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone whe takes the trouble to send you a friendly message....
just a friend, or maybe more in time...

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eve's mask - 01 Sep, 2012 - 10:49AM

I recently read a quote that someone can feel more alone being with the wrong person than if they are actually alone-or words to that effect!
Having been divorced & a single parent for two years I agree whole heartedly with that sentiment. I'm not saying I don't get lonely; I do; I miss going to bed with my lover's strong arms around me. i miss waking & sleepily checking out how horny your partner is feeling this morning ;) but I don't miss the silences, the tensions, the worries & the tears. I think people in an unhappy relationship should stop pretending & get out here with us singletons to start living.

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Anonymous User - 31 Aug, 2012 - 08:18PM

I loved this letter...so powerful and for once, someone actually saying it as it is.
We are not kids...life gets in the way....but we still have feelings...still want what we want....if we dont hurt anyone whats the harm....ONLY LIFE ...AND YOU ONLY HAVE ONE....enjoy

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Joe Ford - 31 Aug, 2012 - 06:34PM

Well it looks as though most of us have experienced the same issues and are experiencing new avenues. When I first signed up to this site, I felt really excited. I felt like a kid with that sense of freedom that I enjoyed 30 years ago, but then a little bit of guilt set in. Why am I here? I have a wife at home someone I have shared my life with for a good many years. But looking at our lives together, I get up and go to work while she is busy doing god knows what. We peck each other on the cheek. I am away all day and come home at night. She has already eaten and so I eat alone. No sooner than I finish, she goes to bed and that is our weekly relationship. Someone suggested that maybe she is having an affair. Should I be concerned or should I care if she is? I really don't know the answer to that question. But then, I feel like I am having my own affair on this website. I have chatted with a few very nice people on here, but having actually had a face to face meeting with anyone although it becomes more and more tempting as the days pass. Am I wrong? Are we all wrong?

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shayla13 - 30 Aug, 2012 - 06:51PM

What a sad letter. Why do we feel loneliness ? Because we're on our own or because there's no love there ??
If all the unhappy couples had the strength to leave then there would be more potential partners for us singletons.

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Apple Cheeks - 30 Aug, 2012 - 05:45PM

Totally in the same boat here, too, Rob. My babies grew and left to have families and go to Uni, and I was left on the perch in my empty nest, clucking at my husband of very many years and finding that we ruffle each others feathers!! I feel a little bit redundant - I have my career, sure, but - as most of us on here probably do - am left thinking 'Is this it?'.
And, like you, I don't know yet if this is right for me. I've not had the courage to meet anyone, but I've certainly chatted to some very lovely people, and have felt a little bit young and flirtatious again.....surely not a bad thing??!!

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Anonymous User - 30 Aug, 2012 - 02:16PM

Totally know where you're coming from. My daughter has recently left the country to study abroad. I work from home and it's left me plagued with loneliness and emptiness. Like you happy with what I have and couldn't bear any sort of change in marriage but need something more.

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ladydrknes - 29 Aug, 2012 - 09:25PM

I say go for it, your a long time dead, we all need happiness in our lives. Life to short to be unhappy. I for one have found untold pleasure on IE, so best of luck to you.

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Gentlemanwithhumour - 25 Aug, 2012 - 06:55PM

Reading this thread is quite cathartic. We all have our stories to tell and yet there is no ready outlet without therapy or Relate councillors. No longer being physically attracted to the person you promised to stay with forever if awful. It seemed so right at the time. I still really like my wife, we're great mates - I often tell her she is my best friend as I confide in her on all things - except this. I have confronted the elephant in the room and explained that I no longer want intimacy with her, which was heartbreaking but I was getting very withdrawn and depressed. It was a major relief to be honest. We're bumbling along at the moment though I suspect it will eventually result in a split though I want it to be amicable, as she is still my best friend.

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old blue eyes - 24 Aug, 2012 - 12:45PM

Everything already said is so true for someone, things change throughout marriage, we all grow older differently and with different focus on the important things, then once there is more time on our hands after struggling to pay the mortgage and educate the children, it is difficult to remember all the things we wanted to do. The 'not talking about issues' is really hard, but the internet gives that opportunity to flirt again, and then see how it goes, but certainly I feel more 'alive' having started. Seems that is a very common thread.

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Anonymous User - 24 Aug, 2012 - 12:31PM

I've been on this site for quite a while now and, in the process, have been lucky enough to have had several fulfilling relationships. I'm not in a permanent relationship - when it was evident after 19 years that we'd fallen out of love (& respect) for each other, we faced our issues and decided to go our separate ways. So I find it somewhat ironic that an 'illicit' site offers the means to assuage the loneliness which has become a feature of the primary relationship, when it appears that the 'dishonesty' seems to lie within that relationship. Admittedly, I've only heard 1 side of the story but ....accounts of wives who've decided to withdraw from any intimacy with their long term partner and refuse to engage in any open and honest communication about it are, sadly, all too common.

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Anonymous User - 24 Aug, 2012 - 12:10PM

Hi Rob ,
you are definately not selfish for being here .
We are all here for pretty much the same reason we just took different paths to get here .

We all have needs and you will progress from the texting and flirting and find your lady .

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relight my fire - 24 Aug, 2012 - 12:50AM

dont worry rob, i feel me and you are in the same boat sailing.......am i sure ....am in not .one thing when we are ready we will no A IF WE ARE,AND B IF WE ARE NOT.....

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Anonymous User - 23 Aug, 2012 - 06:38PM

Hello Rob

'Same old, same old'? However, let me tell you my experience since my children were born , within 2 years of each other. For reasons known only to him, my husband decided to be absent from his family for several nights of the week - staying out until 3.00, 4.00, 5.00 or even later in the early mornings. One time he came home at 7.00 am, changed his shirt and went out again - presumably to go to work in the City of London. Eventually I started to lock him out - but what an upset for kids with school in the morning.

I know what youre thinking here - why did she put up with it? Well I didnt - I pleaded, argued, discussed so far as possible his attitude and behaviour. My 'choice' would be to have left and go into emergency accommodation or stick it out, hopefully that that course of action would be better for my children.

Twenty years on - my children are happy and settled at University. But the story is not yet over. If I leave now - will my husband go completely off the rails. Over the past fortnight, although he can not longer cope with the mid-am behaviour, he has been regularly intoxicated to the point where there is no point speaking with him.

So, Rob. If your marriage is dead, you will have to face that. I'm guessing your wife has been unhappy for a long time but has also taken a decision to look after her child. At best, if your relationship if over, at least try to part with care for each other. X

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Havannah - 22 Aug, 2012 - 08:15PM

Very touching letter life is very short so enjoy it in the best way you can. If chatting and flirting on IE makes you feel alive again and takes away the loneliness you are feeling at the moment then that go with it, always live for the moment as no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

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OrdinaryAngel - 22 Aug, 2012 - 05:49PM

Rob, that's a heartfelt letter. I wish you well in your future.

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Anonymous User - 22 Aug, 2012 - 12:02AM

Rob: Yes, the empty nest syndrome is very painful, but it does force a hard look at one's marriage. Just staying together for appearances' sake won't fool your daughter, and might actively make her unhappy too. Maybe you and your wife should decide whether you even like each other enough to try and stay as a couple. If so, take up some new activity that you can do together and have a laugh about! If not, be grateful that IE exists - and use it to the max.

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Cougar196 - 21 Aug, 2012 - 10:50PM

A guy ruefully said to me 'When they wrote the marriage vows - till death do us part - life expectancy wasn't so long.

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fiddler21 - 21 Aug, 2012 - 05:13PM

One of the merits of IE is that those grey dull empty relationships are enlightened by the rainbows of chatting and meeting others. Indeed those bright spots may mean that the storm clouds which can gather out of the greyness are kept in the distance. that is my experience.

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Megaman60 - 21 Aug, 2012 - 02:56PM

I can empathise with your situation. It is always difficult when the children grow up and leave the nest. When, as in this case, the departure is not necessarily permanent as yet with the child probably returning during the holidays, there is a feeling that it is necessary to stay together in order to provide a stable base for them.

Unfortunately, this is very often aggravated by the fact that attention has been lavished so freely on the child(ren) to the exclusion of the the relationship between the husband and wife. Going through the motions for the sake of appearances can last only so long and eventually the point is reached where one or other, or both, decide that life is ebbing away and it is time to remould one's life. The time will inevitably come, when the break is made and life moves on.

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Eclecticmaiden - 21 Aug, 2012 - 01:41PM

Awww thats so honest and open.

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Anonymous User - 21 Aug, 2012 - 01:10PM

You are not alone. This is far, far more common than many married couples admit. If you think about it in its most basic animalistic terms its unnatural for a "Mating pair" to stay together after their offspring has grown up and gone. Its only because of society's rules and social etiquettes, moral pressure from religious vested interests and the state that prefers people to live in self supporting and regulating nuclear family groups, together with legal and economic factors which bind you to your spouse that so many couples feel obliged to stay together. Maybe things will change in time. One thing is for sure, seeing your kids grow up and leave certainly home brings home ones mortality and the ephemeral nature of life. Maybe now is your time again. Make the most of it, and dont go into old age with any regrets.

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